Issue #07/88, April 13 - 27, 2000  

Bag One of Our 40 Most Wanted

For years now people have been calling on us to stop our whining and put our money where are mouths are. Until now we haven't, and our excuse has been that we don't have any money to put anywhere. We still don't, of course, but we've gotten so tired of hearing that criticism that we decided to borrow some. We are therefore proud to announce the launch of the eXile Shit List, which offers a $1000 reward to any reader who helps bring about the arrest or firing of our enemies. Before, if you were on our Shit List, all we did was complain about you. Now, we're offering money for your head.

Here's the way the Shit List works. We supply you with a list of names, a brief description of each offender's crime against human decency, a suggested plan of attack for each, and whatever information we have about his or her last known address. The rest is your responsibility. All you have to do is get any of our Most Wanted fired or arrested, and we'll give you a grand. It's that easy.

How you bag your prey is up to you. For instance, if you deliver us the name of the elusive Polish co-ed whom Jeffrey Sachs reportedly helped fake an application into Harvard after he bedded her, and we use that information to get Sachs fired from Harvard, then you win the money. If you bypass us entirely and go straight to The Boston Globe, or to the Harvard Disciplinary Committee, and you get the same result, well - you still get the money.

The same goes for arrests and indictments. If you want to give us the information that helps us get American businessman X indicted for paying bribes overseas, we'll pay out the reward. If you want to go to your local D.A. on your own and he files charges, we'll pay.

This isn't a one-time offer. Bag two bad guys, and you win two grand. Bag one this month, and one next year, we pay a grand each time. Fair is fair. We can't afford it, but once you read this list, you'll agree-neither we nor you, our reader, can afford to have these guys on the loose, either.

We'll update the list every issue. Names may be added or subtracted arbitrarily. We may have 40 Most Wanted this week and 100 the next. If someone on the list dies or is dismissed, he is removed from the list, and we'll replace him with a new fugitive from justice. Depending on the situation, we may also do as the FBI does with its list and juggle the order of the names. Michael McFaul may be number 37 this week, but should he write a particularly evil op-ed piece for The New York Times, he may move up a few places. Incidentally, we pay extra for Public Enemy #1. Bring down our number 1 bad guy, and we'll pay $1500.

So that's that. Without further ado, here's our Shit List. Try to stay off it. And if you're the hunting type, the money's on the table. We'll be waiting for your call.

Position: Professor of Economics, Harvard University

Crime: Remaining employed. After being caught in 1997 investing (though his wife, Nancy Zimmerman) in Russia despite the fact that he was running the Harvard Institute for International Development's Russian programs for the development of the legal structure of Russia's capital markets-resulting in a hugely embarrassing public relations nightmare for Harvard - Shleifer not only kept his position as professor, but was awarded the John Bates Clarke award by the American Economics Association. The award, given the outstanding economist under 40, is an honor on the order of a Nobel Prize for young academics, and not normally given to figures under investigation by grand juries. One of a whole litter of unfathomably obnoxious egomaniacal assholes on the Harvard Economics Faculty, Shleifer's continued good standing in the face of scandal is almost certainly a reward for his silence about the smarmier details of Harvard's investment portfolio in Russia.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Call up the U.S. Attorney in Boston and tell him to do his fucking job already.

Where To Find Him: Department of Economics, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA.

Position: Chief Administrator of the United Nations in Kosovo

Crime: 8,892 counts of fictional murder. On August 2, Kouchner announced that 11,000 victims of the Serbian genocide effort had been found in mass graves in Kosovo. Kouchner's own office later revealed that the actual figure was 2,108.

How To Get Him Fired or Arrested: Sue him for something else; depose him, ask him about the bodies, then have him criminally prosecuted for perjury when he lies.

Where To Find Him: 100 United Nations Plaza, 48th St. & 1st Avenue, New York, NY

Position: Washed-up grunge-rockers

Crime: Riding on the coattails of Nirvana's breakthrough Nevermind, basically started the trend of totally safe, non-alternative bands pretending to be alternative. Underneath the self-aggrandizing battle against TicketMaster and ostentatious avoidance of MTV, they were nothing more than slightly reworked Classic Rock. Convinced a generation of Frat Fuckers that flannel-clad Bad Company was somehow indie, punk, or alternative, thus paving the way for just about every corporate sludgepile act to follow, from Stone Temple Pilots all the way down to the Limp Bizkits and Korns of today.

How to Get Them Fired or Arrested: Fortunately, they're already quasi-has-beens, but a revival could happen at any moment, so stay alert.

Where to Find Them: Seattle, WA

37. Shinish

Position: Tsirk Club Director

Crime: As the Serbian fag impresario behind first Jazz Kafe, and now Tsirk, he is almost singlehandedly responsible for bringing Face Control to Moscow.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Successfully promulgate rumors that he's actually Croatian, and the rest will take care of itself.

Where To Find Him: Tsirk, 13 Tsvetnoi Bul.

