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Fatwah / February 19, 2010
By Yahweh


Real CPAC closetcases marry nutsack-nosed homophobes

God here. Just wanted to pipe in and say I really enjoyed the CPAC conference. Yeah, gotta keep Myself active, you know how it is. Anyway, I figure since everyone at the CPAC conference is so into Me, I’ll reward them with a little miracle that proves unmistakably once and for all that Intelligent Design is for real. I mean, Darwin is all about specialization and variety, yadee-yadee-yada. Whereas an Intelligent Designer such as Yours Truly can do whatever the fuck He wants. If Yahweh wants to make an exact duplicate of one of His better designs (see: babe on the left)–the nutsack-nose, which I designed to attract a closet-case gay-basher mate in the monkey kingdom…and then Yahweh decides on a whim to copy-paste the nutsack-nose and try it out in a different setting (see: gay-bashing bigot on the right)–do you really think that such a miracle could happen just by chance? No way–that’s My design, not some limey’s idea of evolution. That’s My work, Medamnit, and stop saying I didn’t do it. Here’s the evidence, suckuz! Case closed. Ba-boom!

Now, maybe some of you are thinking, “Gee whiz, our Intelligent Designer is a mean, sadistic fuck.”

To which I would reply, “Excuse me? Come again? You want a little too? Huh? Do yuh? Cuz I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere–in fact, heck, I’m everywhere at once. Yeah, that’s what it means to be Me, fuckhead. Still wanna criticize Me?”

Anyway, I’m sure it won’t ever come to that, ha-ha. As for the CPAC meeting, I gotta say we really had a ball there. So many wonderful people. Oh and as for the unfortunate proboscis woman on the right, holding the sign? Yeah, see, I can’t in good faith take responsibility for the holding-a-homophobic-bumper-sticker thing. That was all her. It’s called ‘Free Will’ folks, you chose, you lose.

As for the proboscis on the left–what a knock-out, eh guys? I mean whoa momma, if the proboscis on the left were to strut her stuff in the CPAC conference, you betcha there’d be sparks a-flyin’! Hoo-wee!

Anyway, gotta get back to work now. Just a shout out to my homos in the CPAC, you know whom I’m talkin’ about, Ryan Sorba! Hoo-ah! Wait did I say “homos”? Oh wow! Ha-ha! I meant “homies.” I swear I’m not, you know–one of those closet-case types. Seriously I’m not. No seriously–you should see all the chicks I, Yahweh, have banged, dude. I’m so horny right now, I think I’ll have to go out and find some chicks. No seriously. Wait hold on–just got a call. Gotta run. Keep on prayin’!

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Add your own

  • 1. BlottoBonVismarck  |  February 19th, 2010 at 10:13 pm



    The good news is that it wasn’t you, Mark Ames. The bad news is that it will be harder to prove that you are not the fag-communist the Neocon Nazis like to smear you as!

    On the whole, a win. Life. Better than the alternative! (For a while).

  • 2. Required  |  February 20th, 2010 at 3:47 am

    Tapir-faced was funnier.

  • 3. A-Lex  |  February 20th, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Honestly — who gives a shit?
    Why no report about Joe Stack’s Gastello-style crash into a federal building? This attack falls perfectly with Ames’s narrative on the general crisis of capitalism in the U.S.
    Why aren’t you guys on this story yet? Are you doped — AGAIN?

  • 4. Ilona  |  February 20th, 2010 at 6:56 am

    Dear God,

    What a relief to know You still have that real biblical attitude left! And that You’re all comfortable with Your sexuality.

    Ps. Could You please make some major miracles on my chick too. Also a bigger booty wouldn’t be that bad.

    What comes to me… Well, You know how it is. You’re the Almighty.

  • 5. senorpogo  |  February 20th, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Reminds me of a line from The Bank Dick – “You’d like to have a nose like that full of nickels, wouldn’t you?”

  • 6. vortex  |  February 20th, 2010 at 8:40 am

    God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”

    Abe says, “Man you must be puttin’ me on”

    God says, “No”, Abe say “What?”

    God say “You can do what you want Abe but The next time you see me comin’ you better run”

    Well Abe said, “Where do you want this killin’ done?”

    God say, “Out on Highway 61”

  • 7. Diet Coke  |  February 20th, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    How does someone die “unexpectedly” of suicide? Seems that suicide is pretty much expected by the person committing suicide.

  • 8. senorpogo  |  February 20th, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Kind of the point Diet – piss off the right people and you may end up “unexpectedly” committing suicide.

  • 9. Larry Sabu  |  February 20th, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    I, Larry Sabu, have secret Betamax tapes of Punjabi tapir murderers, plus latest porn clips of Mallika Sherawat doing 10,000 rich sahibs from UK and Snapper Creek in Coral Gables. During 2010, Sabu offers 99% markdown. Send $29.95 plus $30.05 S&H to me, Larry Sabu, at . 14-16 week shipment. Satisfaction guaranteed.

  • 10. bob  |  February 22nd, 2010 at 1:46 am

    Ancient meme, everyone makes fun of Republicans. Y’all need some new/better/creative material.

  • 11. David B  |  February 23rd, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    I used to be a cynical athiest until I started reading the eXiled. Now I’m a believer. So do a little of God’s work and donate to this site.

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