Issue #14/69, July 15 - 29, 1999  

Vice President Al Gore's campaign for the presidency has recently been described using words like "foundering," "abortive," "doomed," and "hapless." But are things really that bad? The eXile decided to find out. We assigned a crack team of investigators to find out exactly where the pride of Carthage, Tennessee is on society's radar--and if he could be easily distinguished, for instance, from a lump of suet, or the great Battle of Hastings in 1066.

Gore	Battle of Hastings	Suet
Wooden personality; low poll ratings	The one historical date taught in school that everyone remembers	Fat-based bird food that is smeared on trees and pinecones for maximal effectiveness
Calls Larry King "a good man"; helped Sinn Fein's Gerry Adams get U.S. visa	Ushered in era of British Catholicism and absolute rule of kings	Attracts kinglets and cardinals
No evidence of sex with Tipper since birth of Albert Jr. sixteen years ago	English women still ugly despite 300 years of Norman rule	Takes a while to harden
Has been waiting for this damned election for eight years	Invasion took 15 years to plan	Wrapped in wax paper, keeps in freezer indefinitely
Bill Clinton: "I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong."	William the Conqueror named heir to British throne by Edward the Confessor	Cut from slaughtered beef
Carthage	Carnage	Cartilage
Promised to eschew negative campaigning; calls Bill Bradley a "friend"	William promised God he'd build an abbey at Hastings if he won; kept promise	Won't melt if kept at room temperature
Says he'll "reinvent government"; calls taxpayers "customers"	New Orleans Saints WR Andre Hastings doesn't understand "Battle Of" nickname	Birds like it if you mix it with crunchy peanut butter