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Gloats / March 1, 2012

“If you sit quietly at the edge of a river, eventually you will see the bodies of your enemies float by.”

—Mark “Chopper” Read

Last autumn, Andrew Breitbart picked a fight with me. Breitbart bragged to the world about how he was going to destroy me. Breitbart went after me on behalf of the Koch oligarchy, who’d launched a multimillion-dollar PR counter-offensive to smear journalists who investigated them, including Jane Mayer of the New Yorker. Breitbart got the contract on me, and he had no doubt in his little pea brained mind he was going to destroy me. Breitbart was so sure he was going to ruin me, he bragged about it to everyone. He even told a journalist to tell Taibbi, “Breitbart is about to destroy your former eXile partner Mark Ames.” He was gloating in-advance. Then the very morning he attacked me, I hit back. And he tucked tail and fled like a bitch.

Now Andrew Breitbart is dead. Gee, whod’ya think won that little war?

Tough question: Maybe we should ask Breitbart what he thinks. Oh shit, dang, turns out I can’t ask Breitbart. He’s, well—he’s not doing well, dealing with those “natural causes” and all.

Ah-HAH-HAH-HAH-HA! “I feeeeel good/ nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah/I knew that I would! So good! So fine!” Sh’mona!

You know, in the days before bloated West Hollywood trolls like Breitbart could claim macho warrior status merely by carrying someone else’s water and publishing someone else’s PR packages—back in the rugged old days, if a fascist pig picked a fight with a rival, the way they decided who won and who lost was pretty simple: The guy who died lost. The guy who lives, wins.

Gosh, I guess that means… I won.

Sucks to be you, Andrew. Not that the subject “you” or the verb “to be” in the present active tense applies to the decomposing lump of jelly formerly known as Breitbart or anything.

“Hey Mark Ames, Andrew Breitbart just got his sorry dead ass handed to him! Where’re you gonna go to celebrate?”

For some reason, my fellow Americans are too squeamish, too hooked on false pieties, to openly, honestly gloat about Breitbart’s hilarious death-by-driveway, and stomp joyfully on that rat-fucker’s warm grave. Even the few edgy mavericks willing to admit they’re happy to see Breitbart dead, including my old partner Taibbi, for some reason ruin their gloats by interjecting paragraph after paragraph, tweet after tweet publicly justifying their death-gloat with “He would want it this way” or “He did the same thing”—um, who really gives a fuck about what Breitbart would want? He’s dead. His feelers aren’t hurt. He’s dead and done. And good riddance.

Let’s be honest: Even when it comes to right-wing hit-men, Breitbart was never that good. Or even interesting. He was a desperate self-pitying hack, a second-rate McCarthyite, his spite fueled by thwarted celebrity ambition. Like Dennis Miller, another failure who found a second life as a Murdoch monkey after getting run out of the Monday Night Football booth as the worst failure in sports announcing history. Now Dennis Miller will never have to face the rigors of free-market comedy competition again; he’s now protected by the right-wing, so long as he carries their water.

Breitbart never even rated with a hack like Dennis Miller. He couldn’t act; he couldn’t write. He could only peddle pro-oligarchy hate with a convincing bloated-faced froth. He performed public executions, ordered by the oligarchs; in his Salieri-like little mind, he convinced himself his PR hit-jobs were performance art. I remember when the right-wing used to produce some really formidable hate-mongers, but Breitbart was a Little Leaguer who lucked into a decadent period on the Right. He only stood out in our time because the American Right is so degenerate and feeble. Breitbart knew it too. An old friend of mine who works in one of the NewsCorp outlets told me that just a few months ago, Breitbart was at the NewsCorp pub across from their mid-town New York headquarters, holding a beer, drunk and sweaty, loudly boasting, “The thing people don’t understand about me is—I’m a performance artist. You see? But people don’t get that about me, they totally misunderstand me. I’m a performance artist, everything I do is performance art.” My friend said it was painfully embarrassing to listen to, typical pampered pretentious Los Angeles male bimbo talk…but coming from Breitbart, you’d expect something more formidable.

So did I, frankly, when I knew he was coming after me. I expected a healthy, long, drag-em-down war with the fat fuck. But as soon as I responded to Breitbart’s attack on me, using his goggle-eyed waffengeek Joel B. Pollak (Harvard Law, ’99) as his mercenary–as soon as Breitbart saw I hit back, he snagglepussed away, exit stage left. The guys from Media Bistro were as surprised and disappointed as I was that Breitbart pussed out and fled at the first whiff of gunpowder.

