Issue #02/57, January 28 - February 10, 1999  

When Russia's crippling debt ballooned out of control last year, the eXile took a stand and called for Russia to default on its loan payments. In our June 16, 1998, editorial, "Defaulting Now For Russia's Future," we wrote, "Russia really does have only one way out. And that way is to default immediately on all of its loans and then train its entire arsenal of intercontinental nuclear missiles on Wall Street." Our reasoning was simple: no creditor on earth could force a crazed, nuclear-armed debtor like Russia to pay up.

But now Russia has moved on to a different stage in its debt-relations with the West. If last year's burning question was how to repay, or default, on its unmanageable debts, then in 1999, the most pressing issue facing the Primakov government is this: How can Russia maximize its gains on the debt default?

Consider the facts. Russia has some $200 billion in outstanding debts which cannot be paid back. That's no small plate of beans. In fact, it's nothing to sneeze at. But it just may be something to laugh at.

And that's exactly what we propose the Primakov government do: laugh at the West for being stupid enough to loan Russia tens of billions of dollars. For, by laughing at the West, Russians will be engaging in what the Germans call schadenfreude. And this is a good idea for Russia because it sounds very Western, without being simply American. Schadenfreude will help to ease the sense of humiliation that many Russians feel today over the fact that their penises are smaller than most Africans' penises, a deep-rooted problem that many believe could set the stage for a Weimar Republic-type scenario. And if there's one thing the West fears, it's the prospect of Russia becoming a nation of pretentious bisexual artists--which is exactly what led to World War II.

We propose a step-by-step approach. We propose, in short, that Russia TEASE the West.

Teasing is no simple art. It must inflict unbearable frustration, and yet it must remain so silly that the recipient would be universally demonized for retaliating.

A good example is the wide receiver who spikes the ball in the end zone, then does a "dirty chicken" dance while pointing at the vanquished defender. The receiver is "teasing" the defender. The defender is not merely defeated in the traditional sense, but is also the butt of a very public and silly joke, and helpless in the face of it. The defender is thus doubly pained, while the receiver, and his backers, are doubly enriched by the experience.

Here's how Russia can tease the West, thereby enriching itself not only materially, but emotionally.

At the next meeting of the London Club, the Primakov government should send two representatives: one, an official whom the Western press would refer to as a "gray, typical Soviet-era official" and the other a clown, in full dress, with a large mocking smile painted on his face, and a tear below one eye. The smile represents the joy Russia feels by defaulting, while the tear represents Russia's underlying sadness.

The meeting should be conducted as follows. The "gray" bureaucrat should not wear deodorant or shower for three days prior to the meeting; it should be demonstrably clear that he is coming off an intense drinking binge. There should be a puddle-sized wet spot on the front of his trousers. He should have difficulty standing upright, and he should fall down at least once trying to take his chair. The clown, while possessing the requisite hand-buzzer, should nevertheless be sober, speak excellent English, and get right down to brass tacks about the specifics of debt payments, deadlines, etc. Such a scenario will have the effect of "teasing" those Western creditors who have lost billions of dollars. They will feel "teased" because it will appear that the Russian side does not take the default seriously, and that, on the contrary, they are having fun at the expense of the Western creditors' misfortune.

The "gray" official should occasionally lift his head from the table and promise that all the money will be paid; however, he should demand that the Western creditors of the London Club should loan him 10 quid so that he can go to the pub in order to "get rid of this fucking headache." Negotiations at that time should hinge on whether or not the London Club members agree to loan the 10 quid to the "gray" official. Once this ten quid is agreed upon, the clown should produce a stack of documents to certify those 10 quid as an official loan from the London Club; the mere fact that the London Club would loan Russia money again would be greeted by international financial markets as a sign of growing confidence. However, the documents should be written in disappearing ink. As the clown passes out the documents to the various members of the London Club--which consists of representatives of the world's most powerful banks--the ink on the documents will disappear. The bankers will feel frustrated at what seems to be a pointless joke. They will, in short, be "teased."

As the meeting breaks up in a rancorous way and the London Club creditors express their frustration, the clown should shrug his shoulders and cry, "What? What'd we do, huh? What?" The "gray" official should try to hug each creditor.

This is just one example of the many ways in which the Russian government could, on behalf of its people, tease the West for holding billions of bad loans. The Russian people will, in this time of crisis, have something to laugh about and this will help boost morale across the political and social spectrum.

Now is the right time for Russia to start teasing the West.