Position: President of CBS

Crime: Pioneered television innovation known as "Live Video Insertion", in which technicians place computer-generated images on top of real objects like billboards and building faces which appear in the background of TV news coverage. The technique promises to open up a whole new realm of product-placement advertising which actively distorts pictures viewers innocently perceive to be reality. When a story broke that CBS had placed its own company logo on virtual billboards all over Times Square during Dan Rather's Y2K New Year's Eve telecast, Heyward was quoted as saying, "I don't want to apologize for being aggressive in exploiting this."

How You Can Get Him Arrested or Fired: File a suit on behalf of a company whose real billboard advertisements have been obscured by CBS's virtual ads; sue for damages so large that you end up owning the company, then have Heyward transferred to the mailroom.

Where You Can Serve him With a Subpoena: 524 West 57th St., New York, NY 10019; fax 212-975-1893.

Position: Commander of the U.S. Army's 4th Psychological Operations Group

Crime: Planted five Psychological Operations (PSYOPS) interns in jobs at CNN headquarters in Atlanta, as well as at National Public Radio. At least one PSYOPS intern worked at CNN during the Kosovo war. PSYOPS is an army unit charged with advancing army aims in the public arena overseas, and with spreading disinformation harmful to the enemy. According to CounterPunch, St. John last year publicly called for "greater cooperation between the armed forces and the media giants" and pointed to news stories about Kosovo his interns had worked on as an example.

How You Might Get Him Fired or Arrested: Any way you can. We'd like to see him sacked as a result of a phony news story, spread by Russian PSYOPS, linking him to unsolved murders of little boys in North Carolina.

Where You Can Find Him: Fort Bragg, NC

Position: Chaplain of the New Jersey State Police Chief's Association

Crime: Pioneering new trend toward lavish state-funded funerals for police dogs. In 1998, Cooke gave a funeral ceremony for a police dog named Solo, who was shot while chasing down, predictably enough, a former Black Panther named Donald Bunting. The ceremony Cooke held put Solo in a four-foot white casket draped in the American flag that had been flying above the Capitol in Washington the day he was shot. The casket was lined with dog biscuits and covered with a wreath of flowers arranged in the shape of Solo's face. During the ceremony, a band played "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes, and a row of other Jersey K-9 dogs were ordered to sit. On his heroic death in pursuit of the black fugitive, Cooke said, "This creature of God gave up his life as a matter of love." According to Counterpunch editor Alexander Cockburn-brother of Moscow-based Independent reporter Patrick Cockburn-the Black Panther-chaser was an import from Germany who only responded to German commands. Police dog funerals of this type are now increasingly common.

Where To Find Him: 570 N Bridge St, Bridgewater , NJ

Position: AOL/Time Warner Chief

Crime: The Wal-Mart-ization of the internet. This year, journalist Norman Solomon conducted a study, tracking via Nexus/Lexis the use in major newspapers of the terms "information superhighway" and "e-commerce." Here's what he found: in 1995, some 4,562 stories contained the phrase "information superhighway." On the other hand, "e-commerce" appeared only 915 times.

Fast forward to 1999. "E-commerce" appears 20,641 times. "Information superhighway", with all of its connotations of a resource geared toward the free exchange of information, appears just 842 times. The "superhighway" has been replaced by the ultimate toll road-the vision of the net put forward by Case's AOL. Plus, Case just flat-out looks like a dick.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Pick up a 15-year-old on AOL chat, lay her, then turn yourself in and call him as a witness in your defense.

Where To Find Him: telephone: 800-827-6364

Position: Pulitzer Prize Administrator

Crime: Steve Liesman's 1999 Foreign Journalism Award; three awards to The Washington Post in the year 2000; award to The Denver Post for hysterical and obvious Columbine coverage; inevitable future award to Michael Gordon for Chechen coverage

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Investigate his personal relationships with winning reporters/publications. Goad him into taking a swing at you in front of a cop

Where To Find Him: The Pulitzer Prizes, Columbia University, 709 Journalism Building, 2950 Broadway, New York, NY 10027

31. Bruce Davis

Position: Executive Director, Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences

Crime: Every Best Picture Oscar since Amadeus. Hires Billy Crystal

How To Get Him Fired or Arrested: Send threatening letters in his name to The Wall Street Journal, souring their voluntary agreement not to leak the Oscar winners again; Academy will fire him

Where To Find Him: 8949 Wilshire Boulevard, Beverly Hills, CA, 90211

Position: President, Public Broadcasting Marketing Company

Crime: The commercial mind behind "corporate sponsorship" of Public Broadcasting programming. Thompson's company, PBM, runs a public television advertising service that lets corporations harness the power of Big Bird. Two decades ago, PBS was in the habit of proudly flaunting the noncommercial character of its programming - Sesame Street even used to end with a playful message telling kids that the show had been brought to you, for instance, by the letter Z or the number 2. Today, thanks to Thompson, the show sometimes closes with an ad for an antibiotic manufactured by the same people who brought the world Viagra: "Pfizer brings parents the letter Z - as in Zithromax." Here's Thompson, as quoted on the Extra! Website: "Through Public Broadcasting Marketing, corporations can place messages adjacent to Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, Shining Time Station, and Barney, tapping the sales potential of these acclaimed programs," Thompson once said. "More and more corporations recognize PBM's unique, high-impact environment."

