Vanity Fair profiles The eXile: "Gutsy...visceral...serious journalism...abusive, defamatory...poignant...paranoid...and right!"
MSNBC: Mark Ames and Yasha Levine
Broke the Koch Brothers' Takeover of America
www.exiledonline.com

eXiled Alert! We just launched the S.H.A.M.E. media transparency project to expose the shills and corporate lackeys who manipulate the public and perpetuate oligarchy power. Check it out. And contribute using PayPal or WePay

eXile Classic / June 24, 2010

exile cover41c

 

As an antidote to the current World Cup soccer idiocy, we suggest taking 1 full dose of The eXile’s classic soccer takedown, published during the 1998 World Cup.

Here’s a little something to consider for all you folks who’ve been trying to watch the World’s Greatest Sporting Event–otherwise known as the World Cup–over the course of the last week. The following is a short list of some of the official mascots of the World Cup in the latter half of this century. 1990: Ciao, an abstract object (Italy). 1986: Pique, a chili pepper (Mexico). 1982: Naranjito, an orange (Spain). 1978: Gauchito, a boy (Argentina). 1974: Tip and Tap, two boys (West Germany). 1970: Juanito, a boy (Mexico). 1966: World Cup Willie, a lion (England).

An abstract object, a chili pepper, an orange, a boy, two boys, a boy, and a lion named “World Cup Willie”…Is this sports or a NAMBLA convention?

Tough question, and one thing’s for sure: you’d never be able to figure it out by watching the game in question, called either soccer or football depending on whether you have a life or not. In fact, we at the eXile feel that this week, during the very heart of World Cup 1998 in France, is the right time to finally come out and say it: soccer isn’t a sport. It’s an exercise in mass denial, a desperate attempt by the runner-up nations of the world to protect themselves from the spread of American consumer culture by clinging to a pastime no rational person would consume.

Tip-and-Tap-74

Tip and Tap: would you let your child play with Germany’s mascot-duo?

Soccer didn’t always suck. About a thousand years ago, natives on the American continent played a sport that was prophetically named pasuckuakohowog–we’re not making this up–which featured teams of up to 500 people apiece playing on fields one mile long. Players kicked balls toward a goal just as they do in modern soccer. Unlike modern soccer, however, they wore warpaint and committed atrocities upon their opponents, using weapons and breaking bones as a matter of routine. Whatever your feelings were about atrocities, there was one thing you had to admit about pasuckuakohowog: it was interesting to watch. Something happened during the games. Unlike…

Even the British played interesting football at one point. In the 11th and 12th century, football games were so lawless and violent that the game became the subject of repeated royal bans. But now…

Now? Now the European game of football has become so effete that the days when it was physically taxing are recalled with horror by its proponents. The following is an excerpt from the official Web Page of the 1994 World Cup, in a section outlining the history of the game’s equipment:

“The Original Soccer Ball”
The “ball” was made of animal skin on the outside and filled with hair on the inside. People kicked the ball across a “goal,” but the game was much rougher than it is now. It was common to kick someone’s shins, and players often suffered broken bones!

Broken bones! God help us!

ronaldo-crying

 

Of course, even this newspaper isn’t crude enough to suggest that any sport without violence isn’t a real sport at all. On the contrary, there are dozens of competitive sports, ranging from basketball to tennis to volleyball, even to team handball or chess or even checkers, for God’s sake, where artistry is an ample visual substitute for force. But all of those sports have one thing in common: something happens during the games.

Nothing happens during a soccer game. Nothing, that is, except the audience’s infinitesimal drift in the direction of still greater loneliness, despair and irrelevance. Tune in to the World Cup this week on Russian TV or Eurosport, and you’ll realize that that’s what European football is really all about. It’s Europeans getting together en masse in big parks to whine about not mattering anymore.

As a culture, this is all that Europe has left-gathering around to watch a shockingly boring and precious little spectacle performed by fruity little guys with nauseating haircuts, sticking up its collective nose, and proclaiming a great love for the “best game in the world.” All its other great ideas this century–social democracy, titles, interlocking alliances, military independence from the United States, existentialist literature–they lost their resonance ages ago.

So “football” is all they’ve got. It’s their only way into the headlines. And it still sucks. Here are nine reasons why:

1. Soccer Haircuts
Ever wonder why Western Europe’s population is in decline? Well, let’s ask this another way… Would YOU fuck a guy with a soccer hairdo? Do you know ANYBODY who would?

Like radiation sickness, the most visible, ubiquitous cultural effect of soccer is the distinctly ugly upside-down L-shaped soccer hairdo. “L”: as in, “Loser.” As in, “Kick me, I’m a Loser.” Unlike radiation sickness, however, it not the bearer of the deformed hairdo who suffers nausea, but rather, everyone else around him. To make matters worse, the upside-down L-head often accentuates his loser-hairdo by getting a cheap wave or perm, so that he looks like a divorced mother of three. As if realizing that he’s pricing himself out of even the most forgiving homosexual market, he inevitably grows a mustache and does curls, wears hooded sweat shirts, and black imitation all-turf cleats.

This may explain the overall declining birthrate of the White European. Women cannot ovulate if they live among men who have “Loser” tattooed on their scalps.

12166

 

2. Guys who writhe around on the ground in pain for two minutes, then get up and run off like nothing ever happened.
Anyone here watch the Italy-Chile game last week? Late in the game, Italy star Roberto Baggio, a guy who in his pro career makes millions of dollars a year, gets kicked in the shins and falls down. Clutching his leg, he rolls around wailing on the pitch for a while until the referee comes over, then plays it up a little more, appearing-to the untrained eye, anyway-to be literally CRYING with pain. Impressed, the referee pulls a yellow card out of his pocket: penalty, Chile! Satisfied, Baggio gets up and trots off happily down the field, obviously unhurt. He went on later to score the game-tying goal on a cheap penalty shot.

We here at the eXile don’t know about you, but most of us were raised by our American parents to never cry, even when we’re hurt. As for crying when you’re not really hurt, that was a punishable offense for most of us around here. I myself was grounded for it, forced to spend two days at home with slant-eyed old Granny Goldberg.

Europe, on the other hand, is a culture that actually encourages its best athletes to whine and cry like babies. Not promoting machismo is one thing. But raising a whole generation of turds is another. If it were our kid, Europe would be grounded. And beaten with belts and brushes.

soccer whining

 

3. Ties.
Even the leaders of organized chess, a game whose appeal is limited exclusively to a type of intellect so patient and sensitive that it can appreciate a single move of the finger for a half hour at a time, have recognized in recent years that unless it finds a way to reduce the number of drawn games, it will soon lose all of its followers. To this end the game’s leaders have devised knockout systems in tournaments, used new forms of speed chess as tiebreakers, and sped up games, all in the hopes of making this effete bourgeois mind sport more visually stimulating to everyday spectators.

European football, on the other hand–which professes to be a heavily proletarian pastime and a great spectator sport–is a game that still only produces a victor in about 55% of matches. Even at the World Cup, a tournament so rare and important it occurs just once in four years, with nations facing each other as rarely as once in a century, the game’s organizers have done nothing to ensure a victor in the early rounds. As a result, the game is plagued by ties–which, as the saying goes, are about as satisfying as kissing your sister.

None of us here at the eXile can figure out why the World Cup can’t be played without ties. Soccer people generally talk about the game being too physically stressful to play sudden-death overtimes, which would force players to stay on the field for an indefinite amount of time after regulation. If that’s true, how do professional hockey players manage during the NHL playoffs? It’s just as tough to score in hockey, and physically about ten thousand times tougher to play. The abovementioned Roberto Baggio would probably have to be hospitalized if he were forced to so much as watch one major-league hockey check, much less actually experience one. And yet: there are no ties in playoff hockey.

Even tennis players, for God’s sake, don’t play to ties. In a reverse of World Cup logic, tennis players in the big tournaments–the Grand Slams–must in some cases play to infinity in the fifth set to resolve even play. Basketball players play overtimes. Even in professional American Football, a sport so physically demanding that the average pro career lasts fewer than three years due to injuries, players play sudden death overtimes and may not conclude games in ties in playoff competition.

But not soccer players. They can’t handle it. It’s just too tiring, running around on that big field.

soccer crying2

 

4. Pompous pseudo-intellectual Europeans who become soccer fans in order to convince the public of their link to the common man.
A British reporter interviewed for this article summed it up best: “Every member of parliament in Britain has to be a soccer fan, or else he can’t hold office. Not one of them has ever had the balls to admit that it’s the most boring fucking game ever invented.”

From Newcastle fan Tony Blair to Man United fans like wussbunny Cure lead singer Robert Smith, every hyperambitious Euro-egghead in sight attaches himself to a football team sooner or later, once his agent decides the time is right. It’s a phenomenon Americans can appreciate in the similarly disgusting habit their own effete intellectuals have of latching on to baseball–another conspicuous non-sport–to show that they’re people, too. Loathsome Newsweek columnist George Will is the classic example. Will staggers his most obnoxiously reactionary columns with columns about the Orioles or about Pete Rose or whichever player whose name he happens to know at the time, just to show he’s one of the guys.

He isn’t. And neither is Tony Blair. And the worst thing is, in the age of the EU, it’s now doubly important for public figures to be soccer fans in particular-it’s the only way they have of being pro-Europe and human at the same time.

5. Total fucking boredom.
For scientific purposes, I tried to watch the Austria-Cameroon match last weekend. At halftime, the two teams were locked in a fierce 0-0 tie. I shut it off and spent the rest of the night staring out my window.

The following day, Bulgaria and Paraguay played to a thrilling 0-0 tie. Belgium and the Netherlands followed up the next night by renewing their heated rivalry in exhilarating goalless fashion.

As I write this, I can still hear the Eurosport commentator during the Austria match. “We’ve been lucky so far in this World Cup to see goals,” he said. “We hope that there will continue to be goals.”

Let’s even excuse soccer for the moment for being invented in the age before men realized that athletes could score in a smaller goal with far greater precision and flair by using their hands, in a sport like basketball. Innovations take time, even obvious ones. We understand. But it takes more patience than a rational man should have to tolerate the means by which soccer players usually achieve their hideous goal-poor results.

Soccer just isn’t fun to watch. Attacks, when they happen, can be disrupted instantly by virtually any defender who comes near the ball. Luck plays a major role in a very high percentage of the few goals that actually are scored. The general offensive strategy is to get the ball as close to the goal as possible, then lift the ball over the penalty area with a so-called “crossing pass,” which the offensive team then hopes a passing player will either head or kick in the net. Once in a blue moon, a truly beautiful and acrobatic move is executed by a striker, resulting in a goal-a bicycle kick, say, or a long-range header. But that happens very rarely. The usual result is a botched pass or a near miss, a shot far wide of the posts, or a ball scooped up by a jogging or even walking keeper.

Soccer is probably the only sport in the world in which highlights of things that ALMOST happen are shown on late-night sport shows. Even with baseball, a game where an offensive player earns millions if he’s successful even a third of the time, no highlights have ever been shown of a sharp foul ball, or a ball that was just a hair away from being a called third strike. But soccer fans flock to their television sets every night to watch highlights of shots wide right and missed passes, even cleanly fielded shot attempts. This is clearly not a culture much interested in the results of things.

I watched Brazil beat Scotland on the first night of the Cup. At one point, the much-heralded Ronaldo–who, to use one of the most tired cliches in 1990s sportswriting, is something like the Michael Jordan of soccer–took the ball on the wing and attempted to get a shot off. He dribbled past one defender, then a second, then got tripped up by a third before getting his shot off. Scotland reassumed possession.

