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[sic] / August 4, 2008

Today, we sifted through a buttloads of your fan letters and picked the first ones that floated to the top, including three letters from Iranian terrorists, a knee-scraping nightlife tool from Moscow, another cheap-ass reader, and much, much less…


Honoured Mr Brecher!

The guy sitting in the trench is explaining to the others that the army, the navy and the airforce are going to defeat the enemy in a coordinated effort and with the help of God. I guess he is some equivalent to a corporal, briefing the rookies on their first day at work.

Nope, I didnt figure the facts out myself. Had to ask me wife, an expatriate persian now having waged a war on me for years. Well, kind of a happy war, if I may say.

Finally, I hope that You may find some reward in this feedback and wish You good luck in Your new camp.

Cheers from a devoted reader


Dear Mr. Erik,

Thank you for your letter, all of us really appreciate it. In fact no one appreciates your letter more than the Department of Homeland Security, to whom we passed this along. Without going into details, all we can say is that you don’t have to worry about your Persian wife waging war on you, or on any other freedom-loving person on our planet. Yes, Erik, your Persian wife’s currently being held in an undisclosed detention center, far from any distractions, in order to facilitate discussions between her and the Uzbek secret police interrogators who are questioning her under a totally legal rendition program. The main thing is to make sure that your wife is not being waterboarded one more second than is necessary, or that the hot electrical truth-probes are not inserted into her orifices one hour longer than they should be. That’s what separates us from the enemies of freedom, Erik: you see, those bad folks are the types who would leave hot pokers inside of freedom-lovers for hours or days longer than is necessary. But not us! Nope! We only leave the sizzling hot truth-probes in for, oh, say, 45 minutes more than necessary, and that’s maximum 45 minutes, that’s if like there’s something good on TV and we forgot we left them in–which happens, you know, because in free countries there’s so much good TV to watch, and so little time. Although in the larger scheme of things, when you think about what 45 minutes means, well, time is such a weird thing, isn’t it? Wasn’t it Quentin Compson who said, “Hey Caddy, if you fall I will catch you I will be waiting, time after time.” Or was that Rutger Hauer? Whoa, look at us! We went from hot genital pokers to high art in the space of a single paragraph–hey, are the fruits of freedom awesome or what?!


Hi Gary,

I’d be happy to help you with the translation of the video in your write up: “War Nerd: Amazing Combat Video from Iran-Iraq War.”

(My comments below are in parenthesis!)

Time sequence

0:00 – 0:05 “… the ‘mine planters’, and the ‘RPG guys’… Everybody is cooperating with each other to blow up their tanks…” (See my comment #3 below)

0:06 – 0:07 … [unintelligible] …

0:08 – 0:09 “Allah O’ Akbar!” (God is Great!)

0:09 – 0:10 “There goes another one!” (This one is very hard to discern)

0:11 – 0:13 “Minute by minute a tank is going up into the air!… Minute by minute!”

0:14 – 0:36 …[unintelligible]…

0:37 – 0:38 “Inshallah!” (God willing!)

0:38 – 0:41 …[unintelligible]…

0:42 – 0:45 “Come here sir! … Come! … Move over!” (see my comment #4 below for details)

0:46 – 0:49 “…Allah O’ Akbar!”

0:50 – 0:55 …[unintelligible]…

0:56 – 0:57 “Allah O’ Akbar!”

0:58 – 1:22 … [more crackling of the AK47s and the feared G3 is heard in the background]…

Notes of interest (since I know you care about details):

1. Most of the soldiers appear to be from the Basij (often very young, and with very little training) mixed with some elements of the Sepah (present-day IRGC) who coordinated the Basij activities.

2. Every time you hear someone crying “Allah O’ Akbar”, it almost always indicates a firing of a missile.

3. During the time 0:00 to 0:05, the Basij grunt is so excited that he incorrectly refers to the guys firing the RPGs as “mooshak” (the actual missile itself) rather than “mooshak zan” which means “the missile shooter.”

4. During the time sequence 0:42 to 0:45 when someone shouts “Move over!”, he is either referring to the cameraman to move to a different location (for a better view), or telling someone to move away from behind his RPG’s rear-end!

By the way, at time 0:34, did you notice the Iranian tank stationed on top of that hill?

Keep up the great work.

