Issue #09/64, May 6 - 20, 1999  

Funny Hillbilly Talk.

Well, folks, it seems our Monica-mad missionaries of the GOP still seek to seize on Clinton's zipper zone. One proud provincial poltroon named Jed said: "Goshamighty, Clem, howcum Count Floyd a-got me talkin' like this here, when ain't not nobody in 'Merica never done talked nuthin lak it? How come he-all don' give a lissen to th'way real hicks talk?"

To which the contemptible Clem rudely replied, "Wa-al sir the way ah reckon, We-all got to AD-mit that ol'Floyd ain't got him 'zackly the best ear fer what them pufessers calls'reejunul dia-leck.'

To which the rigid reactionary Jed replied: "Lawdy, lawdy! Yo' sho' is kee-reck, Massa--but dey dis one ting be t'ubblin' ole Tom: how come it dat dis-yer Count Floyd he be libbin' in Tennessee, an'he still don' have no notion how dem shitkickers be talkin'?

To which the bemused bumpkin Clem replied: "Quite frankly, my glottally-protean interlocutor, one must grasp the thistle, accept the fact that, in the case of le comte d'Floyd, we are dealing with an intelligence of--how shall I put it?--somewhat less than middling rank. Alas, the old duffer would seem to have stopped putting an ear to the vernacular ground sometime prior to the demise of his apparent exemplar, that appalling old haunch of gamey American ham Will Rogers."

To which our crusty curmudgeon Jed replied: "Dude look, OK? It's like, I'm not sayin' Floyd's a total asshole fer tryna, like, make somebody laugh', OK? It's like all I'm sayin' is Jeez he should wake UP an deal, cuzzee can't fucken cut it! I mean sorry, but the dude should be flippin' burgers at the Knoxville Mickey D's! He couldn't tell a fart joke to like a fifth-grader!"

At which the ghost of Sam Clemens intervened, speaking in thunder:: "Boys, I've got some grim news for you. Floyd's readers enjoy his poorly-observed, fifth-hand caricatures of "hick" diction, simply because they imply a great distance between reader and redneck. It's more comfortable to pretend that liberal views and standard English share the same borders; that the blame for our mealymouthed, vindictive, selfish nation's misdeeds lies with the already despised poor whites of the South; than to acknowledge that the thieves' cabal which rules America is dominated by well-dressed, well-mannered swine who speak the same dialect Floyld and his readers do (but rather better); that Floyd and his readers are part of the evil; and that its diction is their own."

Jed and Clem hooked up their overalls, shook their heads and spat.