How To Get Him Fired or Arrested: Convince a morally courageous D.A. somewhere to prosecute him. Corporate sponsorship is of dubious legality and has never been tested in court.

Where To Find Him: PBM headquarters, 919 3rd Ave, New York, NY. (212) 688-3530

Position: Small Forward, Portland Trailblazers

Crime: Is a dick; blasted poor old Charles Barkley for being lazy and having a "fat butt" despite the fact that Barkley had taken a pay cut in order to allow the Houston Rockets to sign him; as a Trailblazer is now furthering the whole headband thing; copies Kobe Bryant's haircut.

How to get him off the court: Send him a motorcycle as a gift along with a note explaining that Allen Iverson rides his drunk, with no hands.

Where To Find Him: Portland TrailBlazers, P.O Box 4448, Portland, OR 97208. (503) 224-4400

Position: Senior Vice President, Wal-Mart enterprises

Crime: America's largest nongovernmental employer crushed the first serious attempt by Wal-Mart employees to organize when it terminated the meat-packing wing of the store's business as soon as its butchers formed a union. Wal-Mart will now buy prepackaged meat and reassign its butchers to shelving duty, where they will earn a base pay of about $7 an hour.

How You Can Get Him Arrested or Fired: Die of hantavirus on national television after eating the new prepackaged Wal-Mart meat

Position: Professor of Economics, Harvard University

Crime: Sudden transformation into a critic of privatization and World Bank policies after having spearheaded such policies to disastrous effect in Russia for many years. Sachs in recent weeks has been selling himself as a spokesman for the anti-IMF protesters, and was quoted in The New York Times as saying that people are upset that the IMF hasn't been held accountable for its performance, when, "they should be." Sachs himself, meanwhile, has not been held responsible for any of his mistakes in Russia and in other parts of the world. At a March 11 economic conference he hosted, he complained that the privatization process in Russia - which he was the architect of - had been derailed by corrupt insider deals outside his control. Sachs never complained about the corruption as it was happening, of course. Remains unexposed as a grifter who simultaneously bamboozled both Russian and American governments into thinking he was an official advisor to the other side. Sachs repeatedly claimed he was an advisor to the Russian government in the early privatization period, but a recent article by University of Pittsburgh Professor Janine Wedel revealed that he was likely never hired by the Russians in any official capacity. Wedel quotes IMF official Jean Foglizzio as saying, "[When] the prime minister [Viktor Chernomyrdin], who is the head of government, says "I never requested Mr. Sachs to advise me" - it triggers an unpleasant feeling, meaning, who is he?"

How You Can Get Him Fired or Arrested: Ask around among economics students from the late 1980s about a young female Polish exchange student who might have been friendly with him. Investigate why Sachs taught few classes at Harvard during that period.

Where You Can Find Him: Prof. Jeffery D. Sachs, Director of Harvard University Institute for International Development, 14 Stoney Drive, Cambridge, MA 02138; ph: 617-495-4112; fax: 617-495-0527

Position: Advertising sales manager, Seventeen magazine.

Crime: Confronted by evidence that the magazine had been taking Federal money from the National Drug Control office to run anti-drug stories, O'Hare said proudly, "There's another anti-drug feature in May or June. I'm sure the White House will be happy about that!"

How to Get Her Arrested or Fired: Drop a bag of China White in her makeup kit

Where to Find Her: ph: 800-308-1749 or 303-604-7208

Position: Partner in the law firm Clifford, Chance, Punder

Crime: A former head of the Moscow American Chamber of Commerce, Bean has been transformed from a Yeltsin regime apologist into a leading cheerleader for the cuddly authoritarianism of the Putin regime, which he sees as good for business. His expression of unqualified support for the new dictator: "I am personally telling our clients that the time to get in is now." Attention Clifford Chance clients: Bean said the same thing before the last financial crisis.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Pretend to be Andrei Babitsky and leave repeated messages on his answering machine

Where To Find Him: 24/27 Sadovaya-Samotechnaya Ulitsa, 4th floor; ph: 258-5050. Krazy Kevin still has an entrance pass to that building, so contact him if you want to use it to sneak in.

Position: California State Attorney General

Crime: After more than 750,000 voter signatures were collected to put a proposition on the ballot permitting medicinal marijuana use (similar bills adopted by the state legislature had already been twice vetoed by the Governor), ordered police raids in August 1996 on patient clubs in San Francisco and Los Angeles, where sufferers AIDS, cancer, and other chronic obtained medicinal marijuana to ease their sever pain. When the Doonesbury comic strip ridiculed Lungren for the raids, Lungren called on newspapers to censor the cartoons. The proposition passed in November of that year with a 56% majority.

