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Dear eXiled... / December 9, 2008

Today’s cry for help comes from a reader named Edwin. Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.

*****

Dear eXiled,
How do I stop being a virgin?
Yours truly,
22 years old computer nerd.

*****

Dear Mr. Virgin,

Listen carefully. You’ll have to change the way you see the world. What you think is important isn’t going to help. Things you may consider trivial are very useful in the quest to end virginity.

Step one is the hardest, and you may not even be able to do it alone. You may need to ask for help. Here it is: look at yourself. Painful, yes, but that proves nothing. Here are the things that DO NOT MATTER, though you probably think they do:

being short

not having muscles

being “shy”

There are other things that matter a little, but keep in mind they’re only SLIGHT DISADVANTAGES, NOT DISQUALIFICATIONS:

being fat

being a nice person

Moving outward from the body, we come to the clothes. Clothes are an indication of vanity, and–listen carefully here — VANITY IS GOOD. You need to become vain right now. You need to preen. It doesn’t actually matter whether your clothes are good or bad, they just have to be carefully arranged and expensive and arrogant. The point is to look like you have a functioning male ego.

This leads us to the next point: be a little mean. And above all, be inconsistent — mean one minute, nice the next. Don’t tell the truth about what you think. In fact, talk less and be more aggressive. Ask questions, then let a nervous silence hang over her answers. This is how the game is played.

And the last, biggest lesson: ask. I bet you don’t ask. I bet you believe the movies, where the beautiful female lead just naturally gravitates to the passive nerd. THIS IS A LIE. You will waste your youth waiting for it to happen and IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Put yourself–once you’re dressed expensively and acting a little arrogant–in situations where lots of cute but not club-wise young women go. Try volunteering at a local animal shelter. Or get a job at a library. And for God’s sake, TALK TO THE WOMAN YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH. No matter what the movies told you, she will NOT just naturally seek you out in your fetid room. You have to find her and you have to talk to her. It gets easier once you’ve done it a few times.

So, to sum up:

1. Dress expensively and carefully.
2. Stop abasing yourself.

3. Go to the places cute young women hang out.
4. Talk to them.
If you don’t do these things, you will be a bitter old man. I know.

—Dr. Dolan

*****

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34 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Rob  |  December 9th, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    4. Talk to them about something OTHER than your world of warcraft high elf and his +5 sword.

  • 2. xyz  |  December 9th, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Is the guy in the picture Gary the fat war nerd?

  • 3. Farmer Iggy  |  December 9th, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    I’ve done everything on that list for years, except ask. Maybe I’m gay.

  • 4. oleg  |  December 9th, 2008 at 7:22 pm

    Save money and get a hooker. Or move to a third world country (Cambodia, anyone?) – you’ll still be a priced at a premium there (until they figure you out, but by then you’ll be liberated from your ordeal many times over). Women with even a token self-esteem avoid 22 yr old virgins like a plague (needless to say, 22 yr old male virgin is easy to spot by a panoply of unfortunate signs). Couple of years is all you have to rectify the situation. Desperation is well warranted. Expensive clothes may not help anymore. Your plight calls for most garish outfit available, with all the bling and fake confidence you can muster. Good luck, man.

  • 5. grin  |  December 9th, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    If you are making money as a computer nerd, you should carefully use a Website called Eros.com, or carefully check the Yellow Pages under Escort (or better yet your local underground sex newspaper, Nightmoves, anyone? You’ll find them in the local pornography store, and sometimes in the drawers in cheap hotels next to those Gideon Bibles they put in there) or carefully try out your local lingerie modeling shop or asian massage parlor depending on what part of the country you are in. Once it was a place that supposedly sold vibrating matresses. Really.

    Be careful, one the one hand this will likely lead to better sex than the dating route. I wouldn’t know because I went straight from hiring a few escorts over the years, to dating an escort without ever having been out on a normal date. (Oh, I made a few feeble atempts at asking regular girls out, but asking one beautiful girl out every four years never worked out for me…)

    On the other hand, from my experience dating an escort is a lot like hiring an escort, except it costs you your life savings and puts you into massive debt. Oh, and you get to meet her family and the sex is still spectacular, provided you don’t get tired of the same woman every time.

    Also, you will inevitably come into contact with local law enforcement, possibly getting the car you bought her out of impound. (Sometimes meeting the family and getting involved with law enforcement come at the same time… but that’s a long story…)

    So, this is where the danger is… it’s a wild ride.

