An eXiled eXclusive: The Martin Amis Pre-Eulogy To Christopher Hitchens: “The Man Whose Pharynx Was Horrorized”

Gloats / December 16, 2011

By Team eXiled

Well folks, the world’s longest neocon death-watch is over: Christopher Hitchens, “whose main distinction in the English literary world was his alacrity in betraying friends when advantage loomed,” is finally dead. Readers of The eXiled have sent us so many comforting emails today, because you know how this occasion pains us, in a gloating-through-tears sort of way. We ask you to join us in gloating together. For today we have lost Christopher Hitchens, but we have gained an irony: For Hitchens died on the day that his beloved Iraq War Debacle came to an end.

Why, God, why?!

Or better to ask, “Why, America? Why all the shameful blubbering over this bloodthirsty limey hack? What is wrong with you people?”

We already answered that question too a few years back:

Americans have been falling in unrequited love with these glib visiting Brits since frontier days. Every time a 19th-c. British author overspent on child prostitutes or laudanum, he or she embarked on an American lecture tour to repair the family finances, following Dickens’ path from one muddy American boomtown to the next. At every stop the author would let the yokels adore him for a few minutes, then retire to make careful notes on the locals’ ignorance, foul table manners and general stupidity for the scathing book to be published once safe in London. And the Yanks fell for it every time. After wining and dining their distinguished visitor, the social elite of Podunk would order copies of the noble visitor’s account, hoping to see their names in print-only to be stunned at the lecturer’s sketch of Podunk as a stinking backwater, and brief description of its leading lights as an “execrable mob of beasts.”
I’ll bet an appendage Hitchens hates his groveling audience of American suckers just as much as his Victorian predecessors did. His earlier books are remarkable for their strident anti-American tone–and I mean compared to other books by British Trotskyites. In other words, he’s rabid, folks. He’d hit that nuclear trigger and vaporize your sweet hometown in a second, ya suckers.

Yes folks, we shall miss Chris Hitchens. And so today, in a very non-exploitative manner, we are reprinting The eXiled’s eXclusive Martin Amis “Pre-elegy” to Hitchens that we published 15 months ago, in anticipation of today’s tragic news. As we explained last September,

Instead of waiting for the throat cancer to take him away, we decided to get proactively involved in the ol’ warmonger’s impending death by generating, through our new technology, The Big Eulogy (or “Pre-legy”) we’re all waiting for: the Martin Amis funeral speech, before it’s written.
Our programmer created a virtual Martin Amis verbiage-generator tool called MartinMate 2.0. Using MartinMate 2.0, we plugged in three key variables– “Hitchens,” “Terror,” and “Throat Cancer”–and ran them through the virtual Amis to generate a eulogy that will have them weeping in the seminar aisles, but in a smart and highly literate weeping sort of way.

The Man Whose Pharynx Was Horrorized
By Martin Amis
In Memory of Christopher Hitchens, 1949-[~~TK date of publication~~ 2011] (note to ed: hold this piece for publication until throat c. gets Hitch; then publish IMMED. MA)
The first hiccup of his usurpation was the second bottle. It slithered past the incisors, a Mamba of zooanthropic vengeance, exuding a peaty pathos, a 12-year-old blurt of inhumation, to crash against the pharynx which had held, Cincinattus-esque, against so many lucre-hefted Caledonian tides, but which on this first day of a coming future teetered and fell, a single twin tower, a meat WTC, revealing in its nude Lucretism the weakness of the West. The belch of flame engulfed us all. It was the end of everything. In all the great conurbations of the trembling Occident, we took a step backward, appalled and sickened by that belch of the grave.
The pharynx: une rose en steak, a cellwall sturdy yet preemptively extinguished like Harold’s at Hastings, stood revealed as mere jello against the Cullodenic onslaught of dissolution, literal, Balrogian, galvanic. Its first insolent anthem was a belch of Gehennan digestic juices screaming Jihad. Their chthonic conturbation overwhelmed Oxbridge, Fleet Street, and obliterated the Canary Wharf of his voice.
Yet the loyal were slow to assign verity to the dispersing cloud of thanatos, the radius of Terror, the red circle of total destruction mapped by that hiccup, for more than a pharynx wobbled in the scales. This was the pharynx that, like Lady Gaga’s meat dress, shielded multitudes from the unspeakable. This voicebox shimmered wetly as impassable barrier to the desert hordes, a blood-gorged sahel holding back the sands of the Sahara, each grain incised with Koranic verses promising death. It was as if, in a documentary produced by Elburzian deities for our demoralization, we were watching in slow motion as an infiltrated grain of sand slipped through security, evaded the metal detectors unturned to silicate, however fanatical, and by stearine mimicry of the Western smile, was assigned a seat on that precious pharynx, economy class no doubt but deadly enough for all its demotic parsimony, and once strapped in, the safety video mournfully complete, the seat-belt sign turned off, this alien silicate, this Horda of fundamentalism, left its seat on the pharynx and migrated throatward, recruiting comrades among the notoriously perverted tribes of the lower throat, the upper Nile, the treacherous Nubia of a now utterly vulnerable Egypt: his very head.
(Note to ed. Is this enough? I can do you however much you want but it will be twice the usual rate—close friend, v. shaken up, etc. MA)
[Yasha–delete these notes from Marty before posting, he gets v. upset. don’t want Marty doing another of his ‘Marty breaking bathroom mirror Marty taking photo of self in cracked mirror looking scary/angry/smart Marty publishing photo in Guardian with essay on anger and Terror’ sort of thing happening again–Ames]

