Now that Trump has bombed Syria, everyone from Hillary Clinton to Fareed Zakaria — that is, the American meritocracy — agrees Donald Trump has finally become “presidential.” Trump gets it. He had his “Sputnik Moment.” He Made Washington DC Great Again.
The only question now is: Who is responsible for Trump’s ingenius new war? Who among his closest advisers came up with the novel plan to bomb yet another Muslim country? His heart-broken daughter Ivanka? His beady-eyed son-in-law, Jared Kushner? Carter “I think he’s an idiot” Page? Patton, the family Goldendoodle?
You’re looking in all the wrong places, folks. There’s only one world-famous advisor who gives advice as catastrophically stupid as this: The Great Gazoo. He preys on credulous meat-heads, and offers them the worst, deadliest advice — but with all the snotty confidence of a Bill Kristol:
“Ohhh Donald, you know what would help your tanking ratings? Don’t be a dumb-dumb Donald!”
“Gazoo, where have you been? I need you!”
“Never mind that dumb-dumb Donald, just take my advice and bomb Syria. It’ll be a cinch! You’ll never get sucked into a deeper war there!”
“No, dumb-dumb. Don’t bother me again until you’ve launched.”
“Okay Gazoo whatever you say!”
Indeed, the Great Gazoo has been leading world leaders over the cliff throughout the 21st C. Here are a few highlights:
POOF! “Oh Mister Preeeesident, it’s meeeee, Gazoo. You let Bin Laden get away, dumb-dumb, and now you’ve got a country called Afghanistan that’s of no use. Pretty soon, people are going to start asking questions about 9-11…”
“Boy am I glad to see you, Gazoo. What should I do?”
“If you just listen to me, Mr. President, I can solve your problems.”
“It’s not that difficult, dumb-dumb. Invade Iraq. You earthlings are soooo slow.”
“But my dad says invading will be a problem.”
“You’re dad’s an earthling, dumb-dumb. It’ll be a cakewalk. The entire Middle East will become pro-American. I told him that a decade ago but he wouldn’t listen, because he’s a dumb-dumb.”
“I’ll listen to you, Gazoo.”
“I know you will, Georgie. It seems you’re the only earthling who isn’t a dumb-dumb. Now do as I say and invade Iraq.”
“What sort of planning should I do? How many troops should I use, Gazoo?”
“It doesn’t really matter, just have your troops bring lots of vases because the locals will greet them with flowers. Now, about North Korea…”
“I did as you said, Gazoo. I stopped talking to North Korea completely, and pulled everyone out of negotiations.”
“Good, North Korea should be begging to surrender to us in a matter of weeks, not months. Toodle-loo, dumb-dumb!” POOF!
“Gazoo, where are you? You gotta help me out, this Iraq thing is turning into a disaster!”
POOF! “Don’t be a dumb-dumb, Mr. President! If you’d listened to me and done it right, you wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“But you told me to invade Iraq, Gazoo!”
“Of course I did, dumb-dumb. And everything would have turned out perfectly if only you’d bombed Iran and Syria in the aftermath. Those two are mucking up a perfectly good occupation. Clearly I wasted good advice on a dumb-dumb. Now it’s your mess, not mine.”
“But Gazoo, I can’t invade Iran right now, our forces are overstretched, the Shia in Iraq are in revolt–”
“That’s not my problem, dumb-dumb. I told you to invade Iran, and you didn’t. If you don’t want to listen to me, do so at your own peril, dumb-dumb.”
“No wait, Gazoo, don’t leave me! You gotta help get me outta Iraq!”
“Toodle-loo, dumb-dumb!” POOF!
POOF! “Oh Ehuuuud Olmert, Mr. Prime Minister? I know how to get rid of the threat on Israel’s northern border. If you just listen to me, I can solve your problems, dumb-dumb.”
“Gazoo, is that you?”
“No, it’s Baal. Of course I’m Gazoo, dumb-dumb.”
“I’m sorry, Gazoo, it’s just.”
