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eXile Classic / June 24, 2010

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As an antidote to the current World Cup soccer idiocy, we suggest taking 1 full dose of The eXile’s classic soccer takedown, published during the 1998 World Cup.

Here’s a little something to consider for all you folks who’ve been trying to watch the World’s Greatest Sporting Event–otherwise known as the World Cup–over the course of the last week. The following is a short list of some of the official mascots of the World Cup in the latter half of this century. 1990: Ciao, an abstract object (Italy). 1986: Pique, a chili pepper (Mexico). 1982: Naranjito, an orange (Spain). 1978: Gauchito, a boy (Argentina). 1974: Tip and Tap, two boys (West Germany). 1970: Juanito, a boy (Mexico). 1966: World Cup Willie, a lion (England).

An abstract object, a chili pepper, an orange, a boy, two boys, a boy, and a lion named “World Cup Willie”…Is this sports or a NAMBLA convention?

Tough question, and one thing’s for sure: you’d never be able to figure it out by watching the game in question, called either soccer or football depending on whether you have a life or not. In fact, we at the eXile feel that this week, during the very heart of World Cup 1998 in France, is the right time to finally come out and say it: soccer isn’t a sport. It’s an exercise in mass denial, a desperate attempt by the runner-up nations of the world to protect themselves from the spread of American consumer culture by clinging to a pastime no rational person would consume.

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Tip and Tap: would you let your child play with Germany’s mascot-duo?

Soccer didn’t always suck. About a thousand years ago, natives on the American continent played a sport that was prophetically named pasuckuakohowog–we’re not making this up–which featured teams of up to 500 people apiece playing on fields one mile long. Players kicked balls toward a goal just as they do in modern soccer. Unlike modern soccer, however, they wore warpaint and committed atrocities upon their opponents, using weapons and breaking bones as a matter of routine. Whatever your feelings were about atrocities, there was one thing you had to admit about pasuckuakohowog: it was interesting to watch. Something happened during the games. Unlike…

Even the British played interesting football at one point. In the 11th and 12th century, football games were so lawless and violent that the game became the subject of repeated royal bans. But now…

Now? Now the European game of football has become so effete that the days when it was physically taxing are recalled with horror by its proponents. The following is an excerpt from the official Web Page of the 1994 World Cup, in a section outlining the history of the game’s equipment:

“The Original Soccer Ball”
The “ball” was made of animal skin on the outside and filled with hair on the inside. People kicked the ball across a “goal,” but the game was much rougher than it is now. It was common to kick someone’s shins, and players often suffered broken bones!

Broken bones! God help us!

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Of course, even this newspaper isn’t crude enough to suggest that any sport without violence isn’t a real sport at all. On the contrary, there are dozens of competitive sports, ranging from basketball to tennis to volleyball, even to team handball or chess or even checkers, for God’s sake, where artistry is an ample visual substitute for force. But all of those sports have one thing in common: something happens during the games.

Nothing happens during a soccer game. Nothing, that is, except the audience’s infinitesimal drift in the direction of still greater loneliness, despair and irrelevance. Tune in to the World Cup this week on Russian TV or Eurosport, and you’ll realize that that’s what European football is really all about. It’s Europeans getting together en masse in big parks to whine about not mattering anymore.

As a culture, this is all that Europe has left-gathering around to watch a shockingly boring and precious little spectacle performed by fruity little guys with nauseating haircuts, sticking up its collective nose, and proclaiming a great love for the “best game in the world.” All its other great ideas this century–social democracy, titles, interlocking alliances, military independence from the United States, existentialist literature–they lost their resonance ages ago.

So “football” is all they’ve got. It’s their only way into the headlines. And it still sucks. Here are nine reasons why:

1. Soccer Haircuts
Ever wonder why Western Europe’s population is in decline? Well, let’s ask this another way… Would YOU fuck a guy with a soccer hairdo? Do you know ANYBODY who would?