Well, that was lame, I thought.

Eurosport didn’t agree. They showed that little moment about six times, raving over Ronaldo’s footwork.

The crowd in France cheered as well. They must be ancestors, I thought, of people who cheered their French army for almost stopping the Nazis. Hey, they had good footwork, too.

6. Brazilian players with one name.
Ronaldo, Romario, Pele-what the fuck is this? Are these guys athletes, or designer jean labels? It’s a minor point, but an important one.

7. The excellence of Western Europe.
No one is denying that, as Americans, it galls us to lose to countries like Germany in any sport, even ones we care about as little as soccer. But even putting aside our own hangups, no sport in which countries like Italy, France, Germany and England can be major powers can really be taken seriously.

Let’s take the recent summer Olympics. England didn’t win a single gold medal. It was revealed to be a nation of skin cancer candidates who in most sports were slow enough to be overtaken by portly Sports Illustrated photographers on the sidelines. Sports bookies in England recently placed the chances of Christ’s reappearance on Earth at lower odds than a victory by a Brit at Wimbledon–and this despite the fact that the British invented the damn game.

In life as in sports, Western Europe simply hasn’t been relevant since World War I. While other nations were busy developing huge masses of violent underclass degenerates–a talent pool for athletics–Western Europe was busy tinkering with its social democracies and searching for new income tax plateaus to ascend to. While Croatians were committing genocide and at the same time forging the first serious threat to the United States’s world basketball hegemony, Brits were going on the dole and the French were striking for a 35-hour work week. Germans, meanwhile, were putting on coke-bottle glasses and cranking out container-shipfuls of atrocious synthesizer music.

Nations like these have no business maintaining any kind of standing in world athletics. Let people from these countries perform their natural roles: as obsequious airline stewards, nature-show hosts, bank clerks, rude waiters, makers of quirky low-grossing films, founders of discos in third-world countries, tireless reformers of inherently flawed social democratic systems, keynote speakers at meaningless business seminars. But not athletes. Let’s be serious.

766152

9. Those annoying Andean musicians.
You know those guys who are out there on the Arbat, and in public squares in every other tourist-filled city in the world? You know, the ones that score with every chick in sight, even though they can’t see over the bar? Those guys wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for soccer. The world would never have heard of the Andes without it. Stop soccer and those guys will start looking like hairy little weirdos again, instead of rock stars. Soccer players and these guys, they’re all riding the same vibe. The only mitigating factor here is that Paul Simon ripped off a couple of his older tunes from Andean musicians, making him partly responsible for them as well.

This article was published in The eXile in June 1998, issue 41.

Would you like to know more? Buy The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia (Grove) by Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi.

exile-book-cover1gif

Click the cover & buy the book!

Share/Bookmark

Read more: , , , , Genghis Goldberg, eXile Classic

Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.

Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.

Twitter twerps can follow us at twitter.com/exiledonline

177 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. julian  |  June 24th, 2010 at 8:39 am

    tihs guy suck

  • 2. wtf  |  June 24th, 2010 at 9:26 am

    sounds like this guy has some serious issue with soccer players… maybe his girlfriend dumped him for a soccer player..

  • 3. hockeyhair  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:14 am

    …not as boring and repetitive as this article

  • 4. lol  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:27 am

    lol, i’m a rhyming soccer troll. For all the great political and social insights, this sort of article highlights the worst of this site. It reeks of bitterness and anger as well as a low self esteem. Stick to tearing apart the shit of politics and the economy.

  • 5. bartleby  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:33 am

    why americans hate soccer:

    #1 doesn’t rely on extremely tall or steroid-addled athletes–hence anyone can get good at it–egalitarian.

    #2 doesn’t require extensive gear–a ball and two makeshift goals–hence the popularity in third world ghettos.

    #3 americans have extremely short attention spans and like sports with lots of scoring–whats a popular complaint about baseball?–too slow

    #4 americans are culturally programmed to eschew or outright despise anything foreign–keeps our attention focused in this country–relegate soccer to the nerdy math kids who cant play basketball or football.

    #5 americans cant stand the prospect of america not being NUMBER ONE at something. solution–play your own sports, ridicule soccer.

  • 6. ramona  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:47 am

    … bad mascots ? As opposed to giant KFC chicken, a live fish in an aquarium, assorted caricature redskins (pardon, Native Americans), varoius domestic animals, etc etc

  • 7. RecoverylessRecovery  |  June 24th, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Let’s compare baseball, America’s favorite sport, with soccer ..EVERYONE ELSE’S favorite sport;

    -Soccer: Players must be able to run, jump, slide, roll, sprint and dive for a full hour and a half NON-STOP.
    -Baseball; Players must be able to run for a full 30 seconds while chewing tobacco and spit wads of it onto everything.

    -Soccer: Players must be talented athletes capable of controlling a ball with every part of their bodies EXCEPT their hands.
    -Baseball: Players must be capable of groping their own balls every now and then, prefereably followed by spitting out a wad of chewing tobacco.

    -Soccer: The action is NON STOP.
    -Baseball: The action is stopped every 3 minutes for a beer commercial AND to give players a chance to grope their furry balls and spit out wads of chewing tobacco once more.

    -Soccer: When fights break out, players and spectators can become a violently angry and out of control mob bent on mayhem & destruction, like in a jailhouse riot.
    -Baseball: When fights break out, grown men stand face to face yelling at each other and kicking dirt onto the others shoes, like 5 year old pussies arguing in a schoolyard sandbox while the fans yawn histerically and swallow down 5 more hotdogs and a dozen watered down beers.

    -Soccer: pasión de multitudes!
    -Baseball: pasión de pelotudos, muertos de hambre y criminales de guerra.

    There, I said it.

  • 8. eddie  |  June 24th, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Clueless American idiot.

  • 9. Stan McChrystal  |  June 24th, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Yeah soccer is pretty fucking gay.

  • 10. Jeffrey Harrison  |  June 24th, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    “Let’s take the recent summer Olympics. England didn’t win a single gold medal.”

    Amazing journalist. Spot on, dude!

  • 11. carlos  |  June 24th, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    This is so dead on

    Soccer is horrible. It would be great if the americans won the world cup and no one cared!

  • 12. Dean  |  June 24th, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Actually, I’m really interested in the “Why Russia Should Default” article in that picture. Any chance it will be digitized soon or ever?

  • 13. livingdots  |  June 24th, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    What a shitty article, hardly worth a reprint. “Western Europe not relevant in sports”? Oh, really?! Let’s look at the facts…

    Beijing Summer Olympics 2008
    Number of gold medals – Population – Gold per billion capita

    EU: 87 – 491 – 177
    US: 36 – 303 – 118

    Source: http://www.idsia.ch/~juergen/goldcountbeijing.html

    Vancouver Winter Olympics 2010
    Number of goald medals

    EU: 31
    US: 9

    Source: http://www.medaltracker.eu/

    Cuz you know, we eurofaggies judge our self worth by how many medals dudes prancing around in gay ass leotards win.

  • 14. tony  |  June 24th, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    …but those are all the reasons i love soccer.

    great piece…feckin funny

  • 15. RecoverylessRecovery  |  June 24th, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    “Soccer is horrible. It would be great if the americans won the world cup and no one cared!”

    The chances of seeing the U.S. win the World Cup are about as slim as seeing it recover from its economic nosedive into eternal oblivion.

    And btw, how many ACTUAL Americans does it REALLY have playing on its team? Look at any other country’s team and you’ll notice that 90 to 100% of their players are native-born. Look at the fucking MERCENARIES the U.S. has on ITS team and you’ll note 90-100% of them are MAKE-BELIEVE Americans.

    Next time around, the U.S. should just SKIP all pretense and let BLACKWATER play for them instead.

  • 16. mijj  |  June 24th, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    I find football (socker) dull. So, i can’t think of any good reason why i would expend any effort on it in any way.

    This writer is angry. People get angry when they’re scared or threatened.

    Is football (socker) a threat to this writer in some way?

  • 17. El G  |  June 24th, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    No matter what how much you want to defend it, soccer is the most gay sport of the modern athletics. The fact that the players of this sport roll on the grass crying for things that in another sports are menial is…the most striking evident. Compare that to Hockey, rugby, aussie rules football and yes, soccer does come up as the gay sport of modernity. They need to HTFU and adopt a real sport rather than one that encourages more theatrical abilities than athletic ones.

  • 18. chugs  |  June 24th, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    you all lose. all sport is fucking gay. it’s corrupt and only the naive and stupid believe the outcomes are anything but pre-determined

  • 19. FrankMcG  |  June 24th, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Let’s break down the sports of the world.

    Soccer- Pretty much what this article says. A glorified game of keep away. Only popular because it’s the cheapest sport to play. Sorry, world =(

    Hockey- Soccer on ice. At least it’s faster though. Faster moving players and smaller play area. Soccer could really stand to shorten the field so it isn’t 99% casually trotting down the field only to get the ball stolen by a defender rinse repeat.

    Baseball- 95% boredom waiting for the pitcher to stop shuffling and checking bases and just throw the fucking ball already. But at least 5% of the time there are some tense situations with bases loaded and one out to go.

    Basketball- The polar opposite of Soccer. Goes too far to the other extreme of being too MUCH action, to the point where scoring really doesn’t matter that much and the whole thing turns into which team averages out better over the course of several hours rather than individual exciting plays. You can just catch the highlight reels and be all set, but at least the highlights are fun to watch, unlike Soccer.

    Tennis- A great balance between nothing going on Soccer and too much going on Basketball. Fun watching jockeying for position. Only problem is half the points never last more than two or three volleys.

    Football (the real one, i.e. American)- Broken down into tactical plays where each one matters. Very minimum amount of wasted time shuffling around (Baseball, Soccer). The only reason it isn’t more popular world wide is no one outside of America can afford it.

  • 20. Allen  |  June 24th, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Just read 3,4 & 5 …

    If you’re a true soccer/football fan you’ll probably laugh and nod; I suspect if you’re some kind of North American football poser watching the sport to be better than your peers … well … let’s just say you might be the humorless type.

  • 21. Iok Sotot, Eater of Souls  |  June 24th, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    Your WC article misses so many great opportunities.
    You could have had an article about how the South African government has blown over US$10 billion building brand 8 new modern stadiums that will get used for 4 weeks before settling down to rust forever.
    You could have had an article about how the attendant infrastructure (new trains, malls, broadband, bus rapid transit etc. which cost about the same have been built in such a way that they will benefit only the richest in the most unequal (as measured by GINI co-efficient) developing country on earth.
    You could have had an article about the relocation camps the Cape Town and Johannesburg city councils are dumping the homeless in for the duration of the tournament.
    You could have had an article about the Chinese sweatshops making Vuvuzelas and other branded ticky-tacky then importing it duty free (as per FIFA demands) into a country with an unemployment rate over 30%.
    You could have had an article about the racial/class war brewing in South Africa and used the WC as a starting point in an analysis of highly flawed trickle-down economics, bread and circuses in globalised countries, the abject failure of free market commodity export orientated development strategies etc. etc.
    You could even have plucked the low hanging fruit of FIFA corruption and mega salaries of soccer officials.

    I’ve met some yank soccer fans and they said they are having a great time and that South Africa has excellent weed.