Where To Find Him: 717 K Street, Suite 320, Sacramento, CA 95814

Position: Acting Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund

Crime: Intent to throw gasoline on the fire. One would think that only a madman could look back at Russia's experience in the past decade and conclude that what the country needs is more of the same. The directorship of the IMF, however, is a position that absolves the holder of the overwhelming burdens of sanity. Here's an excerpt from a recent Fischer speech: "We conclude that the basic strategy advocated by market-oriented proponents of reform a decade ago is correct: namely that both stabilization policies and structural reforms, particularly privatization, contribute to growth; and that the faster is the speed of reforms, the quicker is the recovery from the inevitable initial recession, and the more rapid is growth." So the 1990s were an "inevitable initial recession"? Are we missing something? Officer, stop this man!

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Join demonstrators this weekend in forming a human wall around IMF headquarters, shutting the organization down on his watch. File a palimony suit against him. Both.

Where You Can Find Him: 700 19th St. N.W., Washington D.C., 20431

Position: Schlock merchant

Crime: Bicentennial Man, following Jakob the Liar and Patch Adams, marked his third straight effort at the utterly loathsome "lovable man-child" role of the Jack genus

How To Get Him Fired or Arrested: Show all three of Williams's latest movies to the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights Violations; start international proceedings

Where To Find Him: San Francisco, CA

Position: President of J. Crew

Crime: Pioneering trend toward widespread expansion of "casual day" phenomenon to "casual weeks." Campaign to allow Americans to work without ties has led to a final blurring of the boundaries between labor and relaxation; Americans now dress as though at home while at work because for most of them, work is home. Sullivan has led the way by providing discounts for firms like Morgan Stanley Dean Witter which have gone all-out casual. J. Crew has been followed by Brooks Brothers, which has set up mannequins in conference room displays in its stores, and by Polo Ralph Lauren, which recently held a casual fashion show in New York using lawyers from the firm Cadwalader, Wickersham and Taft as models.

How to Get Her Arrested or Fired: Fund a study by the Cato Institute which shows that suit-and-tie dress codes increase productivity; "discover" heretofore unknown essay by Marx, "On the Historical Inevitability of the Polo Shirt."

Position: Managing Director, Deutsche Bank

Crime: Sponsors so-called "IPO Boot Camps," in which would-be dot.com millionaires get together and are drilled on the techniques for securing pre-IPO financing, settling the division of fees among underwriting syndicate members, and maintaining physical fitness while on pre-IPO business trips (drink lots of water to avoid dehydration). The latest boot camp, held in a Mariott ballroom in Newton, Massachusetts, left attendees exhilarated, according to The Wall Street Journal. Said one woman representing a telecom startup: "It was so fascinating, I was afraid to go to the bathroom in case I missed something."

How to Get Him Arrested Or Fired: Inform the ATF that a Waco-type situation is developing in the ballroom of the next boot camp; fire a bb gunshot out from the inside.

Position: Literary Superstar

Crime: With his hit novel Infinite Jest, a 1,069-page opus with nearly 300 pages worth of meandering footnotes containing mostly unrelated asides and soul-sucking marginalia, DFW made it OK again to admit to liking Thomas Pynchon again for a whole generation of literary workshop wannabes who never actually read Pynchon and therefore have no idea just how bad he actually is. Staggeringly Honest Asshole Dave Eggers and his ilk are just the first generation of a plague that promises to smother American literary fiction for years to come.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Rigorously demonstrate that DFW actually cribbed long sections of Infinite Jest from a French translation of Pynchon's opus Gravity's Rainbow, subsequently retranslating the excerpts back into even more convoluted English and paraphrasing slightly to suit his plot and setting purposes.

Where To Find Him: Creative Writing Department, University of Illinois, Champaign.

Position: Hitlerian Chief Medical Officer for the American Association of Health Plans

Crime: Creative interpretation of the Hippocratic oath. When news broke in the Journal of the American Medical Association that 39% of American doctors faked a diagnosis at least once last year to prevent insurance companies from kicking sick people out of hospitals, Cutler, the medical authority for a plan which represents over 1,000 HMOs, said the doctors were "essentially allowing people to get benefits for which they haven't paid. The people who pay for that are everybody else who's paying for the premiums."

How to Get Him out of the Picture: Invite Him on an African Safari, refuse to suck the poison out when he is bitten by a black mamba, read the above quote off to him as he enters his terrible final convulsions

Position: Director of Marketing, Ikea, Moscow

Crime: The missionary spreading the shitty-furniture truth in Russia, his reaction to city of Moscow's refusal to allow Ikea to build an on-ramp has been so hysterical, you'd think someone fucked his mother. Oh, wait - we did fuck his mother.

How You Can Get Him Fired or Arrested: Actually he's probably safe, but there are some people at The Moscow Times who could suffer for letting Steinberg buy front-page articles with full-page ads. That is, they could pay if the articles hadn't been ordered personally by Independent Media Chief Derk Sauer

Where To Find Him: Just off the highway in Khimki, surrounded by a crowd of American reporters

Position: Renowned Anger Management Specialist; president of Confidence Training, Inc.