Like radiation sickness, the most visible, ubiquitous cultural effect of soccer is the distinctly ugly upside-down L-shaped soccer hairdo. “L”: as in, “Loser.” As in, “Kick me, I’m a Loser.” Unlike radiation sickness, however, it not the bearer of the deformed hairdo who suffers nausea, but rather, everyone else around him. To make matters worse, the upside-down L-head often accentuates his loser-hairdo by getting a cheap wave or perm, so that he looks like a divorced mother of three. As if realizing that he’s pricing himself out of even the most forgiving homosexual market, he inevitably grows a mustache and does curls, wears hooded sweat shirts, and black imitation all-turf cleats.

This may explain the overall declining birthrate of the White European. Women cannot ovulate if they live among men who have “Loser” tattooed on their scalps.

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2. Guys who writhe around on the ground in pain for two minutes, then get up and run off like nothing ever happened.
Anyone here watch the Italy-Chile game last week? Late in the game, Italy star Roberto Baggio, a guy who in his pro career makes millions of dollars a year, gets kicked in the shins and falls down. Clutching his leg, he rolls around wailing on the pitch for a while until the referee comes over, then plays it up a little more, appearing-to the untrained eye, anyway-to be literally CRYING with pain. Impressed, the referee pulls a yellow card out of his pocket: penalty, Chile! Satisfied, Baggio gets up and trots off happily down the field, obviously unhurt. He went on later to score the game-tying goal on a cheap penalty shot.

We here at the eXile don’t know about you, but most of us were raised by our American parents to never cry, even when we’re hurt. As for crying when you’re not really hurt, that was a punishable offense for most of us around here. I myself was grounded for it, forced to spend two days at home with slant-eyed old Granny Goldberg.

Europe, on the other hand, is a culture that actually encourages its best athletes to whine and cry like babies. Not promoting machismo is one thing. But raising a whole generation of turds is another. If it were our kid, Europe would be grounded. And beaten with belts and brushes.

soccer whining

 

3. Ties.
Even the leaders of organized chess, a game whose appeal is limited exclusively to a type of intellect so patient and sensitive that it can appreciate a single move of the finger for a half hour at a time, have recognized in recent years that unless it finds a way to reduce the number of drawn games, it will soon lose all of its followers. To this end the game’s leaders have devised knockout systems in tournaments, used new forms of speed chess as tiebreakers, and sped up games, all in the hopes of making this effete bourgeois mind sport more visually stimulating to everyday spectators.

European football, on the other hand–which professes to be a heavily proletarian pastime and a great spectator sport–is a game that still only produces a victor in about 55% of matches. Even at the World Cup, a tournament so rare and important it occurs just once in four years, with nations facing each other as rarely as once in a century, the game’s organizers have done nothing to ensure a victor in the early rounds. As a result, the game is plagued by ties–which, as the saying goes, are about as satisfying as kissing your sister.

None of us here at the eXile can figure out why the World Cup can’t be played without ties. Soccer people generally talk about the game being too physically stressful to play sudden-death overtimes, which would force players to stay on the field for an indefinite amount of time after regulation. If that’s true, how do professional hockey players manage during the NHL playoffs? It’s just as tough to score in hockey, and physically about ten thousand times tougher to play. The abovementioned Roberto Baggio would probably have to be hospitalized if he were forced to so much as watch one major-league hockey check, much less actually experience one. And yet: there are no ties in playoff hockey.

Even tennis players, for God’s sake, don’t play to ties. In a reverse of World Cup logic, tennis players in the big tournaments–the Grand Slams–must in some cases play to infinity in the fifth set to resolve even play. Basketball players play overtimes. Even in professional American Football, a sport so physically demanding that the average pro career lasts fewer than three years due to injuries, players play sudden death overtimes and may not conclude games in ties in playoff competition.

But not soccer players. They can’t handle it. It’s just too tiring, running around on that big field.

soccer crying2

 

4. Pompous pseudo-intellectual Europeans who become soccer fans in order to convince the public of their link to the common man.
A British reporter interviewed for this article summed it up best: “Every member of parliament in Britain has to be a soccer fan, or else he can’t hold office. Not one of them has ever had the balls to admit that it’s the most boring fucking game ever invented.”

