the eXile - [sic]

Issue #13/94, July 6 - 20, 2000

GAY BASHER

Dear Mark and Matt. Here is my question as follows: did you ever think of or try fucking each other? And in the latter case did Mark play passive role?

Thanks.

Dmitry.

Dear Dmitry,

Making fun of the gay lifestyle is not only NOT funny, it is cruel, insensitive, and potentially hurtful. The timing of your homophobic diatribe, coming as it does in this, Gay Pride Month, could not have been more ill-timed. While our brothers (and sisters) in the international gay community bravely demonstrate their hard-won freedoms and demands for even greater acceptance this week in Rome, ignorant throwbacks like yourself continue to spread the seeds of hate. We will not support your intolerance, Dmitry. Shame on you.

ED ASS-TIN

Ames

After fucking off Vijay in both your articles and your book you go out and hire the “love god” himself...

Talk about double standards... Next thing you’ll be hiring Mr Bass to write cookery articles...

Ed Austin

PS. Met your secretary at the Duck last Xmas, she was a lousy screw....

Dear Mr. Austin,

Seein’ as our “secretary” is a guy, that would make you a faggot. With bad taste.

SNAPPER SAMPLES

Hi Mark,

I was wondering if you could send me your complete address, so that I could send some writing samples.

Cheers,

Michele

Dear Michele,

Whyncha hold off on the writing samples for now, and just send us a few jpeg samples of your snapper. Then we’ll decide if we want your articles or not.

ANOTHER FAG

Hey there

I just got back to the US from studying with the Moscow Institute for Advanced Studies at the International University of Moscow. All of us expats used to read the eXile there, and now i’m reading your book...To cut to the chase, I just read Chapter 3 about some of your exposes, and I

was wondering if you might be able to help me on something...I am a senior at yale and writing my thesis...right now i am in dc at a small independent think tank. i worked here last year. they got me interested in arms control. now i am writing about missile defense for my thesis. Now, I

KNOW there’s some shit going on with this issue—all the reports say it sucks, but everyone still wants to push it through. SOMEONE is behind this, and i KNOW some of this relates to the weapons manufacturers wanting their money....but even the Pentagon will admit that it sucks. Even the CIA is going to admit it. So, I have gotten sick of reading all the official reports, the critiques etc. Nobody is looking at WHO is really behind all this. It’s the big glaring blank spot. Now, you guys seem to be people who would know how to go about finding this. Any ideas? Any gossip over there about this topic? Anything of all would be helpful. And if not, I’ll have to keep looking myself.

Thanks (perhaps)

we’ll see if i get one of the ‘fuck the kids’ responses before i decide

chb

Dear chb,

What in god’s name are you blathering about, sir? First of all, thanks so much for letting us know that you studied at that 20-word “Advanced” university, and that you’re a Yalie. Because now we know we’re dealing with, oh not just any drooling [sic] letter-writer, but rather, a intellectual heavyweight, a first-rate moron. So from our point of view, if an Ivy Leaguer likes our book, we know we’ve done something right.

PROLERIDIOT

Dear Editors,

I read with some amusement the latest (and therefore quite old) Exile posted on the internet - especially the column by your failed writer Limonov who dreams of revolution and conquering holy Ukrainian land - repeating the feats of Russia’s fellow Asians in 1241. But once again the old German kulturolog’s words come to mind:

“The manual worker is merely a means to the private ends of professional revolutionaries. He is to fight for the satisfaction of their hatred of the conservative forces and their thirst for power...among the originators of their theoretical programs and leaders of revolutionary campaigns there is not one who worked for years in a factory...it is from the intellectual “mob”, with the failures from all academic professions, the spiritually unfit and morally inhibited, at its head, that the gangsters of Liberal and [Nationalist - B.] Bolshevist risings are recruited. Their “dictatorship of the proleriatat” - which is to say, their own dictatorship with the help of the proleriatat - is to be their revenge on those who are happy and successful, as a last means of appeasing the morbid vanity and vulgar greed for power which alike arise from unsettled self-respect, the final expression of depraved and misdirected instincts.”

My prediction: In 10 years Pelevin and his band of teenage thugs run around with Kalashnikovs in some Tchurkistan fighting for Russia’s glory.

Babai

Dear Baibai,

Our prediction: in 10 years, you’ll learn to spell “proletariat” correctly.

I REALLY LIKE YOU GUYS A LOT

I found this e-mail address very quickly while at some expat internet cafe, and wrote it down so I could send a message. I am a language student here in Moscow, arrived a month ago from Canada, and before I left I bought a book at a san francisco bookstore while visiting my .com brother. I didnt start reading it till a little while ago, and even though I saw the moscow times thought it was a self promoting piece of crap, I thought it was really good, actually I think its really good cause I’m not done yet. I can’t find The Exile any where, maybe someone could e-mail me and tell me where to go? Plus I have no aquaintances here, and lots of free time, so if you take interns... I would do whatever, I dont have any great credentials, no major education. But I did work as a chinese buisness man’s errand boy for a year, I am good at that, even have a letter of reference. And I don’t want to go home for a while, i’m registerd at Pushkin institute so I allready have a visa. Any way I will make this short so you read it. I’m not just with alterior motive, I really like your book, I related to things that you said, maybe that sound stupid, but I was homesick it really made me feel better, like when I read the article in it about the ectasy club, and after coming from the stupid Vancouver rave scene, and seeing what you said, I just thought it was perfect, it encouraged me, I hope I don’t sound sarcastic, truely I mean it, I will stop now.