“Listen to me and shuttup, dumb-dumb. Now, here’s how to get rid of Hezbollah and win the next elections. Bomb the Shia villages and invade the south of Lebanon with armored columns. It’ll be a breeze, dumb-dumb. They’ll never bother Israel again.”
“Of course, dumb-dumb. You’re the one with the air force and tanks. Use them. Toodle-loo!” POOF!
TWO WEEKS LATER…
“Gazoo! Help me, it’s Ehud! Where are you, Gazoo?”
POOF! “I’m trying to have a bath, dumb-dumb. You earthlings have no manners.”
“But Gazoo, we’ve bombed and bombed and invaded southern Lebanon just like you said, and it’s turning into a military defeat. We’re losing to Hezbollah!”
“Of course you’re losing dumb-dumb, because you didn’t listen to me. Iran is the real problem, so you have to bomb Iran. Do I have to tell you everything, dumb-dumb?”
“But I can’t bomb Iran unless America bombs Iran with me. You said President Bush wouuld bomb Iran if I got in trouble, and they’re not bombing. What happened?”
“He’s a dumb-dumb too, just like his father. Just wait until he finds out that North Korea will set off a nuclear test bomb in a month–of course, if the dumb-dumb listened to me and continued not talking to North Korea, he wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.”
“But Gazoo, I’m ruined if the war ends in a defeat like this!”
“You’re still here, Ehud? Well look, I can’t help a dumb-dumb who doesn’t listen to me, now can I, dumb-dumb? Call me when you’ve bombed Iran. They wouldn’t dare to retaliate, that’s for certain. Toodle-loo, dumb-dumb!” POOF!
POOF! “Oh Miiiiiisha, Mr. President of Georgia? Helloooo, it’s me, Gazoo. I know how you can regain South Ossetia and overcome your domestic political problems, if you just listen to me, dumb-dumb.”
“Gazoo? Boy am I glad to see you.”
“I’m sure you are, dumb-dumb. So here’s my plan, if you’re not too much of a dumb-dumb to understand it: invade South Ossetia with the troops that America trained up for you. It’ll be a cinch–the Russians won’t even know what hit them.”
“Yes, really, dumb-dumb. You have Gazoo on your side, and the Russians don’t have Gazoo. Anyone who’s not a dumb-dumb realizes that the side with Gazoo wins.”
“I’m glad I have Gazoo on my side!”
“I see you’re learning, Misha. Maybe you’re not such a dumb-dumb.”
“How will my military victory in South Ossetia solve my political problems, Gazoo?”
“Well, dumb-dumb, you’ll be so popular you won’t need to kill or jail your political opponents anymore, because everyone will support President Saakashvili, war hero!”
“Gazoo, you’re a genius!”
“Tell me something I don’t know, dumb-dumb. Toodle-loo!”
TWO WEEKS LATER…
“Gazoo, help me! Where are you Gazoo??? The Russians destroyed my army, and they’re deep inside Georgian territory!”
POOF! “Do I have to do everything for you, dumb-dumb?”
“But Gazoo, I thought you said that the Russians would never invade after I took South Ossetia.”
“That’s not what I told you, dumb-dumb. I said that Bush would never let Russia invade. Unfortunately, Bush is a dumb-dumb. And even I, the Great Gazoo, am powerless to help a dumb-dumb.”
“What do I do now? I’m ruined!”
“Gazoo has it all worked out. Your friend John McCain is much smarter than the dumb-dumb Bush, and he agrees that it’s time to start a New Cold War with Russia. He understands how easily America will win the New Cold War, unlike dumb-dumb. As soon as McCain is the new president, everything will work out fine. Toodle-loo, dumb-dumb!”
* * *
Gazoo’s plan with McCain didn’t quite work out, but that was because McCain was a dumb-dumb. It took some time, but with the election of Donald Trump, Gazoo has finally found another earthling smart enough to take his advice.
How hard can it be to understand that, dumb-dumbs?
Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.
Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.
Twitter twerps can follow us at twitter.com/exiledonline