Would you like to know more? Read Ramon Glazov’s “How Christopher Hitchens Robbed Hunter S. Thompson’s Grave” and Mark Ames’ “Christopher ‘Blubber-Jaw’ Hitchens Picks A 3-Against-1 Fight With A Syrian Nerd And Still Gets His Ass Stomped”.

Buy The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia co-authored by Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi (Grove Press).

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53 Comments

Add your own

1. Bradford C. | December 16th, 2011 at 1:35 pm
FOOL
ULYSSES>for Bradford<WAILS
I am that Gaelic Welp, who has grown into a TERRIBLE DRAGON, so that I could betray my brothers and supplant The Love which they took for granted…
O TO HOLD THE REIGNS OF THE CHARIOT WHEN SHE DELIVERS THE KILLING BLOW ON OUR ELYSIAN FIELDS, THAT IS THE TERRIFYING DREAM I BEAR FOR THE SAKE OF MAN KIND
TO COWER IN OUR PRESENCE IS TO BE AN INSECT
FACE YOUR FEARS AND ACCEPT OUR DEATH IF YOU
WANT TO GET IN TO VALHALLA
Grants know what I'm talking about…
2. one-eyed jesus muffin | December 16th, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Welding torches and battery acid be damned.
Can’t you let him rot one day in peace before yah quarter the the myth of the man?
Satan Clause might smite thee for the bad karmah, worry ye, worry.
THE ALMIGHTY EXILED CENSOR REPLIES: Yeah, speaking of “bad karma” and worrying, yeah, m’m-h’m, that bad karma really did a number on Stalin, Mao, King Leopold II, Queen Victoria, and all the other mass murderers who died peacefully in their sleep in their old age. Yeah, “bad karma”‘s a bitch all right.
3. aleke | December 16th, 2011 at 3:08 pm
Continue the fine tradition (and only worthy contribution) Hitchens espoused of defiling criminals, cowards, and urchins on their death day (see: his choice words on Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell, on the day of their death: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Hitchens%27s_critiques_of_public_figures )
May you rot, hitchens, and god keep you away from the million dead iraqis.
4. aleke | December 16th, 2011 at 3:10 pm
My favorite Hitchens pre-eulogy:
Before the hearing began, the Respect MP for Bethnal Green and Bow even had some scorn left over to bestow generously upon the pro-war writer Christopher Hitchens. “You’re a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay,” Mr Galloway in formed him. “Your hands are shaking. You badly need another drink,” he added later, ignoring Mr Hitchens’s questions and staring intently ahead. “And you’re a drink-soaked …” Eventually Mr Hitchens gave up. “You’re a real thug, aren’t you?” he hissed, stalking away.
5. Jonni Limonov | December 16th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
WHoa… Mao was much better than Leopold II or Queen Victoria….
THE AES REPLIES: we do not disagree
6. Doctor Memory | December 16th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
“Of the dead, speak only good.”
Christopher Hitchens is dead.
Good.
7. John Drinkwater | December 16th, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I was very afraid that he was going to survive the cancer, which would have made him all the more hate-able. Glad to see nature doing its work. Hitchens, he was a scumbag.
8. Bradford C. | December 16th, 2011 at 6:55 pm
Mao just had a good sense of humor.
That doesn’t make him any less of a worthless shitstain cum bucket retarded ass piece of filth scum whore that History should persecute unmercifully~
9. Ex Pat | December 16th, 2011 at 6:58 pm
#6 – Excellent !
“He was a (Neo-Con) Nazi Whore”
10. dominic | December 16th, 2011 at 7:20 pm
yeah, the poetic justice is overwhelming. i mean cancer of the Larynx? The tool he used to spread his hatred and imbicility is what got him in the end. My voodoo doll/prayers to satan useually focused on Ariel Sharon, Cheney, or Rumsfeld to die slow, agonizing, humiliating deaths, but I’ll take Hitchens for sure.
11. Miguel | December 16th, 2011 at 7:37 pm
Where is Martin Amis? Ian McEwan already had his piece.
12. William | December 16th, 2011 at 7:59 pm
I suspect the author of this was seriously stoned.
13. Two | December 16th, 2011 at 9:11 pm
To call Hitchens pro-war or a neo-conservative is myopic and skewed at best and dishonest at worst. He was anti-authoritarian, and his argument in favor of the war in Iraq – however much I disagreed with him – was in line with those principles.
And to aleke: in order to argue that Hitchens should be shat upon on his death because of what he did to others, you’re implying that Reagan, Falwell, et al, were respectable figures. In which case you don’t deserve to breathe the same air as the great man.
