Issue #02/57, January 28 - February 10, 1999  

WE'D LUV YOUR SNAPPY

I loved your story.

Tatiana Mendenhall

Dear Tatiana,
That's great. What we really want to know is... do you have a striped snapper?

HURRUMPH!

Dear Matt,
Are you and Ames going to get off your lazy asses and do some investigative reporting or was the article on the Vorkuta miners a once in a lifetime effort? The frat boys in Moscow routine ("that's why I refused to fuck Maria that night", "at least I'm not a nigger") is pathetic.

Sincerely,
Kevin Murphy

Dear Kevin,
No, we're going to pass on the investigative stuff. It sounds like too much work, and we're already famous and getting laid a lot. The frat boy stuff is a lot easier.

SEEKING: TWERPDOM

Dear Exile,
So, how can I subscribe to the Expat list?

Gary

Dear Gary,
What the hell are you asking US for? Well, all right... since we do serve the local community, we did look into this matter and discovered the process by which one subscribes to the Expat list. First, you must prove that your verbal skills are as primitive as a third-grader's, and your rhetorical flair must be as banal as Russell Working's. Next, you must answer "yes" when asked if your idea of an exciting evening is an American-style restaurant at prices even cheaper than what you'd pay in your hometown, followed by a double-header of "Seinfeld" video-taped episodes with your other expat list friends. Bonus points if you know some of the lines by heart, if you laugh when the live studio audience laughs, or if you say, "Is this the one with the Soup Nazi?" Finally, you must prove that you have never had a remotely satisfying sex life, and that you never expect such a life. This can be proven by your bad complexion, the existence of a Sheryl Crow CD in your collection, or by admonishing those who have exciting sex lives as "shallow people." Hope that helps!

SCARY AND [SIC]

Mark,
your article is SCARY strong ( in the part where you talk about America in general and inability of people to recognize the facts - how sad, pravda?).

I would love to read your view on this country and what is there that we, Russians, are unable to recognize? Anything you've written about this before? Any plans to do so?

Thanks for your being so clearly non-commercial - it leaves the rest of us some hope!

Best regards,
Svetlana K.

Dear Svetlana,
Mr. Ames contributed in his own small way to what he believes is the most sensitive article on Russia yet. See the "Is Russian More Fucked Than Africa?" piece, and you'll realize all the things about your exciting country that you just weren't able to recognize, seein' as you're a local and all. By the way, we were wondering... do you have a striped snapper?

A CRABBY FELLOW

Dear [sic],
crabs. funny little critters aren't they? mine got so big i was thinking about starting a crab circus/farm... just cruising up and down my arms, and everywhere else. Had them for a month before i realized what all that itchin' was about. my roommate in japan got them and i came home to him standing naked in the middle of the common area frantically shaving his entire body; i've never seen such fear. i guess he thought if he removed all of their swing-sets then he'd be free of them... nope. Those bastards dug in!

Joe

Dear Joe,
Pretty gnarly stuff. So, after your roommate shaved, did he have a striped snapper?

HOW SQUIDS ARE

Dear [Sic],
What can you tell me about a squid in a polyethelene bag?

Sincerely,
A. Tool

Dear A,
It is fast and bulbous.