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What You Should Hate / September 23, 2009
By Team eXiled


We got this letter today from reader Jack Reynolds, who suggested this VIP health care reform since after all it’s the super-wealthy who are driving the entire townhall mob anyway:

After much soul-searching, I’ve come up with a public option that Republicans can get behind. It’s called the Platinum Public Program (PPP), and it provides 100% coverage for the top 0.5% of income earners.

Though they can already afford the best healthcare in the world, that simply isn’t good enough. For instance, take your average $2M/yr hedge fund manager. Suppose he notices a tightening of his sinuses. If he went to the ER – as he Ought to – to try to head off any detrimentally costly sick days, you’ll be surprised to find out that even though he’s one of the lynchpins of our financial system, he’d still have to languish behind homeless people, brick-layers, cooks, and crying fucking babies. And all the while, other hedge fund managers are making the money that he should be making. He’s simply not there to help make the market perfect, and the market – nee, the World! – suffers.

I think it’s clear we need to improve healthcare for our very best, our top 0.5% of job-creating capitalists, who work so hard laying the golden eggs that we peons so often turn into shit omelettes. Those covered by PPP will enjoy the special privileges they deserve but are currently denied, including:

– Skipping to the front of the line at the ER.
– Skipping to the top of organ donor recipient queues (c/o Steve Jobs Amendment)
– Annual two-day vacations from being subject to traffic laws
– The option to compel everyone (who isn’t on the PPP) in a movie theater to don a surgical mask
– The legal right to bed a wife-to-be employee or a male employee’s bride before her wedding night

I know that you’re wondering, “Who is going to pay for this? It’s sure going to cost a lot. They’re going to over-utilize! This will cause significant psychological harm to the nation! Our workforce will destabilize, and crime will go up! What Godless monster thinks this shit up!”

All good points. But who really benefits here? You do. The healthier, more relaxed (hence the sex provision), and less stressed our top 0.5%of income earners are, the more they’ll be able to focus on creating jobs. Sure, they’ll make money while doing it. But the people who really benefit from this are the burgeoning class of the soon-to-be-employed. Thus, they ought be the ones to foot the bill. It’s only fair that the bottom 40% of income earners, starting with panhandlers who file with the IRS and social security recipients (welfare bums!!), incur a 10% income tax increase.

Surplus funds will be donated to Africa, because the AIDS epidemic becomes the biggest threat to our top 0.5%, what with all the fucking they’ll be up to on account of the PPP.

So, Jack, you wanna job? It comes with no health care benefits, and in fact, no wages, just the odd donation here and there. Which is still better than most people in the media world can say.

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Add your own

  • 1. YY  |  September 23rd, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    About the whole no pay thing, how come you guys don’t put AdSense or sponsored ads on the site to pay the bills?

  • 2. zip  |  September 24th, 2009 at 3:07 am

    ’cause someone bitched to google, and they get only “relieve flood victims” ads that don’t pay anything.
    i wonder why the guys here haven’t written something about that, the google “do no evil” motto had gone stale a long time ago

    now be a good chump and click on those at the, those still deliver.

  • 3. James  |  September 24th, 2009 at 4:19 am

    Because they aren’t scum.

  • 4. Lester Ness  |  September 24th, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    No faith healers? Don’t you know that the real plan is Oral Roberts, Benny Hinn, Creflo Dollar?

  • 5. John  |  September 25th, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    This brings up an interesting question. If I send you guys articles, will you consider them for publication on the site? I realize a byline on exile probably isn’t worth a whole lot, but you guys are consistently the best source of content on the web and I’d like to help out.

    I would donate but I have no money.

  • 6. Jack Reynolds  |  September 25th, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    Can I write about how Obama stays thin because he looks in the mirror and pukes his guts up every morning?

  • 7. Antonio B.  |  September 27th, 2009 at 9:08 am

    I have no worries, Jesus will heal me…

  • 8. MIKE CLAGGETT  |  December 26th, 2009 at 1:15 pm


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