  • 6. Kirby  |  December 9th, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    Oleg! For one’s first time, who needs a woman with self-esteem? Ya just need one that’s horny! Sure, it might not be an experience worthy of great literature…but every journey starts with a single step, doesn’t it?

    In any case, Doc Dolan did speak the greatest truth: TALK to the ladies, for Christ’s sake!

  • 7. John Smith  |  December 9th, 2008 at 9:08 pm

    I picture Gary to be an order of magnitude fatter than that.

  • 8. oleg  |  December 9th, 2008 at 9:17 pm

    Kirby, my bad. I don’t know what happened to me when I typed that “self-esteem” shit. It’s inexplicable. Must be unhealthy desire to help someone in need, the compassion bug or something… If that horror somehow repeats again, I’ll have to resort to extreme measures and stop reading such heart-breaking stories for awhile. Ddidn’t mean to shock anyone, sorry.

  • 9. Cap'n Sticky  |  December 9th, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    Buy all the Benny Hinn VHS reruns you can on eBay, then watch them in reverse. 5 zlotys says you’ll score Bjork within 6 minutes.

  • 10. Amos  |  December 10th, 2008 at 12:18 am

    Dude, just be yourself and girls will like you. Ha ha ha ha!

    Okay I’m sorry. Might I suggest you hire a hooker? A fat, ugly one probably wouldn’t cost too much and for an extra fifty you can get her to smack your junk around.

  • 11. Skööby Döö  |  December 10th, 2008 at 12:41 am

    Ugh. Comments should be prohibited by law. Scrolling down to the comments after reading an article by Dr. Dolan is like having a bowl of vomit for dessert after a tasty meal.

  • 12. Roger Dodger  |  December 10th, 2008 at 1:52 am

    Rob: On World of Datecraft that’s considered to be pillow talk.

  • 13. Harv  |  December 10th, 2008 at 2:37 am

    fuck you

  • 14. Mar C  |  December 10th, 2008 at 4:41 am

    Convince the girl that you are not insterested in having sex with her and she’ll want you more than anything.

  • 15. Arnold Hitler  |  December 10th, 2008 at 5:19 am

    The real secret of dating is not known either to Dolan and to the rest of commenters and any reader actually can feel it.

    Clothes and talking do rarely ‘click’ but Dolan is too narrow-minded to understand why it is happening. Overall, it’s totally fucked up to read how an U.S.A. Liberal Arts professor teaches international audience to pick up chicks, totally fucked up. My only hope is that the soon nuclear apocalypse will correct this matter. Maybe the protozoans or some divisions of metazoans will have a chance then.

  • 16. Aaron  |  December 10th, 2008 at 7:44 am

    “Ugh. Comments should be prohibited by law. Scrolling down to the comments after reading an article by Dr. Dolan is like having a bowl of vomit for dessert after a tasty meal.”

    Seconded. Why the fuck do you want to let shit-for-brains wastes of tissue like us scribble with our crayons all over the end of an otherwise good article?

  • 17. Sara  |  December 10th, 2008 at 9:01 am

    Hey Rob, guys can land with girls with those comments if they go to the right places (there are a lot of girls in gaming groups!)

  • 18. Baked Dr. Luny  |  December 10th, 2008 at 9:51 am

    Girls in gaming groups=sluts with low self esteem who like fantasy and anime. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. There’s plenty of under-utilized dick out there in the realm of 22 year old computer nerds and it can’t all be that bad. The only problem is these girls tend to be bat-shit insane and if there’s one rule worth living by it is this: Don’t fuck crazy bitches.

  • 19. Peter  |  December 10th, 2008 at 10:26 am

    Don’t bet on the nerd girl route. If they’re pretty enough, they get cruised by the smarter douchebags (a phenomenon which fills me with a rage I imagine, in my vanity, to be similar to Malcolm X’s when witnessing rich white dumbasses cruise Harlem for exotic black tail). Also there’s a pecking order amongst the nerds as anywhere, and even if more and more girls are nerding it up, there’s still way more dudes, and on occasion there’s one or two that are almost physically appealing, and moreover either nicely vulnerable or able to strut, at least among their nerd peers. I guess it’s worth a try but it’s no golden road of El Dorado.

  • 20. esch  |  December 10th, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    this is some fucked up shit

  • 21. 40 Year Old Single Guy  |  December 10th, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Great article as always from Dr. Dolan.