  • 22. Hammer  |  June 25th, 2010 at 12:13 am

    re livingdots:

    So now the U.S. has to flatten the entire EU to prove its worth? By the same logic if the U.S. were to win the world cup, its victory would be insignificant because it hadn’t defeated every EU team, or an EU all star team. So you dipshits are nationalists when you’re cheering your own teams, but federalists when you compare your achievements to the U.S’s. What a crock of shit.

    What I don’t understand is why the Eurofools want the U.S. to care about soccerball. Do they want US to stop, playing our sports, tear up all the fields and diamonds, and replace them with soccer pitches? Are the nuts? What would the bitch about then when we routinely beat the hell out them? Oh, that’s right: we’re a larger nation than any EU state, so our victories would be invalid. Fuck the fuck off.

  • 23. Hammer  |  June 25th, 2010 at 12:24 am

    “And btw, how many ACTUAL Americans does it REALLY have playing on its team? Look at any other country’s team and you’ll notice that 90 to 100% of their players are native-born. Look at the fucking MERCENARIES the U.S. has on ITS team and you’ll note 90-100% of them are MAKE-BELIEVE Americans”

    You’re out of your fucking mind: virtually the entire U.S. team consists of native-born Americans or immigrants who came to this country when they were very young – just like the Germano-Turko-Polish squad. Get a fucking clue you pea-brained dipshit.

    It’s the futbol playing dipshits who are frightened, not the U.S. The U.S. has made the final 16 stage twice now in the past three cups, and the game is just now catching on here. The current U.S. team is the talk of the tournament with its determined style of play and toughness. The soccerball countries know that if we start taking this game seriously, we’ll beat the stuffing out of them, and rub their faces into the turf while we’re at it. Enjoy your victories now, because by 2018, the game is ours.

  • 24. livingdots  |  June 25th, 2010 at 3:55 am

    Rely to Hammer:

    Actually, no-one that I know cares if you guys play “soccer” or not. You all need to work two jobs to make ends meet over there, and if you get cancer you go bankrupt. So go ahead, hate on soccer all you want, we really don’t give a shit. We all kind of feel sorry for your asses, actually. But you kind of do piss us off is when you, in true American form, make shit up about America being the greatest and most bad-ass nation in the world, including in the world of sports (when you clearly are not), and shit on other counties because you suck at this particular game. Your inflated ego, and huge disconnect with reality, is what is pissing everyone off, not the fact that you play baseball rather than soccer.

    That’s all. Hope you learned something here… Now you all can go back to stuffing your faces with triple-stacked burgers, you out of shape, ignorant, fat-assed retards…

  • 25. Peniso (of Uruguay)  |  June 25th, 2010 at 4:00 am

    Holy shit.
    Any column that can draw this many whining, crybabies to defend said “sport” is very, very good.

  • 26. ingeborg  |  June 25th, 2010 at 5:34 am

    I remember hearing some conservatives here whining about soccer because it was a “barbaric sport invented by the Aztecs who used a human head” or something
    Basically it was a bunch of “wah wah I hate blacks” disguised as “wah wah I hate sports who come from extinct inferior cultures”

  • 27. Rommel  |  June 25th, 2010 at 5:43 am

    …and re-subscribed. Where do I send money?

  • 28. hahahaha  |  June 25th, 2010 at 5:50 am

    @ hammer hahahahahahaha
    you my friend are a joke. Says alot to be getting so worked up about this. Nobody cares if the US plays football or not. If it does catch on, you guys finally start playing well, well done. If not, whatever!
    And the US is the talk of the tournament in the US maybe… If you make it to the semi finals that would be pretty good, otherwise there is always brazil, Spain, Holland, England, Germany and Argentina to talk about before any of the “up and coming” nations (US, Japan, Korea, Paraguay).

    btw I find it fascinating that its really only North America that has taken so long to catch on to football. The openeness to foreign ideas is really reflected by the article above, which was quite funny considering that the guy is evidently clueless about alot of things.

  • 29. lud  |  June 25th, 2010 at 6:07 am

    as Group X said it: you would give me kiss if I were on soccer team

  • 30. Mish  |  June 25th, 2010 at 6:13 am

    So I was visiting this site I like, where basically their whole schpeel is they just shit on everyone and everything because that’s how everything and everyone is – shitty – and I saw an article making fun of something I actually like!

    ARGHHH IM SO ANGRY! Don’t know what to do.. maybe I should just post a comment briefly yet forcefully showing why the thing I like isn’t that bad, or why the alternatives are even worse.

    I’ve got a better idea – let’s take down the ‘comments’ section and bring back [sic]

  • 31. DarthFurious  |  June 25th, 2010 at 6:56 am

    Well, fuck it, as long as everyone’s putting in their two cents, I’ll stick in mine. I HATE any stupid fucking team sport that involves a fucking ball. Everyone knows that the only real sports are gladiatorial (i.e., boxing, MMA, wrestling, etc.); anything else is just an excuse for closet homosexuals to rub their sweaty bodies up against each other.

    Which is fine (the sweaty homo part). I have nothing against homosexuals per se, I just don’t want to watch their uniformed, high-price foreplay.

  • 32. FrankMcG  |  June 25th, 2010 at 7:07 am

    I think #20 hit it right on the head!

    Nobody in America actually likes soccer. THe ones who claim they do “love” European sports the same way people “love” European film; it’s all just a ritual of favoriting some outside culture in order to appear wordly and sophisticated.

  • 33. Bob Who Causes Injury Rather Than Fakes Them  |  June 25th, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Best and most amusingly true article I have read in a while. I remember, when I was a child, being asked to join a local soccer league. Attracted to the vast green field, i tried for a while. Even as a young lad, it dawned upon me that this “sport” was incredibly lame. Not due to difficulty, or any other physical challenge, but simply due to a complete lack of tactics or purpose. Playing hacky sack, or running away from home-pouting-kicking-rocks-as-I-whined-a-childish-rant felt the same. Baseball, though it can be boring to watch, it is a sport that when you master it, you are on jedi status. Hitting a wicked curve ball is very difficult. When you make a mistake, ANY mistake, throughout the game, it is not rewarded, and can be crushing. I think that is why the Japanese love it so. That, and they were once a warrior culture. If you screwed up, you killed yourself, for honor. Soccer rewards mistakes. It rewards pouting. It is childish, and will never catch on in America as a whole. At least until America collapses in on itself, goes bankrupt, loses its balls…then it will likely join the rest of the world with its child-crying-kicking-rocks-no-one-loves-me-I-hate-daddy-I’m-starting-my-own-club-despite-being-picked-on spectacle. The more soccer grows with American youth, the closer we will be to collapse. Even as a kid I thought this, as the banal and talentless game for those who could not survive the roughness of football or the skill of baseball encroached upon my diamonds and gridirons.

  • 34. Pele  |  June 25th, 2010 at 9:10 am

    What a fucking idiot! If he isn’t an NHL, NFL or NBA shill, I think this degenerate needs to be euthanized.

  • 35. Dr. Luny  |  June 25th, 2010 at 9:19 am

    10. Vuvuzelas, ‘nough said.

  • 36. RecoverylessRecovery  |  June 25th, 2010 at 10:33 am

    “You’re out of your fucking mind: virtually the entire U.S. team consists of native-born Americans or immigrants who came to this country when they were very young”

    WRONG dipshit. You should be fined for leaving your fucking mouth running unattended like that. Here, go get yourself a clue;
    http://www.yanksarecoming.com/the-usa-dual-nationality-squad

    “The fact that the players of this sport roll on the grass crying for things that in another sports are menial is…the most striking evident”

    The only ‘menial’ thing here is your comment. Obviously, you’ve never received a good solid kick to the hairy twins. Probably due to the fact that your balls are like two microscopic raisins that are too tiny to pinpoint accurately. Lucky you.
    As to your comparison with yanqui sports; *I* think it’s FAGGY to wear Kevlar and other forms of ARMOR during a sporting event, unless you happen to be a riot cop assigned to guard the match. If you American faggots had your way you’d try to win every game you participate in by sending a Predator drone to kill the opposing team (and their families) while they sleep in bed the night before.

  • 37. Armen  |  June 25th, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Human beings are made for running long distances, and that’s the foundation of soccer–running. American football is for fat asses, asses used to eating cheetos and sitting on couches, on both sides of the television screen, playing armchair generals, plenty of breaks to allow the viewers mind to wander like its apt to. Baseball reflects the typical American satisfaction with self: there is no direct team-work involved, and the real competition is in the facial expressions of the pitchers and the batters that media coverage focuses on. Americans love the close-ups of the players, because they are all sensitive touchy-feely guys who yearn for another man’s touch. They are all about sappy, emotions of self-importance, thick streams of narcissistic goo that substitutes for manhood, like the chewing tobacco; tight leotards borrowed from ballerinas; the epic angst involved in hitting a ball with a stick, playing a dumbed-down version of cricket because their colonial master’s game was too complicated to figure out.

  • 38. RecoverylessRecovery  |  June 25th, 2010 at 10:53 am

    “Nobody in America actually likes soccer”

    Then we’re PAR FOR THE COURSE, because nobody in soccer actually likes America.

  • 39. fys  |  June 25th, 2010 at 11:32 am

    FrankMcG

    The reason why american football wont go global is most countries werent wise enough to import all those bulky west african males, except for maybe the caribeans and brazil, but those guys are already kicking balls around.

  • 40. Erik  |  June 25th, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    You could’ve done the perfect hatchet job on Europe wiz this WC, where the European teams has been playing like schoolgirls, but you were too lazy and too stupid.

    But then, what could you expect from people who have to put on helmets and paddings to play rugby.

    Pussies.

  • 41. jack  |  June 25th, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Running is good for you. Is watching other people run good for you too? Entertaining even? Soccer sucks because it’s boring. Ants are more interesting to watch.

  • 42. zhubajie  |  June 25th, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    The real American sport: Pro Wrestling! A lot of razzamatazz and bad acting. All outcomes pre-determined. And very, very, very, GAY.

  • 43. David  |  June 25th, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    This and the rest of the comments are examples of why the entire world sucks–but I also gargle. Not just soccer.

  • 44. Russophile  |  June 25th, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I don’t know if the author is serious or just being tongue-in-cheek, but he seems to have succeeded in goading the worst commentators out of the woodwork with his article. I’m talking about those undiscerning enough to criticize this brilliant piece of writing.

  • 45. luther  |  June 25th, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    wtf? what a stupid shit was that? reads like written by fox news and not hte exiled. football is gay? what about the armored up, assgrabbing nfla fags touching other mens asses all the time. medals? look at the ranking of the last olympics and american superiority is more dubious. at least the football world cup hast the word world in it rightly. not like the yankee crap that presumes world series in something nobody evr cared for. stick with wrestling, baseball and nfl shit. we dont care.

  • 46. wengler  |  June 25th, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Soccer is great. It’s fun to play and can produce exciting matches as well as boring ones just like any other sport.

    The Classic Exile article is crap compared to other ones. If you want to dump on the sport, why don’t you go after FIFA instead. They tried to put 2 Dutch women in jail for “unofficial advertising”. Insane!

  • 47. craptain crapper  |  June 25th, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    “soccer has taken longest to catch on in north america”

    huh? there are several north american countries, like mexico for example, that have loved it since day 1.

  • 48. FrankMcG  |  June 25th, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Oh man, I was waiting for someone to make the “Football players are pussies for wearing protection unlike real Rugby men” comment.

