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Entertainment / Video Games / December 4, 2008

No really, their heads don’t fly off and there’s no blood, but if the fight scene I’m playing through were in a movie, I’d be fixin to get killed by a holy hand grenade. It’s like Bolt is a fist on an invisible arm, and he’s punching people in the face constantly with his whole body. It’s like when you make toys fight, and you just bang one into another in mid air constantly. Now a helicopter is attacking.

Dodging its Vulcan cannon is really easy. But as I run around avoiding it, I see the scene for what it is: A giant war helicopter firing Vulcan cannons at a puppy running for its life. Awesome! I immediately let myself get shot, imagining the puffs of hair, the blood, and the shreads of meat, but I just flinched because I have a magical shield of power. I am sure that if I let the chopper blast all the way through it, the black box of “You don’t want to see this, try again!” would pop up. More vodka please.

Killed the chopper by catching its missile then throwing it back. Meh. But then I interrogated a henchman by hitting him in the head with a piano. Dick Cheney would love this game!

Now I’m in Mexico. I guess. I hate this game, but I love being a puppy. Just in general. I like running around, looking happy. I’m not being ironic. Now the game commands me to ‘Jump’. How like life! I wish I could pee on things and fuck up some shoes.

So I just completely destroyed two bad guys, and now the game is like “Pretty good, but how well do you think you can handle….TWO MORE BAD GUYS!?”

I got Superbark! Wow, it blew away this huge door.

Heh, so I’m fighting a chopper and the game is like “Super bark missiles to turn them back at the chopper!” Well, I tried, and Bolt opened his mouth to bark, but a missile went right down his throat and killed his ass.

Okay, this time I did it. The little guy’s bark really is worse than his bite! GUFFAW

Another thing about this game – not only do the bad guys get beat up by a little girl and a puppy, their only weapons so far are long purple nails. Rowr!

Okay, that’s enough for you. But the sad life of a professional game reviewer continues. And remember: Be-awesome!

Read more: , , , Hank Pazzo, Entertainment, Video Games

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18 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Nestor  |  December 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm

    You could be digging ditches at 5 AM!

  • 2. Seryoga  |  December 4th, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    Yeah, you pussy, stop complaining.

  • 3. Baked Dr. Luny  |  December 4th, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    All you have to do is sell your soul, it’s a cheap and replenishable commodity.

  • 4. Tim  |  December 4th, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    Great website, I love the look of your blog. Any ideas you have to improve my site?

  • 5. Delfosse  |  December 5th, 2008 at 1:08 am

    It’s not “Montey Python”, it’s “Monty”.

    That being said, I realize I’m whiter and nerdier.

  • 6. Chris C  |  December 5th, 2008 at 3:04 am

    Good, but you need more serious commentary as opposed to just describing the crappy game.

    You should do this with porn as well

  • 7. Soloscarecrow  |  December 5th, 2008 at 4:08 am

    I Spit On Your Grave.

  • 8. wank  |  December 5th, 2008 at 5:56 am

    wanna trade jobs, dude?

  • 9. esch  |  December 5th, 2008 at 7:34 am

    by the way is there a link to the actual review of the game, would be fun to compare the 8.5 score and high praises (parsed with some careful critisism) the game recieved with the secret loathing the reviewer actually felt about the game. Hidden deep inside his dark mind, far away from the disney corporation owned boss who needs certain games hyped through the roof for the continuing advertisment profits

    btw you should check this site out for honest reviews, probably the author of this already knows about it and fantasises about doing something similar if he only could get through the censoring machine…

    http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation

  • 10. Scathing Review  |  December 5th, 2008 at 7:42 am

    I liked it. It manages to be jocular without spitting the loathsome bucket of bile and self pity that oozes from this vomit puddle of privileged criticism masquerading as something other than a collection of hackneyed liberal arts degrees with a monolithic sense of entitlement and the fear of going home and running daddy’s business. As for Gary, he isn’t exactly gospel, the fat fucker.
    This is the guys first article, be charitable.

  • 11. abelincoln  |  December 5th, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Hey Scathing Review, talking about bile…

  • 12. Scathing Review  |  December 5th, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    Oops! I must have forgotten about irony. Good catch!

