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Elections Porn / February 17, 2012

Mormon Jacuzzi? Nope, it’s Ayn Rand’s soul’s salvation

As readers of The eXiled know, we operate a leading Washington DC political PR firm, “Our Founding Fathers Global Strategies LLC”, specializing in crisis-management and strategic communications for our negative-net-worth clientele. “Our Founding Fathers GS LLC” has devised a comeback plan for Mitt Romney to reignite his flagging campaign, which we offer gratis, pro bono.

We call our 1-point comeback campaign “Brigham Shrugs” and it boils down to this:

“Baptize Ayn Rand, already!”

This crazy baglady is “Going Joseph Smith”

The Mormon baptism-of-the-dead process is pretty painless and E-Z. Here’s a description of how Mormons baptize the dead. We recommend you  play that song from Ghost by the Righteous Brothers while reading this description, it’s all so moving ‘n’ spiritual:


Perhaps the most striking feature inside a Mormon temple is the large baptismal font, large enough to accommodate several people standing waist-deep in water. The font rests on the backs of twelve life-size sculpted oxen in a special room. It is here that baptisms for the dead are performed. The proxies are usually a group of teen-age Mormons who have traveled from their homes in a group for a temple excursion. Dressed in white, they line up to enter the waters one by one to be immersed by the officiators with the short baptismal prayer: “Having authority given me of Jesus Christ, I baptize you for and in behalf of N. N., who is dead, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.” The name of the dead person is read from a list to the officiator just before the immersion. One proxy may be baptized quickly in succession for ten or fifteen dead people. After the baptisms, two other officiators confirm the newly baptized dead persons as members of the Mormon church and confer upon them the gift of the Holy Ghost, by placing their hands upon the head of each proxy, with a similar short pronouncement. Hundreds of such baptisms and confirmations can be performed in a few hours. It is an efficient, production-line operation.

Efficiency and production-line baptisms of the dead. Those words are music to Ayn’s dead ears.

This gentleman’s sign should read “Who Is Joseph Smith?” Mitt, this is your moment!

Would you like to know more? Read Mark Ames’ “Atlas Shrieked: Ayn Rand’s First Love Was A Sadistic Serial Killer Who Dismembered Little Girls” and listen to Mark Ames’ radio interview “The Fountainheadbanger”.

Buy The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia co-authored by Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi (Grove). 


Click the cover & buy the book!


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Add your own

  • 1. strahlungsamt  |  February 17th, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Hey Eileen,

    When is the Exiled’s review of “The Iron Lady” coming out? We’re getting impatient already.

  • 2. Adrian  |  February 17th, 2012 at 7:12 pm

    As I understand it, Anton LaVey said Ayn Rand was a big influence on his brand of Satanism.

  • 3. David  |  February 17th, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    And here’s the kicker — Rand was an atheist.

    AEC post-troll dissection: The AEC looked onto this young humorless bottom bag-puppet on this Shabbos evening and saw that it was good. Amen.

  • 4. Anarchy Pony  |  February 17th, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    Something tells me that that crazy bitch would prefer to stay in hell.

  • 5. Dimitri Ratz  |  February 17th, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    Seen Chronicle a week or two ago. The movie seems rushed, and very badly directed. The main character mastered the ability to pull out bullies’ teeth with his thoughts by twisting them in his mind, but can’t take out cash without bending over and tumblin. Must have been a sorry attempt by the production crew at trying to portray the downfall of man? Very sorry I can’t get back the time spent watching it.

    The mildly retarded fellow piercing his friend for making a stand and not wanting to run away at the end is more fitting for a Himalayan Pink Salt Commercial than an actual movie.

  • 6. John  |  February 18th, 2012 at 11:15 am

    On theexiledonline home page, the “What you should know” link “Will Nick Kristof take time off from bashing teacher’s unions to #coverkhader?” is pointing to the wrong article.

    (Just thought you’d like know…and, being a member of a teacher’s union and sick of liberal elites attacking hard-working teachers,
    I’m curious to see the actual article.)

  • 7. John  |  February 18th, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Oops, Mr. Censor, forget that last post of mine. I now understand that the link was correct. It just wasn’t what I had expected from reading the link.

    I was hoping for some Nick Kristof bashing; instead I got Israeli politics, which I find tedious and depressing.

  • 8. Matt123  |  February 18th, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Is the picture of the Mormon Ox-Jacuzzi real life? I’ve said since 09 that Republican bigotry will never allow them to nominate a Mormon – US presidents are extremely religiously homogenous – and widespread distribution of that photo could be the proverbial last straw. Seriously, that thing is a few candles, a pentagram, and possibly several young Mormon child-martyrs away from the howling worldly manifestation of Cthulu rising from the baptismal pool.

  • 9. Mason C  |  February 18th, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    “Mormon Ox-Jacuzzi” is the quote of the week.

  • 10. vortexgods  |  February 18th, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    What’s the Mormon position on Native Americans?

    Would Ayn be a good fit? Since she saw them as savages who were justly exterminated by the civilized European settlers.