Crime: One of a growing number of behavior specialists whose expertise is training people to learn the joys of cooperation and corporate doublespeak rather than kill their swinish bosses with machine guns. Bower's field is now so well-respected that NFL football players, taught by day to tear their opponents' heads off, are being counseled in anger management by night to keep society safe. An example of anger management strategy is Bower's "cooling-out" model: "My four-step model for solving interpersonal conflict is called DESC. It helps people develop the mental control strategies for cooling down and for developing a style of language that objectively DESCribes the problem situation, hence, the D of DESC. The E stands for expressing feelings and thoughts without blaming the other person. S stands for specifying behavior changes that you would like the other person to commit to, and, finally, the C stands for laying out the realistic and reasonable consequences, such as positive rewards and, if necessary, negative consequences or reasonable punishments. So this four-step method for solving interpersonal conflict, DESC, uses script-writing as a way to learn how to use assertive language that helps people solve problems and get along better. It is like a road map, that helps a person carve a careful, clear and direct approach through a mine field of conflict."

How to Get Her Fired or Arrested: Seek out her services, then kill a lot of people and yourself, leaving hundreds of photos of her face pasted up on your wall at home.

Position: Washington Post Editorial Page Editor

Crime: Continuing to be himself. Having moved on to the big time after a short but successful stint as a purveyor of disinformation from the Post's Moscow bureau, Hiatt in the last few years has remained true to himself in his enormously influential position as editorial page editor of The Washington Post. Most recently, he has steadfastly refused to print a correction even after publicly admitting that he made a mistake on a crucial issue three times on the Post's editorial page. Here's what happened. In December, 1998, the U.N. Weapons inspection team, lead by chief Richard Butler, pulled out of Iraq in anticipation of U.S. airstrikes. The Post itself, in its news section, correctly reported that the U.N. team's decision to leave was its own. Nonetheless, Hiatt subsequently wrote on three separate occasions that Saddam Hussein had forced the team out, using terms like "kicking out" and "expelled". The Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting group bombarded Post Ombudsman E.R. Shipp with letters protesting the mistake, and Shipp subsequently elicited a confession from Hiatt in her Ombudsman column. Said Hiatt: "I think it's partly because I remember that the inspectors had been expelled in 1997 and partly because I was sloppy in making the distinction between Hussein's kicking them out [in 1997] and making their job impossible [in 1998]." Despite having made this confession, however, Hiatt has refused to issue a correction, as The New York Times did after making the same mistake. You can draw your own conclusions as to why Hiatt would consciously commit to writing revisionist history.

How You Might Get Him Arrested or Fired: Get hired as his personal assistant and accuse him of sexual harassment. You may be male or female.

Where To Find Him: Fed Hiatt c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington DC 20071

Position: U.S. Supreme Court Justice

Crime: Wrote a 1994 decision in which the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that conspiring to commit a narcotics crime can be a violation of Federal law even if the conspiracy is never carried out. This essentially means that even talking about breaking a Federal drug law can be enough to earn a decade-long prison sentence.

How to Get Her Fired or Arrested: That whole appointment-for-life and supreme judicial immunity could be tough to beat. We recommend starting out by harassing any offspring she might have.

Where to Find Her: U.S. Supreme Court Building, Washington DC

Position: Political consultant first for Yeltsin, then for Putin

Crime: Created Putin and pushed him onto the Russian public. He's the man behind the man. And the man behind the ruthless, super-cynical smear campaign that has left Russia's nascent democracy and sense of free press in irreparable tatters. Known as the Dick Morris of Russia, he is also another one of these Joschka Fischer types who prides himself for his youthful radicalism (he was jailed as a dissident in Soviet times, and is quoted as saying he was "inspired by My 1968 in Paris and Berkeley"), but turned around and destroyed every shred of idealism and hope in his country the minute he came to power.

How To Get Pavolvsky Arrested Or Fired: Support a National-Bolshevik revolution

How To Find Him: Tchya, right. Although you could always try gleb@russ.ru.

Position: Evil zealot

Crime: Beginning in late March sometime, this unknown cyber-scumbag, who we'll kill if we ever locate, has been hacking into the eXile website and systematically deleting every article we ever wrote about the Kosovo war.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Just find him. We'll take care of the rest

Where To Find Him: The first place we'd look is the U.S. Embassy.

Position: CEO of BP Amoco

Crime: The ultimate symbol of everything mean, destructive, and hypocritical about globalization in the Bill Clinton era, Sir John is a close confidant and soul mate to British Prime Minister Tony Blair, and enjoys a frighteningly cozy relationship with the President himself. In Russia, he was able to use his influence to turn a savage, amoral battle with Tyumen Oil Company (TNK) over oil assets into a po' Westerner good guy vs. evil Russian bad guy tale, which was resolved only when Madeline Albright personally intervened to punish TNK by denying them a U.S. government-backed loan until they settled amicably with BP Amoco (i.e., in BP's favor). BP's takeover of Amoco resulted in thousands of lost American jobs; the TNK loan would have resulted in hundreds of more American jobs. Guess who won? In the cynical high-stakes battle for Caspian Sea oil, the Clinton Administration has used BP Amoco to try to reroute Caspian oil away from Russia towards Georgia and Turkey instead, even promising to loan BP Amoco billions in order to construct the economically insane yet geopolitically advantageous Ceyhan pipeline through despotic regimes who happen to like us more than Russia or Iran. Elsewhere, Sir John finally looks set to swallow yet another American oil giant, this time Arco, which would give him a virtual monopoly on Alaskan oil and the lucrative West Coast (i.e., California) retail market. In the process he has pushed for, and received, license to exploit and destroy vast areas of pristine Alaskan land once designated as wildlife preserves and national parks, while existing pipeline leakage wreaks havoc on land that where he'd promised to maintain the environment. In Colombia, where BP Amoco is one of two Western oil companies dominating the market, Sir John has financed paramilitary groups which have slaughtered countless peasant activists who have dared to protest the environmental havoc caused by their drilling and piping. In order to help BP's fight against protesters, the Clinton Administration has just asked Congress to give $1.7 billion in military aid to Colombia, including Black Hawk helicopters, allegedly to fight "narco-terrorists," but in actuality to fight BP Amoco's resisters. Amazingly (unless you consider his relationship to Blair and Clinton), Sir John spends most of his public life defining himself as a Third Way capitalist who has placed social responsibility and environmental awareness on par with profit.

