Issue #14/69, July 15 - 29, 1999  

JUST CALL ME KRUSTY

Hi, Mark, Matt, Krazy Kevin and Dima:
We enjoyed the way you ripped up the courageous, heroic Clinton-Gore War in your June 17-July 1 issue. We do the same thing on our antiwar website, http://www.impeachclintongore2000.com. Unfortunately, we do it with much less humor. Our site is soooooooo serious! Nonetheless, take a look at it if you can. Maybe there's a story there for you. Whether you like our site, love our site, hate our site or trash our site, it's all okay. Just as long as you include our URL or a link!

Thanks and all the best,
C. Edward "Just call me Ed" O'Connor

Dear Ed,
If your web site is half as zany as your letter, then you can bet we're going to be there--with bells on! And a vomit bag stapled to our mouths.

A POLISH JOKE

Sir,
While nationalist zealotry can be amusing perhaps Limonov ought to realise that an Empire based on justice, prosperity and peace most of the time (cf western europe) has a dynamic far superior to anything he can throw at it. That is the reason that Ukraine will never of it's own free will rejoin Russia - Russia only offers corruption & war while western nations offer the possibility (although not probability) of peace & justice.

Regards
An ex-expat from Poland.
Andrew Sims

Dear Sims,
Your letter is what we call a "chin-scratcher." It's the kind of letter that really gets us thinking.

YELLOW BASTARD

Editors,
First let me say that I totally respect the Russian people and its rich cultural history. Someday I hope to visit for an extended period to experience the culture firsthand. Nevertheless, it has been difficult to understand the continuing support of the Yugoslavian Serbs during this terribly costly war. If after the fact analysis of the horrible atrocities committed upon the Albanian populous were not sufficient, the concerted effort to cleanse an entire territory of the bulk of its native population is mindboggling. As someone who has been in a senseless war 30 years ago, I do not lightly support aggressive actions by states, whether they have enormous power and wealth or are minor military powers. But what I believe the human race can no longer tolerate without action is the planned aggression against a people merely because of their ethnic heritage, racial makeup or religious association. Where it is feasible militarily and politically, I hope that the world powers will continue to "interfere". Your statemen: "What will finally happened, I know. The West will be overthrown by humiliated barbarians. Outside and within. Once upon a time it was a great Roman Empire. It was mighty, huge and rich. But barbarians always win in the end. So, the Mexicans, Serbs, Iraqis, Russians, others humiliated by you, we will destroy your cities and fuck your women. I have a dream... My dreams are always fulfilled." is very telling.

Sincerely,
Arthur Kaufman

Dear Mr. Kaufman,
Your letter is what we call an "ass-scratcher." What makes our asses scratch is that the message you seem to be getting across is that because you--yes, you, Arthur Kaufman--singlehandedly lost the war for America in 'Nam, because you didn't have the guts to get into the shit and bag enough commie bastards to help Uncle Sam triumph, that now, in perfect hindsight, thousands of miles away from the battlefield, you're feeling all militant. Instead of nursing your war guilt like every other boomer via the blood of the Serbs, why don't you make yourself useful like other 'Nam vets, and get yourself a junk habit or go shoot up a post office. Just stay the fuck away from our website, you yellow chickenshit loser.

WYLES E. [sic]YOTE

Dear Editors,
The dark, pointed humor in everything I've read is unexcelled. Nothing has made me laugh harder.

Margaret Wyles

Dear Ms. Wyles,
This may sound weird, but we here in Moscow are interested in seeing what your vagina looks like while you laugh hard reading a copy of the eXile. There's a bet going around the office: some think that the laughter produced by reading the eXile causes your vagina to flap madly like a Portuguese Manowar in a wind tunnel, while others insist that it looks remarkably like Phil Collins's sphincter when he sings the ever-delightful "Paper Late." Ms. Wyles, would you be so kind as to help us?

