Last Sunday, an LA Times correspondent sat down with a modern-day prophet hailing from Utah. His name was Leeland Freeborn, but he’s popularly known as the “Parowan Prophet.” He went through to the other side and saw God’s plan when he crashed his prop plane and dove into a three-week coma. That was back in 1975, and he’s been spewing prophecy ever since. (Being a hardcore Mormon, he’s also taken on a few more wives.) He’s been foreseeing a general fire and brimstone calamity pretty regularly for the past two decades. But he has taken the occasional time out to make American pop-culture predictions that us regular folk can dig on. For instance, he predicted O.J. Simpson’s murder acquittal and Al Gore’s winning of the popular vote in 2000. These days, he’s got another urgent message for Americans:
I have passed 100,000 hits on my Web site with free survival information. Google has my site listed. Now I think that you should hear what my opinion about the Obama election is: that he will not be the next president.
100,000 hits! Listed on Google! People are starting to listen, finally! But what is the prophet saying? Well, gather ‘round and listen close, the Parowan Prophet has seen visions of a nuclear war that will break out soon, like in the next 32 days. In a vision, delivered to Mr. Freeborn by the holy ghost of discounts, Sam Walton, as he was cruising on his wheelchair through his local Wal-Mart for a little holiday shopping, he saw America’s first Black president-elect engulfed in flames, disintegrating moments before inauguration. Was he an innocent victim swept up in a nuclear attack? Or was he seeing the world’s first assassination-by-nuke attempt? Does he want people to stop it? Actually, he’s not too clear on all that.
Now at this point you might be thinking: “What?! Why the fuck would the LA Times send a reporter all the way to Utah to report on this dribble? There’s got to be thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of backwater retards just like him masturbating to images of Obama’s destruction: lynching, burning, quartering, lightning strikes, gunshot, buckshot, frying pan, accidental fall during a basketball game…anything to get that African-American outta there. What were the LA Times thinking, especially given the tight fiscal situation they’re in?” Wonkette expressed this frustration a few days ago in their own lame way. But maybe you don’t know the whole story. Maybe the Times is holding something back, something that shows this guy is the real deal.
Well, as it turns out, there is. And her name is Baba Vanga, the Soviet Babushka Nostradamus.
See, the Parowan Prophet is not alone in predicting a looming nuclear Armageddon that will coincide with a political assassination. His vision has been corroborated by the most reliable prophet of modern times.
Baba Vanga, now deceased, hailed from modern-day Bulgaria. She was born in 1911 and grew up a normal child. But that changed when she was picked up by a mystical tornado that touched down on her farm on a clear blue day. She was found sometime later far from her home and was never the same again. Sand was pouring out of her eyes. The doctors said she would be blind for life. Oh, how wrong they were. From then on, she saw things we could only dream of, things not meant for the eyes of mortals. In other words, she was in business. Until her death in 1996, she worked around the clock taking in the sick, the dumb, the lame and the connected. Not only did she have the power to see the future, she could also heal the sick: she was a one-stop paranormal physician. She was so effective that the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia designated her a state asset, gave her a job and a staff and charged people at the door. All the Party bigwigs came to see her, even Brezhnev.
Baba Vanga was the real deal, there is no doubt about it. She predicted the rise of Vladimir Putin and the sinking of the Kursk. She predicted 9/11 in 1989. In the early 90s she predicted the downfall of Georgia. “I can’t tell you anything,” said Baba Vanga to Zviad Gamsakhurdia, Georgia’s first president right after the creation of the post-Soviet country. “I do not see such a country in the future.” Today, we see that prophecy being played out before our very eyes. Which brings us to Armageddon and Obama’s assassination.
A few years before she died, she predicted that four heads of state would be assassinated in 2008. She also said that a nuclear war would break out around this time. Three assassinations already happened this year. Benazir Bhutto was blown up just a few days before January 1, 2008 (which is well within the legal limit for prophecies). Gabriel Mkhumane, Swaziland’s political opposition leader, was shot down in his car last April. There was, of course, last week’s assassination-by-shoe attempt on George W. Bush. It’s clear that Barack Obama is next, and that a nuclear bomb will be the assassin’s weapon of choice.
The clock is on. Can the Secret Service stop the plot?
Not convinced? Here are more of Baba Vanga’s predictions:
2011 – Due to the radioactive showers in Northern Hemisphere – no animals or plants will be left. Muslims will begin chemical war against Europeans who are still alive.
2014 – Most of the people in this world will have skin cancer and skin-related diseases (as a result of chemical wars).
2016 – Europe is almost empty.
2018 – China becomes the new world power.
2023 – Earth’s orbit will change slightly.
2025 – Europe is still barely populated.
2028 – Development of a new energy source. (Probably controlled thermonuclear reaction.) Hunger slowly stops being a problem. A spaceship with humans aboard goes to Venus .
2033 – Polar ice caps melt. World ocean levels rise.
2043 – World economy is prosperous. Muslims are running Europe.
2046 – Any organs can be mass produced. Exchange of body organs becomes the favorite method of treatment.
2066 – During its attack on Rome (which is under control of the Muslims), U.S.A. uses a new weapon that manipulates climate change. Sharp freezing.
2076 – No class society (communism).
2084 – The rebirth of Nature.
2088 – New disease – people are getting old in a few seconds.
2097 – This disease is cured.
2100 – Man-made Sun lights up the dark side of planet Earth.
2111 – People become robots.
2123 – Wars between small countries. Big countries don’t get involved.
2125 – In Hungary signals from Space are received. (People will be reminded of Vanga again.)
2130 – Colonies under water (advice from aliens).
2154 – Animals become half-human.
2167 – New religion.
2170 – Big drought.
2183 – Colony on Mars becomes nuclear nation and asks for independence from the Earth (like the U.S. did from England).
2187 – Two volcano eruptions are stopped.
2195 – Sea colonies are fully supplied with energy and food.
2196 – Full mixing between Asians and Europeans.
2201 – Thermonuclear reactions on the Sun slow down. Temperatures drop.
2221 – In the search for Alien life, human beings encounter something very frightening.
2256 – Spaceship brings a frightening new disease to Earth.
2262 – Orbits of planets start to change. Mars is under a threat of being hit by a comet.
2271 – Laws of physics revised, since they changed.
2273 – Mix of yellow, white and black race. New race.
2279 – Energy out of nothing (probably from vacuum or black holes).
2288 – Travel through time. New contacts with the aliens.
2291 – Sun cools. Attempts are made to fire it up again.
2296 – Bright flashes on the Sun. Force of gravity changes. Old space stations and satellites begin to fall.
2299 – In France, there is a partisan uprising against Islam.
2302 – Important new mysteries about the universe are uncovered.
2304 – The mystery of the Moon is uncovered.
2341 – Something frightening is closing in on Earth from space.
2354 – Accident on one of the man-made suns will result in drought.
2371 – Great hunger.
2378 – New fast-growing race.
2480 – Two man-made suns will collide. Earth is in the dark.
3005 – War on Mars. Trajectory of planets changes.
3010 – Comet will ram into the Moon. Around Earth there is a belt of rocks and dust.
3797 – By this time, everything living on Earth dies. But humans are able to put in the essentials for the beginning of a new life in a new star system.
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