Issue #12/93, June 22 - July 6, 2000 
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Greetings, eXholes! Well, sorry to say, we haven’t had too much movement on the Shit List this week. Barry McCaffrey is still running things at the ONDCP, David Eggers’s book is still sitting, un-self-destructed, on our shelves, and Richard Brodie, the inventor of Microsoft Word, continues to refuse to fink on the Microsoft Assistant team. Nonetheless, we’ve had to add some new names to the list. Unfortunately, two of them are famous-but there was nothing anybody could do about that. Even the well-known sometimes commit crimes that need to be brought to light by intrepid defenders of justice such as us.
For those of you unfamiliar with the eXile Shit List, it works as follows. Everyone who makes it onto this list is worth $1000 to us, if he is ultimately arrested or fired. If you can find a way to get Barry McCaffrey out of the White House (and voting for George W. doesn’t count), or get Ray Irani yanked from the Occidental board, we’’ll pay you a grand. It’s that simple.
In any case, here’s the new indictments to add to our list. Below, we present the updated Shit List. As before, McCaffrey is our Most Wanted man of the week.
Name: Barbara
Position: Winner of eXile “Miss Monica Lewinsky” contest
Crime: Continually calling us and bugging us for those tickets to Greece we promised her. We don’t have time to deal with it, and she just keeps fucking calling.
What to do about her: Call her up and break the bad news
Where to reach her: 936-7932. Call until noon, or after 9 p.m.
Name: Dan Rather
Position: CBS News Anchor
Crime: Last year, during the war in Kosovo, Rather told a reporter from the Freedom and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR) group that “if our government engages in war crimes, it’s at least as important, and I would agree with you more important, that we report the war crime.” When Husseini asked whether there would be room on the CBS Evening News for a guest to express the opinion that NATO had committed war crimes during their bombing of Serbia, Rather replied: “I do have a different view, but I never rule out the possibility that the other fellow is right. And you may be right about this.” Yet just last week, when Amnesty International released a report which concluded that the U.S. had committed war crimes in Kosovo, CBS News-and Rather-joined most of the American press corps in declining to publish the results of the report.
How to get him fired or arrested: Beat him up in an alley, and ask him what the frequency is
Name: The Los Angeles Lakers
Position: Soulless sports team
Crime: Imposing simultaneously ruthless and laid-back Los Angeles ethos on the world. Failing to hit free throws. Buying a championship; why is it that the Yankees, 49ers, and Lakers never have cap problems, while the Warriors, Tigers, and Bengals always do? Zen-Buddhist coach Phil Jackson forced team to sit in dark room listening to drum beats for four hours following game 4 loss to Kings; drum beats sure to be part of every Los Angeles motivational business seminar for years to come. Each time Jackson publicly complained about zone defenses in the playoffs, the number of illegal defense calls against Laker opponents rose-despite the fact that Shaquille O’Neal routinely stands in the lane covering no one at all. O’Neal, for his part, actually called a press conference to announce his conversion to the preposterous new nickname, “The Big Aristotle”; meanwhile, in game 2 against the Pacers, he missed 23 free throws, ensuring another 10 years of “Hack-a-Shaq” defenses. After winning the championship, O’Neal did what no other member of the striking Screen Actors’ Guild, including Tiger Woods, would do-an “I’m going to Disneyland!” ad. Screen Actors’ Guild members are boycotting for the right to collect royalties per advertisement, as opposed to receiving flat fees; O’Neal is one of the few celebrities to break the boycott. By the way, the Pacers should have been out in five, maximum.
How to Get Rid of Them: Nuke the San Andreas fault. Move the free-throw line back a foot. Trade Dikembe Mutumbo to the Suns.
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#92 |
suspect | crime |
| #1 | #1 | General Barry McCaffrey | domestic, foreign war crimes |
| #2 | #2 | Bob Propst | Created the cubicle |
| #3 | #3 | David Hoffman | Worst journalist in Moscow |
| #4 | #4 | Richard Brodie | refusal to cooperate |
| #5 | #5 | Viktor Pelevin | Bad writing |
| #6 | #6 | Nikita Mikhalkov | Abusing his would-be-Hollywood powers |
| #7 | #7 | Fred Hiatt | Existing |
| #8 | #8 | Mary Jane Quinn | sex-harrassment pioneer |
| #9 | #9 | Edgardo Diaz | Promoter/Creator of Menudo |
| #10 | #10 | Joscha Fischer | Phenomenally hypocritical sellout |
| #11 | #11 | Gleb Pavlovsky | Pideras |
| #12 | #12 | Johannes Steinberg | Proselytizing the evils of Scandinavian furniture |
| #13 | #13 | Dan Lungren | Ordered raids of Cannabis Clubs |
| #14 | #14 | Dr. Charles Cutler | Fixes Insurance Plans so as to screw Americans out |
| #15 | #15 | Sir John Brown | Evil globalization troll |
| #16 | #16 | Sandra Day O'Connor | Hands out ten years in prison for thinking out loud |
| #17 | #17 | Bill Burgess | Sponsor of "IPO Boot Camps" |
| #18 | #18 | Robin Williams | Schlock merchant |
| #19 | new | Ray Irani | destroys ancestral homelands |
| #20 | #20 | Trudy Sullivan | Promoting the "casual day" phenomenon |
| #21 | #21 | David Foster Wallace | Bad writing; abuse of the footnote; likes Pynchon |
| #22 | #22 | The Mystery Hacker | Stealing articles about the Kosovo war |
| #23 | #23 | Bruce Bean | Putin cheerleader |
| #24 | #24 | Jeffery Sachs | destroyed Russia |
| #25 | #25 | Keith Erling Thompson | sells ads on PBS |
| #26 | new | Barbara | keeps fucking calling |
| #27 | #27 | Robert Rhoads | Crushed unions |
| #28 | #28 | Stanley Fischer | Helps to prolong Russia's economic suffering |
| #29 | new | Jodie Foster | Being stiff and dull |
| #30 | #30 | Bruce Davis | Every Best Picture Oscar since Amadeus |
| #31 | #31 | Jackie O'Hare | Takes Federal bribes to run anti-drug stories |
| #32 | #32 | Seymour Topping | Almost every Pulitzer |
| #33 | #33 | Gloria Hamilton | Suspended student for wearing a Pepsi shirt |
| #34 | new | Dan Rather | Refused to air Amnest Internatrional report |
| #35 | #33 | Steve Case | The Wal-Mart-ization of the Internet |
| #36 | new | The Los Angeles Lakers | Bricks; leaving Pacers alive after 5 |
| #37 | #37 | Andrew Heyward | subliminal advertiser |
| #38 | #38 | Andrei Shleifer | Remaining employed |
| #39 | #39 | Col. Cristopher St. John | Planted PSYOP interns at jobs at CNN and NPR |
| #40 | #40 | Bernard Kouchner | 8,892 counts of fictional murder |
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