    You see, over here in America, we actually have a working Dentistry profession and our teeth are beautiful enough to be worth protecting. I suppose if you have a limey smile then there’s not much to worry about getting your face smashed in.

    That one comment brought up a great point: why has soccer not caught on in Asia? Because they’re too smart to fall for it? Because they’re emerging countries focused on productive teamwork rather than reminiscing about dead colonial empires and longing for the good old days of tearing their own continent apart with direct warfare instead of having to settle for a sport so base and pointless that any kid can play in in the ruins of their bombed out city?

    We might never know.

  • 49. FrankMcG  |  June 25th, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Oh man, would that make an awesome war nerd article. Discussing Europe’s insatiable need to tear itself apart every once in a while. Start out post-crusades when the lack of a common enemy kicked their self-destructiveness into overdrive. Finally work your way up to the world wars where technology got so deadly that they couldn’t take any more open wars. Finally sum up the modern warfare of soccer, a sport they had to settle for so even the poorest of bombed out Soviet bloc countries could take part in.

  • 50. war nerd  |  June 26th, 2010 at 12:26 am

    it’s Football, not soccer… dumbass.

    So the writer thinks Volley is a sport but football is not?? i think that says it all

  • 51. Langalier  |  June 26th, 2010 at 2:28 am

    I played soccer and was good at it too. Indoor soccer is more challenging and more fun too because of constant running and action. Soccer doesn’t translate well to Americans and tv. Number 1 reason- there is little scoring. Even in highschool teams are more likely to score and it’s more exciting. Soccer atheletes are not the greatest atheletes except for that short mid fielder with speed and exceptional dribbling skills. It’s too egalitarian of a sport and is culturally seen as a kiddie sport where suburban young lads and girls can play a safe sport. You don’t have to have too much skill to play soccer either especially if you’re a fullback or wing. A lot of little scrawny dudes play because it’s a quick speedy game with constant motion. It’s like jogging with a ball. It’s fun to play but definitely not hard.

    Baseball can be boring but that’s because small ball is gone, the steroid era and the homerun era is demolished so now you have a bland brand playing now. Plus MLB got rid of all the jail bird coke sniffing guys and the athletes are well behaved unlike football. The Pete roses and the tough exciting players are gone baseball needs a Darryl strawberry but with tmz everything is pc now but then again baseball is the hardest sport to play and the hardest thing to do in sports is hit a baseball. And it helps to be bulked up. The fun factor is high in baseball.

    there really is no fun factor in soccer. Scoring a goal is fun and maybe hawking down a forward or wing will get you a few cheers but everything else is untangible. Americans love tactics and strategies that provide tangible results because even if you don’t score we at least want to see a tangible progression of why you didn’t as opposed to some infielder just booting the ball down 50 yards down the field the other way. Offsides should be ditched Americans LOVE the fast break or the open field. We love 1 on 1 matchups within a game. It’s part of our individualistic culture. Soccer has a beauty to it but the Beauty is the game itself. Americans want to score and score over and over again. That’s beauty to us.

  • 52. Jerome  |  June 26th, 2010 at 6:31 am

    What a great troll article. I notice people who support futbol aren’t standing up for it by arguing against this article, but instead start bashing Americans, or American sports, as if this somehow defends futbol. Pathetic.

    Anyway, all sports are just excuses for men to touch each other. Look at how they celebrate when they score a goal, or a homerun, or a touchdown. They all pile on top of each other and commence to frottage. They just can’t wait to rub and touch each other.

    I agree with #31, though, that only gladiatorial sports are worth anything, although those are also gay, but at least they’re a manly gay, like Rob Halford and Freddie Mercury.

  • 53. Bobby  |  June 26th, 2010 at 9:40 am

    “Nothing happens during a soccer game. Nothing, that is, except the audience’s infinitesimal drift in the direction of still greater loneliness, despair and irrelevance.” Awesome. Sounds like Ames.

  • 54. RecoevrylessRecovery  |  June 26th, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    BYE BYE “Team USA”. And good riddance.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xpAqxH2Kzw

  • 55. RecoevrylessRecovery  |  June 26th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Go to SLEEP bitch.

  • 56. Kat  |  June 26th, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Jerome–
    Rob Halford I’ll give ya, but Freddy Mercury???

  • 57. Jon KIng  |  June 26th, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Great piece. Soccer is a child’s game. Boring as hell to watch.

  • 58. Jakro  |  June 26th, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Wow, the most ignorant article I’ve read on here. Sure, there’s dull games in soccer but aren’t there in any sport?

    For inexperienced eye, perhaps nothing happens in a soccer game, but when you know the game and play it there’s always plenty of things to watch.

    But the most important thing for me about soccer is that it’s easy and fun to play. All you need is a ball and something resembling a goal and you’ve got fun for a bunch of people. Who fuckin’ cares if it’s fun to watch?

    But yeah, this article is ignorant crap. There’s problems with soccer as in any sport, but the whole debate between sports is pretty pointless. If soccer sucks so fuckin’ hard then why is it the most popular sport of the world?

  • 59. Carolyn  |  June 26th, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Such a great article. What surprises me are the comments from people who are disappointed at the bitter tone. What do you come here for? Don’t we all hate things that are wrong?

  • 60. FrankMcG  |  June 26th, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    #51 nailed it. Soccer is essentially just moseying around with a ball for 10-60 seconds before someone punts it to the other team and all progress is lot and the cycle repeats itself endlessly (Hockey is basically the same as soccer except the field is smaller so there’s the constant tension of goals, players move faster, and fist fights frequently break out).

    (American) Football has definite tactics and progression. Who cares if the players can’t run marathons?

    Again, the only reason soccer is popular is that it’s cheap and kids can pick it up without having to worry about rules or organization.

  • 61. ABC123  |  June 27th, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Who the fuck have the name Genghis Goldberg, a horse riding child molesting Jew accountant?

    I hope you burn in hell Genghis Goldberg.

  • 62. littlemanrertard  |  June 27th, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    Okay this is just sad… why is this writer hating on soccer when he’s got enough worries on his own sports:

    Basketball- EU has begun to beat them in their own sport

    American Football is super gay! Look up any word relating to gay(ism) associated with American Football and you with be given results of a quarterback fondeling his team mate’s junk.BTW, lets see how proud the Americans are when the foreign players in the NFL go back to their native lands and play agaisnt the now real American team ful of beer guzzling faties. This team would be full of linemen and none who could run the 30 yards that a wide reciever or runningback is required to run, that is unless you set down a six-pack of beer in the end zone.

    Hockey is probably the only decent sport I can think of, oh wait, another thing pops up in my head. Canadians-Hockey-Not US… hmmmmmmmmmmm.

    I can go on all day (Tokyo time zone, lol), but it will not sway the OPINIONS of STUBBORN PEOPLE. Soccer is taking controversy in terms of it’s refs right now (in the World Cup), but soccer itself is still worthy enough to be called a SPORT. COMPLAINING LOSERS, SHUT UP. You would declare it the game of the century if you won every now and then, That’s called SORE LOSERS! Though straying off subject, your minds are so narrow because you all (stupid americans that hate on other countries) dont take the time to learn another language. Swim out of your comfort zone and see what others are saying. If you played against a foreign team, they more than likely know what you are saying to your teammates and their tongues sound like R2D2 to you.

    HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!

  • 63. ThierryEnnui  |  June 28th, 2010 at 4:32 am

    1. “Haircuts” – *football* is played in the main by people from poor backgrounds who have lucked out and now earn more money than nurses. Consequently they sport stupid hairstyles like any trash-with-cash you care to mention: NFL players, basketballers, gangsta rappers, country musicians etc etc.
    2. Acting hurt is a good way to get your opponent penalised. Plus when your infantile “culture” gets over acting storybook-machismo, perhaps you’ll all grow a little. After all, devious trickery has a history dating back to Odysseus and beyond (read a book some time).
    3, What’s your big problem with draws (“ties”)? Your current incursions into Iraq and Afghanistan cannot be described in any other fashion. Winners still take competitions in the long run. Perhaps if you look at the results of the war, instead of the battle?
    4. PR is basically an American capitalist invention. Celebrities desiring success is your fault.
    5-9) Author increasingly loses plot.
    Someone here tried to say that American Football is the only real sport. Really? Something that stops every six seconds, played by poor trash on steroids and painkillers, loaded up on body armour? You don’t even realise the dystopian nightmare you live in, do you?

  • 64. Bro Karamazov  |  June 28th, 2010 at 6:46 am

    At least our football is watchable unlike yours “americal rules Rugby football” or whatever you call it.

  • 65. ramona  |  June 28th, 2010 at 8:23 am

    face it, redneck usa, you’re not welcome. Stick to your idiot baseball and the bastardized rugby you’s call nfl if you could spell.

  • 66. slake  |  June 28th, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    You forgot the latest annoyance:

    BzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • 67. blargh  |  June 28th, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    If you don’t like football specifically, out of all the sports out there, then you just never played it.

    There’s a lot more to it than what’s visible at a glance.

    If football was really as boring and inferior to american sports as americans like to think then their superior abilities would allow americans to actually be half decent at the game. I think it must be because steroids or anything like that won’t give you any advantage in soccer at all, so americans can’t bioengineer themselves to the top in this one sport, like they usually do.

    Barry Bonds’ giant cranium wouldn’t help him much in this game, sorry. And the lanky klutzes from the NBA would just fall over constantly, not to mention most NFL players wouldn’t make it from one goal to the other without a 6 minute break every few yards.

    It’s basically the best sport. Try playing it once and you’ll see.

  • 68. sidekickinthebutt  |  June 28th, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    I found this article amusing, and I like soccer a lot.

    One certain thing is that anyone who believes the unpopularity of American football outside America is caused by anything other than the inherent characteristics of the game is an idiot, though. No one outside North America would give two shits about that sport even if they could more than afford to all the equipment.

    And I like American football as well. I just know that it will never take off outside the US for entirely logical reasons.

  • 69. Bo rudda  |  June 29th, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Soccer athletes aren’t that athletic. The people who play soccer couldn’t cut it in any other sport. Their smalll, scrawny are relatively fast, can’t jump, lack upper body strength. I mean it’s the only sport where the highlight is eating fruit slices and drinking pouch drinks.

    We dominate the olympics what makes you think we wouldn’t dominate the olympics if our best athletes played? Real men don’t play soccer. You know why. Because hot chicks don’t get with soccer players in America. Maybe in other countries it’s different. If you look like the avg person who looks like he can be beaten up, hey you’re not playing a real sport. We like athletes who look like athletes who look the part not look like ref. Soccer is a kiddie sport that you grow out of, like gymnastics and karate. It’s like watching cross country players kick a ball. That’s what they’re built like. If this was a track team soccer players would be restricted to the steeple chase and 2 mile run. Football-shot put, javelin, discus, long jump, triple jump, sprints. Basically all the exciting events.

    Soccer is too restrictive in rules, regulations, and gameplay. The yellow card comes out way too much. The offside penalty needs to be thrown away. The goal needs to be longer and wider. What skill is there to be a goalie? Bunch of midgets running An endurance race on a field kicking a ball with no scoring. Brazil makes soccer look cool and challenging at least.

    All other sports have a variation of people in size. Soccer they are all built the same with exception of a few.

    Basically soccer lacks variety.

  • 70. Bo rudda  |  June 29th, 2010 at 1:38 am

    Also soccer fans are pussy. They are just a bunch of people who look like people from the PETA organization who find creative ways to riot. Bunch of bill nye’s with with pent up sexual frustration.