How To Get Him Arrested Or Fired: Vote for the Conservative Party in England, the Republicans in the United States; participate in boycotts of BP Amoco stations; assist an inevitable California-based lawsuit against the BP Amoco-Arco merger.

Where To Find Him: BP Amoco PLC

Britannic House, 1 Finsbury Circus, London EC2M 7BA. Cables: BEEPEELOND LONDON EC2. Telephone: (44 0171) 496 4000. Telex: 888811. Fax: (44 0171) 496 4630

Position: Pop star

Crime: Madonna is a saggy, wrinkly old bag who, now more than ever, is intent on proving to herself and the world that she's still a sexy grrrl and empowered boy toy. She's not. She's old. And she's gross. And we want her out of the sex-spotlight, and into the world of cheesy ballads where all saggy, washed-up former sex symbols retreat to. Sure she's an obvious target, but sometimes you have to dispense with the urge-to-be-unique and just call a spade a spade. Or in this case, a saggy old cunt a saggy old cunt. We had been willing to absolve her for previous crimes, such as pioneering the fat-ankles-are-beautiful trend, for taking all the mystery and joy out of fetish-sex and even for the capital crime of turning every eighth-grader into a dyke-for-a-day. But for her mangling of the Don MacLean classic "American Pie" is the final straw. No amount of plastic surgery, amino acids and high-tech body building can hide the fact that her skin and muscles are loosening and unraveling from extended wear and use; indeed her body has seen more traffic pass over it than Interstate 80, and her cunt is wide and worn in enough to house a split-level parking garage, with room for a Starbuck's to spare. If she were in Bangkok, she'd be popping beach balls out of her snapper, not ping-pong balls.

How To Get Her Arrested or Fired: Get a zoom photograph of her waking up in the morning; better yet, arrange so that her next amour wears a cock-cam which can measure the width of her vagina, record the scar tissue, dead matter and publish results on web; start a web site called "Madonna Is A Saggy Old Bag" that allows users to sign a petition asking her to cease and desist making videos that show any part of her body below her neck, excepting her veiny hands.

Position: U.S. Drug Czar

Crime: Mercilessly pursuing the "War On Drugs" on behalf of an admitted drug-using President and Vice President. Among other things, McCaffrey has overseen a massive increase in the number of federal prisoners serving time for marijuana possession charges; some 60% of federal prisoners are doing time for non-violent drug offenses, most of whom are first-time offenders. He went further and stomped on the sick by squelching his own medical panel's recommendations to allow medical marijuana use, and led the fight to stomp on voters' rights when he forced the closure of voter-approved medical marijuana clinics in California and elsewhere. Worst of all, now McCaffrey has come up with a brilliant plan to drag America into Colombia's civil war on the side of the corrupt government - which is at present resigning en masse over unprecedented corruption scandals - and right-wing paramilitaries, who not only massacre peasants by the hundreds but who also control the cocaine and heroin distribution network once the drugs leave the rebel-held territory. And last but not least, McCaffrey oversaw an unprecedented subversive program secretly promoting one of the most scandalous government intrusions into the media in modern times by furtively arranging for television shows and magazine articles to take a McCaffrey-approved anti-drug bias in return for huge advertising revenues. McCaffrey channeled some $1 billion in U.S. taxpayer dollars to alter messages and scripts on popular TV shows and in magazines ranging from US News and World Report to Seventeen. This man is a war criminal and a subversive who belongs in a glass-enclosed cage in Den Hague contemplating suicide, not freely walking the White House.

How to Get Him Arrested or Fired: Find his gay lover from his early military days and convince him to out Barry McCaffrey - even if he has to lie; otherwise, educate the thousands of victims of McCaffrey's jail-em-all policies so that they know the name, the face, and the address of the man who put them behind bars, and strongly hint to them that vengeance is the right thing when one's life has been destroyed. This could unleash tens of thousands of potential McCaffrey stalkers, thereby making his life a paranoid hell, a nonstop bad acid trip that he can never come out of.

Where To Find Him: 1400 Pennsylvania Ave.

