Issue #26/51, November 5 - 18, 1998  

Hey, It's the Fanz!

In one of the greatest scandals to unfold in the annals of Moscow's turbulent 850-year history, a Russian-American expat, Esq., began an angry campaign against Fanza restaurant manager S.B. Karki for not comping him a free drink after a bill mixup in the exchange rate. Esq. admitted being impressed both with Fanza's food and portions, but, perhaps due to unknown domestic reasons, launched into a bitter public campaign whose threats even reached this editor's computer screen.

Mr. Karki, a veteran of Moscow's gourmet Chinese restaurants, sent this open letter of apology to Esq. (his real name will remain anonymous), and offered him a free meal for two. Esq. has since turned down that free meal, saying, rather righteously, "I pay for my food," and suggesting that Fanza donate $200 worth of "dry rice" and other foodstuffs to a local orphanage. In spite of Esq.'s intransigence, we hope to put the matter to rest by publishing Mr. Karki's letter. Folks, can't we all just get along... and eat?

Dear Editor
I would like to send an apology to the unknown guest who visited our restaurant and faced the unhelming problem of exchange rate in the computer. Sir, once again accept my sincere apology, nevertheless is was not intensely.

Sincerely Yours,
S.B. Karki
Restaurant Fanza
P.S. Looking forward to see you again at "Fanza."

Dear Mr. Karki,
You're really tuggin' our heartstrings, and we hope that even a hardened attorney like Esq. can find it in his heart to forgive. Meantime, er, can we take that free meal for ourselves if Esq. is too proud 'n pious to claim it?

Love Thy Oligarch

To The Mean-Spirited Ones
Your recent article on Russian oligarchs once again shows your superior American attitudes, always trying to prove that things American are better than things Russian. "Our oligarchs are good and theirs are bad" could easily have been a quote from the article. Why must you always prove yourselves to be like the "foreign consultants" you so often criticize? And why must you attack the so-called Russian oligarchs, labeling them criminals? Don't you think they have wives and children? It's bad enough that the oligarchs must constantly read the slanderous accusations against them. Just think how their wives and children must feel. No doubt Berezovsky's c*k*-head daughter was driven to drugs because of the terrible things she read about her father written by "journalists" like you. And what about those employees of USAID and the IMF? You blame them for every ill in Russia. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You must know that their families are certainly exposed to your words. Your journalistic abuses are causing children to feel shame thinking that their parents are somehow responsible for destroying a great nation. Shame, shame, shame. Repent now, the end is near you know.

Sincerely,
Concerned About Your Souls

Dear Concerned,
You were like, ironic and stuff? That's Eye-Roh-Knee, man. That's like, really clever, cuz, like, you meant the opposite of what you said? You know? Next time, whatever you do, don't call Berezovsky's daughter a c*k*head, alright? Just stick to your trademark Socratic wit, and we'll all be fine here.

Why Them, And Not Me?

Mr. Ames: many thanks for your MOST intersting insight concerning those fellas. AS a matter of fact, I asked anyone on the Johnson Russia List to send any information on HOW these people became so terribly wealthy in such a short time? Why they and not some others? After all, Gusinsky was just a theater administrator, Smolensky - as you said - was a small-time crook, Berezovsky was a mathematician, etc. WHY THEY? HOW? Why not someone else; "Ivanov, Petrov, Sidorov" as they say. Alas, noone offered any response to my querry. I am on the Board of Directors of the Congress of Russian Americans and am the Executive Director of its Washington Office and many of our members are simply lost in this forest of Whys and Hows. There are some of our people there, as well and doing well but nothing like those guys. Do you have any info to my questions?

Thanks. Ludmila Foster

Dear Ms. Foster,
The answer is that it's a Zionist conspiracy to weaken Russia and control international capital, and subjugate the Christian races so that short, balding Jewish men can marry tall, large-breasted Northern women. Do you have a better explanation?

One Step Dick-head Of You

Very clever, guys. With typical maddening foresight, you've one-upped us all again. Your "farewell" party - advertised as an innocent, good-will gesture to your much-abused readers - turned out to be just the thing to hood-wink most of us into staying.

By gathering together your core readership in all its American-ness, you successfully reminded us why we've remained in this city for so long: largely, to avoid each other.

What could have been a perfectly enjoyable evening in your emergency "Klub" was - shockingly - marred by the very people it was intended for. Artificial and saccharine women; starched-collared, nasal-voiced MBA jerks; thoroughly uninventive dress (we really all do look alike!); pitiful conversation; embarrassing and needless exibitionism; eerily insecure and communicatively-retarded adults; and overall complete social ineptitude.

And all this just a few days after I had bought my ticket home. The true calamity of American society is not, as Johnny Chen would have it, that Americans "don't know how to party" (i.e. drink irrespnosibly, throw around lots of money, and make big stinking asses of themselves), but that they are all so tragically uncreative.

Score one for the culturally myopic: the eXile gives credence to yet another nasty stereotype. Americans are boring, and the smarter ones - if they got anything out of last Friday's Krizis - will opt for indefinite unemployment in dreary Moscow rather than return to the bad conversation, lame humor, and painful non-fun that is, apparently, all that awaits them at home.

Congratulations, hook, line and sinker.

Still here,
A. Black

Dear Mr. Black,
One lesson in letter writing. At least try to pretend that it was spontaneously written, just in case you're not as cynical and clever as you might have thought. Look, trashing expats was so '97. We saw you at the party and we wanted to try to help you out because you were getting dissed by expatellas left and right. The thing is, you were sporting a fatty through your tight white slacks, and there was a tiny little drip on the tip that soaked through your pants, and that's pretty much why everyone stayed away. Don't worry, people will forget about it. Just try to wear darker slacks and thicker undies next time.

Less Sex, More Readers

Just wanted to say thanks for your journalistic efforts. As an American living here for two years, I look forward to each new edition. Your paper is informative and very much expresses the expatriot outlook, a Russia that the couch dwellers and "Sport Utility Vehicle" driving idiots back in the real world could never understand. Keep up the good work.

P.S. Maybe you could help me with this question...Why is it that the more beautiful the woman, the bigger the dork she's with? I'm really finding this to be more the norm here. This ratio is becoming more obvious during this crisis. It all can't be due to the dork being financially well off, can it?

Thanks again, Thomas Herdman

Dear Mr. Herdman,
Who's to say that you aren't the dork yourself? Ever thought of that, huh? Not that we hold it against you-we need dorks, they're the only ones with the time and patience to read our dork-drenched newspaper. In fact, our research points to an inverse relationship between young expats' sex lives and their ability to enjoy the eXile. If you're not a dork and you really are puzzled by the ancient dork-with-babe conundrum, which is as old as human civilization itself (cave paintings in the Pyrennes are said to express early man's anguish over losing their mates to cave-dorks from neighboring tribes), then we suggest you veer your eyes rightward and make that massage phone call. It's cheaper than a date, and afterwards, you'll feel no more ashamed of yourself than after reading an issue of the eXile.

Catcher In The [sic]

[...]Why is it that every cocksucker in your paper is a Jew?

At your service,
H8RED

Dear Mr. Red,
That two page rant was all pretty scary and stuff, and we're really sorry we had to cut it down to one pithy line, but listen, could you tell us where we might score some E-Z Slavic skank? The eXile's Plund'r Buggy is setting out for a big night on the town this weekend. We're packin' it full o' Jews, Japs, and rohypnol-laced Kool-Aid, and when this Plund'r Buggy starts a-rockin', don't come a-knockin' baby, yeah! Keep working that whole anger mojo you've got going. After all, you ain't "Red" fer nuthin', you zany skinhead nut, you!