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Fatwah / November 7, 2008
By Eileen Jones

Mass psychosis?

So by now you’ve probably heard something about this election that happened on Tuesday. There seemed to be a whole hoo-ha about it, people hugging and high-fiving in the streets, international rejoicing, everybody laughing and crying and gibbering. In an elated frenzy, a friend of mine e-mailed me marveling how great it is not to be living in Dumbfuckistan anymore.

That’s how I knew the whole thing must be phony, just the kind of tall tale a delusional nation might tell itself as it finally slipped over the edge into mass psychosis. So the story is we all got together, we the people, and elected the very best person running for president, did we? The one who didn’t look like an Orc? The apparently intelligent, seemingly decent one who talked in mellifluous complete sentences and appeared calm and reasonable? AND he’s black?

Suuuure we did.

So I figured we’d take a wait-and-see attitude on this one. But here it is Friday, and we have to admit, the story’s got legs. There hasn’t been a charge of corruption followed by a massive recount and then the Supreme Court steps in and the Orc wins again. There’s also been no revelation of a warp in the space-time continuum, meaning that it’s really Monday the 3rd and we still have to hold the election. Nobody’s even opted for the obvious, traditional move to shoot the black guy.

Even late returns from North Carolina appear to confirm the incredible story: America voted for Barack Obama.

Toto, I think we’re not in Dumbfuckistan anymore.

Not so fast, says Toto. Don’t forget that 46% of Americans still voted for John McCain. And you can still hear all over the place the Orcan grunts and squeals and howls about how this is not a mandate for the Democrats, and America is still a center-right nation, and losing the election is just a great opportunity for Orcs to regroup and come back stronger than ever.

Listen to Toto on this one.

Toto’s got a point. Our war against dumbfuckery in all its nasty, teeming squalor is a never-ending one. If, through a miracle, our side won the day in America on November 4th—and it appears this can be verified—we will allow ourselves one small, stoic smile (more a slight relaxation of the facial muscles than anything, really) before we resume the fight. Eternal vigilance is the only way. At least, that’s what Toto says.

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