Issue #28/83, February 10 - 17, 2000  

Dorkadence Just Browsin' Bulgakov Club 13 Gallereya Justo's Kafe, Jazz Kukly Marika ME100 Park Tsirk

Will you "do it tonight"?	Will you walk out alive?	Will cheap-O eXile readers afford the beer?	Will you show up to an empty, haunted mausoleum?
= no you won't = you might, maybe = you WILL indeed	= probably = just don't bump into anyone = run like hell	= $2-3 per beer = $4-$5 per beer = $6-$60,000	This isn't a rating factor, folks. Every club, bar, politican, and yes, newspaper, is on the verge of collapse. When you see this by a bar, it means, "financial crisis victim." Vsyo.

Cheers: eXile alert! If you can get in, you're set. Amazingly high beauty factor, layout tacky in a cool way; decent DJs, cozy couch-y atmosphere. A good place to dose and chill.
Jeers Rude doormen. Eurotrash techno with flat-head flavoring.
Cover:100.000 rubles after 10pm
M: Mayakovskaya
Phone: 209-9914
Address: Bolshaya Sadovaya 9
Hours: 19.00 - 07.00

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent eXile inspection of theme party revealed that Club XIII is still working a major mojo, crisis be damned. When these guys throw a theme party, they pull out all the stops. If you haven't been here yet, then get thee hither: Club 13 has hit the bigtime in Moscow's higher-end super-suave nightlife scene. Packed to the gilt with model-bies, dorkadent dudes, businessmen and flatheadz with Harrod's attitude. Located in an impressive, spacious 19th century mansion in the center of town. Attracts smart 20-something Russians and smart expats. Darkened harem room great for macking, zoning, nodding. Rumors of discreet harem skull shines have yet to be verified by eXile staff. DJs have vastly improved. Big beanbags to lounge out on. Punctual service.
Jeers:Dorkadence central. Occasional pafosny Russian guy who looks ludicrous in his brand new collarless Versace Nehru outfit and silk ascot that he bought right off a boutique mannequin can induce unwanted stomach gas; girls with 'tude; expensive drinks. See Stuart Pratt's painfully dull review.
Cover: free so far
M: Turgenevskaya
Address: 13 Myasnitskaya
Phone:927-2391

Cheers: eXile alert! Recent Gallereya check revealed that the babe factor on Thursday nights is literally on a scale you cannot imagine. If you get in, and you enjoy the company of the Beautiful And Bored, then this latest Jazz Kafe-style tusovka is for you. Tasteful, minimalist interior with a nod to Egon Schiele, designed as an ironic low-key gallery-chillout for the Merc-Jeep set. Babes di Milo on every square inch of floor, guys so cool they leave their cellphones with their driver so as not to appear vulgar.
Jeers: Pentagon-level face control. You'll have to check your pride in at the door. Touch a chick, and your body won't float to the top of the Moskva River until mid-spring. Drinks mega-expensive.
M:Pushkinskaya
Address:Corner of Petrovka and Strastnoy Bulvar

Cheers:Here's the deal, folks. Don't even think about it. This place has , overnight, made Jazz Kafe seem as democratic as the Duck. The only way you'll get in here is if 1). you're on a list, and 2). you're a male, and 3). you own a Rolls, but you're post-New Russian in that you leave your cellphone with your driver so as not to appear common or vulgar. The parking lot is a tribute to the excesses of the Yeltsin Era: Mercs, Beemers, Jeeps, lingering drivers, and posses of babes so off-the-scale that you start to understand what made John Hinckley tick. Purple flourescent interior lights, marble-statue babes and super suave thugs. High mangled-pupil factor. Zero Maheshwari factor.
Jeers:This place might bore those with already low self-esteem. First, you're greeted by an imposing metal door and a mocking video camera. And after slapping the buzzer a few good times, you'll be told "Go." You'll have to watch one-time matrioshka doll sellers-turned-oil traders look down upon you like you're a piece of shit as they escort their Nexus-6s downstairs. Boring, really.
Cover:Free/by invitation only (mention Kevin O'Flynn's name, and you should be fine)
M:Tretyakovskaya
Address:Bolshoy Tolmachovsky pereulok 12
Phone:231-2561
Hours:12.00 - 6.00