Position: Foreign Minister of Germany, de facto leader of the German Greens Party

Crime: A sellout of such monumental proportions that he competes with Gennady Zyuganov and Vladimir Zhirinovsky in terms of his cynicism, hypocrisy and complete willingness to be coapted by the Man in order to be allotted a corner-slice of power. The Greens party had always demanded an immediate end to nuclear power, a withdrawal from NATO and pacifism, increased taxes on roadways in order to protect the environment and encourage public transportation, a ban on sales of military equipment to repressive regimes. Pretty basic stuff. However, things turned out a little bit differently. Nuclear power is to be phased out now over a 25 year period-if that; not only have the Greens acquiesced to keeping Germany in NATO, but they gave the Green light to using the Luftwaffe to bomb Belgrade, allowing German troops to see some of that old combat action for the first time since the bad ol' Third Reich days; they caved on road taxes; and caved on sales of military equipment to Turkey, equipment used to slaughter Kurdish villagers. More recently, Joschka's bleeding heart for Chechnya turned out to be more Green bullshit as news reports surfaced that the German spy service was helping the Russians pinpoint (with typical precision) bases and activities of the alleged Chechen apartment bomb terrorists, even spending time with them in the peaceful green town of Guedermes.

How To Get Him Arrested: Vote for the Nazi Party or one of its obvious extreme-right legal copycats; if they come to power, they'll tear the cigar right out of that hippy's mouth and shove it up his Green ass, cherry-first. For starters. Otherwise, arm the Haidar-run Austrian government, and let him do a reverse Aunschluss until such time that Fischer is apprehended and brought to trial for degrading every single value that the Greens once stood for.

7: Viktor Pelevin

Position: Leading young Russian literary figure

Crime: Plagiarism, bad word-play, post-modern pandering on a level of sophistication that you'd expect from a Third World jungle transplant who had just been exposed to Western arts and thought for the first time in his life. Also a notorious slut and friend of the other Vijay Maheshwari, well-known as the strikeout king of Moscow's nightlife. Pelevin's M.O. is to steal, say, The Metamorphosis, rename it Life Of Insects, then throw in some pop culture references, and rely on underconfident Western critics to wow at the fact that a Russian can make high and low post-modern sleight-of-prose tricks, in much the same way that we marvel when Koko the gorilla communicates with his trainers in basic sign language.

How To Get Him Arrested Or Fired: Stop giving him free chop; he'll stop writing books

Where To Find Him: Churchill's, Vijay's

Position: Promoter/Creator of Menudo

Crime: Created both the lip-synching all boy group phenomenon that gave rise to 'N Synch, New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys; Ricky Martin, who is the bane of stiff-jointed white men and boys the world over, got his start in Menudo. Sure it gives pre-pubescent girls something to cheer about, but the Latin music craze has made every dipshit white chick suddenly think she can dance salsa, while there's little doubt that NAMBLA members have been playing many a game of pocket pool while watching Menudo, New Kids, and the rest shake their little asses and work up a pre-pubescent sweat. Diaz, who has been the subject of all sorts of scandalous sex rumors involving the Menudo boys, devised a cruel yet erotic scheme that would have made Jean Genet and even Socrates blush: once the boys hit puberty, they're history. No hairy asses in this band! We'd maybe have been able to deal with that, if Ricky Martin didn't re-emerge from the childhood trauma and terrorize the white male disco-skulking species. Look, it's tough enough as it is pretending that the stupid chick you're trying to fuck is pretty or interesting or worth dancing with; but when Ricky Martin transformed the whole mating ritual into a salsa dancing marathon, he practically cleared the dancefloor of self-respecting crackers.

How To Get Him Arrested Or Fired: Next time Menudo comes to the United States for a tour, borrow some orphan boy, tape a tap to his nipple, and send him backstage into Diaz's dressing room holding a bottle of baby oil with a bow.

Where To Find Him: The man's elusive; check Menudo's top fan club site for up-to-date concert listings at http://members.aol.com/menudo77/frontpage.html

Position: Responsible for Amherst College's sexual harassment policy

Crime: Defends a code in which "repeated or unwanted staring" is defined as sexual harassment and could ruin a man's career and life if found guilty of staring. For this shit-list entry, the eXile called Amherst and spoke to several people, from Mary Jane's secretary to the news office to the legal department to the school newspaper looking for someone to comment on this part of the law. We were met with CIA-like evasion tactics (only cruder). Finally we called Mary Jane Quinn's office again, and were told that Ms. Quinn would get back to us with any answers to our inquiries about the staring-harassment policy, with the clear implication that Quinn had no intention whatsoever of returning our calls. In fact, the secretary even covered up the phone and repeated what another woman in the background was telling her to say, that Quinn wasn't in, that she'd call us, and that we shouldn't call them. No one from the school newspaper to the chancellor's office of this top-flight liberal arts college seemed to know or willing to divulge its own sexual harassment code, and for good reason. It is so vile that it is beyond comment even in our normally bilious and verbose newspaper.

How To Get Her Arrested or Fired: Hire a young woman to appear a few times near Ms. Quinn's office, and then have this woman complain to the chancellor that Ms. Quinn had stared at her unwantedly.

