Sam Kinison Explains Why The Discovery Of Jesus’ Nails Won’t Necessarily Make The Savior Jump For Joy

Fatwah / April 13, 2011

By Mark Ames

Some huckster in Israel claims to have found two old, corroded nails that were used to pin Jesus Christ on the crucifix 2,000 years ago. The huckster, a documentary filmmaker named Simcha Jacobovici, is using his “discovery” of Jesus’ nails to promote a “documentary” he’s putting out that targets the huge, highly gullible Christian Zionist demographic–a demographic whose insatiable demand for religious hoaxes is never matched by the hoax supply side of the curve–especially not hoaxes as clever as this one:

Which raises an important question: What would JC do? With those nails, I mean…

Sam Kinison, our special Jesus Correspondent from Hell, provides the answer:

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20 Comments

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1. Hamlet | April 13th, 2011 at 9:17 am
Don’t forget Bill Hicks.
2. SpiderJerusalem | April 13th, 2011 at 9:19 am
Nice post. Plus just let me say that any fucking idiot who tries posting a comment saying that he prefers Bill Hicks, please delete the fucking idiot and pray he gets cancer. Hicks was just Sam Kinison for middlebrows.
3. Lavrentij "Anarch99" Lemko | April 13th, 2011 at 9:55 am
I’d bet that this’ll give Pastor Haggee a hard-on faster than the thought of a schoolbus full of fresh-faced Zionist Christian ephebes!
4. exploitedtimes | April 13th, 2011 at 10:08 am
Yeah, Kinison was the shit. We need more maniacs like him. Good post. Rusty nails, that’s what this guy’s got?
5. Hamlet | April 13th, 2011 at 11:36 am
Here’s Bill Hicks in 1992, about 6 years after the Kinison routine you have up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxsGyljd6B0&t=143 – for your enjoyment 🙂
6. Fissile | April 13th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
If anyone does actually get to heaven, I have no doubts that it’s people like Kinison.
As for the Jews, their best “friends” in this world are “Christian Zionists”! If that isn’t proof of God collectively punishing the Jews, I don’t know what is.
Advice for Jews: If you are walking down the street and you have a gun with only one round of ammo, and you come upon a Christian Zionist and Hezbollah member, shoot the Christian Zionist and take your chances with the Hezbollah dude.
7. David | April 13th, 2011 at 12:42 pm
I am offended that you’d put such sacrilegious slander on your website, disparaging the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in such a way with your association with Sam Kinison.
Yeah, just kidding. We need to point out frauds like this “nails of jesus” guy wherever we see them.
8. Gustavo Arellano | April 13th, 2011 at 3:12 pm
Man, I miss Sam…
9. rick | April 13th, 2011 at 6:05 pm
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=930_1297404789
This guy’s the shit.
10. fred | April 13th, 2011 at 7:33 pm
The nails are a fraud because Jesus was never crucified. In fact he never lived in the first place, his life being a rehash of the Horus myth.
11. Soj | April 13th, 2011 at 8:22 pm
Wait a second. The guy Greenhut says that there is NO CHANCE that the nails are the same ones he found in 1992. So WTF? How many nails are there?
12. Lavrentij "Anarchy99" Lemko | April 13th, 2011 at 9:31 pm
@9 Nice one, with Braco. “It is so easy to join.”
Hagee on Beck: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOsYSwNrlBo
13. Fischbyne | April 14th, 2011 at 1:23 am
I don’t usually comment on comments, but fissile is funny.
14. SN | April 14th, 2011 at 6:23 am
Simcha Jacobovici’s tv show *Naked Archeologist* is vile likudnik zionist racism dressed up as edgy and cool archeology. He spends 1 minute interviewing a serious archeologist Like Israel Finkelstein or Neil Asher Silberman. Then he creates a lego-animation short put to Benny Hill style music in order to ridicule Finkelstein’s and Silbermann’s actual scholarly research. Once he is done ridiculing the logical and empirical archeology he then goes on to posit that The biblical account of ancient Palestine is exactly accurate. Racist Fuck. 600,000 runaway slave were moping around within a few miles of Egyptian military outposts for 40 years and managed to leave not a potsherd.
15. Josephus P. Franks | April 14th, 2011 at 8:27 am
Uh, Spidey, show me some cideo clip where Sam does political comedy, and I’ll consider him in the same class as Hicks. More than making a play on the Iran-Contra affair and then delving back into sex jokes. Sam’s great, don’t get me wrong, but c’mon.
16. darthfader | April 14th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Come on, finding relics in the Holy Land to fool Christians is a time-honored tradition.
You can’t really blame the guy for doing this or for profiting from it; hell, if I’d known it would work, I’d have tried it myself.
17. darthfader | April 14th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Also, I’d like to point out that while routines howling at George Bush over Iraq were suddenly relevant for a good five posthumous years, Bill Hicks sucked and always performed two- or three-joke routines that lasted an hour or more. He could’t end a joke and he never bothered to try as far as I an tell.
He proves that what separates the mediocre (like him) from the greats is that the latter allow themselves to be happy at least a small amount of the time.
Actually watch a live Bill Hicks show on DVD sometime. You will see people moving out of the rows caught on camera, en masse, once he enters minute eight of a given single joke and begins endlessly spluttering the same punchline for the 15th or 20th time. Those people didn’t leave because they were easily offended.
Kinison, on the other hand? I’m not a huge fan of his, to be honest, or anyone else of the “screeching harpy” school of comedy. What’s clear, though, is that he was better than my opinion of him. He could move people in their seats like Hicks never did.
18. Flatulissimo | April 14th, 2011 at 6:30 pm
“I could pay the Sam Kinison fans to kill the Bill Hicks fans.” – Jay Gould, 1896
19. Jesus | April 16th, 2011 at 11:30 pm
Dudes! NOT crucifix nails. Not at all. Get that idea out of your heads. They were, like, fuckin’ bronze toothpicks left over from the Last Supper. Dessert was Mott’s® prune juice and a nice Baked Alaska with some Ben & Jerry’s ‘nilla.
Иисус Христос! What ignorant fucks.
20. מלך הרוד | April 16th, 2011 at 11:33 pm
@19
ואתה, אדוני, הם הונאה.