Q: How many jobs have you held?
A: Take the actual number of jobs and multiply by three.
Q: Are you usually fired or do you quit?
A: Mostly fired.
Q: For what reasons?
A: Inability to carry out job duties and follow instructions.
Q: Do you have any hobbies?
A: Yes. List as many things that you like to do as possible. 5 or more over the course of adult life is good. Mention inability to concentrate on more than one consecutive game of billiards at a time.
Q: Do you maintain hobbies for long periods of time?
A: No. Usually only a few months. Video games are an exception.
Q: What is your financial situation? Do you save money?
A: Frequently in debt. Impulsive shopper. Frequently lose or abandon property.
Q: Driving habits?
A: Involved in frequent fender benders. Don’t own a car because of high insurance costs. (For extra ADD points, confide in the psychiatrist that you were always a very nervous driver. People made fun of you for it.)
Q: How many drinks do you consume a week?
A: Two, with a maximum of 5.
Q: Sexual relationships?
A: Difficult to keep up a conversation with the opposite sex. For males, sexual encounters are rare. For females, one-night stands are very frequent. Long-term relationships are very rare. Males, for extra points, talk about constant masturbation and hiring prostitutes.
This article originally appeared in the print edition of The eXile in June, 2006.
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