From Newcastle fan Tony Blair to Man United fans like wussbunny Cure lead singer Robert Smith, every hyperambitious Euro-egghead in sight attaches himself to a football team sooner or later, once his agent decides the time is right. It’s a phenomenon Americans can appreciate in the similarly disgusting habit their own effete intellectuals have of latching on to baseball–another conspicuous non-sport–to show that they’re people, too. Loathsome Newsweek columnist George Will is the classic example. Will staggers his most obnoxiously reactionary columns with columns about the Orioles or about Pete Rose or whichever player whose name he happens to know at the time, just to show he’s one of the guys.

He isn’t. And neither is Tony Blair. And the worst thing is, in the age of the EU, it’s now doubly important for public figures to be soccer fans in particular-it’s the only way they have of being pro-Europe and human at the same time.

5. Total fucking boredom.
For scientific purposes, I tried to watch the Austria-Cameroon match last weekend. At halftime, the two teams were locked in a fierce 0-0 tie. I shut it off and spent the rest of the night staring out my window.

The following day, Bulgaria and Paraguay played to a thrilling 0-0 tie. Belgium and the Netherlands followed up the next night by renewing their heated rivalry in exhilarating goalless fashion.

As I write this, I can still hear the Eurosport commentator during the Austria match. “We’ve been lucky so far in this World Cup to see goals,” he said. “We hope that there will continue to be goals.”

Let’s even excuse soccer for the moment for being invented in the age before men realized that athletes could score in a smaller goal with far greater precision and flair by using their hands, in a sport like basketball. Innovations take time, even obvious ones. We understand. But it takes more patience than a rational man should have to tolerate the means by which soccer players usually achieve their hideous goal-poor results.

Soccer just isn’t fun to watch. Attacks, when they happen, can be disrupted instantly by virtually any defender who comes near the ball. Luck plays a major role in a very high percentage of the few goals that actually are scored. The general offensive strategy is to get the ball as close to the goal as possible, then lift the ball over the penalty area with a so-called “crossing pass,” which the offensive team then hopes a passing player will either head or kick in the net. Once in a blue moon, a truly beautiful and acrobatic move is executed by a striker, resulting in a goal-a bicycle kick, say, or a long-range header. But that happens very rarely. The usual result is a botched pass or a near miss, a shot far wide of the posts, or a ball scooped up by a jogging or even walking keeper.

Soccer is probably the only sport in the world in which highlights of things that ALMOST happen are shown on late-night sport shows. Even with baseball, a game where an offensive player earns millions if he’s successful even a third of the time, no highlights have ever been shown of a sharp foul ball, or a ball that was just a hair away from being a called third strike. But soccer fans flock to their television sets every night to watch highlights of shots wide right and missed passes, even cleanly fielded shot attempts. This is clearly not a culture much interested in the results of things.

I watched Brazil beat Scotland on the first night of the Cup. At one point, the much-heralded Ronaldo–who, to use one of the most tired cliches in 1990s sportswriting, is something like the Michael Jordan of soccer–took the ball on the wing and attempted to get a shot off. He dribbled past one defender, then a second, then got tripped up by a third before getting his shot off. Scotland reassumed possession.

Well, that was lame, I thought.

Eurosport didn’t agree. They showed that little moment about six times, raving over Ronaldo’s footwork.

The crowd in France cheered as well. They must be ancestors, I thought, of people who cheered their French army for almost stopping the Nazis. Hey, they had good footwork, too.

6. Brazilian players with one name.
Ronaldo, Romario, Pele-what the fuck is this? Are these guys athletes, or designer jean labels? It’s a minor point, but an important one.

7. The excellence of Western Europe.
No one is denying that, as Americans, it galls us to lose to countries like Germany in any sport, even ones we care about as little as soccer. But even putting aside our own hangups, no sport in which countries like Italy, France, Germany and England can be major powers can really be taken seriously.