RIP, Hitch.
14. Gustavo Arellano | December 16th, 2011 at 10:27 pm
Mark: Please eviscerate Hitch further—this was far too kind.
15. matt | December 16th, 2011 at 11:39 pm
@13
“To call Hitchens pro-war…” He was pro-war! In his own words! He supported both of Bush’s invasions. Nothing myopic or dishonest about stating the obvious.
And you might want to explain how supporting the invasion of Iraq is “anti-authoritarian.” Doesn’t sound anti-authoritarian to support the world’s most powerful military in its invasion and destruction of a much smaller and weaker nation.
Some light reading on Hitchens:
http://leninology.blogspot.com/2011/12/late-christopher-hitchens.html
16. Two | December 17th, 2011 at 3:55 am
@15
Your comment there proves you’ve never even read Hitchens. What kind of moron do you have to be to say that being in favor of one ill-begotten war means he was in favor of all wars? You have no idea what his principles are, and you have no mind of your own. You only regurgitate the empty sayings of those whose dicks you’d like to suck.
So tell me, what kind of blood-lusting neo-con would memorise this:
http://andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com/2011/12/nor-law-nor-duty-bade-me-fight.html
That link above is to a neocon hack liar and an HIV-positive gay homophobe who trolled Craigslist for unprotected sex
Not that that doesn’t give him incredible moral courage and credibility to a retard like myself, just saying…
17. Mr. Bad | December 17th, 2011 at 4:45 am
Yes, this is all true, but nobody is ALL bad and it was a lot of fun watching him toy with evangelical/creationist “intellectuals”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TmxAGhC-gLU#!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=inCpro8NEaw#
18. Нестор Махно | December 17th, 2011 at 4:52 am
Once he began to hang out with the Cokie Roberts cocktail set, he became a celebrity entertainer. Was it her eyes or her eyelashes??? What a tryst!
19. Нестор Махно | December 17th, 2011 at 4:54 am
I mean, “bang” Cokie. My bad. She was right-leaning, Koch-snorting, punk-listening aristocracy at its TINA root!
20. Michael | December 17th, 2011 at 5:03 am
As a regular exiled troller, this has to be the most infuriating thing my boss at my PR company has told me to say I’ve seen you publish. I love your bile. I wish I had a spine.
21. Bradford C. | December 17th, 2011 at 5:06 am
ZULU MEN OF HARLECK
Publish your fucking poems somewhere else, asshole
22. Bradford C. | December 17th, 2011 at 5:16 am
The Guardian of Earth
Is promised to Men
Who honor the Ainu
23. Bradford C. | December 17th, 2011 at 6:20 am
DEEP CAVERNS AWAIT
IN THE DEPTHS OF MY LADY’S
SOUL
O TO BE WITH STONEWALL JACKSON
AS HE TAUGHT THE SLAVES TO READ…
24. burbl | December 17th, 2011 at 9:05 am
Fuck you morons, Hitchens was an ATHEIST who spoke against the demented.
I hope your “so well tolerated” Islamists will make you eat your balls.
25. DeeboCools | December 17th, 2011 at 9:55 am
No one gives a shit, but I like Christopher Hitchens and the eXile writers on about the same level.
I like the muckraking on his death day, too. Hitch would approve.
26. matt | December 17th, 2011 at 10:22 am
@16
I never called him a neo-con.
So Hitch memorized some yeats and that somehow cancels out the million or so dead Iraqi civilians, not to mention all the dead American soldiers, who died in the name of corporate profits? Hitchens knew enough about history to know that Iraq was never going to be some cakewalk; he must have been aware that no country enjoys being occupied by a foreign army. Also, he must have been aware of the possibility for very serous sectarian violence. But he supported it anyway, and got paid well to do it. I’m sure there are plenty of right wingers who know a lot about literature, poetry, and philosophy, but that doesn’t make their views any more humane.
Seriously, imagine if one of the wall street banksters (Blankfein or Dimon) went to one of the protests and mic checked some Baudelaire in the original French? The rubes might be impressed, but that doesn’t change the fact they want to fuck us all and ruin the lives of millions so they can have more money. Just like it doesn’t change the fact that Hitchens was very well read but that didn’t stop him from cheering on mass murder.
Again, what is “anti-authoritarian” about supporting the mass slaughter of civilians so Bush Jr. can think he’s finally making daddy happy and Cheney can make his friends rich?