Breitbart was not used to people fighting back. A classic coward. A bitch who couldn’t handle his drugs, or much of anything as it turns out. And a moron: His attack against me relied on a bitter anti-Semitic felon named Jim Goad, who was jailed for beating up his girlfriend, breaking her eye socket, and biting her thumb. Goad attacked her because she exposed online that Goad had a hair transplant, a nose job… and  she threatened to reveal “every secret in his past: his sexual history [which would explain the homophobia]…and that he wasn’t white trash at all.” See, Goad, like Breitbart, is also a performance artist, only he pretends he’s a Confederate hick. Goad fed Breitbart all of his hilarious smear-material about Johnny Chen, then for weeks trolled me by email and on the site bragging that my life was about to be destroyed.

The ex-girlfriend of Breitbart researcher Jim Goad

Yes folks, it’s really that pathetic and lowball comedy—so sad too, so much rank degeneracy in this late, dark stage of the once-impressive American Empire.

It’s as Gene Wolfe wrote: “The armies of this age are weak.”

But Breitbart wasn’t even an army. He was a malevolent troll, a blathering water balloon who popped at the first poke. He went down easier and quicker than Saddam’s army.

It is fitting that Breitbart’s father-in-law, Orson Bean, got the news first. Orson Bean was a victim of a Breitbart-like smear attack in the 1950s—a right-wing pro-corporate smear machine called AWARE, Inc! (a sort of Big Government of its day) smeared Breitbart’s father-in-law when he was elected to a top post in a union, the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists. Yes, Breitbart’s father-in-law was a union man. Was, anyway—then he was smeared as a “Communist” and was blacklisted from Hollywood, his career destroyed. It must have pained him to know that his daughter married the same sort of vermin that ruined his life. Maybe that’s why Orson Bean, late in life, became an anti-gay supporter of Prop 8. He must have enjoyed the news about the corpse on the sidewalk as much as the rest of us.

Andrew Breitbart went to war with me. I won. Breitbart lost.

Game over, Breitbart.

Excuse me while I take a victory dump on Andrew Breitbart’s memory.

 

Would you like to know more? Read Mark Ames’ account of the late Andrew Breitbart’s initial attack: “Andrew Breitbart Attacks Exiled Editor Mark Ames!…Hires Failed Teabag Republican To Investigate The Great ‘Who Is Johnny Chen?’ Conspiracy” and the follow-up: “Breitbart Hijinx Update! Ace Reporter Joel B. Pollak Knows What A Proxy Is!”. Also, read about Breitbart ace researchers and libertarian sleuths in “Jim Goad and Gavin McInnes Beg Mark Ames: ‘Answer Me, Please?'”

Mark Ames is the author of Going Postal: Rage, Murder and Rebellion from Reagan’s Workplaces to Clinton’s Columbine and co-author with Matt Taibbi of The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia.

Click the cover & buy the book!

 

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169 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. tt  |  March 6th, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    There is nothing to celebrate when winning on walkover. You should be sad that you missed thechance to beat him fair and square.

  • 2. Jim Choad  |  March 6th, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    @151 ahh, shut the fuck up you degenerate piece of shit.

    also, am i the only one who finds mark’s mouth-gape in the chicken dance shot oddly attractive?

  • 3. CORNBHOLIO  |  March 7th, 2012 at 10:06 am

    HEH-HEH YEAH YEAH YEAH JULIAN SANCHEZ YEAH YEAH HEH-HEH-HEH AWRRRWWTWTWTRRR

    I AM THE GREAT CONBHOLIO I NEED MORE INVECTIVE FOR MY ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE

    BUUUUUUUUUNGHOLE

    HEH-HEH YEAHYEAH JULIAN SANCHEZ YEAHYEAHYEAH AWRHRHHRHTHRHEHWHWHRHHEEHEHEHH

    TARD HEHEHEHEHEH

    CATO-TARD HEH-HEH YEAH EYAHYEAHYEGAHY AWWHHRHRHRHRW

  • 4. vortexgods  |  March 8th, 2012 at 7:48 am

    I notice that I don’t have a way to hurt you back so I guess I’ll just say, “I’m not worthy”

  • 5. DrunktankDan  |  March 8th, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Cornbholio showed up? It’s about fucking time we saw a beavis reference on this website. I guess we millenials have our BnB, and Mark and all them had Loony Tunes and shit like that, but the occasional shoutout to other generation’s slapstick cartoon heroes couldn’t hurt. Surely not, right?

