Not to say that there hasn’t been some good news. At the very least we can now be sure that the Shit List is being circulated enough to have an impact of sorts around the world. We know this because we actually received an aggrieved letter from one of the list members-no. 3 villain Richard Brodie, who we credited with the unholy creation of “Clippy”, the violently annoying animated paper clip in the Microsoft Assistant program. In a letter headlined “Wow...I made #3!”, Brodie wrote us to protest his innocence:

“I’m impressed. Unfortunately I can’t take credit for Clippy... he arrived well after my time at Microsoft. I hope this doesn’t disqualify me...”

To prove that our justice could be fair as well as harsh, we responded to Brodie with what seemed to us an eminently reasonable compromise proposal:

“We’re willing to remove the fatwah on you, of course, but we need you to turn informant first and let us know who actually is responsible for Clippy. One word on that score and all the charges are dropped. Sincerely, the eXile.”

The door here was wide open for the eXile’s Third Most Wanted, but unfortunately, Brodie’s chummy, why-don’t-we-change-the-subject response fell short of being entirely satisfactory:

“Actually I have no idea who was on the Office Assistant team. So do you guys hang out in dark Moscow bars? I haven’t visited Russia yet but I want to. Any advice?”

The eXile will be creating a special investigative commission, one which will be given sweeping powers, to look into the Brodie case. As it stands, it’s too early to take him off the list. We’d like to, but... well, hell, anyone can say he’s innocent.

While Brodie will stay in his original place, one other list fugitive-Gen. Barry McCaffrey-will be moving up. For reasons detailed in his addendum warrant below, the vile McCaffrey as of this month will move from number nine all the way to number one on our Most Wanted list, supplanting cubicle inventor Bob Propst as the world’s Most Dangerous Man.

There are a few more names added to the list, and we include their warrants below. Periodically, the list will be updated and expanded. For newcomers to the eXile Most Wanted column, here’s a basic review of how the feature works. The eXile offers a reward of $1000 for information leading to the dismissal or arrest of anyone on the list. If they’re jailed or fired, and you had a hand in it, we pay. It’s that simple.

There is no other sure way to remove a person from the list. A signed statement or surrender or apology will be considered, but there are no guarantees here. As with life itself, there are no easy ways out. In any case, here is the expanded list:

Name: Ray Irani
Position: CEO of Occidental Petroleum

Crime: When Occidental announced its intention to drill for oil on the ancestral homeland of the U’Wa tribe in Colombia, all 5,000 members of the tribe threatened to commit suicide if the plans went ahead. Irani’s response? He filed a lawsuit in February against American protesters who were picketing his Los Angeles home-the CEO’s ancestral homeland, as it were— in reaction to he planned U’Wa drilling. Amazingly, even after the protests stopped following the issuance of a restraining order against the protesters from the group Amazon Watch, Irani did not drop the legal action. Instead, he asked the court to seek unspecified damages against the protesters for ‘’substantial emotional distress and interference with quiet enjoyment of real property rights.” There is no ruling on the case yet.

How to get him fired or arrested: Kick over the negro bellhop statuette on his front lawn, goading him into a prosecutable assault

Name: Gen. Barry McCaffrey (ret.)
Position: Civil-rights-gobbling Drug Czar

Crime: Post-cease fire massacres; use of White House resources to intimidate press. A few weeks ago, famed muckraker Seymour Hersh (the man who broke the My Lai massacre story) ran a cover story in the New Yorker alleging that Hersh, while an army General in the Gulf war, conspired to create a massacre on March 2, 1991, two days after the cease-fire. Hersh’s sources quoting McCaffrey saying, as he monitored the Iraqi retreat: we have to find a way to kill these bastards!”

About a month ago Hersh used his staffers in the White House (where he heads the Office of National Drug Control Policy) to send out faxes to some 30 human rights organizations, including Amnesty International, to ask for help in “dscrediting the New Yorker article.” He was not disciplined for this blatant misuse of government resources.

How to get rid of him: Legal means like the Hersh expose proving ineffective, conspire to get him to throw a punch at you-then run him over with a truck, riddle him with bullets from an Apache-mouted air cannon, and explode the remains with dynamite. That’s what he did in Iraq.

Where you can find him: 1600 Pensylvania Avenue. Look for the guy with all the bars on his shoulders

Name: Gloria Hamilton
Position: Principal, Greenbrier High School, Evans, GA

Crime: Suspended senior Michael Cameron for wearing a Pepsi t-shirt on “Coca-Cola Day”, an event in which kids were asked to wear Coke stuff in the hopes of soliciting a corporate sponsorship from the company.

What to do about her: Pull her toes off with pliars, eat them while she watches

Where you can find her: Call at (706) 650-6040

Name: Jodie Foster
Position: Scissors at night, barking orders by day

Crime: for managing to make moviestardom as earnest and dull as an Amherst-college sexual harassment memo, and showing the way to the ultimate lifeless life by combining Ivy-League stiffness, lesbian self-righteousness and cynical careerism in a single package.

How to Get Her Arrested or Fired: Release John Hinckley

Where You Can Direct Mr. Hinckley’s Taxi Upon His Release: First, to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase a pair of cheap .22 handguns, then put the drooling retard in a target training camp for several months. On the eve of the next Academy Awards ceremony, send Hinckley a forged letter from Jody claiming that the only reason she’s been a lesbian is because she can’t be with any other man besides him. Ask him to meet her at the awards ceremony, where Foster hopes they can unite together for eternity. Then pack Hinckley into the taxi, fully armed and with a comic book version of “Romeo And Juliet For Dummies”, and send him straight to Hollywood.