the eXile - bar-dak

Issue #13/94, July 6 - 20, 2000

b a r - d a k


	This Irish musician prepares to play a limerick.

Open Air Party. Saturday, July 15th. Vodny Stadium “Dinamo” (Metro: Rechnoi Vokzal). 18.00 until Sunday morning

This techno raver festival is set to take place not far from the defunct legendary rave club Water Club, way out on your way to Sheremetyevo-II. DJ Slava Finist heads an all-mud cast of blip-pumping DJs playing the latest trendiest disco shite from England. Lots of E’d out dorks drinking water and feeling really positive about life and stuff should be on hand. As well as our own Vijay Maheshwari, macking up on every teenager in sight. You’ll recognize him by the scratches and broken fingernails in his face. Since for the next two months there ain’t shit going on in Moscow, we recommend that you put this little shindig on your “To Do” list. You’ll meet all kinds of interesting people and it’ll be really exciting and stuff. Well, it’s either this, or flipping to the classifieds section of our newspaper for a rent-a-snapper. Tix: 100R

Chyorny Kofe. Thursday, July 13th. Klub Vokzal (Ul. Vavilova 69, Metro Leninsky Prospekt). 19.00

We haven’t been to this run-down rocker club, but we do know about this group, the first officially-sanctioned Soviet heavy metal group. Their first album, which came out in 1987, was a present from Gorbachev to the dirtheads of the USSR who were his future hope. The album was called “Perestupi Porok”, which sold something on the order of Led Zeppelin IV, and made them an overnight sensation. (Unfortunately, the dirtheads couldn’t peel their lips away from their collective gashish bong long enough to save Gorbachev). Like all rock gods, they broke up after the first album, leaving dirtheads to air jam alone to tunes like “Derevyany Tserkvy Rusy” in their black-lit kommunalka rooms. But now, like The Who, they’ve made a surprise and long-hoped-for reunion to put out a new album called “Svetly Metal”, or “Light Metal”, which, you see, is a very, very clever take on “Heavy Metal”, the type of music they play. The funniest thing of all is that they’ve even had the nerve to turn one of overrated Soviet poet Andrei Voznesensky’s stikhi into an unbelievably shitty song, so bad that it would make Y&T seem like geniuses in comparison.

Tochka’s Opening Party. Friday, July 7th. Tochka (Metro 1905 Goda; Zvenigorodskoye Shosse 3). 24.00

Moscow’s newest mega club actually opened up last week, but this Friday is the big official opening, and boy oh boy you betcha we’re gonna be there... with bells on! They plan on holding all kinds of highly imaginative Theme Parties such as “Pop Music Sundays” and “Dance Music Night” or “Rock Night”. Amazing how these people come up with ideas like this. Anyway, the cool thing about Tochka is that it’s huge, and we mean huge. As in Texas-sized proportions. The next cool thing about it is that it’s free to get in, although they claim to have some kind of feis kontrol thing going. For the opening party, one of our heroes Delfin will hip the hop down, super hip dorkadent DJ Slava-Finist will play his favorite blips and beeps (see above), the group “Zhuky” will play their special bland of blend music, and offer some kind of comedy show, and you can bet that Moscow’s coolest of the cool, including our own Mahi Vijayshwari, will be there. Though he probably won’t make it past the strogii feis kontrol. So dyevs, you can breathe easy.

Tix: Free (but feis kontrol)

Scottish Bagpipe-Playing Parade. Monday, July 10th. Pushkin Square. 14.00

Folks, there’s a reason to take off work this coming Monday, and that reason is that the Scots are coming with their stupid bagpipes and they’ll be playing their cheap little hearts out trying to impress the Russians with them. Why come, you ask? Why, to laugh, of course. Now, be careful that you don’t laugh too loudly, because Scottish people are notoriously hot-headed and they’ll get angry if you don’t respect them. They’re also super-duper tight with their money, so don’t ask them for anything because they’ll probably say “piss off”. But then again, so what. As Irving Welsh once pointed out, Scots are the niggers of Europe. Of course, that wouldn’t make niggers feel too happy. Or the Irish, or Russians, Chechens, Albanians, Serbs, Ukrainians, or a host of other Europeans who at one time or another have tried to claim for themselves the title of “Niggers Of Europe”. Whatever. The Scots are even worse-off, because, well, they’re the Scots of Europe. In fact, we hear that the Chadians and Eritreans often self-pityingly refer to themselves as the Scots of Africa. Because they get their asses kicked by other sad countries. Well, we hope all of this inspires you to go and appreciate watching a bunch of conquered, colonized, freckled idiots in skirts blowing on bags. Why, in God’s name, are we writing all of this? Because, folks, we fear that Russians may not hate the Scots, because they don’t yet know why they should. And since our newspaper is in the business of spreading the message of Hate, we thought we’d try to start a little fire, to sew a little patch onto the quilt of hate, and watch it flourish beneath our eyes. Plus, we really do hate Scots.

Erotic Freak Show. Monday, July 10th. Lexx. 21.00

Club Lexx, which has transformed into Taganka’s leading fleshpot for lapdances and more, is holding a festival to show off the best and worst of local body art. We’re talking gnarly scars, chicks with tattoos in weird places, piercings that look like they’d hurt lots and dots if you tugged on them because they’re in, you know, very tender places and stuff.

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