Issue #13/94, July 6 - 20, 2000  

While George Bush still refuses to say whether he would retain upon election either the Office of National Drug Control Policy or its ogrish leader, General Barry McCaffrey, McCaffrey himself has been making the most of the remining time he’s sure to have in the White House. The eXile’s #1 Most Wanted last week declared war on dietary supplements. In an announcement that made it possible to imagine kevlar-vested S.W.A.T. teams raiding Gold’s Gyms in the near future, McCaffrey declared his intention to label the protein androstenedione a steroid and have it banned from the United States.

The unregulated food additive, commonly called andro, became a big seller among mirror-fixated workout warriors a few years ago after it was revealed that baseball slugger Mark McGwire used the stuff during his record-setting 70 home-run season.

Now, the eXile’s no fan of steroids, which make your balls shrink and your heart too unstable to handle amphetamines. But McCaffrey’s approach to the andro problem caught our attention. “I’ve got to do something about andro,” he said in a speech to the Citizenship Through Sports Alliance. “I’ve got to get valid testing completed, and I bet that’s the way it comes out: that andro is a steroid.”

We like that; decide andro’s a steroid first, then do the testing to support your decision. Comments like this put McCaffrey’s feasability studies for things like the war in Colombia and funding for drug interdiction in perspective. We bet that’s the way it comes out: decide how much money you want, then do the study which makes the case for that much. In any case, McCaffrey stays at number 1, mainly because of the Colombia business, but also because of the andro issue.

The biggest jump in the ratings this week came on the part of Ray Irani, the CEO of Occidental Petroleum. It was Irani, eXile readers may recall, who first made our list when he sued protesters picketing his house for “interference with quiet enjoyment of real property rights”. The picketers were protesting Irani’s decision to continue drilling on the remaining tribal homelands of the Colombian U’Wa Indians, even after the entire tribe threatened to throw itself off a cliff in protest.

On this past Saturday, June 24, some 300 Colombian anti-riot police and soldiers made a surprise, early morning attack against 200 U’was who had been blockading a road near the town of Cubara in northeastern Colombia in an attemtpt to halt Occidental drilling. One tribesman suffered bullet wounds, and 28 others were seriously injured. The next morning, police raided the site again and detained some 70 tribesmen as “subversives”; at press time, they were still in jail.

Irani moves up here first because the Colombian police were clearly acting at the behest of Occidental and the U.S. government, and secondly because the U.S. just approved a $1.3 billion aid package to the Colombian government to prosecute the “drug war”. The $1.3 billion, of course, has nothing to do with oil, and nothing to do with beefing up counter-insurgency forces to help them remove troublesome minorities from their property. Meanwhile, the Washington Times reported last week that Vice President Al Gore-who campaigns as an “environmental” (i.e non-jungle-clearing, non- indigenous-people slaughtering) candidate— owns between $500,000 and $1 million in Occidental stock. For promoting a war and an incipient ethnic cleansing with the help of a sitting Vice President, Irani moves from #19 on our list all the way up to number 2. The McCaffrey-Irani duo, incidentally, is probably just the beginning; by the looks of things, the whole top 10 will be filled with Colombia people before long.

Meanwhile, Washinton Post opinion page editor and former Moscow bureau chief Fred Hiatt continued his steady climb up the ranks of international villainy. He did so with an impressively cynical Post editorial blasting human rights organizations for accusing the U.S. of war crimes in Kosovo. Commenting upon an incredible Jesse Helms-sponsored bill which would prohibit the commission of U.S. armed forces to battle unless its soldiers were given international immunity from war crimes prosecutions, Hiatt wrote: “[The bill’s] concerns for U.S. soldiers are far from delusional, despite Human Rights Watch’s scorn for the bill’s ‘scare tactics.’” Hiatt would have moved up three places to number 4 on our list, but his climb was mitigated by the Post’s recent decision to put Hiatt’s photgraph up on its website, allowing us to morph his head onto a gay porn still and publish it here. That softens things somewhat. Nonetheless, he moves up two spots, to number 5.

