the eXile - editorial

Issue #07/88, April 13 - 27, 2000

If newly-elected President Vladimir Putin ever, God forbid, gets into a serious car accident, and is trapped somehow in his vehicle, one can be sure the famed Jaws of Life will be used to extricate him. Using powerful cutters to

open holes in the roofs of disabled cars, or its patented spreaders to pry apart car doors, the tool will soon be entering its 29th year as a fixture of the rescuer's business. As a former security man, Vladimir Putin surely knows; there would be a lot fewer of us walking around today, if it hadn't been for the Jaws of Life.

But should the Jaws of Life be confined to use in rescue situations? Are there other ways in which ordinary people-people like President Putin and ourselves-can make use of this extraordinary invention? We believe there are. We haven't done so much as three seconds of research on the matter, but it seems to us that the tool could be used in the following ways:

As Scissors. Yes, we already have scissors, and yes, they perform quite well in most cases. But can you use scissors to cut, say, a typewriter in half? Three telephone books? A dog-sized object? In most cases, you can't. But with the Jaws of Life, you can cut most anything, and at 38 pounds, they are hardly too unwieldy for most household jobs.

As player pieces for the game of "Monopoly." For years now, we've been using the same top hat, antique race car, and shoe. Isn't it time for a change? At 38 pounds, the Hurst JL-32B model is exactly the kind of amusing period curio piece that would decorate any monopoly board. And when the game is over, you can use it to cut your metal-framed table in half and chase your girlfriend out of the house for a good three days. Your opponents will run away screaming when they see the look in your eyes!

As cigarette holders. The Jaws of Life unleash the taste of every smoke.

As home companions. Talk to your JL-32B, bring it to parties, offer your shoulder for it to cry on. Let it lie curled up on the couch when the game comes on. Go out to a junkyard with it and let it tear off the cab on an Econoline van. Beat it in secret. Make it a co-dependent accomplice to your

heavy drinking. Induce it to falsify its testimony when you are charged with nine counts of fraud and conspiracy. Wonder where it is when you come home and it doesn't answer when you call. Point a finger at it as it sits in the passenger seat of your car, and tell it to just hear you out, once and for all. With rising panic in your voice ask where it's going as it dresses up to go out on a weeknight. Hire somebody to follow it. Go away with it on a cruise to bring back that magic feeling. Buy it a cable-knit sweater because it looks good in red.

In his first year of college, Vladimir Putin surprised his schoolmates when he came home one day carrying a brand-new set of the Jaws of Life. He claimed he won it in a lottery. His answer was met with some skepticism, but there was no denying the envy his acquisition aspired. To this day, no one knows where Putin got his Jaws of Life, or what he did with them. But it seemed clear that even at this young age, Putin had an overriding ambition to achieve something great in his lifetime. He had wanted to have a Jaws of Life "since I was a schoolboy", he's said.

10,000 years ago, mankind was in its infancy, and had no Jaws of Life.

People were usually nomadic, and in northern climates communities survived the harsh winters only with great difficulty. Disease was rampant. Simple infections which to today's man are mere annoyances proved fatal to our hairy, frightened ancestors. Still, over time, tribes learned to experiment with the application of crushed plants and roots to the wounds and sores of the sick and ailing among them. Sometimes the results were disastrous and only hastened the advance of the sickness, but sometimes the makeshift medicines actually alleviated pain and assisted in the healing process. In this way, man slowly learned to adapt-and become confident of his ability to think his way out of disaster.

Thousands of years later, hope is the rule, not the exception. You don't need to be president and control two television networks to own the Jaws of Life. Anyone can buy them. They are even available online, through the miracle of e-trading. And once you have the Jaws of Life, you are forever guaranteed of having one less worry in the world. You never again need fear being trapped under a disabled car!

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