Let’s see how well you know your military history. Give the date and place of this comminique:

“Our Victorious Forces Liberate Zalambessa!!

Our victorious and heroic air and ground forces have liberated the town of Zalambessa after completely annihilating the enemy army which was on the verge of collapse yesterday. Our valiant forces raised the flag over Zalambessa town at midnight. Yesterday, the Irob and Egala areas were already liberated.” (more…)

They asked me to think about how war would change over the next 150 years for the eXile’s anniversary issue. Weird to think about it: wars going on when you’re dead. My doctor told me it’s maybe 15 more years for me…I’ve got every cardiovascular symptom you get when you’re fat and bitter and pretty much hate life. So whatever happens, I won’t have to worry. I kinda like that. It’d be nice to think that all you fuckers’ll just wipe each other out. Serve you all right.

More expensive bluff stuff
rusting in the rain

(more…)

Last column I asked readers to suggest wars that’d be more fun for the US to get involved in than Colombia. I got some great answers — and thanks everybody who wrote in — but when I looked into the options they suggested, I just got depressed. Because I realized that we’re not going to do any of these cool military adventures — and even if we did, it’d be for all the wrong reasons. (more…)

Every day America gets deeper into the shit in Colombia. We’re dumping planeloads of cash on the Colombian army — $1.5 billion is what Rumsfeld’ll admit, so you gotta assume it’s more like ten billion with the rest squeezed through the usual CIA laundries. Colombia’s got this new gung-ho president Uribe, and he says he’s gonna ratchet up the war against the rebels, which makes Bush and Ashcroft and the DEA real happy.

The big rebel group, FARC, have this “bring it on” attitude too. They’re always on the lookout for new ways to kill people. They even hired three ex-IRA guys to show’em how to make remote-launched mortars, and learned so fast they damn near blasted el Presidente right off the platform at his own inauguration. (more…)

This year’s Oscar for best military comedy has to go to the island-claiming “war” between those great military powers, Spain and Morocco. It was a sidesplitter from beginning to end. Just imagine the battle of Iwo Jima turned into a Muppet movie, or the Bill Murray character in Caddyshack hitting Omaha Beach. (more…)

Waiting for Dubya and his Texas cronies to decide whether to hit Iraq is like waiting for Christ. It’s so goddamn slow, and you start kinda doubting it’s gonna happen at all. American tv reminds me of Sunday school teachers talking about the coming of Christ, with all the little reporters trying to get themselves shown with a mike in front of an F-16 taking off, asking, “When will the invasion come — if it comes at all?”

Burning oil and dying birds: all the Iraqi army is good for.

(more…)

What’s a Chechen? It sounds like the start of a joke, but there’s no punchline. I’m supposed to write about the war in Chechnya this issue, but…the war itself is kind of interesting, but something’s missing. Maybe you don’t realize it over in Moscow, but nobody in the US cares about Chechnya. At all. Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time writing about it.

— No, it’s sort of more complicated than that, because not caring should make it easier to be a war fan. I probably wouldn’t even want to write about wars where people I care about were getting killed, so maybe it’s better not to care. (more…)