The eXile announces its public apology to Barbara, the winner of our Monica Lewinsky contest-we wrote that last entry last week while so severely drunk we had piss stains on our jeans. We’ll get you that trip to Greece. And you’re off our list. But there are a few newcomers, ones we feel pretty confident are deserving enough to stick around for a while:

Name: Craig Reed

Position: Administrator of the USDA’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service (APHIS)

Crime: Last week, Reed announced a plan that would allow irradiation as a substitute for currently-approved purification treatments of imported fruits and vegetables. If the plan goes through, Mexican oranges and grapefruits, Australian grapes, Spanish tomatoes, and just about every other non-organic food import might soon be subject to heavy doses of radiation-the APHIS plan mandates doses equivalent to 1.5 million chest X-rays-in order to get rid of fruit flies, weevils, and other pests. We’d take our chances eating the fruit flies

How to get him arrested or fired: Sneak into a nuclear plant and start pulling various funny-looking switches; leave his business card on the floor

Where to find him: U.S. tel. 301-734-3861

Name: Louis Caldera

Position: Secretary of the Army (U.S.)

Crime: Hired the massive Leo Burnett Advertising Agency, the same company which handles ads for McDonald’s, Delta Air Lines, Coca-Cola, Walt Disney and Nintendo, to handle marketing for the U.S. Army. The same people who brought you “Reach for the Stars” will now be sending teenagers to incinerate third-world farmers. Worse still, in a move which underscores the army’s new commitment to “efficient” and “media-savvy” marketing processes, the deal-which will likely earn Leo Burnett some $95 million in public money every year-will empower the army to bring in ebonics-fluent specialists to con minorities into enlisting. As the Burnett press release puts it: “The partnership with Leo Burnett will include two sub-contractors: Cartel Creativo, an independent, Hispanic-owned company specializing in strategic marketing communications with the Hispanic market; and IMAGES, USA, a full-service marketing communications firm specializing in African-American marketing.”

How to get him fired or arrested: Do ask and do tell

Where to find him: The fucking Pentagon.

Name: Frank Warren

Position: Mike Tyson’s promoter

Crime: Nagging Tyson about a $1 million jewelry bill, forcing Tyson to choke him and cause a scene. Can’t folk just leave Mike alone?

	#93	suspect	crime
#1	#1	General Barry McCaffrey	domestic, foreign war crimes
#2	#19	Ray Irani	destroys ancestral homelands
#3	#3	David Hoffman	Worst journalist in Moscow
#4	#4	Bob Propst	Created the cubicle
#5	#7	Fred Hiatt	Existing
#6	#6	Nikita Mikhalkov	Abusing his would-be-Hollywood powers
#7	#5	Viktor Pelevin	Bad writing
#8	#8	Mary Jane Quinn	sex-harrassment pioneer
#9	new	Louis Caldera	Disney-ization of th army
#10	#10	Joscha Fischer	Phenomenally hypocritical sellout
#11	#11	Gleb Pavlovsky	Pideras
#12	#12	Johannes Steinberg	Proselytizing the evils of Scandinavian furniture
#13	#13	Dan Lungren	Ordered raids of Cannabis Clubs
#14	#9	Edgardo Diaz	Promoter/Creator of Menudo
#15	new	Craig Reed	Nuking our food
#16	#16	Sandra Day O’Connor	Hands out ten years in prison for thinking out loud
#17	#17	Bill Burgess	Sponsor of “IPO Boot Camps”
#18	#24	Jeffery Sachs	destroyed Russia
#19	#23	Bruce Bean	Putin cheerleader
#20	#20	Trudy Sullivan	Promoting the “casual day” phenomenon
#21	#21	David Foster Wallace	Bad writing; abuse of the footnote; likes Pynchon
#22	#18	Robin Williams	Schlock merchant
#23	#28	Stanley Fischer	Helps to prolong Russia’s economic suffering
#24	new	Frank Warren	Bothering Mik Tyson
#25	#33	Steve Case	The Wal-Mart-ization of the Internet
#26	#14	Dr. Charles Cutler	Fixes Insurance Plans so as to screw Americans out
#27	#27	Robert Rhoads	Crushes unions
#28	#15	Sir John Brown	Evil globalization troll
#29	#25	Keith Erling Thompson	sells ads on PBS
#30	#30	Bruce Davis	Every Best Picture Oscar since Amadeus
#31	#31	Jackie O’Hare	Takes Federal bribes to run anti-drug stories
#32	#32	Seymour Topping	Almost every Pulitzer
#33	#33	Gloria Hamilton	Suspended student for wearing a Pepsi shirt
#34	#34	Dan Rather	Refused to air Amnesty Internatrional report
#35	#22	The Mystery Hacker	Stealing articles about the Kosovo war
#36	#29	Jodie Foster	Being stiff and dull
#37	#37	Andrew Heyward	subliminal advertiser
#38	#38	Andrei Shleifer	Remaining employed
#39	#39	Col. Cristopher St. John	Planted PSYOP interns at jobs at CNN and NPR
#40	#40	Bernard Kouchner	8,892 counts of fictional murder

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