Lost amid the furor over the takeover of the Media Most empire is the following crucial truth: that of the key figures on either side of the controversy, none of them would be genuinely sexually appealing to any comely 16-year-old virgin girl.

The eXile wants to be the first publication to just come right out and say it: the world is dominated by the desires of sixteen year-old girls. Most political and economic activity on this planet is driven by the desire for sex with 16-year-old virgin girls. And not just sex, but sex with a willing, stimulated partner. Sex with a girl who blushes and sighs just to be near you and falls into a deep sleep with her head resting on your chest and a dreamy expression on her face; sex with a girl who likes pony rides and licorice and scribbles your name on the cover of her science notebook. That, and that alone, is what everyone wants, and this has been largely overlooked in the seemingly endless discussion of the NTV affair. (more…)

Three men convicted of producing the class B controlled drug opium were each jailed… In each man’s case Judge McDonald took two years’ jail as the starting point for sentence.

It takes radio signals more than a decade to reach this offworld colony. (Something about the speed of light.) So, having lived through the eighties at Reagan’s ground zero, I get to live through them again out here. The worst of all Reagan’s horrors, the Drug War, is just hitting its stride here, even as it’s losing steam back in Vampire Central. Back there, even bloodsucking monsters like Henry Hyde are deciding they might have been a bit excessive in mandating the death penalty for anyone caught with a quarter-gram of powder. Hyde got a cameo role in Traffic and, like any red-blooded American, changed his convictions instantly in exchange for a bit part, a moment being petted poolside by a bevy of Malibu Stacies. A repellent tableau, certainly; but if that’s all it takes, why not find a bit part for every Republican drug warrior? Have Soros fund huge fake Hollywood parties for every slavering Phalangist in DC! Rent a few blondes, a cheesy Elks Hall, deck it out with limos and fake cameras! Stage an entire fake Academy Awards ceremony at which Hyde, Jesse Helms and Ashcroft are the leading contenders for Best Actor, nominated for their role in dueling anti-DEA epics! Let them make tearful acceptance speeches that go on for hours, if only they’ll stop sending harmless nerds to a lifetime as the maytag of D Block. (more…)