http://coreyrobin.com/2011/12/16/christopher-hitchens-the-most-provincial-spirit-of-all/
27. Ilona | December 17th, 2011 at 10:32 am
Is this Martin Amis piece a parody or a piece of true literature gold by Martin Amis himself? Does someone really write that way? Seriously? Like books and stuff?
If it’s a parody, kudos to the writer for elegantly emulating one of the most pompous and annoying writing style. Ever.
If it’s not… Uh huh…
28. John Drinkwater | December 17th, 2011 at 11:24 am
Thank “Two” for demonstrating just how stupid the typical Hitchens fan is.
29. Sturgeon Slaw | December 17th, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Well, I suppose the best thing one can say about Hitchens is that even if his thinking was sloppy, his drunken invective was mildly amusing.
He did have style … and he was gracious enough to wait until Orwell died before he stole it from him.
30. bletch | December 17th, 2011 at 2:38 pm
i don’t give a shit about christopher hitches but thank you for calling out nabokov earlier
31. Michael | December 17th, 2011 at 3:19 pm
Holy fuck! Wow! I’m (post 20, Michael) hardly a troller when you read the rest of the comments you did choose to publish. Why don’t you actually check the few threads I’ve actually posted on in eXiled. I used my real email address. I have to ask, what company or PR agency from New Zealand would actually give a shit about what eXiled is writing? I’ll guess not a single one in the entire history of eXiled.
32. Two | December 17th, 2011 at 3:34 pm
@ 28
No, thank you and all the rest for demonstrating what a bunch of reactionary, ill-educated morons this website attracts. I suggest you stop your one-handed internet browsing, pick up an actual book, and learn about how the real world works. The intellectual depth of most posters here are worthy for the schoolboy’s lavatory wall and nothing more.
33. Bought&Sold | December 17th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Always Remember That This Is A Man Who Said That Blow-Jobs Were Overated!
34. Bought&Sold | December 17th, 2011 at 4:57 pm
I Forgot. He Didn’t Say Giving Or Receiving Or Both!
35. Eric Blair | December 17th, 2011 at 5:15 pm
Who’s Christopher Hitchens?
36. super390 | December 17th, 2011 at 5:21 pm
Two,
If progressives can’t even agree in unanimity that the invasion was a tool of evil from the get-go, based on the information available at the time, then there’s no point in being a progressive because the right wing has already established a monopoly of power.
But then, try bashing the South on a liberal site like Kos and you’ll see that “liberals” can’t agree after all this time that secession was a bad idea. Pathetic.
37. Lost Muse | December 17th, 2011 at 5:28 pm
Hitchen’s Downfall Started When He Realized That He Wasn’t Going To Be The Orwell Of His Time. He Then Failed To Be The Christopher Hitchens Of His Time. Now He’s A Footnote.
38. adam | December 17th, 2011 at 5:30 pm
Following that link in the first paragraph leads you to this little gem:
“As Twain said, a double load of buckshot in the back is our idea of single combat”
eXiled is the second link that comes up when googling “Twain double load of buckshot”.
Free Republic claims the top spot and it leads to a hilarious post by a guy who says:
“I know my neighbors and trust them. I want them armed…I did some research and came to the conclusion that buckshot was the best SHTF shotgun round to have…I will be giving a couple of 5 round boxes of this ammo to all of my neighbors who have 12 gauges this Christmas.”
Well, isn’t that special!
39. Cum | December 17th, 2011 at 6:42 pm
Hah, I remember one interview where Hitchens claimed the moral high ground in the West’s fight against the bloody terrorists: “We don’t blow up Shia Mosques!” Its not true and like he really gives a fuck anyways. I remember being impressed in undergrad with his statement “faith is a weakness” – how radical! But I soon learne that no, its just another statement of bigotry rather than an honest intellectual conviction. Its not a fair statement either – even being an atheist it is blatantly obvious to me that faith is often a source of strength for people.
40. Two | December 17th, 2011 at 6:51 pm
@36
Though I was opposed to the Iraq War, want higher taxes for the wealthy, am in favor of reproductive rights, a better welfare and social security system, want to eliminate the military-industrial and corporate complexes that run our current system, etc etc etc etc etc I do not identify as a progressive, liberal, socialist, or anything else for that matter. But I do identify as a beigist bore.
