Vanity Fair profiles The eXile: "Gutsy...visceral...serious journalism...abusive, defamatory...poignant...paranoid...and right!"
MSNBC: Mark Ames and Yasha Levine
Broke the Koch Brothers' Takeover of America
Schoepenhauer Awards / August 25, 2009


Today we are going to study a little sea feller known as the Sacculina carcini, a flea-like shapeshifter that enslaves crabs.

The Sacculina really is a perfect example of Intelligent Design. If man was made in the Lord’s image, then the Sacculina was made in the image of the Holy Ghost. It can literally shed its corporeal form, and inject its parasitic spirit into a crab to feast on its host’s soul.

Here’s what a typical Sacculina life looks like: A female parasite starts out as a tiny translucent sea insect. With sharp claw-wings outstretched, it almost looks like a flea angel as it floats along, sniffing the seafloor for a crab to invade. When it does, the Sacculina flaps over and lands on its host’s shell. It scuttles around looking for a soft spot—a joint or hair follicle pore—to penetrate with the massive spike-dong hanging between its legs. As soon as it finds just the right spot, the Sacculina drills a hole clear through the crab’s carapace, sucks its own jelly innards out of its chitinous shell and injects itself inside the crab, like a coagulated glob of fat from a turkey baster. The crab barely feels the little sting that marks the end of its own existence.

Once inside, the Sacculina hooks its tendrils up to the crab’s digestive system and wraps them around the crustacean’s primitive brain. Then it settles in the abdomen and starts growing, slowly filling out, until it gets so big that it breaks through the shell and pops out of the crab’s belly, exposing a lumpy vagina made for only one thing: to pop out more squishy reproductive sacks just like itself.

Now it’s ready to be fertilized. A Sacculina can take two males at a time, gobbling them up as they enter its fallopian tubes to squirt their parasite juice all over her eggs.

When a Sacculina gets impregnated, it becomes more demanding. To grow its eggs, it needs all the energy it can suck out of its crab host without killing it. And the crab is happy to oblige. It doesn’t get suicidal, and doesn’t try to bash its head on a rock. No, the crab has become the perfect slave, adopting its master’s needs as its own. The more the Sacculina takes, the more subservient the crab becomes, working overtime to feed its little overlords. The crab stops its molting process altogether, meaning that it no longer increases in size. Nor does it regrow lost limbs or claws. The crab just wanders around, haggard and tired, eating to feed the little Sacculinas quickly growing on its belly.


The Sacculina is so thoroughly in control, it has the power to turn male crabs into females—and that it does. Tweaking a man crab’s hormonal mix, the parasite widens its host’s abdomen to make it more feminine and better equipped to carry its young. When the eggs start popping out, it convinces the male that it is a chick—a pregnant chick—and that the eggs it carries contain little crablings. And so this poor sucker climbs on rocks and bobs up and down to help the little parasite zygotes break free and float away in safety, which is what female crabs do with their young.

The Sacculina isn’t some freak occurrence. Half of some crab populations carry the parasite, living out their short lives in the service of pus-colored vaginas.

Aren’t God’s creations beautiful things to behold?

Read more: , , , , , Yasha Levine, Schoepenhauer Awards

Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.

Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.

Twitter twerps can follow us at


Add your own

  • 1. chickenbutt  |  August 26th, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Wow, the things you learn in Victorville. Really interesting I think I have one of those attached to me. I put a ring on her finger too? Hmmmm….

  • 2. fajensen  |  August 26th, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    I gather that bankers or lawyer-politicians are similar to sacculina carcini

  • 3. sally  |  August 26th, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    People should watch this video of Somali refugees humiliating a white gay man in Minneapolis. I noticed that alot of refugees complain about discrimination but the refugees themselves seem to be prejudice too:

    Note to Yasha, you should talk about refugees and immigrants who do not want to assimilate. I am one of those in the closet, open minded fascists, who think that that diversity and stuff is cool, unless people don’t think like me. And I consider alot of refugees to be parasites too. When will I get the courage to be what I am, like that gay guy in the video? Oh, probably never. I’ll just waste my time posting comments on eXiled online.

  • 4. Aaron  |  August 27th, 2009 at 9:47 am

    It’s not going to work, you know. You might as well exhort a corpse to pick up a gun and take the fight to its oppressors; in fact that would be easier than stimulating a similar passion in living Americans.

  • 5. fred wasouski  |  December 6th, 2010 at 7:10 am


Leave a Comment

(Open to all. Comments can and will be censored at whim and without warning.)


Required, hidden

Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed