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(Articles sorted by the date they were added to The eXiled archives, not their original publish dates.)

This article was first published on November 21, 2007 in The eXile.

It was just after 1 a.m. on Monday morning when I pulled my rental car up to my apartment building. I’d just spent the last 48 hours working as a private taxi driver, during which I clocked 30 hours and 450 miles on Moscow’s impossible streets. I felt like total shit. I had barely slept over those 48 hours, subsisting on Coke, gum, tobacco, Snickers bars, and my meds.

I had carpal tunnel cramps in my right hand from jerking the stick shift in my rental; my left calf had long since gone numb from straining on the clutch.

(more…)

Posted on: November 21st, 2007 | Comments Off

War Nerd: Glory to The French

The notion that the French are cowards is total bullshit, and anybody who knows anything about European military history knows damn well that over the past thousand years, the French have the most glorious military history in Europe, maybe the world.

Posted on: July 4th, 2014 | Comments (9)

Escape From Crimea: An Ethnic Russian Journalist’s Flight From Ukraine

For the past six years I’ve been a journalist. Last year I was brought up on criminal charges by a Ukrainian court, convicted and sentenced to two years in prison. All I did was write a few words about the truth, which unfortunately later on I was unable to prove.

Posted on: June 11th, 2014 | Comments (12)

Anne Applebaum, Professional Mourner

The crimes of history are optional. We mix, match and discard according to taste and convenience. It’s useful for Applebaum’s Tory backers to remember Stalin’s crimes because they can still use them to bash anyone who might want to beef up the National Health system with higher taxes. “Today an extra 1% VAT on my Jag convertible, tomorrow Kolyma!” is a very familiar war cry from these crusaders for human rights.

Posted on: December 19th, 2013 | Comments (12)

Ukraine: The Gogolean Bordello

But there is not any “final” thing in politics, least of all in Ukrainian politics, or Eastern European politics in general. The keys to understanding today’s political landscape in Ukraine can be found not in the European Enlightenment philosophy of the 18th century, or the Russian political discourse of “slavophiles” vs. “westernizers” of the 19th century. Instead, one should reach back to the genius of the Ukrainian soul revealed some 150 years ago by Nikolai Gogol.

Posted on: December 14th, 2013 | Comments (6)

Donetsk Paper Fascists: Protest & Track Suits In Yanukovych’s Hometown

Donetsk is a fascist city. I’m not using this term in the cheap way that it gets bandied around at a dinner table discussion between Republicans and Democrats. Donetsk actually is fascist. There is one party, people get beaten for opposition views, information is controlled, nationalist sentiment is enflamed with insane rhetoric about America/NATO plots to enslave Ukraine, and fear is the main motivating factor.

Posted on: December 2nd, 2013 | Comments (7)

Books That Was in Nam

Vietnam, a war characterized by thousands of small skirmishes, was richer in incident and gore than an inner-city basketball tournament. When next you hear that rough voice asking, “War — what is it good for?”, you tell it: “First-person memoirs, that’s what!”

Posted on: November 30th, 2013 | Comments (1)

Exterminate The Men: Honoring Andrea Dworkin, A Feminist Who Meant It and Paid

The recent death of Andrea Dworkin didn’t even make the small print news in Russia. Feminism, at least the feminism of the kind Westerners take for granted, never caught on. Patronizing Westerners often see that as a sign that Russians…

Posted on: September 14th, 2013 | Comments (24)

Paraguay: A Brief History Of National Suicide

THE STORY OF HOW PARAGUAY WENT FROM A WANNABE PRUSSIA TO THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD OF SOUTH AMERICA

Posted on: August 14th, 2013 | Comments (18)

The Last Puppet Show: An Eyewitness Account Of The Anti-I.M.F Protests In Washington D.C., April, 2000

This article was first published in The eXile on April 27, 2000. The nonviolent teach-in at a church in Colombia Heights just begged to be sneered at. You couldn’t help it. Here in the church basement, hundreds of protest-eager students…

Posted on: September 5th, 2010 | Comments (8)

Mark Ames Interviews Mark E. Smith

Exile editor Mark Ames exposes a rare fawning side while interviewing his lyrical hero, Mark E. Smith of The Fall, while Smith, who is notorious for abusing journalists (even reportedly putting a cigarette out in the eyeball of one Brit journo), reveals a charming, disarming side.

