Gran Torino (12/17)
Clint Eastwood directs himself in a role reflecting his actual age, which is old. It’s something about him overcoming his crusty tough-codger prejudices after a Korean neighbor kid steals his vintage car. Will he and the kid bond, or will he shoot the kid after telling him to go ahead and make his day? The suspense is overwhelming.

The Wrestler (12/17)
Oh, this is going to be terrible. Just the stills from it are mortifying, and that’s clearly the point. People are going to sit there gaping at the abject ruin that is now Mickey Rourke, and then give him an Oscar nomination for Greatest Self-abasement. He’s throwing himself into it, of course, practically mopping the floor with his own tears in interviews. God, I wish it were over.

Seven Pounds (12/19)
This has Will Smith in it, but nobody seems to know what it’s about, or what it is that weighs seven pounds. It’s a secret. So, do you want to trade what you’ve already got—two hours of your life that you’re not getting back—for what’s behind Door #3?

Yes Man (12/19)
Weirdly outdated-looking comedy with Jim Carrey playing exactly those kind of high concept yukster roles he used to do years ago, like The Mask or Liar Liar, only now he’s looking older and meaner and much more desperate. If no one wants me as a serious leading man, Carrey seems to be saying, I’ll crush you with a return to comedies like Yes Man. This’ll teach you not to go see The Majestic or Number 23, you little pricks!!

Read more: Hollywood, James Bond, movies, Eileen Jones, Fatwah

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