    I guarantee hockey and football fans would whoop a soccer fans ass. Baseball fans might be your only challenge. Damn sure not fucking with a NASCAR fan. Basketball fans woud win too.

    Espn shows cheerleading competitions and rodeo shows more than they do soccer. How pathetic.

  • 71. Maciano  |  June 29th, 2010 at 5:51 am

    The writer of this piece isn’t necessarily making statements about football. He’s mostly displaying his own supposed superiority why he’s smarter (boring matches), cooler (haircuts, stupid names) and all-round more civilized nature for not liking the beautiful game than all those clueless proles around the world who do. Not one of the arguments, except maybe boredom (which is a more an opinion), is even remotely on topic. This, of course, isn’t a coincidence.

    Senseless criticisms of sport are symptomatic of endomorph men with inferior athletic skills. Such men must emphasize other ways of expressing excellence, because they can’t compete with other men in sports – sexual selection discontent 101. Those who can’t do sports, come to resent it; their resentment will lead to a lack of interest and ultimately to the self deceptive idea that the fault lies not in them, but in the sport: “See, football is boring!” The lack of athleticism creates envy – pathetic, yet entirely understandable.

    The senseless dig at Western European social democratic egalitarianism is par for the course among American patriotards. One can hardly expect better of neocon cattle. But to connect social democracy to a supposed lack of will to win in sports is just stupid. Only a fact-free person would argue that countries like Germany haven’t performed well in each and any sporting event they took part in. (In fact, the relation is even reversed: the most socialist European countries even outperformed the capitalist ones for a while, because sports became a sort of implicit advertisement for supposed socialist superiority.) The American chauvinist therefore makes up his own world; non-Americans who don’t play American sports are a bunch of faggots. Those who don’t watch or like NBA or NFL matches, but instead, o horrors, boring football just don’t know sports.

  • 72. tim  |  June 29th, 2010 at 9:02 am

    I was teetering on the edge of writing something, then saw #71′s comments, which pretty much sum it all up.
    On the other hand, kids who are great at sports, and the children of those who are great at sports automatically gravitate towards each other and form genuinely obnoxious royalties from around the 3rd grade on. I have an 11 year old cousin by marriage whose dad played pro football- what a spoiled, unpleasant kid, in spite of his dad’s being absolutely blase about his glory days.
    A propos the article, and every one of the comments- why the focus on ball-centered spectator sports? What about cycling, running, climbing, or for that matter, boxing? The discussion is limited.

  • 73. good 'ol johnny  |  June 29th, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many whiny bitches at work in an exiled comments section before.

    Great work Genghis

  • 74. Christopher Carr  |  June 29th, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    “The crowd in France cheered as well. They must be ancestors, I thought, of people who cheered their French army for almost stopping the Nazis. Hey, they had good footwork, too.”

    Great.

  • 75. Soccer Sucks  |  June 29th, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    http://soccersucks.net/

  • 76. dddd  |  June 30th, 2010 at 1:12 am

    well.. you really didn’t come up with any real argument..

    so you are the real “pseudo intelelctual”.

    On the other hand I can say comparing modern soccer with that what we had 30 years ago I can say modern players are.. IDK. absolute pussies? They simulate all the f**g time, cry, fell down when someone touches them, are afraid to play powerful football.
    Just compare the tank Pele was to any top player now. Pele would get kicked, roll face first in dirt and still was good to continue. Nowdays the player would probably be hospitalized in reanimation.
    Because they do not have passion anymore, they better avoid any contact, so they can ensure they don’t get any injuries and can keep earning money. That’s not the way legends are born.

    Also I think it is unfair this sport has such a popularity and salaries are enormous, when we know ice-hockey players work and play twice as hard and earn 5 times less

  • 77. Bansali  |  June 30th, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Football is a way by which bullshit third world rubbish nations can get back at those nations which actually have a good standard of living and do matter. Brazil full of barrios is a football superpower while the U.S.A,China and Russia are not. Agreed that the U.S.A is on its way down but in international politics how much does Brazil matter compared to the U.S.A, China or Russia?
    Football is also used by African hellholes to get at their former colonial masters or any damn rich European nation because they are just pissed and jealous. Instead of trying to improve their nations they try venting their anger and frustration via sports like football and yet they fail! Except Ghana they all came as pathetic losers. ha.

    This same tactic is used by rubbish nations like Pakistan, Sri-Lanka and the West Indies in Cricket. How else can they get at those rich Englishmen or Australians? By defeating them in cricket matches. And yet those rich White Australians have the history of picking up the Cricket World Cup for the most times.
    Sports is masturbation for loser nations.

  • 78. Captain  |  June 30th, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Has anyone considered that this article is, like, a satire?

  • 79. Sergey  |  July 1st, 2010 at 12:18 am

    The only spot on part is about rolling on the field/etc, I’m guessing that is due to the way fouls are given when referee is often far away and there are no replies. On the other hand I’d much prefer getting pushed or thrown to the ground as in american football than running ahead full speed and then getting kicked in the legs like in football. The latter hurts much more :)
    The rest is just bs; soccer has tactics, clear outline between teams, dynamics (in non-crap games), and emotional impact because there are few goals and awesome pieces of individual skill, the ones replies of which you don’t like. I don’t see how lack of instant gratification due to constant scoring would be a problem.
    As for being tired; guess what, running for 10-15km non stop (that’s approx. how much players cover in 90min), while kicking the ball /participating in tackles/pushing around/jumping is much more demanding than skating and falling with breaks every 2 minutes. It’s not the pushes or strikes, it’s the actual leg fatigue why they’d rather not continue.

    In any case what’s the competition? Of all the team sports practiced in the USA on large scale only hockey has redeeming qualities (hey, it’s almost as good as football), the only problem being 2 hours of breaks and ads for 1 hour of gameplay.

    Basketball is rinse repeat crystallized. Team one runs, scores, team 2 runs, scores, team runs, scores, team 2 runs, doesn’t score. Snore.
    American “football” is bunch of guys groping each other in a huge heap of gay, then one of them breaks out and bam, 7 points! Repeat. Snooooore.
    Watching baseball is like watching grass grow. I won’t be able to type enough “o”-s.
    Why couldn’t you guys at least stick to polo, like other British subjects?

    I totally agree with commenter up top; US is not very good at it; it hardly requires you to be a jock to excel; you have to actually concentrate on the play instead of watching yet another goal between Buds.
    Last but not least, it’s much harder to fit advertising and auxiliary entertainment in, which means smart American marketers are not as interested in selling it to dumb American consumers as other sports :)

  • 80. RecoverylessRecovery  |  July 1st, 2010 at 10:51 am

    “We dominate the olympics..”

    You ALSO dominate my DICK ..with your MOUTH.

  • 81. sol  |  July 1st, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    German dude has a Luanne from “King of the Hill” hairdo.

  • 82. Maciano  |  July 1st, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    “Football is a way by which bullshit third world rubbish nations can get back at those nations which actually have a good standard of living and do matter.”

    Most football champions are European countries with high standards of living. The South American countries with trophies (Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay) aren’t too bad either, at least not by world standards.

    “Sports is masturbation for loser nations.”

    No. Sport bashing is symptomatic of non-athletic men who can’t compete with those who can.

    “Has anyone considered that this article is, like, a satire?”

    Sure, if a joke backfires, it’s always repositioned as satire. All of us who were critical of the writer were also satirical. Didn’t you notice?

  • 83. alekset  |  July 1st, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    To the guy who said that soccer plays aren’t athletic…WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

    Have you ever actually played a competitive game of soccer, i’m guessing no and you’re a fat slob who chooses to judge the superior athleticism of soccer players eventhough you are in all probability a fat slob.

    They can’t jump?! Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen what happens during a set piece..jesus christ your ignorance shines through beautifully with that statement.

  • 84. jyo  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 1:57 am

    may be this guy was fucked simultaneously by a whole soccer team!!

  • 85. jyo  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 2:02 am

    the Article is so idiotic..the fuckin reasons can be applied to ny sport and u will call it shit?????? fuck off!!!

  • 86. ABC123  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 7:30 am

    This retard only likes sports where you can win simply by being fat and disgusting. Play american football? Yeah, just gain 100 kilos and walk over to the other side, you are too fat to be stopped. Play hockey? Just gain another 100 kilos and you are so fat you block the whole goal.

    Also, I hope you get hit by a car, get paralyzed from the neck down and end up in a wheel chair being analy raped by your caretakers.

  • 87. sanity_talks  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 9:24 am

    ^sure, the football linemen are steroid and pain killer infused meatheads that are adapted to the most brainless position in sports.

    but hockey goalies are definitely NOT fat. they’re required to be extremely flexible and have the reaction time of cats. i guess you haven’t seen/played a game of hockey. but for this thread, actual knowledge doesn’t count for much.

    and anyway, the article was a (bad) satire. genghis goldberg would have been more effective if he had pointed out how spectator sports has resulted in idiot fans who really don’t notice much else.

  • 88. Bo rudda  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 10:58 am

    To alekset,

    actually I did play soccer and was the fastest and most athletic person on my team. They don’t have basketball quickness or hops. Soccer players are usually short and Do theater as a second extra curricular activity. I was one of the best players on my team and we were good too. Got recruited to play for a traveling team but declined because I wasn’t all that interested in soccer. Was more of a track and basketball person.

    I’m just telling you the truth. Soccer players in America are only good at one sport. Soccer. Maybe in other countries in different but soccer requires no extra athletic ability.

  • 89. tim  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Note how, as long as this thread stays alive, they don’t post anything new.

  • 90. I'm channeling Wotan right now  |  July 2nd, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    “No. Sport bashing is symptomatic of non-athletic men who can’t
    compete with those who can.”

    Oh, yeah. Coz all you beer-swilling flag-waving soccer fags are SO athletic… Fuck off. About all the exercise you dumb fucks get is flag-waving and glass-raising, and the only reason you’re not yet as disgustingly fat and unfit as Yanks is that you can’t afford to eat at McDonalds so often.

  • 91. Maciano  |  July 3rd, 2010 at 8:43 am

    “I’m just telling you the truth. Soccer players in America are only good at one sport. Soccer. Maybe in other countries in different but soccer requires no extra athletic ability.”

    And we all know that outside the US nothing really matters. What do they know?

  • 92. Twoms  |  July 3rd, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Great article. Soccer is great for those kids that have no skill, so it has its place. Judging from all the great acting, its also for drama school rejects.

  • 93. Nikola  |  July 3rd, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    “actually I did play soccer and was the fastest and most athletic person on my team. They don’t have basketball quickness or hops. Soccer players are usually short and Do theater as a second extra curricular activity. I was one of the best players on my team and we were good too. Got recruited to play for a traveling team but declined because I wasn’t all that interested in soccer. Was more of a track and basketball person.

    I’m just telling you the truth. Soccer players in America are only good at one sport. Soccer. Maybe in other countries in different but soccer requires no extra athletic ability.”

    Soccer requires speed, quickness, stamina, tactical awareness, positional awareness, good control of the ball, shooting and passing – all this without brakes every couple of minutes. Who gives a fuck about your crappy amateur team and what kind of an indication are they of what soccer is about anyway? For all I know, my friends and I, playing soccer recreationally every week, would make a better team than yours. You were fast and athletic? By all means, get on the track, soccer requires more than just speed.

