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The Daily Inquisition / October 31, 2008

Statement of the Grand Inquisitor: Anyone dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween is condemned to waterboarding with extreme prejudice. How we’re going to manage to torture such a huge crowd of morons I don’t know—we’ll have to hire a lot of temps, I guess, and have them work in shifts. Because as far as I can tell, everyone is going as Sarah Palin tonight. Male, female, young, old, gay, straight, human, animal, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to see thousands of fake (or should I say faker) Sarah Palins roaming the streets, lock your doors and keep the curtains closed.

This is the final straw in ruining Halloween, a once-proud holiday. It’s been going steadily downhill for centuries. Used to be pretty cool when the Celts invented it. In those days it meant bonfires and terror. Winter was coming on, see, and back then winter meant death in a not-abstract way. So you looked over your harvest haul, thought about how unlikely it was to get your clan through the winter, and in a fury of defiance went out into the cold to set a bonfire and shriek at the sky. Any ghosts flying around were warned to keep off because you weren’t giving up without a fight.

Like I said, pretty cool.

But over the years it’s gotten ever cuter and campier till by now it’s so debased there’s nothing to do but try to ignore it. And this Sarah Palin thing is just the last straw.

Statement of the Defense: People think she’s scary, that’s the point of it.

Verdict: Don’t dignify it by claiming there’s a “point.” Hire the temps.


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