Issue #09/64, May 6 - 20, 1999 
| In This Issue |
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| Zhenya's Parents Sold Her |
| Another 14 Reasons This War Sucks |
| Moscow Times Copy Edit Award |
| Kafelnikov Loses, Reaches New High |
| Kiddie Fights Without Rules |
| Ass Flakes |
| Roundeye |
| Global Ass |
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Russia's favorite son, tennis star Yevgeny Kafelnikov, continued his extraordinary string of successes, exiting the Tasmanian Open today after losing his opening-round match 6-1, 6-0 . On the strength of this loss, Kafelnikov's ranking has risen to a level some 2,000 points above any previous men's #1. He is now 32,345 points ahead of injured world #2 Pete Sampras.
Kafelnikov was defeated in straight sets by previously-unheralded Tongan Beach Jew Mua'afelia'a Ganz, who made no excuses for his first victory over a player possessing all his limbs. "What can you do against a great player like Kaffy? Just ask the ATP computers. He's the total package," shrugged the shy,
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Ganz, who is blind and a dwarf and recovering from a nagging case of spina bifida, dominated the match throughout, moving the clearly rusty Kafelnikov back and forth along the baseline with punishing groundstrokes. His victory plunged him 34 places down in the world rankings, and now trails 8,047th-ranked Vijay Maheshewari by 11 points.
"I'm happy to sacrifice myself if it means that Yevgeny can reach his full potential," said Ganz, downplaying his role in Kafelnikov's success. "For me, it's not about the money. I just want to get out there, try hard, give 110% and contribute any way I can." Ganz later announced plans to donate his winnings to beach-restoration projects on the remote Yiddish Coast of Tonga, hard-hit by last year's Tropical Storm Feh.
Kafelnikov's first-round loss in the Tasmanian Open comes as the latest in a remarkable string of early exits which have propelled him to the highest rankings ever attained in the history of men's tennis. He has now failed to reach the third round in his last twelve tournaments, leaving frustrated opponents darkly hinting of drug use. Kafelnikov and his trainers have denied all such allegations. "I got where I am by sheer hard work," insists Kafelnikov. "No foreigners have entered my body."