  • 94. Nikola  |  July 3rd, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    * “without breaks”

  • 95. Jim bob scob  |  July 3rd, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Europeans only defense of anything soccer “you just don’t get it”. Oh we get it we just don’t care for it. Soccer is not hard to get. There is nothing complex about soccer. There’s no deep in game strategy or offensive changes. You run loose sets and lineups and decide if you want 4 defenders or 4 forwards or what part of the field you want to attack. Other than that it’s based on footskill, playing together and having a feel for your teammates.

    It’s not a manly game. Our women won twice in the last 20 years. That’s because it’s a woman dominated sport because the culture of female sports dictate it. Most big name colleges don’t even have mens soccer teams.

    Lol at the dudes in here saying our athletes are fat. The funny thing is all those “fat” dudes are bigger, stronger, faster, quicker than you. But then again those fat dudes only play certain positions. But how does it feel that USA has the biggest and best athletes in the world.

    Lebron James. Best athlete in the world. Tiger woods most famous. Michael Jordan best athlete ever. Muhammad Ali. Greatest. boxer. Gretzky greatest hockey player (Canada) but made American money and to us is basically an American.

    Our military Is stronger and faster our special operations are better. Our cyclist are better. We jump higher. We swim faster. Only things most coutries can do better than us is ping pong, badminton, squash, chess, curling,

    Who does Europe have David beckham?

  • 96. McKormack McKinney The Fourth Part II  |  July 3rd, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    –AMERICA enters stage left

    –EUROPE silently sits in the corner, rocking himself, eyes moist.

    AMERICA says: Stop being a little pussy and stand up like a fucking man. You’re crying for Christ’s sake…and what’s with the knee high socks?

    EUROPE, eyes now dripping: Leave me alone! You just don’t understand football.

    AMERICA: “Fooooootball.”

    EUROPE: Stop making fun of me!

    AMERICA: You know what? Keep your goddamn “fooooootball.” It’s all you got anyways.

    –AMERICA exits stage right…door shuts.
    –EUROPE stares into the darkness, remembering when he used to matter. He picks up his “football” and rubs it till the burning sense of envy dissipates.

  • 97. Twisted_Colour  |  July 4th, 2010 at 1:50 am

    Soccer is almost as gay as American football.

  • 98. jixiang  |  July 4th, 2010 at 4:21 am

    I agree that the degree of attention many people pay to football (that’s it’s real name, not soccer) around the world is absurd, however it certainly is the greatest of all sports. If football is so popular everywhere except for the US, the Indian subcontinent and a few scattered former British colonies, there must be a reason. In fact, there are several: it is egalitarian, in that you don’t need to be tall, strong or anything else. It is simple and universal, and doesn’t require any special or expensive gear. It is exciting, and the fact that you score so rarely in football is exactly what makes it so exciting when there is a goal.

  • 99. Dodo  |  July 4th, 2010 at 6:21 am

    you guys should learn to stop worring and love soccer…

  • 100. אברהם  |  July 4th, 2010 at 8:09 am

    @Jim bob scob

    Best military in the world? Our forces are losing to guys with IEDs, the military equivalent of vuvuzelas.

  • 101. Anna P  |  July 4th, 2010 at 11:26 am

    bitter much? it’s football. also, no northern european women called ute, probably three called petra. and we’re all gay.

    isn’t the us the new europe anyways: narrowminded, (de facto) colonial state that used to matter but will continue to blantantly overestimate own importance. it’s all BRIC now..

  • 102. FrankMcG  |  July 4th, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    I like the comment that soccer was a kiddie sport that most people grow out of like Karate and gymnastics.

    Yup, pretty much.

    And also that it’s like watching a cross country team run a couple miles while kicking a ball.

    Yup, pretty much. Have marathon runners dribble a ball and that’s about how exciting soccer is (marathons aint exciting to watch).

    Honestly the closest psuedo sport to soccer in America is Nascar. 99.9% boring running around the track where things only happen 0.1% of the time. But at least that 0.1% is spectacular fiery crashes instead of mullet heads jumping on each other while a fat dude yells “goal”.

  • 103. FrankMcG  |  July 4th, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    and also the comment that people who played soccer couldn’t do any other sport.

    Now that I think about it, all the soccer players in high school and college never played another sport. And those that did other sports never played soccer. Plus all the soccer players WERE drama club types.

    There’s just nothing transferable from soccer to any other sports. Soccer requires a little stamina, but not enough for cross country or the 2 mile (don’t kid yourselves that soccer players are constantly running, people. 80% of games are them slowly trotting the field). Soccer requires a little footwork, but not enough to excel at Basketball, Tennis, or American Football. You sometimes jump a little in soccer, but not enough to make you good at Basketball. The overall lack of team coordination also means you’ll never make it in baseball or (American) football.

    Why does nationalistic dick waving have to come into it? Can’t we just admit that soccer is a kiddie sport that’s only popular because it’s easy for poor, unorganized kids to pick up?

  • 104. Allen  |  July 4th, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    American attitudes about Soccer probably do explain why it cannot field a decent soccer team. It’s no wonder America will never win a world cup when every one in America thinks soccer is for untalented un-athletic people.

    We’re talking about a country of 400 million with the best sports development programs in the world (and who do not shy away from chemical enhancements; after all, winning isn’t everything it’s the only thing … to not cheat is to not try hard enough).

    They even manage to be competitive in ice hockey, for god’s sake, even though outside of the North East, and a few frozen over states like Minnesota, no one knows what that is.

    But they consistently fail at “football”; I mean this article has some hilariously fair criticisms … but all the macho posturing b.s. over a sport Americans can’t even play is a little silly.

  • 105. Hancock Appleseed  |  July 4th, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    What is the average height of a soccer player?

    How come they look like they don’t lift weights?

    What’s up with all the ticky tack yellow cards?

    Why are players always diving and faking?

    I believe in following the pussy and the pussy says it wants a big buff type man. A Tarzan looking guy. Europeans are great at philosophy, fashion and culture. You are more caring and open. The men are in touch with their feelings. You love small cars, tea, scones and crumpets and royalty. Nothing wrong with that. I love Europe but they just aren’t built for brutal sports since Rome fell.

    America is the new Rome. We like physical sports. We love working and making money. We like everything big. We like our steaks big we like big burgers we love big breast and ass. We like our cars huge. We love porn stars with huge schlongs. We are sophisticated cavemen. And we don’t apologize for it. We’re gladiators, we love guns and violence. Yep to Europe we are dumb brutes and you know what we don’t care. But in reality you want to be us.

  • 106. FrankMcG  |  July 5th, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    Just a little context for people perplexed by the extreme hate of this sport from Americans:

    Trust me, it’s NOT bitterness about not having a winning team. We really just don’t care about the sport. We yawn and move on.

    The thing is, for the past 10 years or so there have been repeated efforts by corporate sponsors to import it here to the states. Not only is it a sport that 99% of the population finds dull, but the corporate fakeness of the “soccer fever” promotions is obnoxiously obvious. Their last big attempt was hiring and hyping up David Beckham as the sport’s lord Jesus Christ only for him to instantly get injured and sit out.

    A double reason to resent attempts for the sport to catch on is that American soccer fans are phonies themselves. They’re the “microbrew crowd” who, like the article says, are so desperate to think of themselves as removed from American consumer culture that they’ll latch on to anything anti-mainstream America that they can. They don’t actually like soccer, just the opportunity it gives them act snooty and cultured, so of course they’re annoying and part of the hatred for that is transferred over to the sport itself.

    So when you see all this hate for the sport seemingly out of nowhere, what you’re really saying is our country collectively saying, “Dear corporate sponsors: Please stop trying to import soccer. We don’t want it.”
    Really our natural reaction to the game is to just yawn and move on, but the obnoxious corporate efforts to force it on us transforms that indifference into a backlash of hatred.

    It also doesn’t help that you guys can’t stop calling it “the world’s greatest game”.

  • 107. Fred Freedom  |  July 6th, 2010 at 8:43 am

    First off, most boneheads on both sides of this argument don’t get that this article is tongue-in-cheek. Sheesh, people. Did the author have to wave an “irony” flag?

    Second, the American anti-soccer blatherings here are so pathetic that they must surely be written by commie America haters to make us Americans look dumb.

    Americans hate soccer because (a) there are no breaks for advertisers, so it can’t be on TV, and most American jocks can’t get off their lardasses to actually play ANY sports, so they confuse watching sports with actually participating, and (b) it’s a truly democratic sport with simple rules and no specialized or expensive equipment, which negates the American advantage in fake sports like golf, baseball, bobsledding, curling, bowling, etc etc. And NFL football, while in fact a sport played by athletes, is about 10 minutes of action over three hours… Great if you like watching commercials on TV, which is of course the TRUE great American pastime.

    Oh, and America’s nativist reightwingers have convinced themselves that soccer is an immigrant sport, so they hate it even more because they hate Central Americans and their work ethic, getting us our produce cheaply, undercutting the wages of illiterate native-born Americans who expect and easy job at high pay for life. Plus free Social Security money when our diabetes makes us unable to work or play any sport except maybe baseball.

  • 108. Allen  |  July 6th, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Hancock Appleseed:

    Surely an exercise ironic platitudes? Is there a more unhealthy and sad lot than Americans? They worship a hand picked, trained, steroid fueled, elite; this is an exercise in vicarious wish-identification; this does not make them “big” healthy “cavemen”. They are, famously, the fattest, most sallow and rotten, unhealthy people possibly on the entire planet.

    They work more for pathetically diminishing gains, if they are lucky to sustain a mcmansion in the middle of nowhere, or if they are not, just to stay afloat a little longer while their fast food time saver diet and undiagnosed medical problems (because they won’t see a doctor) work at bringing heir lives to an early close — not that they have much free time to make anything worth while out of them anyway.

    No wonder a mass participation sport like soccer fails so badly; their are no masses to “participate”.

  • 109. Hancock Appleseed  |  July 6th, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Allen,

    lol you got it wrong sir. There is no “trained” or “handpicked” elite athletic class. America is an individualistic culture and who ever is the best gets the best. Most great athletes came from poor conditions. Face it we’re naturally more atheletic than your country. We don’t need steroids to compete against you, just against ourselves.

    We’re fat cause we can afford it. Point blank period. Our exceptional way of life allows it. When you get to be where America is at, hopefully you’ll have an abundance problem too. But that’s the thing we have fat people but we also have 80% of the best athletes in the world. Like the other guy said. Our army is an unmatched machine. As far as physical skills we can’t be matched. It’s a world of fat or fit with little in between.

    Making a diss about mansions is like saying you’re a meanie. You got me there. Our motto: If anyone can do it, then it’s not a real sport. Free time is for losers without jobs and careers. And we could careless if someone doesn’t go to the doctor. This is a survival of the fittest society not a kumbaya let’s all be one country.

    (I’m not some redneck country flag waving right winger either. So this isn’t some I love ‘merica shotgun speech)

    If America is so sad, why is everone trying to come here?

  • 110. domark3  |  July 7th, 2010 at 3:59 am

    The article is a bit literally exaggerated, of course. But I support the author’s negative opinion to soccer as a show. It seems boring to me also. Though playing soccer itself on the fresh air under any weather condition is much more useful action in terms of health. I hardly understand also the fan’s joy or regret depending on result. In both cases it brings only a lot of harm to “peacefull population”, especially in night time due to loud sounds of
    drunken goons (bydlo).

  • 111. Allen  |  July 7th, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Hancock,

    I can only read your post as irony. I applaud your efforts; though, believe it or not, I have lived in the U.S.A. and still visit it on occasion, so I have some belief you may be serious. Still I’ll stick on the side of safe disbelief.

