Issue #27/52, November 19 - December 2, 1998  

Large quantities of bovine organ meat was not exactly the Friday late supper I had in mind. But that's exactly what I got at El Gaucho, an "Argentinean" joint whose meat products come highly recommended by more than one of my most trusted culinary informants. An international franchise whose presence is strongest in Israel, the Gauch (as it's known to fans) has two outlets here in Moscow. The original is a cozy-ish little joint near Krasniye Vorota metro, but geographical considerations (and the havoc-wreaking snowfall that night) led me to the newer Paveletskaya location, which celebrates its 1-year anniversary in just a few weeks. This one has something of an upscale Sizzler atmosphere, with plenty of dark, dense-looking wood and the kind of middle-aged Russian ensemble that you just know has "Girl from Ipanema" in its repertoire.

As the band was finishing off a touching, heavily accented version of "Yesterday," my fellow eater and I chose a table directly in front of the grill area, where a real live Argentinean chef (you could tell by the bushy Stalin stache and the "Cavallo for President" button) was gettin' jiggy with more raw meat than I've seen in one place in a long time. Skilled as the guy obviously was, we couldn't help but notice that he was pouring a helluva lotta salt on the meat before tossing it onto the grill. But more on that later--first let's get the starters out of the way. Larger parties might want to try out the assorted appetizer tray ($19), which includes some ribs, wings, and various other fleshy preparations. We kept it light, however, with bean soup ($7) and Greek salad ($12). The latter was hearty and generally pleasing, although not without a certain canned-soup pastiness; the latter was enjoyable but utterly forgettable.

This was just as well, as it was the big meat assortment ($42, serves two) we were really waiting for. The Gauch has two to choose from: one with basic grilled numbers and a more exotic assortment that's heavy on viscera. Either comes with portions of asada, chorizo, and vegetable kebabs. Neither of us being heavy-duty organ men, we ordered the basic grilled assortment... or at least we thought we did, because for whatever reason (I'm not blaming anyone here) we ended up with the organ-ic plate. The asada was outstanding, although extremely salty (see above), as was the chorizo. We also received a chicken breast, but my fellow eater plowed through before I realized what had happened. He claims it was excellent.

Which left us with the scary vitals--liver, kidney, curvy intestinal-looking things. I sampled them all (more than I can say for fellow eater), and I gotta tell ya that I'd much rather have had a good old steak. Don't get me wrong--entrails are not without their appetizing (usually process-heavy) uses, but somehow it just don't seem right serving up the body's shit-n-piss processing mechanism au naturale. Live and learn, as they say. Next time I'll definitely prinimat' mery to verify the substance of my order.

The really funny part was the spindly french fries. They arrived in two puny little piles that seemed more like decorative garnish than the starchy half of the old meat and potatoes pairing. Yet neither of us was able to finish his allotted portion. Why? Let's just say that if the asada was roughly the meat equivalent of the Dead Sea, then the fries were the tuber world's answer to the Bonneville Salt Flats. I don't get it, and I'm not sure I want to.

The Gauch has a respectable wine list representing all the usual EU venues with prices starting around $30. We sampled the house red, which turned out to be quite an estimable little Beaujolais. Baltika (0.4l) costs $3, the bland imports a little more. The dessert offerings were lacking in pizzazz so we just had some coffee--pricy ($4 espresso, $6 cappuccino) but good. Go during business lunch hours (noon to 3pm) and get 20% off all menu items. Just steer clear of the organs (you might also want to make a request for the chef to go easy on the pre-grilling salt) and you'll be sound as a pound.