    I understand perfectly. I was a total dweeb in my 20s.
    Then, at 32, I went back to college to finish my degree. And my sex-life took off. Young girls love older guys. OK, not all of them but 1% of 30,000 female students is 300 girls to choose from. Older guys probably have money, are more knowledgeable about the world, and are just more interesting to them than the Beavis and Butthead 20 somethings they’re used to.
    What I learned is: girls want the guy who will support their children. They want stability, not just money. And it helps to be smart. Learn something you don’t learn on the street or from TV. Get interested in Art and Music (preferably classical or jazz). And don’t worry about getting older and not getting any.
    As a guy you’re never too old. Only too stupid. You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt or be super rich. (or have a huge penis) Just smart and stable and they’ll come to you.

  • 22. Kavuye Toon  |  December 10th, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    Helping 22 year old virgins have sex creates more happiness in the world than all of the toys ever given to the tots

  • 23. goat_farmers_of_the_CIA  |  December 10th, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    Hey Kavuye! Is that poetry or some kind of ancient wisdom?

  • 24. Joe  |  December 11th, 2008 at 4:35 am

    tree words: Belarus, Moldavia, West Ukraine. You can score there even if your on minimum wage.

  • 25. Angelika  |  December 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    From a girl’s perspective, 40 Year Old Single Guy said it right..
    But for a quicker/easier surefire way to get laid – get her drunk and you’re in like flynn

  • 26. virgincomputernerd  |  December 13th, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    Clearly, the guy in the pic is sitting in front of an IBM PC XT. Why would Gary have an XT?

  • 27. totalesturns  |  December 13th, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    @18, 19:

    Agreed. “Look for a girl who shares your interests” is the LAST piece of advice you should give a nerdy male virgin.

    Most “girl geeks” are headcases with low self-esteem who get into “nerdy” hobbies because they like being the center of sexual attention. And the remainder are sick to death of fending off clumsy pickup attempts from desperate virgins.

  • 28. Carpenter  |  December 15th, 2008 at 7:43 am

    I got a girlfriend by talking to her at a bus station. Take notes. Getting a girlfriend, looking for an apartment, looking for a new job are all like fishing: you have to try over and over again, and realize that ending up with nothing is the usual result. So accept that, and keep trying until you are lucky.

    And do push-ups. Chest muscles help, and they make you feel more confident. Of all the things you can do for your body shape, push-ups has the best effort-to-yield ratio.

  • 29. Carpenter  |  December 15th, 2008 at 7:51 am

    By the way, you want to know what kind of men girls like? Read romantic paper-back novels. You’ll see one type over and over: the tongue-in-cheek stubble-cheeked guy with the devilish grin who drives the heroine crazy, but underneath it all he has a heart of gold, when the right woman comes along. There is more to it than that, but you will have to read for yourselves. Seriously, dump the advice websites and books and read those paperbacks. Very interesting.

  • 30. Gwenwyn  |  March 7th, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    Oh yes, god knows any woman who gets into gaming MUST do it for the sex and not for the awesome explosions, guns, decent gameplay and the better-than-crappy graphics of ‘female’ oriented games. I might add that many guy nerds are not that hot on the sane-insane scale.

    If you’re a decent guy that games, you probably won’t have too difficult time finding a decent female that games too (the crazy ones are usually hooking up in the supply closet 😉 ) I mean, our DnD group is about half-n-half, gender wise. College, baby, will rock your world for chick-nerds that won’t psycho your ass. Just talking to someone in a remotely intelligent and non-arrogant way will do wonders, virgin or not.

    (although I do agree that talking about MMORPG characters is generally not recommended unless you’re comparing ^_^)

    And by all means, if you want a one night stand, the frat houses often have a party on. Enjoy yourself, and don’t worry about the rash that develops two weeks later.

  • 31. Phillipe  |  January 25th, 2011 at 4:49 pm

    I preffer to be a bitter old man. Fuck you.

  • 32. COCKSON  |  February 12th, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    THANK YOU DOCTOR DOLAN I HAVE FOLLOWED THIS ADVICE AND IT HAS WORKED VERY WELL NOW MY ONLY QUESTION IS WHICH EXILED EDITOR IS THE HAIRIEST IS IT MARK OR YASHA PLZ SAY THANK YOU DOCTOR DOLAN

  • 33. COCKSON  |  February 12th, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    become professor, fuck undergraduate stoodents. ’nuff said.

  • 34. AMY ALKON  |  February 13th, 2012 at 10:07 am

    WHY ARE JOSHUA FOUST’S POSTS NOT TAGGED WITH “MALE VIRGINITY”


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