Let’s take the recent summer Olympics. England didn’t win a single gold medal. It was revealed to be a nation of skin cancer candidates who in most sports were slow enough to be overtaken by portly Sports Illustrated photographers on the sidelines. Sports bookies in England recently placed the chances of Christ’s reappearance on Earth at lower odds than a victory by a Brit at Wimbledon–and this despite the fact that the British invented the damn game.

In life as in sports, Western Europe simply hasn’t been relevant since World War I. While other nations were busy developing huge masses of violent underclass degenerates–a talent pool for athletics–Western Europe was busy tinkering with its social democracies and searching for new income tax plateaus to ascend to. While Croatians were committing genocide and at the same time forging the first serious threat to the United States’s world basketball hegemony, Brits were going on the dole and the French were striking for a 35-hour work week. Germans, meanwhile, were putting on coke-bottle glasses and cranking out container-shipfuls of atrocious synthesizer music.

Nations like these have no business maintaining any kind of standing in world athletics. Let people from these countries perform their natural roles: as obsequious airline stewards, nature-show hosts, bank clerks, rude waiters, makers of quirky low-grossing films, founders of discos in third-world countries, tireless reformers of inherently flawed social democratic systems, keynote speakers at meaningless business seminars. But not athletes. Let’s be serious.

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9. Those annoying Andean musicians.
You know those guys who are out there on the Arbat, and in public squares in every other tourist-filled city in the world? You know, the ones that score with every chick in sight, even though they can’t see over the bar? Those guys wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for soccer. The world would never have heard of the Andes without it. Stop soccer and those guys will start looking like hairy little weirdos again, instead of rock stars. Soccer players and these guys, they’re all riding the same vibe. The only mitigating factor here is that Paul Simon ripped off a couple of his older tunes from Andean musicians, making him partly responsible for them as well.

This article was published in The eXile in June 1998, issue 41.

Would you like to know more? Buy The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia (Grove) by Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi.

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192 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Europeans Suck at the Tit of America  |  September 2nd, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    The world has to understand that in the United States soccer/futbol is only played at the high school (what you guys call college) level by rich suburban white kids. Our intercities where the best athletes come from, do not even participate in the sport. If our intercities played soccer than we would be a top 5 nation guaranteed. What you have to realize is Americans don’t like the flopping and lack of physical nature in soccer. We all grow up playing soccer in the U.S. from the time we are 3 years old onward and then stop playing..Don’t you wonder why this is the case…..the reason soccer is popular is because all you need is a ball and the rules are simple enough that a three year old can understand them. Baseball is really boring granted…but at least it requires some intellect to play it….If a poor, retarded, 3 year old can master your sport…then you really have a problem…. Peace…

  • 2. Football FAn  |  September 3rd, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Only gay people play soccer

  • 3. BRIAN  |  September 4th, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    OK….Couldn’t read the whole article because i am a euro-fag. Glory Glory Man United! oh i love the gay men of Man United! in their little uniforms running around kicking that ball and crying that they’re hurt! Eurofags 4-ever!

  • 4. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 10:38 am

    only gay people play soccer

  • 5. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:19 am

    this site rocks! I wrote twice “only gay people play soccer” and i found twice, under my nickname “only gay people write comments attacking baseball”. My gayness can not be accepted!! Everyone can say his own gay opinion without non-gay corrections of someone behind this internet page. This commenter is of course jealous of fat americans and I would like to see him runnin’ for 90 seconds straight like the soccer players, it would give me a rock-hard soccer erection. Congratulations asshole!!!

  • 6. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:39 am

    yabba dabba doo!

  • 7. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:42 am

    mama mia! i have-a da diarrhea!

  • 8. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 11:49 am

    merde! je suis en putain, a por quia?

  • 9. Football 4ever  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    oh no one read what I’ve just wrote in my comment ahahha

  • 10. soccer is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    open to all except eurofags? you wisely correct the comments of the european people, i thank you O Wise Exiled Censor!

  • 11. Italy is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Italy: the laughingstock of World War Two! Bwahahahah! Got your asses kicked by fucking Ethiopia? Go open a restaurant, chump!

  • 12. baseball is for men from the world's only superpower  |  September 6th, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    pepperoni pizza with-a some-a mozzerella? maybe you have-a go at my a-sister too?