    I know the Mormon’s have some scriptures concerning Native Americans but I haven’t waded through them to find out what they are…

  • 11. Zhu Bajie  |  February 19th, 2012 at 4:32 am

    Why not circumcize Ayn Rand?

  • 12. lolwhat  |  February 19th, 2012 at 10:18 am

    They should also baptize her disciple Alan Greenspan.

  • 13. Sean the Sorcerer  |  February 19th, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Yes adrian, there is certainly an ideological nexus which includes Rand, LaVey, Strauss, Pam Geller and others who ally themselves with what is sometimes referred to as “Atheistic Satanism.” However, be aware that there is a counter-current of Satanic thought which rejects this school as a “Magian” (in the Spenglerian sense) or Hebraic aberration – a kind of “Satanism lite” if you will – and seeks to get back to the old-school, truly sinister traditions of the theistic, human-sacrificing Satanists. This school includes neo-Nazi groups such as the Order of the Nine Angles and the Joy of Satan, who consider Hitler a prophet of darkness and National Socialism a noble attempt at overthrowing Yahweh’s reign on earth. I would argue, though this is a matter of some contention, that the more radical sects of Islam who practice ritual human sacrifice and suicide bombing in the name of Allah are also marching under the latter Satanic banner. So if you like, you can view the current global “war on terror” as a conflict between two rival camps of Satanists, with Christians, Occupiers, liberals, conservatives and other Light Side dumbfucks acting as spectators or useful idiots, with no clue about the real infernal forces at work.

    In any case, I look forward to more discussions of Ayn Rand, the Koch brothers, Dick Cheney, National Socialism, Zionism, neo-conservatism, Islam and other manifestations of the Dark Forces in our time. Keep up the good work guys!

  • 14. super390  |  February 19th, 2012 at 5:32 pm


    If you dunk Alan Greenspan in a pond he will float. That’s how we know he’s a witch.

  • 15. Anarchy Pony  |  February 19th, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Is that Sean the Sorcerer guy for real?

  • 16. Jesus  |  February 20th, 2012 at 3:23 am

    I bet she’s got a bigger cock than me.

  • 17. franc black  |  February 20th, 2012 at 7:18 am

    God is dead.
    Satan is dead.
    Rand is dead.

    All that’s left is motley hybrid of human populations: some productive ones and those who survive by exploiting them. Most humans switch between these two groups at different points in their lives (on a multi-year cycle, or annual, seasonal, monthly, daily, hourly, … you get the idea).

    This blanket criticism of Rand is pretty unsophisticated. She appeals to the self-centred feeble-minded types, but has also managed to infect some pretty influential people (Greenspan is a notable example). There are parts of her “philosophy” that are very relevant, and you could do your readers a favour by providing a more balanced view of this kooky, yet intriguing Russian lady.

    (now let’s see if this little note stays intact after review by the Exiled censorship board)

  • 18. super390  |  February 20th, 2012 at 4:07 pm


    I notice from your spelling that you’re not an American. This article is really about America’s mind-boggling hypocrisy of marrying the worst of Christianity to the worst of capitalism. This creates a new cult of Americanism every bit as dangerous as the cult of Germanism that Hitler created out of lovable whackos like Wagner and Nietzche, married to war contracts for I.G. Farben and Krupp. The rest of the world needs to pay attention, and take steps to protect itself in case we go all the way.

    If I’d lived in the ’30s, I’d unfairly ridicule Hitler’s gurus to arouse the world to hatred of his actions; once the enemy is defeated the survivors can go back to watching Wagner (or one day reading Rand) guilt-free.

  • 19. The Black Monk  |  February 21st, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Didn’t one of the Popes explicitly label “Americanism” a heresy?

  • 20. Craig Green  |  February 21st, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Actually, I’ll bet somebody has already proxy-baptised her. They’ve already claimed Simon Weisenthal and Saint Patrick —

  • 21. 69 Anytime 88 On a Date  |  February 21st, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Ayn! Ayn! Ayn! Her books have no life, no children, no sense of reality or community. Her love stories are consummated via acts of rape, which she labels “romantic.” One wonders not what the Soviets did to her bloated ego. One rather wonders what her family did to her—aside from giving her the face of a dead cow.

  • 22. Strelnikov  |  February 21st, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    They have already dunked Adolf Hitler more than once, and he has been “sealed” to Eva Braun. Probably everybody who reads eXiledonline has a dead relative who was baptized into the Mormon church.

    For more info, check out the site; they have a message board and this subject’s come up before.

  • 23. vistited by mistake  |  February 22nd, 2012 at 9:12 am

    I visited this page through a link on a blog. I was led to believe there was some content here, but alas, there is none, just a puddle of incoherent bile.


    And the problem with “incoherent bile” is…?

  • 24. W  |  February 26th, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Sorry folks. I will be submitting your names to Maxine Waters for further processing.

  • 25. Ivan  |  March 1st, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Ayn Rand was never a Russian lady. She was a Jew who was born in Russia and then moved to the U.S. What Rand wrote is the opposite of what Russian culture and Eastern Orthodox Church teach.

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