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The Daily Inquisition / September 19, 2008

Meerkat: Heresy; Elephant Shrew: Orthodox

Daily Inquisition: The Animals

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: A child believes in many creatures unworthy of its faith, like the Komodo Dragon, revealed on mature inspection to be a mere hypertrophied alligator lizard which kills with its Petri-dish saliva. At last the animist’s thwarted crush homes in on the first perky quasi-biped it can find on the Discovery Channel. Hence the Penguin Cult now in obscene fervor, and the overexposed Meekrat Cult. Those Kalahari sentry-weasels are the false deities of many a suburban brat.

Statement of the Defense: Are they more heretical than what that suburban brat hears in its mega-church every Sunday? We have long argued that the Church should dispense entirely with the services of those two hirsute Levantine gentlemen, Yahweh & Son, leaving them to the lost souls in the mall-Calvinist factory outlets, and merge with the Shia and the African animists to form a new cult, sharing Mary and the Holy Ghost with a host of animal saints. They need not be Penguin commuters or Meerkat careerists; let us canonize truly worthy creatures, the Elephant Shrew and the Fossa.

Response of the Grand Inquisitor: You know well that such a conflation is not within the DNA of this Church, which is, alas, the only Church available. Schopenhauer pointed out long ago that there is not one shred of compassion for the beasts in any of the Middle Eastern religions. It is simply not available; we will resurrect the Thylacine before we can squeeze animism from those desert-patriarch self-adoration societies.

Response of the Defense: The first step is, as I have said, abandoning those two longwinded gentlemen, Yahweh and his scion, to the Calvinists. Let Yahweh be retired to a bunker on the West Bank, well supplied with extra clips for his M-16; let his ever-imposed-upon son be given a partial scholarship to study massage in Portland, a city we have always thought would suit him well. Once the two men are abandoned, we are left with Mary, alone worthy of our veneration, and her familiar, the Holy Spirit. They are not men, and that is the main point. And remember, the Shia venerate Mary too. It is the Shia who are our hope.

Verdict: No verdict can be issued now; Continental Drift must carry us away from the Levant. These matters can be spoken of only briefly now. Once the American Calvinists have fallen far enough, the next step will come of itself.

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