Why? I hate ideology, dogma, and conformity in all its forms, as it stifles clarity of mind, scruples, and creativity. Which is why Hitchens was alright with me even though I disagreed with him on some matters. The greatest minds are often too wise for labels.
He was the Man of Letters of our time, and I will be surprised if we see another like him in my lifetime. I think half the people on here shit on him because they’re jealous they’ll never be half the writer or as well-read as him; the other half are too simple-minded to appreciate his complexity.
Only the dull will appreciate those who march in lockstep with them on all the issues of the day.
Anyhow, in my own boring beigist way I find it mildly hypocritical for the Exiled to be tauting VF’s endorsement at the top of this page while shitting all over Hitchens, who was employed by them for two decades.
41. Two | December 17th, 2011 at 7:01 pm
Also, who’s the moron who wrote “The Man Whose Pharynx Was Horrorized”?
He had esophageal cancer, not pharyngeal cancer, as everyone under the sun fucking knows.
42. atlas_lied | December 17th, 2011 at 11:02 pm
If Two can stop for a second and unlock his jaws from Hitchens’ cold, shrivelled balls, he’d see Hitchens as less of a god and more of an amoral, opportunistic bastard.
More of the “you’re just jealous of him” line. Ames wrote an open letter advising Jim Goad that if he wanted to hurt Ames he should accuse Ames of being jealous of Taibbi. Hitchens was famous and he had wit, but he was still a lying douche. Unless of course, you inferred that his final decade of bullshit really had some dopey, unnecessarily esoteric meaning. Maybe reading Hitchens’ pro-war bloviating had a subliminal message about the value of the spotted owl? It’s like listening to Hotel California and deducing the meaning of life.
Hitchens along with the more orthodox neocon cheerleaders intentionally ignored all empirical evidence and actively supported a costly, violent, and ultimately self-destructive military adventure.
43. kormaan643 | December 18th, 2011 at 12:19 am
Last week there’s only one important writer who died
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/dec/14/russell-hoban
Hitchens wasn’t worth licking Hoban’s boots, but for some reasons he’s getting all the (undeserved) spotlight. Bah!
44. On | December 18th, 2011 at 4:47 am
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056485585
Irish atheists discuss Hitch’s death, there is some Death of Mao style hysteria
45. Two | December 18th, 2011 at 5:25 am
I like the Almighty Exiled Censor improves the retarded comments on here added two dull splashes of ‘beigist bore’ to my name. I feel like a more interesting person.
46. Mr. Bad | December 18th, 2011 at 8:05 am
@39. Cum
I don’t think that he meant that faith can’t be useful as an organizing principle within society but that it is fundamentally a weakness in that it obscures rather than clarifies experience, if faith makes people “stronger” you could say the same for hatred, xenophobia, willful ignorance and fanaticism, all fellow travelers in most faith based systems.
47. helplesscase | December 18th, 2011 at 10:51 am
Two, Gulf War II wasn’t the only war Hitch supported. He came out in favor of the Falklands and NATO intervention in Bosnia (he opposed Gulf War I for reasons that are muddled). I mean those are all silly, low-cal wars compared to the Grand Shit-Storm in Iraq, but take your own advice and read about Hitch’s entire life before you try and characterize him as a once-misguided Man of Peace.
48. standard1anthony | December 18th, 2011 at 12:14 pm
Fucking hilarious. The “eulogy” was so spot-on I couldn’t even finish it. EXILED for politburo! Cheers.
49. jim | December 18th, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Epic words for an epic troll.
50. grant | January 3rd, 2012 at 1:12 am
Yabba dabba doO!!!
51. grant | January 3rd, 2012 at 1:14 am
Yeah, censor hypocritical fucking trollls like me. It adds to the pain i feel.
i want to dry-hump phonies like hitchens.
52. grant | January 3rd, 2012 at 4:29 pm
Wow, you actually improved my comments without allowing me to pollute the blogosphere any more than I already have. Thank you, O Almighty Exiled Censor!
53. Tom W Harris | October 26th, 2015 at 2:42 pm
“Mr Galloway in formed him”
George “Nazi Filth” Galloway couldn’t “in form” shit. In fact he ain’t nuthin’ BUT shit and neither are any of his fanroaches.