DICKSHEAD REVISITED

Hello,
Sorry to bother you but I am seeking your advice as to accommodation in Moscow. I am currently studying Russian at university in England and have to spend one night in Moscow "in transit" on route to Ulyanovsk, Siberia. Being a poor student I don't want to spend lots of money on a hotel. I would gratefully receive any advice or help. Secondly, I would like to sample some of Moscow's renowned night life before going to the provinces. I was just wondering if it safe to go out at night all alone. Again I would appreciate any advice as to bars or nightclubs.

Hope to hear from you
IAN

Dear Ian,
Anything to help a Brit! The best hotel for students like yourself is a small, cozy place called Butyrka. Just ask any of the friendly police officers to help you find it. They might even give you a ride! And don't believe all those apocryphal stories about Moscow being dangerous for a lonely limey like yourself. Lace up your sneakers, groom your pointy beard, adjust that eyebrow stud, and get your alterno-arse over to the lobby bar at the Izmailova Tourist Complex, where friendly, genteel, silk-shirted patrons await you with open arms. Cheers!

LAURENT EST L'ILLITERATE

To whom it may concern
Our compagnie, Lobbying America, located in Quebec, Canada, have the mission to provide informations and assistance to those who wishes to immigrated or invest in Canada. We are also looking for someone who could represent us. Don't hesitate to comunuicate with us. If you need more informations, please contact us at this following direction:laurentp@lobbying-america.com or visit our web site: www.lobbying-america.com: Thank you for your time

Laurent Pelletier, PrEsident
Lobbying America Inc.

Dear Mr. President,
Why does your English suck so badly? Is everyone in Quebec as much of an illiterate moron as you? Our advice to you is to do what your parents did: learn to speak English, sir! Your Quebecois revolution is over. Condolences. The French always lose.

YOU DIRTY PRATT, YOU!

I have to say Stuart Pratt's story about the Voodoo Lounge was a convoluted attempt to get browny points with his girlfriend, while sending douche chills through the readers spines. Cant you guys ship in someone who will compose a decent article that will allow...others to live vicariously through a guy picking up some hot skins instead of hearing Stuart's getting Amy into ever article so she will still give him a hummer. Moscow must have more to offer than sipping a cock-tail and holding hands.

Kyle in Jersey

Dear Kyle,
Stuart Pratt replies: "In fact, Moscow does have more to offer than sipping cocktails and holding hands, much more, but sadly, I don't think you would understand much of it. The idea that my articles are designed to entice my partner Amy to give me a 'hummer,' whatever that is (I can guess!), is patently absurd and offensive. That said, I am not ashamed, nor are many of my readers, that there is much joy to be had in holding hands, sipping a cocktail, and enjoying quality live music with your partner. I am not angered by your letter, Kyle, just disheartened."

LIMONO-PHOBIC

Just got done reading Limonov's Issue #12/67 "Reflection's On Western Victory Over Yugoslavia". Always entertaining, but I thought the most interesting sentence was "So, the Mexicans, Serbs, Iraqis, Russians, others humiliated by you, we will destroy your cities and fuck your women. I have a dream... My dreams are always fulfilled." If I've read some of Limonov's earlier work correctly, I would think that he would like to fuck some of our men instead. As a matter of fact, he probably has. Actually, he probably is interested in giving a little, because he's been taking it for so much longer which especially sucks in a country that doesn't believe in air conditioning. Probably doubly hot with his face pressed into some stinky old cushions on one of those Russian bed/couches that get farted on during the day and fucked on at night.

Hugs and Kisses,
Ryan
Sunnyvale, California

Dear Ryan,
We were almost ready to snicker at your letter until we read your home address: Sunnyvale, CA. Of all the depressing, declining, misnamed tract home communities in the South Bay Area, you've got to live in the shittiest of them all, sneered at by every surrounding middle and upper-middle-class suburb from Gilroy to Belmont. Your schools lost in every sport, weeds grow in every sidewalk crack, and most Sunnyvale boys grow up dreaming of owning a souped-up GM pickup truck with Rush blasting from the stereo, while the girls grow up to be obese, bitter secretaries with horribly permed hair and sun-poisoned complexions. You live in hell, Ryan. If your idea of a bad life is sleeping on a dirty couch and faggots, then you're exactly where you belong. Rock on!