    No one seriously believes the American superiority brochure crap anymore, if anyone ever did. (And that includes Americans). Well maybe in some isolated gated communities of nearly identical box-house mcmansions they still do … I dunno parts of like North/South Carolina or something. Texas perhaps.

  • 112. RecoverylessRecovery  |  July 7th, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    “If America is so sad, why is everone trying to come here?”

    To collect on all the money you people owe them?

  • 113. Kevin  |  July 8th, 2010 at 6:30 am

    Bah. The numbers are against you. Americans just seem stupid when they rail against football (soccer to those who don’t know anything about the game). There’s a reason that sports like basketball (yay-a-score-yay-a-score-yay-a-score-what’s-the-score-now?-200/199-who-cares-who-wins-this-gay-nonsense) and NFL football (runny-catchy-slap-your-ass-and-you-slap-mine) aren’t popular anywhere except the USA – they totally suck. The only ‘sports’ that are gayer are WWE and UFC, which Americans also lap up. Oh, how we laugh at you.

  • 114. FrankMcG  |  July 8th, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Ha ha ha ha ha

    http://www.theonion.com/video/soccer-officially-announces-it-is-gay,17603/

  • 115. Lebron James  |  July 8th, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    I am bigger than the world cup. I had the world going nuts. Decision 2010 was bigger than 08. I am king James and the world is my court. Soccer is beneath me. I am a one man economy. China is my next move. The world is mine.

  • 116. RecoverylessRecovery  |  July 10th, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    “Our army is an unmatched machine.”

    Your precious “unmatched machine” has been getting its ASS KICKED -for the last 9 years-by a ragtag army that has absolutely NO NAVY, NO TANKS and not ONE fucking single airplane to provide them with aerial support.

    Stupid.

  • 117. fuck you  |  July 12th, 2010 at 2:58 am

    we here in europe’s first world countries, don’t call it soccer. It’s called FOOTBALL, the kind of sport you american idiot don’t seem to understand. So take your sissy-american-football and stick it up your ass, you stupid cunt! FC BARCELONA4EVER – THIS IS FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!

  • 118. Frank  |  July 12th, 2010 at 4:53 am

    This pathetic piece reads like something out of a little 5 year old gay boy diary.
    Lighten the fuck up. No one gives a shit about american sports anyway so getting all defensive doesn’t work out well for you.
    Just because the rest of the world doesn’t like to watch male steroid grab ass with look-alike rugby balls, you don’t get to call what a “sport” is. American pussies like you are the sorts that don’t have a clue and get owned all over the world, be it an international european airport or a street in Iraq. Enjoy the downfall.

  • 119. The Last Fenian  |  July 13th, 2010 at 3:55 am

    “we here in europe’s first world countries, don’t call it soccer. It’s called FOOTBALL,”

    BZZZZT! Wrong. Thank you for playing. “Football” means Gaelic football, as played by the GAA. Only Australians are men enough to play a variant of same. Eurofags, in common with fags from other continents, play faggotball, aka “soccer”.

  • 120. FrankMcG  |  July 13th, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Note how every soccer fan comment, rather then addressing any of the valid criticisms of the game, just settle for “Americans r fat”, a comment lazier than the imagined American stereotype in their minds.

    One last time: we honestly, in all seriousness, just don’t care about the game. Insulting us that we can’t field a good team is about as insulting as a little girl telling you she can do more cartwheels than you. Good for her, only no one cares about gymnastics.

  • 121. ABC123  |  July 13th, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    Spain: “Do you want to play some soccer USA?”

    USA: “No!”

    Argentine: “Come on, the whole world plays, are you just gonna sit there?”

    USA: “Well, okay then, what are the rules?”

    Denmark: “Just kick the ball in to the goal”

    ***USA makes a big media fuss, plays and looses horrible***

    France: “Wow, you really, really sucked at that”

    USA: “Fuck you, it’s not a real game, it’s gay, you suck “¤#%¤”#%#%!!!”

    Italy: “What do we play then?”

    USA: “Baseball”

    Spain: “Ok, just hit the ball and run, right?”

    USA: “Just read this 12 page PDF-file: http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/downloads/y2008/official_rules/01_objectives_of_the_game.pdf

    Germany: “Goddamned you’re such a douchebag”

  • 122. Sgt fowler  |  July 16th, 2010 at 1:40 am

    Our army can’t just drop bombs and nukes in Afghanistan. We have the ability to. So getting our ass kicked is not the right word. This is not your typical war. Soldiers are taught to hold fire to stabilize a siuation.

    We’re fighting europe’s war as well because their soldiers are too pussy to fight. If a war broke out between Europe and America we would easily win.

    Oh and soccer sucks. Soldiers out here play no pads tackle football.

  • 123. RecoverylessRecovery  |  July 20th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    “If a war broke out between Europe and America we would easily win.”

    I’m surprised you read The Exiled. You sound more like a Marvel Comics kinda guy. Boy. Child.

    Whatever.

  • 124. PDB  |  July 24th, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Pussies

    http://ddr.theoffside.com/files/2008/08/bs060617wej351.jpg

  • 125. John Sullivan  |  August 15th, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Where did the stuff about lesbians come from?

  • 126. Ken  |  August 21st, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Why Soccer Still Sucks

    I was gonna link to my bullshit blog, but realized how lame and insignificant I am.

  • 127. mrhits  |  August 24th, 2010 at 7:06 am

    this is typical nerd, internet, one sided speil bullshit.
    its hilarious though.

  • 128. John Marshal  |  September 3rd, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    U suck t soccer, fakers are annoying but not as anoyying as ur rants

  • 129. carlo  |  September 5th, 2010 at 7:55 am

    there was one error in the article!
    roberto baggio NEVER DID what the article said:
    the penalty kick was given because the chilean defender TOUCHED THE BALL WITH HIS HAND!!
    there was no contact! baggio didn’t simulate!
    however, funny article. very americana.

  • 130. Santiago  |  October 1st, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Soccer is the oldest sport and if u fuckin haters think soccer is dumb then watch baseball. Now that’s a dumb sport. The world cup is the most watched sport in the world. So to the idiot that wrote this shit, get ur facts straight u dumb shit

  • 131. charity w  |  October 18th, 2010 at 1:55 am

    wawawawa…its not the real sheet

  • 132. Joel  |  October 23rd, 2010 at 8:47 am

    I am American and thought this article was total bullshit….. And then I read all the comments and thought they were even more bullshit.
    In the USA soccer has huge fans just like in Europe, but in smaller numbers (sure) because the sport scene has been taken over by American Football and basketball etc.

    I think hockey is the worst fucken sport ever. I think its so gay…. what is gayer then grown men smashing other men onto ‘walls’ with loads of padding on. Hockey is a terrible sport……. I just cant even conceive how people watch hockey at all……. no surprise the NHL didnt play a season….. which I didnt even know until the Winter Olympics told me.

    And most of you have Americans all wrong……. the ones you think about are the ones in the south (the ones nobody really likes in the north anyways).

    One World Cup USA will win……..

  • 133. Kevin  |  October 26th, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    @#132
    Fuck. You. Hockey is an awesome sport. We don’t trip and act. We can ACTUALLY take hits. Of course you would need padding to get hit against glass. IT’S GLASS YOU MORON! Using physics, we determine that Force times distance is Work, which is energy. Big force in small distances (Being body checked by a skating 86 kg, 184 lbs, into a wall a few inches away) means pain. You’d probably die from that. Now if you excuse me. I’m sitting in my home in the United States laughing at soccer fans. Let’s go Sharks!

  • 134. SoccerSucksOhYeah  |  January 25th, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Yeah soccer sure sucks alright. I mean why oh why would you want to watch 22 friggin guys running around doing literally NOTHING. Yeah sure, they run, slide, jump, whatever but without ANY results. Sure, if you’re lucky you’ll get 1 or maybe 2 goals every 5 matches or so but gimme a friggin break. I understand the short attention span problem but 90+ friggin minutes minimum? That’s just having nothing else to do and that is sad. And THAT is why SOCCER SUCKS.

  • 135. Fuck Roberto Baggo  |  January 29th, 2011 at 1:43 am

    Hey Carlo! Roberto Baggio is a fag ang you beat off to his poster on your wall! Baggio sucks, always has sucked and always will suck, like you.

  • 136. Bill  |  February 5th, 2011 at 6:32 am

    Loved the article. It is spot on. I love to read how the soccer nazis react when someone pushes back on them. LOL.

  • 137. Phil  |  February 17th, 2011 at 8:29 am

    The level of butt-hurt by Eurofags in this thread is amazing.

  • 138. Football FAn  |  February 27th, 2011 at 10:23 am

    You’re the most stupid and ignorant person on the earth. DIE

  • 139. Football FAn  |  February 27th, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Do you know really why americans don’t like football? Because they know that they will never win against Spain, Brazil, Italy, Germany, Argentina, France, England. They suck at this and they know that; so they say that football is gay and others things. You also insult Roberto Baggio, one of the best players, without knowing him.
    The end: DEARS OBESE AMERICANS STOP GOING TO MCDONALD AND BEGIN PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!

  • 140. Football FAn  |  February 27th, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Someone before me said that football is not hard to get, it’s not complex????!!!! I want to see this obese american plays against CRISTIANO RONALDO, LIONEL MESSI, WAYNE ROONEY, DIDIER DROGBA, FERNANDO TORRES; then we will see if football is so simple as you think!!!

  • 141. soccerr faannnn :)  |  February 28th, 2011 at 10:57 am

    bhahahaha.
    i would suck every american’s balls in all of america when they win the world cup or produce a world class player like Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi :(

  • 142. Tariq  |  March 10th, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    I loved every single word this guy has said, soccer sucks, lol

  • 143. Soccer rules  |  March 26th, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    The idiot fag who wrote this is jealus because his pussy ass cant play soccer and she wishes she could but clearly cant so she down cuts all the other players and reasons why he says soccer suck.

  • 144. Soccer rules  |  March 26th, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    This dudes wife is getting fucked by a soccer player.

  • 145. Bean  |  April 11th, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I usually don’t comment on sites like these, but this article was just too amazing to leave alone. I give props to the person who wrote this.

    I LOVE how everyone that hates America in one way or another ignorantly calls us “obese”. At least try to be rude and call us fat. Furthermore, I might know one or two “obese” people out of my entire group of friends, all the students I graduated with, and my family. In fact, the majority of the people I know could be classified as underweight, including myself.

    Another thing, baseball is not America’s favorite sport, it’s its pastime. Football (American Football, as in, not soccer) is by far America’s favorite, and most spectated sport.

    In addition, even if the U.S. won a World Cup, it would probably grasp little to no more attention from anyone else that doesn’t already watch it. Why? Because we have a PLETHORA of other (and better) sports here that we are almost always #1 in the world in. Excluding American Football, even though it is played over in Europe, we are almost always at the top in ice hockey, baseball, basketball, tennis, and virtually any other sport that may be included in the Olympics, such as all swimming events, gymnastics, skiing, snowboarding, etc.

    And some people are saying we play sports that aren’t violent? Huh? They’ve obviously never seen ice hockey, lacrosse, or football. In the NFL last year, there were 154 concussions in the first eight weeks(around 250 games for those of you who can’t do math) of the season. So, quite clearly, Americans aren’t pussies when it comes to sports.

    So I hope that quiets the ignorant people using the typical stereotypes against us.

