It was 11:00 am on Saturday morning when I woke up and jumped out of bed in panic. I realized that the night before, I had parked my car in a 2-hour parking zone around the corner from my house. I ran outside barefoot, in a rumpled T-shirt and boxer shorts. But I was too late. A neat white envelope stuck out from underneath a wiper blade. I missed the fucker by only a few minutes and was busy cursing my bad luck under my morning breath and looking around for the meter maid when I heard a voice at my shoulder. “I’m too much of a pussy, but if I had the guts, I’d block out all the personal information on the tickets I get, wrap them around a rock and break a window in some city government building. That way, these assholes know exactly what my money is going to be used for. Repairing that busted window,” a neighbor of mine said with hate in his eyes, and then bent down to scoop up his pit bull’s steaming pile of shit. (more…)

Like all healthy folks, I hate cops. The only thing worse than cops are Russian cops. And the only thing worse than Russian cops are the OMON–the Interior Ministry’s paramilitary goons famous for brutalizing anyone who dares to oppose the Kremlin. At the same time, I’m for just about everything Greenpeace is for. All of Norway isn’t worth one whale. So why do I find myself tipping my hat and shouting out a big “thank you” to the OMON for stomping and arresting a Greenpeace activist? Could it be because of his annoying-as-fuck mascot costume, which screams “Stomp Me!” Look at the pictures below and try to tell me that not only were the OMON totally justified, but they showed incredible restraint. Too much restraint, given the costume’s crime–where, I ask, were the OMON’s famous dubinki (clubs)? (more…)

You know how even Bush haters will admit that his one undisputed good deed was getting all that AIDS prevention funding to Africa? But, boy, do they have it all wrong. More than anything, Bush’s efforts show how little anyone really cares about saving Africans. It’s the same with the Melindas, Bonos, Geldofs and all the other UN Mother Teresas out there. To them, the potential social costs of really fighting the epidemic and having all its uncomfortable details out in the open are just not worth it. Let me explain: (more…)

If you’ve ever been in Russia, you’ve no doubt seen the token dead-drunk man, barely stumbling home from work in the middle of winter. You probably thought to yourself: What happens if that guy falls and passes out? Well, here’s your answer: they go on light freeze and emerge with the first thaw. (more…)