Posted on: May 4th, 2013 | Comments (3)

Burn, Malibu, Burn! — Fire: The Most Effective, Underused Weapon in the World

This article was first published in The eXile on November 5, 2007 FRESNO, CA — By the time you finish this column you will be able to destroy huge buildings, kill hundreds of people in a few minutes, and strike terror…

Posted on: May 3rd, 2013 | Comments (9)

How To Spot A Chechen

This article was first published in The eXile on August 10, 2007. I am one of 100,000 Chechens in Moscow. There are another 30,000 Ingush living here. Together, we belong to the “Vainakh” ethnolinguistic group and make up roughly one…

Posted on: April 19th, 2013 | Comments (33)

The Bleak House: Meet The Children Of The Solnyshko Orphanage

This article was first published in The eXile on January 22, 2003 Dima’s eyes lit up when he first saw the Solnyshko orphanage’s toy collection two months ago. He had never seen anything like it. It took me a few…

Posted on: April 16th, 2013 | Comments (3)

Georgia In The Crunch

This article first appeared in The eXile on November 11, 2003 TBILISI, GEORGIA – If you want to understand what’s really going on beneath the current election crisis in the former Soviet republic of Georgia — a struggle that threatens…

Posted on: April 16th, 2013 | Leave Comment

Edward Limonov: “Boris Berezovsky In All His Glory of Political Refugee”

This article was first published in The eXile on September 18, 2003 On September 11, Great Britain have accorded political asylum to the most notorious refugee from Russia: to Boris Abramovich Berezovsky. I never met him personally. Once, in 1990s,…

Posted on: March 23rd, 2013 | Comments (17)

Driving Russia’s Dangerous Roads: Risking life and limb on Russia’s decrepit highway system

This article was first published by The eXile in March 2008 Two weeks ago I sat in a GAI patrol car drinking whiskey with an on-duty traffic cop. The pudgy officer had flagged down my friend’s Nissan for a routine “document…

Posted on: March 10th, 2008 | Leave Comment

Adderall Tips: How to Convince Your Shrink You Have ADD/ADHD

Currently, there are somewhere between 5 and 7 million children in America diagnosed with ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. Some of them have been fed small doses of amphetamine since they four or five years old. And that’s freaking out…

Posted on: June 29th, 2006 | Comments (215)

Ames Was Right Again: Obama Was A Boring Technocrat In 2008 Debates, But You Were Too Stupid To Notice

You poor Obamabots only just discovered a few nights ago what a crushingly dull technocrat Barack Obama is—but you’re still making the mistake of assuming that his snoozer performance against Mitt Romney during Wednesday’s debate was some sort of aberration….

Posted on: October 6th, 2012 | Comments (27)

W. H. Auden: The Worst Famous Poet Of The 20th Century

Auden is the worst famous poet of the 20th century. He simply cannot write a decent line, let alone a decent poem. Some of his very worst poems are among those “classics” found in every anthology of Modern poetry. They’ll…

Posted on: August 28th, 2012 | Comments (53)

How Pussy Riot Troupe “Voina” Got The eXile Censored in 2008: The Lost Story

It is the first time in the 11-year history of The exile, that our newspaper has ever been censored. What’s odd about it for us is that the “Fucking For Medvedev” spread, while not exactly family-friendly, is hardly the most shocking thing we’ve ever printed; we’ve run a cover depicting a nearly-nude Putin fucking Bill Clinton from behind, another cover depicting Putin as a midget in the Hitlerjugen getting his head patted by a pleased Fuhrer, and a cover demanding that President Yeltsin “Die Already!” during one of his many illnesses.

Posted on: August 22nd, 2012 | Comments (15)

War Nerd Classic: In Praise Of Sikhs, “The Coolest Warrior Tribe Around”

I think I’ve finally found a religion I can convert to. I’m thinking of turning Sikh. And we’ll just slide right by all the puns popping into your little heads, if you don’t mind. The Sikhs are just the coolest warrior tribe around. Take their scripture.

Posted on: August 8th, 2012 | Comments (142)

Why Soccer Sucks: The Antidote To World Cup Idiocy

  As an antidote to the current World Cup soccer idiocy, we suggest taking 1 full dose of The eXile’s classic soccer takedown, published during the 1998 World Cup. Here’s a little something to consider for all you folks who’ve…

Posted on: June 24th, 2010 | Comments (190)

Two Cities, Two Protests, One Arrest

ST. PETERSBURG — The morning air was icy and the mood tense as people gathered for Other Russia’s pre-protest press conference outside the Yabloko office and it was obvious that something was going to go down, and soon…

Posted on: December 11th, 2007 | Leave Comment

Hey Freepers! Mark Steyn Hates You!

This article was first published in The eXile in September 2005. A funny thing happened while I was surfing rightwing sites like Free Republic and Little Green Footballs this week: I discovered that Mark Steyn, the world’s only warmongering Canadian journalist,…

Posted on: September 23rd, 2005 | Comments (2)