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low-yield murder |
"control shot" |
podyezd |
really stupid criminal |
children |
cries for help ignored |
murder-suicide |
"investigation continuing" |
carved up like a turkey |
related to victim's job |
cannibalism |
riddled with bullets |
old people |
Hunger-related murder |
THE PENSIONER MENACE
Every time some shite Hollywood comedy has an wacky old person, you just know that they're going to fire off a shotgun and scare away the bad guys. And
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"Tennis, anyone?" |
you invariably think to yourself, "Man, what I wouldn't give to see that old fuck flashing his git in front of some real-life homeys. One less Medicare check that I'll have to subsidize." Welp, think again, folks. Because here in Russia, we live in an enchanted land where fantasy--or idiocy--can become reality.
Last Wednesday, July 6th, in the podmoskvoi region of Klyushniky Noginsky, an incredible incident occurred that would make Walter Matthau's agent leap with joy if he were to read it in a script. Here's what happened. A 73-year-old pensioner was watching his son's truck when, at 6pm, two young men pulled up in an Oka--you know, those bookmarker-width death traps--and started tapping the truck's gas tank. The old geezer grabbed a weapon, rushed the thieves, and managed to get the gas can back and fuck up their Oka before they fled into safety. As is always the case with Death Porn tales, there's an ugly little
sequel. The two loser bandity returned to the scene of the crime four hours later, this time accompanied by another four flathead juniors in a Moskvich-412. Now, this is the part where, you imagine, the old man's hips are cracked like rice cakes and his false teeth are used to tear his balls off, right? Uh, no, not exactly. As recounted to MK by the local prosecutor, the old man, catching sight of the bandits, pulled out a hunting rifle, busted a major cap in one guy's ass and killing him on the spot, and popped another one in the chest. The remaining four young whippersnappers am-scrayed once again, leaving one dead and one wounded, and four macho egos crippled for life. The pensioner is being investigated for murder.
NATURAL BORN LOSERS
A trial began this week in a multiple-homicide case that eXile readers young and old ought to be able to appreciate. The case, which is being tried in Moscow City court, revolves around a gang of five young morons who went on a
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"Oh, shit! I forgot to write the suicide note!" |
drunken rampage across Russia two years ago, during the 1997 May holidays. The rampage began in Nizhekamsk, hometown of the gang leader, a certain Mr. Safin. The fun started when one of this Safin's friends refused to lend him some money. Here's what Saffy and his four friends did to that guy: they whacked him on the head to incapacitate him, then slowly, while he was still awake, pushed a knife through his heart. Then a female member of the gang cut off the victim's cock and balls and stuffed them in his mouth. Fresh from this fun escapade, the gang took off for Moscow. In the capital, the group killed two taxi drivers, and one "chastnik" who'd just stopped to give them a ride. They also, after one of their stolen vehicles broke down, killed a motorist who'd stopped to help fix their car. Then they drove on to Tver, where the ex-husband of one of the female gang members made the mistake of refusing to let the group spend the night. He was stabbed to death. They were going to kill his pregnant wife, too, but one of the killers raped her instead. The gang's looking at long sentences; they're being tried for their Moscow crimes right now. Call the MosGorSud for tickets. We'll see you there.
BREAD AND SUTRES
And now, just for a change of pace, a nice pointless crime, committed this past Sunday on Ryazansky Prospekt. Actually, this is an interesting case, because unlike most pointless crimes, this one was well-planned. The location for the crime was the usual commercial-related killing site: the accountant's office at Bread factory no. 6 on the Ryzansky region. An unknown assailant
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"My life has been so much fuller and more satisfying since I left the Moscow Times to join my fiance in Norway!" |
somehow sneaked past the gates around the factory territory and into the accountant's office on the fifth floor of the administration building. There, the factory's 63 year-old female accountant was sitting, looking over some records. There was also a 40 year-old technician in on the weekend trying to fix a broken computer. The assailant walked in, shot both office occupants, and apparently immediately turned heel and fled. There was no evidence that anything had been taken; the books were all in order, and a large amount of cash was in a cash box that was left unmolested and in plain view. The technician was killed instantly, but the elderly victim managed to stagger out of the building and onto the street, where she collapsed in the usual bloody puddle. Ambulances arrived and the good old lady managed to make it; she's currently in critical condition, but unable yet to testify about the incident. Despite the apparent absence of evidence of theft, police are inclined to think this murder was connected in some crazy way to the commercial activities of the victim. The investigation is continuing.
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