The gaming groundhog sticks his head from his hole, goes to Blockbuster and sees: F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin (360).

Most people associate F.E.A.R. with Alma, the creepy little girl who gets bloody footprints everywhere and sets shit on fire. But F.E.A.R. is really about one thing: slow motion head-shot porn. I probably won’t cover this quickly approaching game, but if I did, the article would probably go something like: (more…)

The new games on shelves this week are:

Burnout Paradise for the (PC) - reheated leftovers.

Ultimate Shooting Collection (Wii) - Extremely Unimpressive Unleashed!

And…

My World My Way (DS) - In this Japanese Pouting Sim, you play a little girl named Elise. You are infatuated with the Prince of Happiness, but he is uninterested due to your lack of experience (read: a penis). So you, being a powerful pouter, venture out into the world to get experienced (read that however you want). This actually sounds pretty good. I might have covered this if I hadn’t already rented: METAL GEAR SOLID 4: GUNS OF THE PATRIOTS! (more…)

You might wonder why I’m covering Cabela’s Trophy Bucks for the Nintendo Wii, an unheralded game that came out last June. Well, I’ll tell you. I was recently laid off, so I took a trip to the local Blockbuster to see which game would offer the most to an aging, half naked man sitting on his couch in the dark with a huge bowl of cereal on his paunch and tear stains on his face. (more…)

Editor’s note: This professional video game reviewer works in a cubicle labyrinth at one of the biggest video game magazines in the world. He is forced to review video games nine hours a day, five days a week. This is a look at what goes through a reviewer’s mind when he’s reviewing kids games.

The Cover: Here we have a white dog with a saucy look on his face like he’s about to fuck your shoe. And he has a black bolt on his shoulder. He must be Bolt! He looks like Patton Oswald covered in hair. There’s also a little androgynous sheboy running up behind him with what looks like a rectal thermometer for super dogs. But it’s probably something lame. (more…)