Issue #24/79, December 12 - 26, 1999  

KAOS IN CHAOS

Dear Editor
Having seen your entry in the club listings for Kaos unchanged since last Winter, I keep falling for the trap of thinking your listings are reliable and regularly updated, and wind up at the club to find it closed. Kaos has not opened its doors since the Spring. Or has something changed?

Nick

Dear Nick,
If you're lame enough to go to a techno club, you get what you deserve.

[sic] BISKIT

Sometimes you should just listen to your instincts.

A few months ago I stumbled across a link leading me to the exile. I loved it. You were bashing the war in Yugoslavia. I was also against it, though not for the same reasons you were. I didn't give a shit about Serbs, but I wanted at least someone from the west to buy it. This war was too easy for us. War should be ugly, and people on both sides should always die, otherwise why avoid it in the future...

Hey, get me. I'm talking over your heads aren't I? Never mind all that, that's not really why I'm writing anyway. No, I'm writing just to jack you losers around a little. Hey, It'll kill some time. Why not.

So I'm reading your rag on the web and I'm really getting into it. I'm reading and pumping my fists in the air saying: "Yeah, give em hell! You tell em. Whoever you guys are!" But somewhere in the back of my mind my instincts are tickling me, telling me "these guys aren't really cool. They're just a couple of anemic faggots, talking tough because they are on the net and 4000 miles away from the nearest ass kicking."

"No, no." My rational mind insists. "These guys are righteous! They're fighting the good fight!" Still, since ignorance is bliss, I figured I'd better not ever come back to your web site. I can't help but be disappointed. And so I didn't for months.

Then, just today, I made the mistake of ignoring my instincts. Somehow, you web address was still in my Netscape history list. So I selected it.

Big mistake.

Your Bradley stories are weak as hell. Where the fuck did you learn to write? Alabama? I've seen more coherent, well thought out ramblings in the unibomber's manifesto! I'll give you a hint, free of charge: find a theme, and get to it. From that pathetic piece of crap it's clear you hate Bradley... or New Hampshire... or guys in chicken suits... or... Well, clearly there's something you hate, I just can't quite tell what it is, because -- You couldn't write your way out of a wet paper bag.

But that's OK, this isn't a total loss. The next thing on the list was called Moscow Babylon. That's got to be pictures of local naked chicks, right? WRONG! It's another fucking Bradley article. It's SLIGHTLY better written, but certainly not above 5th grade level. No wonder you people moved. You'd never cut it in the States. My favorite part is how completely you both agree on everything. Come on, admit it. Your ass buddies aren't you?

Next came Dr. Limonov's article. Of course, I don't agree with it. Myself, I love party girls, and getting them knocked up is a real turn off. As long as I keep getting laid, I don't care if a few nations die off. All that aside, this is the best article in the whole rag. First of all this guy obviously isn't a native english speaker. So how come he writes so much better than the other two. There are errors, but they are forgivable, non-native speaker errors.

There's a topic (an idiotic, boring topic, but a topic nonetheless), a theme that is stuck to, and minimal rambling. All in all, I'd say fire the Yanks, and hire an all Russian staff. Or at least find Yanks who have high school diplomas.

But still, just because some disenfranchised malcontents can't tell a noun from a verb would not prompt me to waste ten minutes of my precious life by writing this. No, what prompted this was the picture! Yes, that photo of you being thrown out of the Bradley rally. I actually laughed so hard I fell out of my chair! Then when I tried to stand up, there it still was on my computer screen, and I hit the floor again. It was too much! Tell me the guy who writes (well tries to write, fumbles though I should say) those hard ass acting, bullshit feasts passing as commentary doesn't look like some generation X, black co-oping, Seattle grunge band reject. Please. Please tell me you're not trying to work that buzz cut with goatee look, that wasn't cool even when it was vogue -- and it hasn't been that for three years. You look like the lead singer for Limp Biskit! It's just too fucking rich! If your goal was to push the bile to the top of my throat... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

I'm... I'm sorry. I have to stop. It's like that joke that keeps you awake at night because you can't stop laughing. Stop! Make the picture go away! You're killing me with comedy!

But I will say one thing to make things easy for you. I looked at your sic page and know you do print letters like this. Since I doubt you have the stones to print this one, let me save you the embarrassment. Suddenly the exile seems way too limp dicked for me to ever come back to. Besides, my ribs can't take the laughter. If you want to pussy out and not print this one, feel free. I'll never see it anyway.

Michael Nash
Columbus, Ohio

Dear Mr. Nash,
Wow, that's a zinger! There's real venom and resentment there. However, like all letters to the editor from American nerds trying to pretend they don't really care, you blow your cover trying to convince us that you don't REALLY read our site and that you don't REALLY plan on reading this letter once we post it in sic. Which is to say, you're hidin' something there, Mikey. Come on, what is it? Share you pain with us, Mikey--share your unrecognized-talent, unfairness-of-the-world pain with us. Incidentally, Taibbi had the Limp Biskit goatee because he was trying to cover up a nasty herpes sore on his chin. You get that from kissing someone, Mikey. Not from writing long letters to the editor.

