the eXile - [sic]

Issue #07/88, April 13 - 27, 2000

BOOK OF REVELATIONS

Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi:

Risking total and complete humilation, I am writing you this letter anyway. I was introduced to your publication by a friend of mine who kept ranting about this newpaper called the eXile when we were in Moscow last summer. I read your scathing review of Eugene Onegin and felt that you guys were just a bunch of losers and I had no interest in your tabloid.

Then I returned to the states and he kept ranting about the eXile. God, I had to visit your website just to shut him up.

Then ... it happend. I orderd your damn book from Amazon.com! My only comment: GodFuckingAwesone! It touched my soul deeply and I got all tingly and wet down below!

I don't have a wife or children for you to butt fuck, so don't even think of it! I hope I can find your paper when I visit again this May and June.

Keep up the great work!

Al Lucero

Albuquerque, New Mexico

PS. Is it JUST a rumor, or are you guys quitting?

Dear Mr. Lucero,

That story just brought tears to our eyes. We were about to pack it all in and quit, until we read your heart-wrenching letter. We have touched your life, and that's special. You've got yourself a Roundeye T-shirt next time you're in town, so congrats on that. Now, get yourself a wife and kids so we can touch them, too.

SICKEA

To the Editor:

When I first read your Moscow Times/IKEA article, I assumed that the folks at the Times were either just lazy and needed an easy-to-write story on a slow news day, or truly excited that a new alternative had appeared in a country boasting some of the ugliest furniture in the world. Much less did I suspect that the local press was in fact doing its part to further the development of democracy and a civil society.

A look at the latest issue of the Russian magazine Itogi, however, makes that very case. As Itogi makes clear, IKEA sent a bunch of Russian reporters on a presumably all-expenses-paid trip to its Swedish headquarters, thereby generating all sorts of positive press for itself. For its part, Itogi put the gravely important issue of modern furniture on its cover, and published 3 articles on the topic, including a puff piece on IKEA itself.

The crowning achievement of this testament to independent journalism, however, was the conclusion:

"If modular furniture turns out to be popular in Russia, it will mean that we have finally decided to live in a normal country."

Now we know: cheap, boring furniture = modern civilization. So, when the heck is George Soros going to quit wasting his money and start buying the masses cute little end tables?

Dave Blood

Moscow

Dear Mr. Blood,

We think that missing children in a Scandinavian furniture emporium molested by tall Swedish perverts = modern civilization. So either way you cut it, the appearance of an IKEA superstore bodes well for Russia. Get ready to start cranking out those milk cartons, boys!

BALD IS BEAUTIFUL

Come hawk your book in Bishkek. But do it in July when the hash crop starts coming in.

Love

Baldwin

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

Haven't you written us before from some other shitty something-stan republic? You really ought to consider laying off the hash, dude. It's fuckin' with your short-term memory. And your choice of locations.

GREEDY DANE

Hi,

since you published my letter on your site (latest issue, march 18-30), don't I get a free t-shirt? Man, I'd probably be the only guy in this fuckin country wearing your logo, and since I'm a big guy the PR-cost/benefit is pretty sound. (And I've already bought your book!)

And get your web geek to fix the "other shite" section. What's with this "not found on this server" shit? And why is it that you can't get the geek to publish EVERY ISSUE and ON TIME on your site. I need my regular doze of bile, even if I don't live in Moscow.

Bye,

H. Haraldsson

Copenhagen

Dear Herr Haraldsson,

You only get a free T-shirt if you show proof of purchase of ten eXile books. Of course, you can also put yourself in the running for a T-shirt by sending us a picture of your sister's snapper. Or by posting a gushingly positive review of our book on Amazon.com. Or by immolating yourself, Vietnamese-Buddhist-style, in front of the Carlsberg Beer headquarters while wearing an eXile propeller cap. You just have to dream, Herr Haraldsson, for in dreams lie T-shirts. By the way, what's all this with [sic] letter writers who keep writing us more letters? We thought you guys had busy lives and all, no? Or are we confusing you with Russia Journal readers?