  • 13. Hank  |  December 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    Damn, it is I Spit On Your Grave. Next time less vodak, more fact checking! (although I think pissing on graves is funnier)

  • 14. Soloscarecrow  |  December 5th, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    /agreed that I Piss On Your Grave is funnier

  • 15. esch  |  December 6th, 2008 at 8:39 am

    what the fuck is he talking about me? Well it’s good to know that not everyone reading this paper is an everyman and indeed some people are the kind of unhinged psychos you’d think the exile would attract. Keep working on your fucking Houllebeq diction or what the fuck ever you do and maybe someday you’ll be clever enough to impress somebody. Here’s a tip for free; go easy on the big words next time so you don’t end up looking like the “hackeneyed liberal arts degrees” you’re trying to insult. Jesus…

  • 16. Scathing Review  |  December 7th, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    Esch, i was not talking to or about you. I liked your post and your link was very interesting – thank you.

    I don’t KNOW why you took offense, the chronological order of the postings must have given you just cause to assume I was for some reason attacking you. In any case, it’s Michel Houellebecq and I am so very sorry I failed to impress you.

    You do have my sincere apologies as well as my promise than if in the future I do happen to post after you, my post will be filled with flattering praise and warm serenity – so as not to endanger your jugular vein, and the distension thereof.

    Scathingly Yours,

    Review

    P.S. – Thank you for your wonderful tip. I am sure you will be kindly rewarded by those closer to you. Perhaps even someone with a degree in French Literature?

  • 17. Palmer Eldritch  |  December 8th, 2008 at 1:21 am

    Esch, wile it’s not easy for me to put up with such fatheaded state-school grade abuse of language and image and McSweeneyeaque reek of townies’ gentry, I did feel compelled to give Scathing Review’s comment a second look because I was intrigued by his metaphor, broken though it was, and its gnarled contents.

    I believe that in his misguided attempt to frame his argument in his imitation of the clipped diction of a clever detective, or possibly in the closest approximation to Mark Ames that his empathic engine could conceive, it’s been left unclear what he was referring to, but I wanted to make sure you were aware that it wasn’t without merit.

    In order to appear jocular, we must admit that it is sometimes necessary to spit much bile and self-pity into a bucket, or to scoop up some vomit or something else equally loathsome in its place. Obviously, this review managed to be jocular without fulfilling this customary requirement.

    Since privileged criticism can masquerade as many things, we cannot ignore the possibility that a puddle of vomit used to fill a bucket and reinforce the idea that one is jocular may be privileged criticism posing as something other than what it is, as it does when it appears in the guise of a disgust for the idea of returning home and running one’s father’s business.

    Privileged criticism can also masquerade as some kind of hackneyed college degree, almost always in the liberal arts, and when it hides itself in the folds of the gay and multi-colored procession of liberal arts graduations and their processions down the street, which then after photo sessions often devolves into groups who get into rented limos, taxis and even, indeed, hackney coaches, in order to have lunch at some local restaurant, this gesture clearly indicates a monolithic sense of entitlement.

    Those who involve themselves in the pursuit of liberal arts degrees are always at risk of becoming hackneyed in a more metaphorical sense, as they devolve into privileged critics who live away from their city of birth, feel as if they are monolithically entitled not to work for their family’s business, families’ businesseses, or families’ business, or family’s businesses, if such thing exists, and could very well someday to be forced to masquerade as a puddle of vomit or something else other than a nepotism-averse holder of a degree that will soon be as obsolete as the blunderbuss.

    Those whose families have no businesses but pursue liberal arts degrees will likely feel monolithically entitled, regardless, to be perceived as jocular without throwing up into a bucket or indeed presenting any bucket or any loathesome substance of any kind.

    It is this guy’s first review, so let him go this time, but next time our man here with the dictionary can rightly expect proof positive of bile, vomit, self-pity, or something else loathesome if he wants us to think he is really a jocular guy.

  • 18. George  |  December 9th, 2008 at 10:53 am

    Little known fact: People’s proclivity to rant is boring.

    The more you know!


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