EAGER CUSTOMER

Mark Ames,
"Thought you'd be interested in this item at Amazon.com. Enjoy!" I see your comment in SIC, go to buy, and see its still not published. Even though it says it will be in Oct. 99 good to know now that its December. When's your crappy publisher telling you their releasing this? "Amazon.com Sales Rank: 558,622" Better Hussle. Maybe another RS feature?

-pat

Dear Pat,
Just buy the book and shuttup.

THE SCENT OF A SIMES

I would just like to thank you for the Dolan review of Dmitri Simes book. He's been a stink for years.

Genevra Gerhart

Dear Ms. Gerhart,
It's true, Simes is stinky. We think the source emanates from his beard. As for Dr. Dolan, you can start showing your appreciation for him by ordering his new book, "Poetic Occasion," from St. Martin's Press.

STARDUST CHENNORIES

Dear [sic]
As my all too brief stint in Moscow draws to an imminent close, may I take this opportunity to thank you, most sincerely, for publishing just one last time a column penned by Moscow's most prolific philanderer and erstwhile eXile star columnist, Johnny "The Chenster" Chen. For me, the timing of the article, appearing as it did in the last issue before I leave, was exquisite. Rarely has the world seen his kind and certainly Moscow will never again be graced with the presence of such a veritable leviathan of the written word and arch exponent of the quick dyev-induced wriggle. I'm only sorry that I didn't have the opportunity to meet the great man, but his legacy is legend and my admiration unbounded.

Chenster is El Duderino.

Yours missively, etc.,
Skinny Welsh Git

Dear Mr. Git,
While Chen is obviously flattered that someone finally has understood his art and his message to the world, there's really nothing more that he'd like than to get ahold of stronger protease inhibitor cocktails. They're, uh, for a friend of his...

((in-[SIC]-dentally))

Hang in there, Matt!! We need more substantive questions about the Presidential contenders. Even though I am no fan of "W", at least he made a substantive foreign-policy speech earlier this month(You would probably like parts of it). Like you, I have yet to see any real discussions about what Bill Bradley stands for (being an African American, I have sometimes caught 'flak' from some of the brothers and sisters when I ask them what they see in this tall white 'massa). This shows how the two-party system has long failed this country--we need to have good old-fashioned floggings of the Klintonista Kommie Symps, Bradley Buttheads and Harvardista forieign policyknow-it-alls led by the Buchanan Brigades.

Now, I do weight lift(Nautilus exclusively), so I do possess what would be considered a 'buff' bod. However, I am also a vegan(no meat, dairy or seafood; I also use cruelty free products); I am also a 'natural' lifter. You see, the problem is too many people in this country want to either 'pop a pill' or spend tens of thousands of dollars to achieve youthfulness w/o making any changes. Unfortunately, I think the same is happening in Russia where many women(and some men) are resorting to prostitution to survive. What I think is utterly disgusting is all these very well-educated women being forced into the sex trade whilst 'the only Superpower in the World' delivers homilies about the wonders of 'free markets' and 'democracy'.

Makes me very nauseous.

Did you know that Fat Boy visited Bulgaria last week? He patted the Bulgarians on the head and then he and Petar Stoyanov went to a Sofia jazz club(left unsaid was the fact that many Bulgarians opposed our Kosovo adventure and that seven wayward air-to-air missiles landed in Bulgaria). When I called my friend in Sofia, he was less than impressed with 'Bubba': he even asked me what we saw in 'Bill'.

I told him(in Russian) that I voted for a 'third party'. Unfortunately, our two-party system(and all of the money) tend to push every-thing towards blandness:(( Hey, there is always Jesse Ventura(governor of Minnesota); maybe you should interview him:)) I would be curious to know what his thoughts on foreign policy are:))

James Wade

Dear James,
Thank you (and we do mean thank you) for your extremely interesting (it excites our interest) letter praising :) our coverage of the Bradley event (which was held in Madison Square Garden). We're glad to hear (by that we mean, to read) that you've got a "buff bod" from all that Nautilus training-maybe all those 'muscles' will help you "break out" of all of those "extra" punctuation marks (including parenthesis) some day. "Our" Kompliments!

SAY AHHHH...

Dear [Sic],
Thank you for crystallizing the obvious: it's not about basketball. A month ago C-SPAN's "Road to the White House" followed Bradley as he walked house to house in New Hampshire. A man walked out and shook hands enthusiastically, pledged his support and then asked him an important question: "What is Walt Frazier up to these days?" I wanted to vomit. These people should not be allowed to vote, and Bradley should be ashamed of himself for using his basketball fame to harvest their votes. Wish more people would see your piece.

Susan
San Diego

Dear Susan,
Wish more people could see your snapper--at least, we want to see it. Please email us a .GIF or .JPEG file.

DICKY TRICK

Dear [Sic]
Poor Matt, I know just what you went through. I once got removed for heckling Nixon at a campaign rally in Dallas. There were Pom-Pom girls and football players, too. But it was before the time of the San Diego and Gore Chickens, so I felt even more alone, yet humiliated and proud. You are a patriotic American!

An Admirer........Tony Abdo

Dear Tony,
Sounds to us like you're just a tree-hugging hippie. Hope the cops gave you a good thrashing--the only language people like you understand is the language of violence.