IMPORTANT QUESTION

eXile editors,

Your response to my letter (firing Pratt) is exactly the kind of democracy that should be practiced today. You've been witty, critical, sharp, etc., and now you have inspired. Thanks. Vijay is a huge improvement, by the way. I just hope that he finds the Moscow party scene more interesting than the Goan and Bombay nightclub life. Are there fewer Brits and hippies (colonialist fuckers) in Moscow than the subcontinent?

Dave Carroll

Dear Mr. Carroll,

Vijay Maheshwari replies by email: "Thanks a lot man for your compliments. I know that that Pratt guy, if he even existed in our quantum plane, was just a total loser, and I think that readers can get more into the kind of thing I'm doing because they want to live vivaciously through me, you know. As for Goa and Bombay nightlife, I can only tell you that it's really happening and wild and picking up all the time. I'm touching on this theme in my new book that I'm working on. Read my nightlife column for more details, and check out magazines like Details and Maxim for upcoming articles I'm planning to write for them."

REDNECK RAMPAGE

terrorize this back street, back lot, truck stop town sometime.

tony, from Columbia, South Carolina.

Where the red necks florish always. (and need to fucking die !)

Dear Tony,

Then make them fucking die, dude! We promise you front-page coverage if you do! We'll create a death porn legend in your honor. Just make them die!!!

[Sic] E-VAC

Dear [Sic],

Nice website. I am a paramedic with The New York City Emergency Medical Service. We were in Russia a few years ago and had no idea a site like yours could exist over there. Good luck to you.

Jim

Dear Jim,

Hurry up when you blow us. It took you years to write your letter. Remind us never to have a fucking heart attack on your watch in New York.

UNABRIDGED INCOHERENCE

Dear Citizen,

Please remind me, in case the notion happens to escape me at the time, to throw my size 15 steel-toed combat boot so far up your arse, you'll need a damn good dentist to extract it. Your book sucks, dammit. And don't try and reconcile yourself with any fucking t-shirt neither pal. I'd wear Izod before I advertised your burnt-out hash meat. 'Nite You, you, you mongoloidian, third string, jock scrubber you...

Robert Bridge

Dear Bob,

Actually, if you read the reader review posted by G. Hunt of New York on Amazon.com, you'll see that the book's style recalls Jonathan Swift.

SCALY EVEREST

Dear [Sic],

I don't know if you remember me, we met briefly last May when I visited the office to deliver a photo ("healthy!") for a little music blurb I'd written for you guys. I've been trying to keep up with the paper online, and continue to be inspired by what you guys are doing. seriously. Nice job.

I particularly liked your Bradley campaign piece, and emphasis on media coverage as a sport-reporting of campaign tactics and strategy - "democracy" as simply a matter of PR, something the Russians don't appear to have any trouble grasping, or shame in openly applying to their own political process. (why democracy sucks...) I'm also loving the march madness diatribe press review single-elimination tourny - brilliant. blah blah blah

the short version of my story is that I'm returning to Moscow on April 20, for three months, and would love to work with you guys some more, in whatever capacity may be appropriate/available. I'll be doing some general writing for myself and a few small-time newsletters/newspapers over here anyway, but would love to hook up with you again at the Exile. I've spent the past several months finally getting my undergrad history degree (the 11-year plan), putting out another compilation CD on my indie-labels, Groove Garden/Firetrunk, studying Russian, and putting together some new musical projects for recording and performing. I plan to be back and forth between Moscow and St. Pete, and hopefully get to Kiev at some point.

let me know if there's anything you guys need from over here. thanks for your time and the great work you're doing.

hope to see you soon.

james everest

Dear James,

You had us going there for a minute, until you mentioned yourself and your own plans. We don't care about you or your trip to Russia. Don't ever mention yourself in your writing. Stick to writing about other people. That's what the world wants from you.

STONE GUSHY

Dear eXile,

Your worst journalist series is the funniest thing I've read in a very,very long time, and actually makes a good point along the way. I'm looking forward to the next iteration.

Dave Stone

Dear Dave,

Thank you. Send us a photo of your wife's snapper. We bet it's bushy and matted. And leaking - a milky fluid!

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