    Uhhh Huh-huh-huh

  • 6. DrunktankDan  |  March 8th, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Also, what the fuck is with all of the Taibbi name dropping bullshit? Who needs that traitor when you got Yasha, a balls to the wall real life investigative/gonzo journalist? Anybody remember his prohibition/heroin piece? Or the gypsy/taxi one? Read up, ye shlubbs, for the future lies not with the careerist.

    Don’t get me wrong. For a mainstream writer, Matt is perfectly readable, in a “taking a shit at someone else’s house and they have a Rolling Stone magazine lying around” kind of way. But that is all he is. And I am not saying this as some kind of eXhole fanboy. Independent media needs to be supported, if for no other reason than because they can tell the truth. I cite the above article as a sterling example, vis a vis Taibbi. If you are broke and can’t pony up big chunks of dough, just subscribe. Treat it like a mini version of your health care bill.

  • 7. DrunktankDan  |  March 8th, 2012 at 8:49 am

    oops, should have read “health care bill*s*”

  • 8. CORNBHOLIO  |  March 8th, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    @155 dtd, obviously U need to read more eXile pdfs b\C
    im pretty sure AEC is alwasy talking about “big thingies” bye

  • 9. Amazing  |  March 8th, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    I am sure his innocent fatherless children will appreciate you blog. You are sick.

  • 10. Opium Eater  |  March 8th, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Jim Toad is just pissed off at the amount of dick he had to suck to survive prison.

    On the other hand, it prepared him well for sucking plenty of Koch when he got sprung from the slammer.

    Fake tuff guy Kochsucker Jim Toad needs the shit kicked out of him (again) so he can get back in line.

  • 11. Margo Adler  |  March 8th, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I just spent an entire hour reading this HILARIOUS obit and the comments. I loved every minute of it.

    The dirty chicken dance photo is funny funny funny too.

    I like the way that the eXile mod edits comments, too. They do a good job mercilessly mocking people and institutions I despise. I am a starving grad student, but I think that I am going to have to pony up a donation. I mean, look at all this great free content we get! Hatred of this caliber does not come along every day, you know?

  • 12. wengler  |  March 8th, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    I had forgotten all about Breitbart until I came here and felt great all over again.

  • 13. Matt  |  March 9th, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Great article! I’m glad someone had the balls to say “Fuck this guy” and leave out the “This is what he would have wanted.”

    I’m sure if he had his choice he would have wanted to not die in the first place. But who gives a fuck what he would have wanted.

    RIP Breitbart… (Rot In Prieces).

  • 14. Masha In Bel Air  |  March 10th, 2012 at 1:38 am

    hi, i’m a homophobe and I’ll never grow out of my weird homophobia

  • 15. DrunktankDan  |  March 11th, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    @159

    I am sure his innocent fatherless children will be stoked when they finally come of age and learn from the Exiled about the bullet they dodged when their hopeless, brainless, dickless, hideous, horrible, rotten, regressive, appalling, frightening, and ultimately COMPLETELY full of shit father fell on the sidewalk and went to hell.

    Fuck you.

    DtD

  • 16. Joe  |  March 12th, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Yes. Good riddance to a promoter of hate.

  • 17. al  |  March 13th, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Lets face it – I’m a nob on here jerking off to the death of a fucking blogger-twerp(with innocent family), a traiter to his class, who for fairly obvious reasons cannot respond or defend himself because his saggy flesh is currently being eaten by worms…meanwhile i stew in my pathetic bag-juice of my own miserable lives vicariously though the Exileds hilarious and edgy post..surprisingly only a couple of posts have been allowed which support this view..looking forward to the “witty” improvement of this post. i demand it.

  • 18. Opium Eater  |  May 22nd, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    I hear that Jim Toad is very concerned about the morality of Johnny Chen. Well, I am very concerned about the morality of professional asshole and fake tuff guy Jim Toad. Jim Toad counts as a very good friend one Peter Sotos, convicted kiddy porn fan and writer or artsy kiddy porn. He says so here ( http://www.raven1.net/mcf/hambone/jim-goad-interview.html). I wonder how professional asshole and fake tuff guy Jim Toad can be so worried about Johnny Chen when he counts as a close friend and inspiration a convicted kiddy porn fan and arty kiddy porn purveyor like Peter Sotos? Tell us Jim Toad! Inquiring minds want to know.

  • 19. Smig  |  October 21st, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    I have dreams that one day i might be breitbart…but you Ames are a god, you did win.


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