Issue #24/79, December 12 - 26, 1999  

By Krazy Kino Kevin McElwee

Chapter 1
1 The Revelation of Jericho Cane (portrayed by the Blackenigger named Arnaud), which veteran hack director Peter Hyams gave unto him in the form of block-busting active-genre entertainment End of Days, to shew unto his faithful fans that all is well with Arnaud following heart surgery; and he sent and signified it via his publicist unto his servant, writer and co-producer Andrew W. Marlowe, who has a BA in literature from Columbia (1988) and a delightful head of sandy blond hair. 2 Who bare record of the word of Hyams ("Action!" "Cut!" "Croissants!"), and of the testimony of Arnaud ("Fuck you, asshole"), and of all things that he saw, except for that one mob hit downtown, for obvious reasons. 3 Yet restless and--possibly--disturbed is he that watcheth, and they that hear the saccharine chords of the prophecy's soundtrack, for included herein are such undesirable elements as goateed Kevin Pollak providing his peculiarly unfunny comic relief in a supporting role. 4 And all of which to be ably commented upon by one Krazy Kevin, who is neither Alpha nor Omega, neither first nor last, indeed, somewhere right smack dab in the middle; and who hath been raised primarily in Philadelphia and often passed by Smyrna en route to his grandparents' beachfront trailer park, yet who hath never been to any of Ephesus, Pergamos, Thyatira, Sardis, or Laodicea.

Chapter 2
1 And so a beast did rise up out of the East River, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. 2 Although, actually, it turns out maybe it was just Gabriel Byrne, blessed with the ability to spontaneously combust, piss gasoline, and seduce the wives of colleagues with a word. 3 Still, all is not rosy for Mr. Byrne, as he has only ever been in one good movie, Miller's Crossing. Everything else he has touched hath turned to shit... or else started out that way. 4 Besides, if you think it's fun to be Satan in Manhattan, then you've obviously never had the misfortune of hunting down your chosen bride only to find that she is a Brew-Jawed, pill-popping, typically sexually repressed American teen (Robin Tunney). Keeping in mind that you've been waiting for this fuck for 1,000 or maybe 2,000 years, depending on which of the movie's conflicting mythologies you accept as the truth. 5 Meanwhile, there's some tongue-less Obi-Wan priest named after a 13th-century Italian saint trying to gun you down. Sure you're invincible, but there's still the wardrobe to consider. 6 Since Pacino has already laid serious claim to this NY Devil territory, you're more or less left to play it Holden Caulfield style, and with a much less impressive bunch of 'hos to boot. 7 And still the critics worshipped the beast, saying, "Byrne is such a seductive and charismatic Antichrist," and "he flashes a lot of demonic charisma." Some described his accent suavely Brooklyn, while others insisted that, at times, it revealed a trace of his native Dublin. 8 Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, or The Man, or Gabriel Byrne, or whoever it is: for his number is Six hundred threescore and six. Although, it just may be that his number is actually Nine hundred four and a half score and nine--because Krazy Kevin was dreaming when he wrote this and saw the number upside down. 9 None of which really explains what happened to the first thousand years, but let's just move on before we miss the one pretty good action scene.

Chapter 3
1 So there's this scene where Arnaud (like all good movie Christ figures, wearing a black overcoat) is dangling from a helicopter on a cable, arm outstretched in barreling Earl Campbell fashion, chasing that Thomas Aquinas cat along a rooftop. 2 Anyway, that's the one action that looks pretty cool.

Chapter 4
1 Oddly enough, there shall be no mention of Chernobyl, which we all now know to be a great star that fell from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, upon the third part of the rivers. 2 And the third part of the waters became Chernobyl; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter. 3 Perhaps it's because this connection has already been elaborated rather effectively in Mike Leigh's Naked. 4 Or perhaps it's simply because the makers of End of Days are lazy and ineffectual.

Chapter 5
1 Notwithstanding I have a few things against that woman Brew-Jawed, which calleth of her desire to be "normal," to teach, and to become a soccer mom on Long Island. She would be better, however, to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols. 2 Not least of all because she has these not-quite erotic dreams (nightmares, she calls them) about getting "taken" and "made love to" by Satan, whom we already know to be Gabriel Byrne. 3 This is clearly no way for a young Christian to be acting, or thinking; therefore, we can readily assume that she is Jewish. 4 Regardless of her religious background, she definitely needs to take it easy with the pills.

Chapter 6
1 And what of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Are we to assume that Satan is also Jewish? Or at least pretending to be? 2 No, as far as I am aware, neither Al Pacino nor Gabriel Byrne is currently Jewish. 3 And he that hath an ear, let him hear what the Artist saith unto the churches. Not, as is commonly believed, an allusion to Blue Velvet. 4 Rather, just another stumbling block cast before the children of Israel. 5 Not unlike the doctrine of Nicolaipullogin, which thing I hate. 6 Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against thee with my sword in your mouth. 7 And he (Arnaud, Gabriel, Al, whoever) shall rule them with his rod of iron; shall they be broken to shivers, even as I received of my Father. 8 And you will give him your dark morning star, which is quite enough on that subject, I think.

Chapter 7
1 And I saw an angel come down from heaven, this angel being the closing credits... meaning--yes!--this stupid film is finally over. 2 And Gabriel Byrne was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, and Arnaud was able to dispose of the faux alcoholism and the sensitive action hero cliche of having lost both wife and daughter to some work-related tragedy. 3 But not before being crucified near Times Square. 4 Which just goes to show you that even the sanitized Giuliani New York still has some surprises in store. 5 Ultimately, however, impaling on a long sword (which is how End of Days actually ends, not to give anything away) is a much more effective way of killing yourself or someone else than crucifixion. 5 And so I left the theater--trying not to wonder how it was that Arnaud was able to defeat Satan using only his own force of will and weaponry available from a downtown security firm--and saw a great white throne. 6 At this point, I realized I had had to take a leak since the second scene. 7 And so I did take a leak, removing him that sat on the white throne, from whose face the look of distracted contentment soon disappeared. 8 And I flushed and the tidy-bowl sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. 9 Sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters... fucking liars. 10 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

Amen.