Cheers: Was voted "Club Of The Year" by Ne Spat'. Packed full of model-manniquens and guys with bucket hairdos and turtlenecks. As much as we hate to admit it, Jazz Kafe has bounced back from its wintertime low and does good business again. Ultra-strict face control impresses bored dyevs if you get in. Attractive brick cellar interior; good place to hang out and discuss your failing modeling career and blow habit. A hint: hit up the mannequins, there, they're E-Z-R than you think.
Jeers:Is responsible more than any club for introducing "Dorkadence" in Moscow with its mix of hired models, Swiss border guard face control, prole thugs wearing boutique Italian clothes, and nerdy expats proud to be "part of the scene."
Cover:Free
M: Tretykovsky
Address: Bolshaya Ordynka 27
Phone:231-9777
Hours:weekdays: 12.00-1.00; weekends: 12.00-05.00

Cheers:Excellent summertime outdoor club/tusovka catering to the refined dorkadent. Quality live jazz, two bars, all set in a fountain-and-garden patio.
Jeers: Things have quieted down considerably since the exciting opening party. That Ksenia babe don't work there no more. See Stuart Pratt's Jammin' review.
Cover:Free (strict face control)
M: Sukharevskaya
Address: Sadovo-Samotechnaya 3 (in the Kukly Theater)
Phone:299-1656
Hours:19.00 - 06.00 daily

*see below

Cheers:No club better exemplified the vulgar, scary and beautiful excesses of the Chubais era. Babes with nose-bleeds and their pot-bellied, cell-phone-totin' sugar dyadyas. One of the highest concentrations of beautiful chicks--and heavily armed men--in the world. (*= if you have an 8-ball of whiff, you'll get laid; if not, see Jeers below)
Jeers:No gun check at the door. If you ask someone to dance, you will die.
Cover:$20 for men, free for women
M: Pushkinskaya
Address: Petrovsky pereulok 5 bld. 9
Phone:921-0993
Hours:Daily from 12.00 to 6.00

Cheers:Interesting alternative to the other dorkadent joints: more intimate, fewer marble-eyed fashion zombies. High beauty factor. Featured the most amazing, jaw-dropping striptease act a few weeks ago that the eXile had ever seen. We're still trying to recover from that one.
Jeers:Not sure how long this place will last here. Doesn't quite have a mojo going. Dudes are dorkier than normal. See Stuart Pratt's nail-biting review.
Cover:Free (strict face control)
M: Kropotkinskaya
Address: Prechistinka 36
Phone:207-8958
Hours:(call to find out when they have parties; generally weekends)

Cheers:Incredible 2-floor layout with glass dancefloor; ultra-cool, a mile deep in Gorky Park. Killer techno music. Would have been THE in place if this damn crisis-thing never happened. Has super-happenin' parties. Recently opened a large outdoor terrace for live music and photo exhibits.
Jeers: The first photo exhibit by Stas Naumin was, in a word, dermo. Beers are 150R each! Also, vulture-taxis charge $10 minimum to take you in and out of the park, for a mere 1-1/2 km ride. More pretentious Caesar-haircut assholes playing their bleeps and blips. See Johnny Chen's review.
M:Park Kultury
Address:Gorky Park (ask a taxi to drive you there, or drive in yourself to the theater).

Cheers/Jeers: See Vijay Maheshwari's enamel-numbing review.
Cover:Free (super-duper strict face control) M:Tsvetnoi Bulvar
Address:Tsvetnoi Bulvar 13 Hours:Thu-Sat 23.00 - 6.00

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