Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: With one day left before the election, CNN chose as its microcosm of America-at-da-crossroads one Kevin Sheen, a whey-faced Irish-American idiot from the Midwest, who coyly offers his quandriness as an “undecided” voter.

Of course it’s obvious that Kev is going to vote for McCain, but he says he’s “still wrestling with moral issues” up there in his room at the family home. Stop wrestling, Kevin! You’re just giving your mother more sheets to wash! Kevin’s pose is simply a way to add drama to his celibate existence and terrorize the RNC with the thought that somewhere in Nebraska, a pale eunuch is hesitating before those Blueshirt reflexes kick in.

Statement of the Defense: God have mercy, to coin a phrase! There but for the grace of California go we. And as for this scrap of wasted plasm, punishment would be redundant.

Verdict: Amen. All glory and honor to California for ever and ever.

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