Issue #13/94, July 6 - 20, 2000   

Su-Shite

By Lionel Tannenbaum

It is now 4 a.m., and it remains uncertain whether I (or my fellow eater) will survive the night. My stomach is a place of great tumult, and my head feels like it has not for a long time—since I conquered alcoholism all those many years ago, in fact. What with the nauseating explosion of sushi bars around Moscow, it was really only a matter of time before something like this happened. What’s surprising is that took so long to come across a place serving truly “killer” sushi: the brand new KIFUJIM, just across from the Ukraina hotel on Kutuzovsky. Those who live in the neighborhood and, as such, may be subject to greater temptation to visit, should consider themselves warned.

Before getting into the specific reasons why my insides currently feel the way they do, I feel should express a pair of reservations. First, the miso soup ($6) was actually quite good, a solid version far superior to, say, Yakitoria’s offering. Second, judging from the high prices, sub-Burger Kveen quality, and general atmosphere of the place, it’s clearly intended as a high-volume money-laundering operation by some fairly serious dudes. Dudes who would probably think nothing of disappearing a restaurant critic (and a Jew into the bargain) who happened to say some not-so-nice things about their little establishment. Probably it is the thought/hope that I will die soon anyway of slightly more natural causes that gives me the audacity to write unhindered about the culinary things I have seen (and, unfortunately, eaten) earlier today.

It all started with a seemingly ordinary piece of salmon. We’ll just ignore the lack of integrity texture-wise and get to the taste, which engendered an association that was quite literally horrifying. Biting into it, I was instantly reminded of the drive on I-95 from the airport to center city in Philadelphia—specifically, the smell. For those not from the area, suffice it to say that there’s a massive sewage treatment plant under the bridge as you cross the Schuylkill River. The resulting scent that hangs in the air above is one of the densest, most palpable I have ever experienced. And that is what my piece of salmon tasted like.

None of the other items on the overpriced assortment we tried - roughly six individual pieces and a tuna roll for $45 - was anywhere near as bad as the salmon. The aforesaid roll was more or less adequate; the other bits were either mediocre or just barely appalling. This is also the first time I’ve ever seen sushi made with black caviar. If you want the one item that sucks most solidly without actually seeming health-endangering, try the California roll ($12). Like a few other places in town, Kifujim does it wrapped-conical style in one piece rather than as a sliced up cylinder, and their seaweed is tough enough to make it almost impossible to bite through without the whole mess falling apart in your hands. But where this item really shines is the fillings: tasteless wilted lettuce like they serve on bad days at McDonald’s with a big dollop of yellow mayonnaise on top. Fucking brilliant! And just to make it all worth your while, their wasabi isn’t terribly spicy.

Things were no better with the few hot items we ordered. For example, the sliced marinated duck with ginger ($20) was somehow devoid of flavor and quite ugly to boot—the meat being just barely pinkish along the fat rind and fading to a very somber gray along the edge. Then there was the noodles ($20): a heaping plate of ordinary ramen (cold) with a side of hot broth (not nearly enough to warm the plate of noodles to an edible temperature) and “vegetables” (green onions, those little deep-fried chip thingies, and some apparently mayo-infused horseradish, which wasn’t spicy in the least).

After all that, do I really need to bother mentioning that the sake ($4 per serving) was not very pleasant. Kirin beer, meanwhile, is a none-too-surprising $6.50 for a 0.33l bottle. Needless to say we skipped dessert (green tea ice cream, etc.) and got the fuck out of there. And god willing, we will live to eat another day.

$$$
Kifujim
Kutuzovsky prospekt, 5/3
M: Kievskaya
Tel. 243-1704/4089
Hours: 11.00 - 24.00

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