  • 13. baseball is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    peperoni not pepperoni like ignorant obese like me likee

  • 14. baseball is for gay men  |  September 6th, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    i don’t know why a stupid person should waste his time correcting comments but before you started doing this thing i wrote some comments against baseball and they’re still there explaining my opinion. so go on, i know that you will correct what i’ve just written but i don’t care anymore: now I understand that you’re only a poor man without a life and in the society of today these people won’t have success (like you, no work only having fun doing this shit). so goodbye, I’m going out with friends, watch a football match, laughing about stupid americans and eat pizza, that you in america are not able to cook! Do whatever you want, you’re and you will be only and forever a loser…. Oh and stupid person you forget to correct my nickname in the previous comment : ahahahaha still “baseball is for gaymen” ahahahaahhaha

  • 15. Jesus Christ, you morons are entertaining  |  June 15th, 2012 at 9:59 pm

    First off, soccer’s a blast to play or watch. But the rest of the world should be quite glad it’s a third tier sport in America. Otherwise, we’d dominate global competition. If, for example, Darrelle Revis, Troy Polamalu, Lebron James, and Matt Kemp had spent their lives practicing soccer rather than the sports they make their money at, the US would have a set of defenders that would make Mourinho hard. If Derrick Rose, Nate Robinson and Russell Westbrook had been brought up playing soccer, there would not be a better midfielder on the planet. Calvin Johnson would be an utterly unstoppable striker. These are some of the elite athletes who are just bigger and faster than anyone who could rival them that America could hypothetically put on the pitch if soccer weren’t such a niche sport here.

    Also, American football players are armored up because anyone playing that game needs to be to survive a full season of play. And I don’t mean survive in terms of just staying relatively uninjured.I mean survive as in there would be a significant number of fatalities without the armor that they wear. and yet the game requires a tactical sophistication unequaled and frankly unapproached by any other sport in the world. All of those breaks add to the mental stress of the sport, because in-game adjustment is so much easier.

  • 16. Ed  |  June 21st, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    I can tell about soccer a player
    -IT SUCKS.

    And here is why – pro soccer sucks, if you watch the biggest crybaby teams – like Portugal.
    God damnit those simulating whiney bitches..

    If someone plays who isn’t using furhter-further-further tactics plays( like France of Germany ) – soccer becomes boring shit.

    Playing soccer is fun. Watching professinals – grown men fall down on slightest impact and cry is just pathetic.
    I think ice-hockey tough players has made be hate these “pro”losers.

    IMO soccer became shit after they started giving penalties out more. back few decades soccer players were tough and got up when they got hit. Now they fall down, cry, get carried away on a stretcher .. it is pathetic.

  • 17. JihadJew  |  July 19th, 2012 at 7:01 am

    The Anglos have spent their days destroying Europe from within. Once we take Europe we’ll take care of the Anglos

    The Day of Judgement will not come about until Muslims fight the Anglos , when the Anglos will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say O Muslims, O Abdullah, there is an Anglo behind me, come and kill him.

  • 18. Dave  |  August 5th, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    Wow, judging by the comments Einstein was right. The only more powerful force than gravity is stupid people in large groups.

    Soccer sucks….accept it. It is what it is.

    Baseball is like watching paint dry.

    NFL players run around in a half assed fashion because they know their million dollar check is in the bank.

    Basketball is a matter of opinion and taste. It is fast paced but also an acquired taste.

    Golf is fun to play but boring to watch.

    Actually watching Professional female billiards is semi entertaining. Mainly because of that chick nick named “the black widow.” Now when she bends over to take a shot…..WOW! And there are some other cute ones on there as well. And anyone who has ever played billiards or snooker knows what a Zen game it is. One fucked up thought and you are down the drain.

    The only team sport worth a shit is American College Football. And I mean at the senior level. Every snap is a tryout for the NFL so they put their max into it. Even if they know they have no chance for the NFL they know that if they play well and get a scholarship their education is paid for.

    Personally, I prefer to watch the individual sports where it is all on you. You can’t blame poor team work….if you fuck up you have to live with it. If you succeed the glory is all yours.

    And within individual sports I hate the ones that are time limited or go to the judges for a beauty contest ruling. Boxing, judo, gymnastics, etc. Take your pick. When it goes to the judges in a sense you have already lost when you could have finished off your opponent before.

    Olympic skiing is an example of an individual sport where athletes are timed against the clock. Fastest one wins.

    Tennis….you play until there is a winner or someone leaves on a stretcher. I remember a minor match at Wimbledon a few years back where the players were locked in a dead heat for two fucking days. They were both members of the walking wounded at the end but it was the longest match in Wimbledon history…if not tennis history itself and the sportsmanship was amazing.

    I also remember during the Olympics in Greece I believe it was when a female from Romania broke out of the pack in the marathon and won. You could see that she was fit to die at the end but she didn’t quit.

    Pick your sport and be proud of it if the athletes show courage, sportsmanship, stoicism in the face of pain and be done with it.

    After all, I would humbly submit that it is a bit better to shed some blood and pride on the sporting events than to shed the same blood and pride on our next favorite sport….war.

  • 19. Charles  |  September 6th, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Sorry you hate football, suck it up, it is still THE best game in the world.

  • 20. x  |  September 22nd, 2012 at 6:47 am

    I feel really sorry for anyone who would post a comment agains you. they have limited horizons.

    I’ve been a moron since 1998

  • 21. verfutbolplus.com  |  October 7th, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Today, I went to the beach front with my children.

    I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.”
    She placed the shell to her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her
    ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off
    topic but I had to tell someone!

  • 22. ROBERT2169  |  February 14th, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    I WANT TO SEE CC SABATHIA OF THE YANKEES RUN 90 MINUTES STRAIGHT WITHOUT STOPPING THE GUY WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK!! WHOMEVER HERE SAYS SOCCER IS GAY IS AN IDIOT AND DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THERE TALKING ABOUT

  • 23. Ian  |  April 3rd, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    165. Your a fucking idiot even if they all practiced soccer their entire life, USA’s team would still be a piece of shit an nowhere near as good as other countries

  • 24. trevor  |  September 24th, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    who in their right minds get excited about a bunch of guys running around a field, kicking a ball around, falling every so often crying out in pain which usually isnt really there? how stupid does one hav to be to watch this? get a life people

  • 25. hugo  |  March 15th, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    criticism criticism criticism

  • 26. Jack  |  March 24th, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    you are obviously
    1. American
    2. Don’t know what a real sport is

  • 27. Ur gay  |  April 4th, 2014 at 6:39 am

    U shuld shut the fuck up u most likely have not ever played soccer u gay fag

  • 28. American  |  April 14th, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    #62 “The EU has begun to beat them in their own sport”
    You’re a retard. There has only been three Olympics where the US did not win gold in men’s basketball, (not including the 1980 Moscow boycott) and all three gold medal winners those years were not EU. (Soviet Union, Soviet Union, Argentina). Additionally, the NHL is very popular in America in the northern and eastern states and a Canadian team hasn’t one a Stanley Cup since the early 90’s.

  • 29. jason  |  May 17th, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    The most stupid article I have seen

  • 30. jason  |  May 17th, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    you can be sure that the person who wrote this article does not now how to play soccer, it would be very funny to see him playing soccer because he sucks

  • 31. Katy  |  June 16th, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    SOCCER, (not football, I don’t care what they call it in other countries. Football is football, soccer is soccer) is actually pretty fun to play. But dull to watch. And from what I’ve seen the fans have the potential to be uncivilized nut jobs. I have to agree with the crying and getting up thing. Soccer players- quit being babies for the sake of the ref! It’s sleazy, unprofessional, and immature. Grow some balls and tough it out!

    I dunno why everyone compares soccer to baseball. They’re completely different in every possible way and for the most part, what people say about baseball is fairly true. (Though I love going to a game for the fun atmosphere, I’d never watch it on TV.)

    Basketball and football are far superior sports to soccer. They require MORE athletic ability and more training and conditioning. Like someone else said, anyone can play soccer.

  • 32. Katy  |  June 16th, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    The best sport in my own opinion: college basketball.

  • 33. Seth  |  June 20th, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Soccer is gay. The only American sport I can compare it to would be Nascar. Watching Nascar : look a left turn oh look another left turn. Soccer: look someone kicked a ball oh look someone kicked the ball again. Nascar: driving in a circle for 90+ mins. Soccer: 90+ mi b of running up and down the field chasing a ball

  • 34. dark  |  June 20th, 2014 at 8:03 am

    This must be the most retarded article I have ever read. Let’s all choose something we don’t like, give some bullshit biased reasons and write crap articles , shall we?

  • 35. Bill Smith  |  June 20th, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    its a proven fact by many studies that soccer aka kickball is for non athletic people.. its a proven fact that the easier something is the more people will do it..
    laws of physics

  • 36. Frazer Ellison  |  June 26th, 2014 at 10:02 am

    England is part of Great Britain and competes as GB at the Olympics dumbass. Care to check the medal table again. Sorry for having to correct your embarrassing ignorance!

  • 37. OP sucks  |  July 1st, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    OP is an ignorant American who never travelled outside his own state let alone to a different continent. I know this article is very old but reading it only makes you laugh at the OP’s stupidity. How can you afford to be SO FULL OF YOURSELF?

    Soccer rocks. It’s a truly egalitarian sport where all players are equally recognized for their contribution towards a win: whether you’re a striker who put the ball inside the goal or a midfielder for making that excellent pass or the defender for saving goals: everyone has an important job to do.

  • 38. screwallnonamericans  |  July 7th, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Yes, soccer does suck. So, does rugby. Those sports are too unorganized, simple, and boring to be considered popular sports here.

    If I played soccer, the fact that I never exercised my arms would make me feel that I didn’t have a good workout (what sports are for).

    American football is the best sport. It has it all – quickness, strength, real coaching (play calling), complexity, etc. There is a reason 300 billion people around the world watch the Superbowl every year you stinking, retarded, pieces of shit, non-American pussies!

    If America did like soccer and our athletes were paid to excel in it, we would be the best at it. The same way we are with everything else. Bip!

  • 39. TKAYVEGAS  |  July 9th, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    Soccer would be much more appealing to Americans if the rules were changed a little. But if the fair play and competitiveness were “Americanized” I’m sure the world would lose interest. The world was never much interested in fair play and competitiveness…

  • 40. Phil  |  August 7th, 2014 at 11:03 am

    I love how the soccer zealots have little response other than resorting to personal attacks against the author or Americans. Just like their teams, all whine with no substance.

    In the US, soccer is for kids. Once they outgrow it the best athletes go into other sports. Better sports.

    This year’s World Cup was an embarrassment. Everybody talked about how great our US team did, because in soccer, evidently one win in four tries is something to be proud of. Pathetic. How about all the flops that decided games? As far as I can tell the most important play in soccer is a flop. I’m betting statistics will bear this out, because in actual play players usually couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn, which perhaps not coincidently is about the size of their goals.

    I honestly don’t know how people can watch it. It’s a terrible sport. Every World Cup and Olympics I give it another try for a game or two, but it never improves. It’s not because I am some redneck that has never left my hometown, I’ve traveled the world more than most. It’s because the sports I watch are simply better. Better athletes, higher skill levels, merit-based scoring, and intricate strategy. Watching Thomas the Train with my kids provides more mental stimulation and excitement than soccer.

  • 41. B  |  July 20th, 2015 at 11:27 pm

    Soccer does suck. Children from around the world look up to these professional athletes and the only thing they teach them is if you don’t get your way fall to the ground and cry and someone else will come make it better. Great role models. Soccer does suck. It should be removed from the Olympics.

  • 42. Alex mason  |  October 28th, 2015 at 6:12 pm

    Soccer does surely suck cock and gay balls. All the cunts jumping in defending it are the same kind of cunts that had their asses kicked in high school. Fucking boring sport and fucking boring people watch it. So suck it.


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