Best Regards,


Dear Mr. Ed,

Looks like the Uzbeks got the information out of Erik’s wife after all. That wasn’t so hard now, was it?



How about a print button on your new website (I’m a lazy bastard). I like to read your articles the way they should be read, on the shitter. Glad you escaped. Keep the great articles coming.


Dear Jesse,

How about an “I just donated $100 and from now on I promise to keep my mouth shut” letter instead?


Hi mark,

Sorry to hear what those bastards did to you, but good luck in the future. I have a quick question, I know your busy. We are starting a nightlife magazine in Moscow (completely non political) What permits do we need in Moscow to begin publishing and do you get it from the Federal Agency for Media and Communications and associated costs.

Thanks in advance,

Mike Wilcox

Dear Mr. Willsukcox,

The fact that you are proudly announcing that you want to publish a “completely non political” magazine in Russia is 98 percent of what it takes to get a publishing license out there—give yourself a pat on the back, Mike Willsuckcox, you’re a real trailblazer. Add to that your sub-retarded grammar (or should we write “you’re sub-retarding grammars”?) and the fact that you don’t have a fucking clue about setting up a magazine in Russia, and all we can say is, “Element, Passport, all ye Titans of Moscow’s English-language media: you better watch out, because there’s a new retard in town who’s guaranteed to give you a run for your sub-retarded money! He may even promise less non-political content than you dickheads offer!”



Dear Vlad,

It is good to see that you are back and gloating! Your last gloat “live on Chavez’s free gasoline or Die” was great, it is very hilarious that pompous greedy americans are humiliated and reduced to needing help from their enemy! Ha ha ha, proves how weak and pathetic they are! Anyway, it is very good that you are back and I wish you the best, I hope you keep up the good work!

Sincerely, your fanatic.


Dear Mr. Alex,

Homeland Security would like to introduce you to Erik’s Persian wife. She has a newfound respect for free nations, and we believe that you too can learn to love freedom as well. It will be a long difficult and very wet road, but we believe that in the end, given a choice, all people deep down in their bowels can find that love of freedom. Good luck, and we’ll see you in a couple of years!


Dear Mark Ames,

I just found out about the troubles with The Exile. I’m a Dutch journalist located in Panama, have been through similar mishap and was wondering what the plans are with The Exile (in print? broader geographical focus or not?) and if you’d be interested to have me as a contributor (it’s a publication I’ve long thought I’d like to write for). You can read about me here or here and make sure to follow the links.

All the best,

Okke Ornstein

Dear Mr. Okke,

You can’t be fucking serious. Okay, folks we have an announcement to make. Now that we’ve learned that some Dutch hippie named “Okkie” is in Panama, we’ve just upped and moved to an undisclosed location as far away from even the possibility of running into “Okkie” or anyone like “Okkie” as possible. It’s not easy, and we’re not telling you where, or if we’ve even succeeded. Let’s just say it’s enough to know that Panama is ruined forever. Folks, is there anyplace left on this planet of ours that is fuckhead-free?


Hi Eileen,

Your “The Coppolas” article-rant is cruel but super funny! Good eye! I could not stop laughing for five minutes (or perhaps it was the weed?) It’s great to see the exile is back. As a long time reader I was disappointed to learn you were shut down by The Man (or, in this case, paranoid Russian authorities) Looking forward to your insightful articles.

All the best,


Dear Mr. Slobodan,

So, they really do give convicted war criminals free internet access in The Hague after all, eh?


hey vika,

just to reassure you, in persia they say a woman over 26 is sour, so 21 way too pessimistic. but then again the persians do have this smooth skin often, but what the heck.

why dont you take a dive in the pits and write a book?



Dear Mr. viktor,

Just to remind you, in the free world we say that a Persian woman over 26 is a threat to our way of life. And unless the UN and the EU take strong action, America will have to pretend that it will take strong action instead, while doing nothing for 7 years. So there, how you like them apples? As for Vika Bruk writing a book…hey, that rhymes! Wow, have we got the hip-hop gift or what? Watch this, watch how we be freestylin ‘n shit. “Yo yo yo, vika bruk/be writin a book/but viktor be a mofo schnook/he be sweatin every cranny n nook/and in Manila they ride a tuk-tuk/without the ‘ie’ Chewie’s just a Wook/yeah/uh-huh-huh/yeah…!”

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