Grant Crowther.

Dear Mr. Crowther,

No, you don’t sound stupid at all. Don’t stop, please. Keep the letter going for another thousand words. You’re the only person left willing to throw us a shameless compliment. One T-shirt coming up! For an example of how a T-shirt can be taken away from a once-groveling fan, see the exchange below and learn:

MORON MAIL

Dear eXile,

You promise an eXile t-shirt to those brave and stupid enough to send letters to your abusive [sic] section. You’ve published two of my letters, but I only want and need one. Your book was extremely entertaining, although including a chapter of Ames’ attacks on Western feminism is not daring nor an example of cutting through p.c. bullshit. It’s nothing that reactionaries like Camille Paglia and Rush Limbaugh haven’t said already (if you doubt me, just check out Paglia’s Salon shit of any week). You guys have done some very admirable writing, but when it comes to covering sex you guys falter, even if you are self-deprecating. Ames talks about being a feminist-brainwashed meek American when he first dealt with Russian women, but there is nothing mutually exclusive about feminism and having hot, sweaty, satisfying sex of any chosen orientation. Considering how much you guys discuss your dissatisfying sex lives, I wonder if your completely socially acceptable male chauvinism might be ripping you off. One more thing: is [sic] a take-off of Moron Mail from Mad magazine?

Good luck with your book

Dave Carroll

You’ll need a mailing address for that t-shirt:

P.O. Box 1608
Wrightwood, CA 92397-1608

>From: “Editor” <exile.editor@matrix.ru> >To: “David Charles Carroll” <davecarroll1@hotmail.com> >Subject: Re: >Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 11:03:22 +0400 > >What are you, a fucking fashion consultant? Who cares if other people >attack >feminism? Besides, ours is not an attack on feminism, and it’s not male >chauvinism; it’s misogyny, plain and simple, and as such it stands outside >of magazine-writing trends. For trendoid fashion fags like yourself trying >to cop the latest underground attitude, this may be a difficult concept to >grasp. T-shirt has just been recalled for showing too much attention to >what >is “in” and what is “out”. Fuck off and die. >”each day’s a gift”

Editor

Writing off dissenting opinions as merely fashionable cant is pretty weak. And not be picky, but I didn’t think I was suggesting you guys weren’t misogynist—it’s clear. But I honestly believe there is a difference between truly disagreeing with something, and observing ‘safe’, politically correct dialogue. Your stance on this issue reminds me of suburban jock kids who grow up shooting birds with their pellet guns and don’t give a damn about anything but their fucking SUV and listening the latest punk album. The smarter ones who escape that later dismiss any “liberal” or “radical” opinion as marching orders from some underground scene, never giving them the benefit of the doubt they fully expect for themselves. You know, I’m spending this time writing this letter because you guys write well, and like I said before, many of the things you do are admirable. I don’t need to remind you, though, that nihilism and jaded cool have consistently been trendier and more easily packaged for the willing consumer than my ‘[caring] if other people attack feminism’. And why do I care? Because no matter what you say or think, misogyny never left the status quo, not ever. Every fucking feminist movement has been co-opted and turned into successful marketing strategies and the psychological self-help bull-shit you think I’m a victim of, while women remain has damaged as ever, which is used as evidence of the failure of feminism. Again, I’ll reiterate: your book was good. Definitely one of the most entertaining books I’ve read in a long time. I just think your sexual politics are lame. No, I’m not a fashion consultant. But I still deserve a t-shirt.

Dave Carroll

p.s. I like to know who tells me ‘fuck off and die’, so print your name, “Editor”, next time.

Dear Dave,

Fuck off and die.

THE ADVENTURES OF MR. CHITTUM

Hi:

Could you tell me if Filipp Bobkov is Jewish? Any other info about this individual would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance for your help

Tom Chittum

Dear Mr. Chittum,

You can bet that the International Zionist Conspiracy is quaking in its boots with ace sleuths like yourself surfing the net round-the-clock trying to sniff out those sneaky Jews with suspicious-sounding last names. Go get ‘em, Tommy! The world’s future depends on you continuing your thankless, yet vital work!

PUNISHMENT

Having identified the problem, one Olga Kiriyeva, I suggest an appropriate punishment - public humiliation. Strip her naked and web cam her ass around the globe!

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

Better yet, why don’t we just murder her, to make an example to the others, then web cam that?