Issue #04/59, February 25 - March 10, 1999  

A WITTY-EDGY LETTER

Dear eXile,
I'd like to say that, as soon as I picked up the latest Exile at the Dezhurnaya Chast' of my Zona out here near balmy Seimchan, I was delighted (yes we get about 4-5 copies of the Exile out here and have access to Internet) with the "Me Boris - You Screwed title. It describes my life so well. We're one of the 'reformed' prisons in Russia. The only problems are that we're limited to one computer for about 3,000 people feezing their asses off and the Exile usually ends up, after about a week, with so many skid marks on it that the text is illegible. One edition can last for about a week for my kamera (we're fortunate enough to have only 50 people in an area made for 30). Anyway, what I'm really writing about is the T-shirt. My last maika has disintigrated after becoming ridden with some khoiyoviy grib last summer, and I've been making due with pieces that I've sown together into a sort of tunic from some colleagues who died of hypothermia in the last Siberian blast.

In love (with the Exile) and despair (for my suffering hygeine)
Von' Pizdy

Dear Von',
You're a nut! Do you think it's possible that we could meet with you someday? Party with you? 'Cause there's nothing more we'd like to do than hang out and trade witty barbs with someone like you.

NO HEADLINE NECESSARY

Matt, Stuart, Mark,
I wanna be a bardarker reviewer for y'all, I can do a better job of covering the ho's night at the Duck or Papa Johns better than what stinkie Chen did. My only compensation is to be guest bartendar at the Duck on ladies night... cause I like the ratios of devs to guys. Before 9pm (if you dudes can swing that we got a deal. ok?)

thanks, lemme know,
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
It's clear you've got originality, pizzazz, and range. In fact, someone of your caliber could really take the eXile into the direction we'd like to go. Come by our offices so we can discuss it. Wear a bright cap with a bull's eye painted on the top, and stand under our 5th floor window.

STUART-ING IN PRATT JUICES

Dear eXile,
Bar-dak has become a pile of shit. Pratt has not only ruined bar-dak, his writting is painful and sucks the life out of the readers. It's like reading bar reviews written by my father. I don't want Pratt fired, I want him dead.

p.s. Has he mentioned he has a girlfriend lately?

Dear Anonymous,
Whoah there, fella, seems ol' Pratt's gotcha all worked up over nuthin'. We showed your letter to Pratt, who replied, "I feel sorry for whoever wrote this." Truth be told, we were planning on brutally firing him next issue, but if he's really this annoying, we may have to give him another chance.

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

Dear Mr. Ames,
This may be a ridiculous question, especially in the light of the tenor of the article on Johnson's list from which I got your e-mail address, but do you have any suggestions on how to get a job in Russia, or perhaps even with the eXile? Perhaps I should mention that by "job" I mean a Western-style, wages-in-dollars-not-chickens, no-need-to-carry-a-firearm occupation. I don't envy you or your staff there. Okay, actually, that's a lie -- I DO envy you and your staff there, why else would I be asking you about jobs? I would really appreciate it if you could take a second or two to personally write a "you've-got-to-be kidding" reply to my query, or even a serious message letting me know what you think. If nothing else, please know that I do enjoy reading the eXile.

Vsego nailuchego,
Todd Nelson

Dear Todd,
You seem like a decent fellow. Got the right mix of groveling admiration and self-deprecating modesty. No need for us to hurt you with a nasty reply. So we'll be frank, Todd. Fact is, we can't use you, they can't use you, no one can use you. Our advice: sit back, keep envying us, and buy our book when it comes out. Then envy us more, and buy another copy of our book. If we swing by your town on our publicity tour, we'll try to make sure we sign your copy. Hope that cheers you up.

THE HEART OF WHITNESS

Dear Editors
I read with morbid fascination your polemics. While I have to admit you are keen observers of the Moscow political scene, I have to wonder what made you this way. With your unique combination of outrageous politics and vituperative attacks on anyone who dares disagree with you, I am left wondering if you have not gone the way of Joseph Conrad's Col. Kurtz - that is:
1) Go abroad,
2) Go native,
3) Go insane.

The horror, the horror..... Cheers for an entertaining, if scatalogical, political publication.

Whit Trovillion
silverhorsefarm@msn.com

Dear Whit,
We were reading your letter, and then it hit us, like a diamond bullet. Your letter says nothing, and we have nothing to say in return.

VERBAL IMOVANE

Riddle me this, Ex-men
Has that feeling of success got you down? Getting uncomfortable with the hypocrisy of bitching about the "poor me's" and "oh the humanity" while receiving relative fame and fortune for the endeavor? Tired of trying to justify a bacchanalian, pre-apocalyptic lifestyle in a post-apocalyptic economy? At least you have the honesty to admit that your days of purposeful bitching are over in Russia, as you seem to have beaten all the metaphors, overdone the stories of political expose, glorified in the mayhem of violence and debaucherous sex. The shock value has run its course in this stint, and perhaps its time to think about getting into a bigger pond.

[...] Why not do the truly radical thing and become exiles in your own country? Being an exile of the mind, of the state of being, means living in this hypocritical country and exposing its flaws from first hand experience. [...] It's infinitely easier to point out the flaws and failings of a society that you are not native to, and therefore can never be truly a part of. It's also cowardly and ineffective to criticize the culture you're from, while maintaining a safe distance from the backlash of such criticism. By becoming exiles in your own country, you gain the respect and validity of sincerely wanting to change the problems that you feel are the downfall of this nation [...]

James Baldwin did his part of foreign criticism while expatriating himself in Paris. [...] Baldwin returned to partake in changing the culture he so abhorred. [...] Don't get me wrong, Ex-men, your writings have served significant purposes in the past. They're entertaining, vulgar and have taught me a lot about the greater problems in today's Russia as well as the way that true pricks operate in order to get laid (see every BarDak review).

[...] Our nation has become a cult of entertainment and social scandal. [...]

[...] So, keep up the good work of screwing more dyevs up the ass, combing ice-laden streets for the best in drugged up partying and doing repeat expose's about the political corruption of Russia's mafia controlled government. [...]

Good luck,
Hannah C. Kenny

Dear Hannah,
...Zzzzzzzzz... Huh? Oh, yeah, wow. That was intense. Judging by the looks of it, you've sent us what they call a "well thought-out" type of letter designed to really make us take a long, hard look at ourselves. You put your finger right on it. Deep down, we're cowards, unlike our mutual hero, James "The Swordswallower" Baldwin. They say that Baldwin was so fearless, he even allowed a pair of fancy lads to swordfight in his mouth without batting a lash. Darned brave of him to return home. Really shook up The Man, he did. But... where were we? Oh yeah. We were having an epipheny. Here goes: Your letter has left us speechless. And very, very bored.