  • 146. Football FAn  |  April 12th, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Bean:
    First: #1 in tennis??? Nadal, Federer, Djokovic; the three best players are not americans.
    Second: You may not know many fat people but you must recognize that in america obesity is big problem and everyone in the world knows it.
    third: From your words i understand that you think typically as an american; “Why do we have to play soccer? We are the best in other sports!!!”
    So if you are the best and you’re sure that you will win, where is the fun?? In our real FOOTBALL we have very exciting matches and you don’t know who will win before playing.For example at the World Cup (the most important sport event) you have so many good teams and not only one who prevails every time. This is way all the world loves it, except U.S.A.

  • 147. Carlos  |  April 18th, 2011 at 8:49 am

    What an idiot, hockey also has ties during regular season. Soccer has playoffs too and a team has to win (look up golden goal and penalty kicks, dickwad)

  • 148. Dear Gawd People  |  June 26th, 2011 at 1:41 am

    Wow. Just wow. The hatred being spewed here- FROM BOTH SIDES- is fucked up. I am an American (who equally dislikes the US and Europe btw) who loves the game of Soccer. I also love American Football, basketball, baseball, hockey, NASCAR and even WWE. The only sport I hate is golf. OK I don’t like Tennis either LOL. But the point is why the fuck do people have to hate either soccer or whatever sport to the point of being savage jackasses who are petty and hating? Americans are insulting Europeans. Euros are wishing death on Americans. Really people? Sports are fun to watch- high-scoring or low-scoring. They all capture the spirit of the Humanity. They all show our deep emotions of life. They show our appetite for compitition. I love sports in general. I think Americans are pompous and Euros are stuck-up in this thread. Seriously, both of you are acting stupid. And don’t call me American- I’m not proud of this country. I live here because of nesscessity not desire. I just think that in the end people have strong opinions and many are acting childish. I am the neutral person here advising that people just stop insulting each other and showing their inane hatred. I’m no saint myself. But seriously people- enough is enough. And to the article’s author- fun read which I respectfully disagree with. It caused a bunch of controversy. In short, everybody please shut the fuck up and realize that we all suck. We all have our likes and dislikes. These comments show the dark side of sports.

  • 149. fucktheusa  |  July 4th, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    PIRST; REDNECK MOTHERFUCKER, IS CALLED FOOTBALL YOUR FUCKING MORON

    SECOND; WHY SOCCER SUCKS? BECAUSE THE AMERICANS DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY AND THEY ARE AWFUL

    AND FINALLY, FUCK OFF

  • 150. Benjams Moustafa  |  July 14th, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    All sports are boring
    Nothing and no where matters
    Howard Stern wins again

  • 151. Europeans Suck at the Tit of America  |  September 2nd, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    The world has to understand that in the United States soccer/futbol is only played at the high school (what you guys call college) level by rich suburban white kids. Our intercities where the best athletes come from, do not even participate in the sport. If our intercities played soccer than we would be a top 5 nation guaranteed. What you have to realize is Americans don’t like the flopping and lack of physical nature in soccer. We all grow up playing soccer in the U.S. from the time we are 3 years old onward and then stop playing..Don’t you wonder why this is the case…..the reason soccer is popular is because all you need is a ball and the rules are simple enough that a three year old can understand them. Baseball is really boring granted…but at least it requires some intellect to play it….If a poor, retarded, 3 year old can master your sport…then you really have a problem…. Peace…

  • 152. Football FAn  |  September 3rd, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Only gay people play soccer

  • 153. BRIAN  |  September 4th, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    OK….Couldn’t read the whole article because i am a euro-fag. Glory Glory Man United! oh i love the gay men of Man United! in their little uniforms running around kicking that ball and crying that they’re hurt! Eurofags 4-ever!

  • 154. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 10:38 am

    only gay people play soccer

  • 155. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:19 am

    this site rocks! I wrote twice “only gay people play soccer” and i found twice, under my nickname “only gay people write comments attacking baseball”. My gayness can not be accepted!! Everyone can say his own gay opinion without non-gay corrections of someone behind this internet page. This commenter is of course jealous of fat americans and I would like to see him runnin’ for 90 seconds straight like the soccer players, it would give me a rock-hard soccer erection. Congratulations asshole!!!

  • 156. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:39 am

    yabba dabba doo!

  • 157. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:42 am

    mama mia! i have-a da diarrhea!

  • 158. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:49 am

    merde! je suis en putain, a por quia?

  • 159. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    oh no one read what I’ve just wrote in my comment ahahha

  • 160. soccer is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    open to all except eurofags? you wisely correct the comments of the european people, i thank you O Wise Exiled Censor!

  • 161. Italy is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Italy: the laughingstock of World War Two! Bwahahahah! Got your asses kicked by fucking Ethiopia? Go open a restaurant, chump!

  • 162. baseball is for men from the world's only superpower  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    pepperoni pizza with-a some-a mozzerella? maybe you have-a go at my a-sister too?

  • 163. baseball is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    peperoni not pepperoni like ignorant obese like me likee

  • 164. baseball is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    i don’t know why a stupid person should waste his time correcting comments but before you started doing this thing i wrote some comments against baseball and they’re still there explaining my opinion. so go on, i know that you will correct what i’ve just written but i don’t care anymore: now I understand that you’re only a poor man without a life and in the society of today these people won’t have success (like you, no work only having fun doing this shit). so goodbye, I’m going out with friends, watch a football match, laughing about stupid americans and eat pizza, that you in america are not able to cook! Do whatever you want, you’re and you will be only and forever a loser…. Oh and stupid person you forget to correct my nickname in the previous comment : ahahahaha still “baseball is for gaymen” ahahahaahhaha

  • 165. Jesus Christ, you morons are entertaining  |  June 15th, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    First off, soccer’s a blast to play or watch. But the rest of the world should be quite glad it’s a third tier sport in America. Otherwise, we’d dominate global competition. If, for example, Darrelle Revis, Troy Polamalu, Lebron James, and Matt Kemp had spent their lives practicing soccer rather than the sports they make their money at, the US would have a set of defenders that would make Mourinho hard. If Derrick Rose, Nate Robinson and Russell Westbrook had been brought up playing soccer, there would not be a better midfielder on the planet. Calvin Johnson would be an utterly unstoppable striker. These are some of the elite athletes who are just bigger and faster than anyone who could rival them that America could hypothetically put on the pitch if soccer weren’t such a niche sport here.

    Also, American football players are armored up because anyone playing that game needs to be to survive a full season of play. And I don’t mean survive in terms of just staying relatively uninjured.I mean survive as in there would be a significant number of fatalities without the armor that they wear. and yet the game requires a tactical sophistication unequaled and frankly unapproached by any other sport in the world. All of those breaks add to the mental stress of the sport, because in-game adjustment is so much easier.

  • 166. Ed  |  June 21st, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I can tell about soccer a player
    -IT SUCKS.

    And here is why – pro soccer sucks, if you watch the biggest crybaby teams – like Portugal.
    God damnit those simulating whiney bitches..

    If someone plays who isn’t using furhter-further-further tactics plays( like France of Germany ) – soccer becomes boring shit.

    Playing soccer is fun. Watching professinals – grown men fall down on slightest impact and cry is just pathetic.
    I think ice-hockey tough players has made be hate these “pro”losers.

    IMO soccer became shit after they started giving penalties out more. back few decades soccer players were tough and got up when they got hit. Now they fall down, cry, get carried away on a stretcher .. it is pathetic.

  • 167. JihadJew  |  July 19th, 2012 at 7:01 am

    The Anglos have spent their days destroying Europe from within. Once we take Europe we’ll take care of the Anglos

    The Day of Judgement will not come about until Muslims fight the Anglos , when the Anglos will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Muslims, O Abdullah, there is an Anglo behind me, come and kill him.

  • 168. Dave  |  August 5th, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Wow, judging by the comments Einstein was right. The only more powerful force than gravity is stupid people in large groups.

    Soccer sucks….accept it. It is what it is.

    Baseball is like watching paint dry.

    NFL players run around in a half assed fashion because they know their million dollar check is in the bank.

    Basketball is a matter of opinion and taste. It is fast paced but also an acquired taste.

    Golf is fun to play but boring to watch.

    Actually watching Professional female billiards is semi entertaining. Mainly because of that chick nick named “the black widow.” Now when she bends over to take a shot…..WOW! And there are some other cute ones on there as well. And anyone who has ever played billiards or snooker knows what a Zen game it is. One fucked up thought and you are down the drain.

    The only team sport worth a shit is American College Football. And I mean at the senior level. Every snap is a tryout for the NFL so they put their max into it. Even if they know they have no chance for the NFL they know that if they play well and get a scholarship their education is paid for.

    Personally, I prefer to watch the individual sports where it is all on you. You can’t blame poor team work….if you fuck up you have to live with it. If you succeed the glory is all yours.

    And within individual sports I hate the ones that are time limited or go to the judges for a beauty contest ruling. Boxing, judo, gymnastics, etc. Take your pick. When it goes to the judges in a sense you have already lost when you could have finished off your opponent before.

    Olympic skiing is an example of an individual sport where athletes are timed against the clock. Fastest one wins.

    Tennis….you play until there is a winner or someone leaves on a stretcher. I remember a minor match at Wimbledon a few years back where the players were locked in a dead heat for two fucking days. They were both members of the walking wounded at the end but it was the longest match in Wimbledon history…if not tennis history itself and the sportsmanship was amazing.

    I also remember during the Olympics in Greece I believe it was when a female from Romania broke out of the pack in the marathon and won. You could see that she was fit to die at the end but she didn’t quit.

    Pick your sport and be proud of it if the athletes show courage, sportsmanship, stoicism in the face of pain and be done with it.

    After all, I would humbly submit that it is a bit better to shed some blood and pride on the sporting events than to shed the same blood and pride on our next favorite sport….war.

  • 169. Charles  |  September 6th, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Sorry you hate football, suck it up, it is still THE best game in the world.

  • 170. x  |  September 22nd, 2012 at 6:47 am

    I feel really sorry for anyone who would post a comment agains you. they have limited horizons.

    I’ve been a moron since 1998

  • 171. verfutbolplus.com  |  October 7th, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Today, I went to the beach front with my children.

    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”
    She placed the shell to her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her
    ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off
    topic but I had to tell someone!

  • 172. ROBERT2169  |  February 14th, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    I WANT TO SEE CC SABATHIA OF THE YANKEES RUN 90 MINUTES STRAIGHT WITHOUT STOPPING THE GUY WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK!! WHOMEVER HERE SAYS SOCCER IS GAY IS AN IDIOT AND DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THERE TALKING ABOUT

  • 173. Ian  |  April 3rd, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    165. Your a fucking idiot even if they all practiced soccer their entire life, USA’s team would still be a piece of shit an nowhere near as good as other countries

  • 174. trevor  |  September 24th, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    who in their right minds get excited about a bunch of guys running around a field, kicking a ball around, falling every so often crying out in pain which usually isnt really there? how stupid does one hav to be to watch this? get a life people

  • 175. hugo  |  March 15th, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    criticism criticism criticism

  • 176. Jack  |  March 24th, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    you are obviously
    1. American
    2. Don’t know what a real sport is

  • 177. Ur gay  |  April 4th, 2014 at 6:39 am

    U shuld shut the fuck up u most likely have not ever played soccer u gay fag


Leave a Comment

(Open to all. Comments can and will be censored at whim and without warning.)

Required

Required, hidden

Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed