Issue #28/83, February 10 - 17, 2000  

Shake It! Just Browsin' A-Club Bells Brand Bulgakov DK MAI Dvorets Molodyozny Hippopotam Intoya Kakadu Khaos Lexx Master Mirazh Park Plasma Proyektsiya Robotech Shosse Titanik Tsekh Utopiya Virus

Will you "do it tonight"?	Will you walk out alive?	Will cheap-O eXile readers afford the beer?	Will you show up to an empty, haunted mausoleum?
= no you won't = you might, maybe = you WILL indeed	= probably = just don't bump into anyone = run like hell	= $2-3 per beer = $4-$5 per beer = $6-$60,000	This isn't a rating factor, folks. Every club, bar, politican, and yes, newspaper, is on the verge of collapse. When you see this by a bar, it means, "financial crisis victim." Vsyo.

Cheers:eXile alert! A-Club went from being Europop technotrash to a rocker club for po' foke like us. Six days a week features rock, punk and pop bands. Also features great 3 for 1 and 2 for 1 drink specials most of the night, making macking chances high even for Vijay!
Jeers:Give us a chance, we'll find something to slam.
Cover: Depends on the night, but cheap
M: Mayakovskaya
Phone: 972-1132
Address: Sadova-Karetnaya Ulitsa 1
Hours: Fri, Sat: 21.00-6.00

Cheers:Yes, it's packed on weekend nights.
Jeers:Pasty door-thugs, shitty Russian techno pop, ugly whores, divorcees and washed-up ex-molls mix with dyevs and fallen flatheads.
Cover: 60R
M: Dobrininskaya
Phone: 231-4900
Address: Bolshaya Polyanka 51a
Hours: 12.00-6.00

Cheers:Swanky (by New Russian standards) interior, dual-bars in one room next to well-furnished, cozy disco. Michael from Cabana days is taking the helm, so it should take off. Picks up late in the evening; Sundays attract mollabies and other assorted dyevs.
Jeers:Tumbleweed factor high before midnight; more of that blue light stuff that we see everywhere; cheese. See Stuart Pratt's epic review.
Cover: Depends, but watch out
M: Smolenskaya
Phone: 241-5026
Address: Smolensky Ploschad d.1
Hours: 18.00-5.00 daily

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent visit proved that DK MAI has high SS factor, as three straight times eXile staffers nearly scored on the streets outside of DK MAI. May be the best new provincial raver discovery in Moscow. Two floors, inluding a massive rotisserie dancefloor downstairs, and a huge hardcore dancehall upstairs with Star Trek video screen a-blazin'. Kids with oil-black pupils popping packs of Latvian E.
Jeers:Cement-brained management decided to charge kids 120R for recent rave party, meaning the place has nearly cleared out.
Cover:cheap
M:Sokol
Phone:158-4480
Address:Dubosekovskaya Ul. 8.

Cheers: Occasionally hosts massive rave-fests. Hundreds of kids dosing on E is always a recipe for fun. Make sure you go on the right night.
Jeers: Fell out of favor with the cool crowd long ago.
Cover:50.000 rubles, 75.000 after 24.00
M: Frunzenskaya
Phone: 246-3942, 245-8402
Address: Above Metro Frunzenskaya
Hours: 22.00-06.00 on Sundays

Cheers: eXile alert! Now has free entrance for chicks, $2 for guys (just to keep out bums 'n stuff). Students have caught on to this, making for a good boy-girl ratio. Cool dinosaurs and alligators on the walls. Anti-techno DJing. Serious macking factor-people come here on a mating mission. Lots of 2nd-tier dudes and chicks, expats, and People of Color.
Jeers:Sometimes has high exposed-female-stomach-roll factor. Intimidating TLC-meets-Kate Moss wanna-be conflict. Too many mirrors for a Jane Fonda workout video. Chicks come here looking for money, guys come here looking for chicks looking for money.
Cover:$10 Thu - Sun. Ladies free till midnite. Wed: $20 all-you-can imbibe.
M: 1905 goda
Phone: 256-2327/-46
Address: Ul. Mantulinskaya, 5/1, Bldg 6
Hours: Wednesday 10-6, Thursday 10-2, Friday 10-5, Sat. 10-5, Sunday 9-2

Cheers:Tiny David Lynch like sunken tusovka complete with stage and red curtains; said to be a favorite haunt of E'd out raver youth. Cheap, raw, truly underground. Located not far from famous heroin trafficking point.
Jeers:Way the fuck out on Leninsky. Unexpectedly has private flathead parties, closing the whole place down. See Stuart Pratt's shitty review, if you dare.
Cover:40R
M: Yugo-Zapadnaya
Phone: 433-0679
Address:Leninsky Prospekt 150
Hours: Fridays 20.00 - ?

Cheers:The LA tiki-bar interior-loaded with tropical drinks, real bamboo, and fake stuffed monkeys-is unlike anything else in Moscow. The cozy second-floor seating is perfect for intimate encounters, and the dance-floor was practically custom-made for those molls who like to pretend they're strippers while their flat-head beaus sit in the corner getting piss drunk. Now boasts a respectable Thai menu.
Jeers:Exotic cocktails that reach upwards of $20 will tend to weed out us cheapskates. Chances are the kind of girl who is impressed by this place wouldn't go out with you anyway.
Cover:After 21.00: $10 for women Fri-Sat; $10 for men Mon-Thurs., $20 Fri-Sun
M:Leninsky Prospekt
Phone:954-3163
Address: Leninsky prospekt 28
Hours: 12.00 - 6.00

Cheers: eXile alert! Our in-house ravers rave that Khaos is now the reigning ahnderground club. Opened by the fellas who brought you the famed Les, Moscow's last classic ahnderground grybny club. Young crowd similar to that of the defunkt Plasma and the defunkt Galaktika, two of Starvin' Ivan's favorite places for dropping E. Standard Hindi-techno day-glo patterns on the walls. Killer sound system.
Jeers:Yet another techno club either annoying or brings back sad memories of the Chubais era. No chill-out room.
M:Timirgazevskaya
Address: Timirgazevskaya Ul. 17 (Kinoteatr Estafeta)
Hours:22.00 - 6.00

Cheers:Crowd has seriously picked up here as some of Propaganda's tusovka is making this their new home. Mischievous young raver crowd mixes oddly with small number of local flatheads. Occassionally has great DJs. Played Laserium Pink Floyd music. Food downstairs rules. Cheap-O drinks. Wonderfully tacky chrome and tin interior. We think this place will win out.
Jeers:It is located inside a prefab pyramid-shaped kiosk, essentially, which we find cool but you might not. See Stuart Pratt's knock-'em-down review.
Cover:Free
M:Taganskaya
Address: Taganskaya Ulitsa 2 (on the side of the Torgovy Tsenter pyramid monstrosity)
Phone: 912-9187 Hours:10.00 - 6.00

Cheers:Two floors of rave/techno; backrooms to sit and drink, chat up dyevs. Only worth coming to on party nights, such as the upcoming Ptyutch party.
Jeers: eXile alert! Four Master doormen were assassinated here! Seems a thug customer didn't like the treatment he got at the door, so he came back and started spraying lead everywhere. This place sucks the proverbial leaky fee-wee if there's not a Ptyutch party going on; and even if there is, it's too sovkovo to happen.
Cover:price varies depending on program; weekdays 30k rubles for girls, 60k for guys; weekends, $10 for girls, $20 for guys
M: Dobryninskaya
Phone: 237-1742
Address:Ul. Pavlovskaya 6
Hours: 23.00-7.00

Cheers/Jeers:eXile alert! Word has it that the Superfriends team of Doug & Marty have taken the place over and are planning something bi-i-i-g here. Stay tuned for details...
M:Arbatskaya
Phone: 291-1423
Address:Novy Arbat 21
Hours: daily 12.00-6.00

Cheers:The director threatened to saw off Taibbi's hands if the review was bad.
Jeers:The former Plasma has gone so shiteward that we'd have to create a new icon for it. Our real review would be so bad that the director would have to chop Taibbi up into tiny little bits to stick to his word. Nothing left. No people. No atmosphere. No nutin'.
M:Novye Cheryomushki
Address:Novye Cheryomushki ul. 54a
Hours:Thurs. - Sat. 23.00 - 5.00

Cheers:Cheap drinks, very very young crowd, has the Galaktika Megadance soundsystem guys. Hipless "best ass" contest a must-see for peds.
Jeers:Johnny Chen never felt krustier in his life. Only go if you can't grow sideburns.
Cover:20R
M:Baumanskaya
Address:Staraya Basmanaya 28
Hours:Daily 6pm - 11pm; Weekends later

Cheers:Authentic enough rave venue, complete with day-glo techie murals, 70's space age fonts, and lots of tripped out teenies dancing away like mindless sheep. If you come as the big bad wolf, you just may score.
Jeers:Totally shite DJ's; vulgar provincials; has lame-ass strip show.
Cover:60 rubles for males, 50 for fee-males
M:Prospekt Vernadskovo
Address:Address: Prospekt Vernadskovo 14
Phone:131-5257
Hours:Fri, Sat: 18.30-6.00

Cheers:Moscow's best low-rent provincial techno club: unpretentious, uncrowded, and cheap as heck. Good ratio of dyevs to boys; even better ratio when you factor in the loser boys. Intimate 2-floor dance area playing range of techno from popish to speed garage. Abundance of dyevs in South Pole parkas and horned dayglo ski caps.
Jeers:Hard to reach as it's hidden in the doorway; dorky drunks will constantly mooch cigarettes off you. See Stuart Pratt's Review.
Cover:30R dyevs, 70R dudes
M:Aviamotornaya
Address:Proezd Entusziastov d.15
Phone:273-6623, -6625

Cheers: eXile alert! Rumors of Titanik's demise were mere vial capitalist lies! Starvin' Ivan's belly has been growlin' for a chance to revisit this Moscow institution, which opens its remonted doors Oct. 16th. No place could better exemplify the excesses of the New Russia than Titanik: bitchin interior, ear-splitting techno, Babe-O-Litas and their flathead keepers, Die Hard security, black-eyed patrons sucking down Evians. Awesome sound system, kick parties, a must-see. Back bar room area provides necessary relief.
Jeers: You won't get laid, and you shouldn't even try. Don't come here too sober.
Cover:$30
M:Dinamo
Phone:213-6095/4581
Address:Leningradsky Prospekt 31, inside the Young Pioneers Stadium.
Hours:Thursdays, Fridays and weekends from 22.00 to 6.00

Cheers: Killer corrugated tin-roofed entrance tunnel towards the entrance; shoe-shining old cracker awaits you for 20R a pop.
Jeers:Tsukhs. The corrugated-metal tunnel you walk through to get to the entrance makes you think you're going to enter a truly cool new experience. Then you meet the asshole flathead at the door. It's all downhill from there: shite muzak, zombie-eyed ho's, guys in silk shirts, Robocop security in every corner... and almost no patrons.
Cover:Women free, men 60r
M:Ul. 1905 Goda
Address:Presnensky Val 14
Hours:22.00 - 06.00

Cheers:Great looking ho's in the bar area, some non-ho's ranging from mega-fox to bloodhound on the dance floor; excellent layout including balcony for people watching.
Jeers: The men here are about twice the age, four times the belly, and a hundred times the wealth of the women. Wonder why they come?
Cover: From 130,000 r. to 250,000 r.
M:Pushkinskaya
Phone:229-0003
Address:Pushkin Square 2 (movie theatre Rossiya)
Hours:21.00 to 5.00.

Cheers: eXile alert! Virus said to be trying to change its image as the dorkadence thing has failed. Now they want to attract the molodyozh and make it cheaper. We heartily support this move and wish them luck. So much ultraviolet light you can almost feel the melanoma tumors growing before your eyes! Toilet ceilings feature wacky upside-down garden.
Jeers: Seems to have caught a case of the shiteius emptius virus. After much-heralded opening nights, ain't nuthin much goin on down here. Last Friday, was dead as a Ebola victim. See Stuart Pratt's legendary review.
M:Smolenskaya
Address:Smolenskaya Ploschad' 3/5
Hours: Weekends from evening to utrom.

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