Where to Find Her: Call 413-545-1995

Position: Moscow Bureau Chief, The Washington Post

Crime: The worst journalist in Moscow. Purveyor of incessant lies about Russia in one of America's two papers of record. Said Vladimir Putin "enjoyed the traditional advantages of incumbency" in an election campaign which saw him control absolutely both Russian television networks and viciously slander his opponents. Wrote that the latest Chechen war occurred as the result of "miscues," not a clearly-organized plan by the Kremlin. Inaccurately wrote that the Chechens never told their side of the story about how the war started. In the years 1996-1998 was the most aggressive propagandist in support of the "Young Reformers." Bucktoothed and beady-eyed, a supremely ugly and vile-looking human specimen.

How You Might Get Him Fired or Arrested: Deliver evidence to the Russians that he is in the employ of the CIA. Send his editors a catalogue of his published inaccuracies.

Where To Find Him: David Hoffman c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington D.C., 20071

Position: Creator of Microsoft Word

Crime: That staggeringly annoying animated paper clip that pops up on your computer screen whenever you write the word "Dear," saying, "It looks like you're writing a letter. Do you need help?"

How to Have Him Arrested: Kill 15 people in a rampage murder, then name him as a co-conspirator by claiming the animated paper clip made you do it. People will sympathize

Where to send him harassing e-mail: richard@brodietech.com

Position: Famous Russian Movie Director

Crime: He represents the most vile streak in the Russian intelligentsia: it's complete abandonment of conscience and morality when offered a chance to cozy up with the Powers that Be, even if those powers are the very corrupt monsters that have impoverished and destroyed the Russia that Mikhalkov claims to suffer for. First, he ran on former prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin's NDR ticket in the 1995 Duma elections, and was awarded millions of budget dollars to help finance his sappy Titanic-a-bee film Barber of Siberia. Early last year, to promote the film, Mikhalkov stumped for Kazakh despot Nursultan Nazerbayev during his rigged presidential election campaign. When two members of Edward Limonov's National-Bolsheviks Party beaned Mikhalkov with eggs in protest over his support for Nazarbayev, the actor-director who won an Oscar for a film depicting the brutalities of the Soviet regime, had his personal bodyguards hold down the offending egg-throwers, and was filmed making running kicks on their heads. The boys were jailed in Butyrka Prison, where one of them caught tuberculosis. Just recently, Mikhalkov came out in support of Vladimir Putin's democracy-crushing regime, saying that the people had had enough vacillation, and that Putin is the man for his time and place.

How To Get Mikhalkov Arrested Or Fired: Have Oleg Lurye look into his financial dealings and offshore accounts; we'd be willing to bet that there's a reason beyond patriotism that Mikhalkov is so cozy with the most corrupt officials of all.

Where To Find Him: Go to the Cannes Film Festival - he never fails to show

Position: Head of Propst Co.

Crime: He invented the cubicle. That's right, folks. There's actually a focus, a locus, a genesis to Office Serfdom's most visible and humiliating symbol: the partition wall, the fuck-you cubicle that has inspired afternoon murder sprees from sea to iridescent sea. Cubicle partitions will, in 500 years' time, be judged with the same kind of shock and horror that we today feel when pondering the galley-slave ship. Propst's invention--which is traced to his 1968 manifesto "The Office: A Facility Based On Change", a catalogue of partitions and shelf-lined desks--was designed to increase efficiency and creativity in the workplace by promoting spontaneous meetings. Instead, it allowed office barons to transform open spaces that might have promoted too much employee interaction and leakage into numerous one-square-meter Dilbert-dungeons which partitioned human from human, an invention which maximized stress and alienation to the breaking pointóliterally. One can trace today's office-murder-sprees straight back to Propstís cubicle manifesto. Like the cotton gin, this was one invention whose goal wasn't really to make things easier on the slave, but rather, to goad the slave into attaining a higher level of efficiency at a minimal cost. The original cubicle company that Propst used to market his invention, Herman Miller, has since sold $6 billion in partitions; competitor Steelecase has sold $8 billion of the forehead-high, Dilbert-comics-friendly walls. One of the inefficient horrors that inspired Propst to invent the cubicle was his desire to eliminate what he termed "idiot salutations." In regular, linear offices of the pre-cubicle era, Propst complained, "Every time somebody goes by, you say, `Hello, Joe.'" By partitioning one Joe from the next, Propst rightly theorized, you could save the employer another five seconds of work efficiency, and squeeze the life out of every struggling white-collar shmuck. One could say that the increasingly alienated, non-interacting homo americanus began with this realization: that saying hello to your co-workers was a waste of time, nay, idiotic. Propst is still alive, folks. He's 77, but spunky, inventing new ways to make hotels even more depressing than they already are.

How To Get Him Arrested Or Fired: Class-action lawsuits filed by the relatives of victims of office massacres. Better yet, distribute his address to recently-fired white collar workers.

Where To Find Him: Since 1979, he and his wife have lived and worked on a 30-acre forested hillside above Lake Sammamish, WA, on the outskirts of Redmond.

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