Issue #13/94, July 6 - 20, 2000 
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PODMOS-KOVSKIYE HOOCHIES
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This could have happened in South Central LA, but instead it happened in South Central Moscow... Take one pregnant married woman who’s been married four times. She’s the type who likes to go to swank New Russian parties and get to know some of the hot shots who frequent them. She’s also the type who busies herself by pimpin her prostitute friend to these guys, taking loans from them, and never paying them back. But the jig was up when her fourth husband started getting more than a little suspicious after she and a contract killer threatened his life if he didn’t come through with a couple of visas to Switzerland. According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, the story goes a little something like this:
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The woman, Kryuchkova, met one of her husband’s friends at one of these cocktail parties. His name was Chaligin, a former director of the Pskovsky region administraion. She approached him with the proposition of a night with her prostitute friend, and he refused. She asked him for money all the same, and he again denied her.
Well, this hoochie wasn’t tryin to hear all that. She asked her working-girl friend to find a mercenary from the Lyuberetskaya Mafia. For the right some of money, he would do anything. They bargained him down from twelve to ten thousand to take care of Chaligin.
November 2, 1999, the gangster followed Chaligin to his apartment building, and took the same elevator with him. There he shot him three times with a standard-issue police gun and made his quick escape.
Not long after the revenge was taken, Kryuchkova decided that she was already tired of her fourth husband. She called up the contract killer and made another arrangement. Only this time she wanted to see, and make sure, that everything went according to plan. Despite the fact that she was nine months pregnant, she arranged to be in the very same room with the killer and her husband. However, things did not go according to plan. Somehow, miraculously, Kryuchokov escaped from the situation because at that very time, the police had decided to visit their apartment building and check documents randomly.
Even though Kryuchkova knew that her husband was now well aware that she wanted him dead, she wasn’t too worried. But she did decide that it was time for her and her friend to get the hell out of Moscow. She requested her husband to go into Moscow and somehow arrange two visas for her friend to go to Switzerland, so that she could get away from her husband. But he was just a little quicker than his wife; instead of going to the Swiss embassy, he went straight to Petrovsky 38 and informed the police what had happened. So instead of chillin to tha next episode in Switzerland, this hoochie is doin time behind bars...
I TELL a BITCH LIKE THIS...
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Vnye Zakona tells this short story with a tad of prejudice against all those chyorniyezhopis... but after all, it was all their fault.
It all happened in a small summer cafÈ on the streets of St. Petersburg. A group of Caucasians were having a small tuskovka there, drinking and eating, probably enjoying the good weather. That is, they were enjoying everything until one of their group got a little saucy and decided to proposition a couple of the girls who were sitting at a nearby table.
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“Goddamnit, tell us where you keep your Countdown card, or we’ll rape
her and blow your brains against this wall!” |
A pregnant girl and her friend had been quietly socializing at the same cafÈ, when suddenly, one of the Caucasians approached her and said something to the effect of “Hey baby, wanna suck my dick?” She did not accept his offer, and said something to the effect of “No thanks, I’ve already flossed today.” The rejection was just too much for this guy - he couldn’t take it. He and his friends grabbed both of the women by their shirts, took them out into the street, and commenced to beat the shit out of them. As usually occurs in Russia, none of the people standing by in the cafÈ or on the street made any attempt to stop what was happening.
When the group was satisfied with their ass-kicking session, they simply walked away, leaving their victims for dead. But one of the girls somehow was able to call the police shortly after they left, and they went to the hospital.
For those lacking their dailly dose of racism, we include the last sentence of Vnye Zakona’s story of the “Offended Caucasian”: “Despite all of this, some people are actually still surprised that merely looking at a Caucasian often causes most Russians to feel physically ill.”
LOSING THE FAMILY JEWELS
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One Monday night, a feeble attempt was made to rob the jewelry store “Edelviess,” near the Medvedkovo metro station. Our thief, we’ll call him “L,” was a 24-year-old security guard working for the company “Ikstor-M.” He entered the store during working hours, carrying his gun from work and wearing a mask.
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“I’ve got to admit, ever since we racketed this minivan from the car
dealership in exchange for not harassing them, our dog Sharik’s mood
has improved ten-fold!” |
According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, it all happened just like in the movies: “L” ordered two salesgirls to lay flat on the ground and then quickly grabbed the pistol from one of the security guards. However, there was another security guard at the other end of the store who, seeing the situation, got his own gun ready and began moving towards “L”. The thief noticed him and immediately opened fire, wounding this second guard in the stomach. But it didn’t end there. Both shot at each other from opposing ends of the gallery until suddenly, they both ran out of ammunition at the same time. But it was the jewelry store’s guard who was able to reload more quickly - he shot “L” twice; once in the leg and once in the nuts.
“L,” now covered in blood and in immense pain, somehow managed to run out of the store, and around the corner to the dvor where his accessory was waiting for him. They got about a kilometer away from the scene in an hour and a half, where finally the police found him and arrested him, then took him to the hospital where the wounded security guard was also receiving treatment for the three bullets he had taken. Both of them are still in critical condition.
It’s safe to say that “L” won’t make any more attempts at jewelry heists in the future. Not only was he rather unfortunate in his latest endeavor, but he was also caught red-handed during the winter of ‘98 when he killed another guard while trying to hold up the Tverskoy-Yamskoy jewelry store “Princess Gryoza.”
