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Hollywood

American movies are dead, people. I know I’ve hinted before that American movies, collectively, were unwell, maybe even terminally ill, but that was in the still-hopeful past. Now it’s officially over. We can stop checking its pulse in the form of the weekly movie openings to see what’s being offered to us, because nothing’s being offered to us, and nothing’s going to be offered to us. Pull the plug. Hollywood, we hardly knew ye.

It’s the 4th of July weekend, and that’s when the studio conglomerates used to stake their all on something big. It usually turned out to be something laughable as well as big, but still, ever since Jaws started the summer blockbuster tradition, we’ve been able to count on Hollywood at least attempting a huge Independence Day act of showmanship. But this year, what do we get? Transformers 3—or is it 4?—and Larry Crowne, a tiresome-looking heart-warmer with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. Old junkyard action and old scrap-heap stars. It’s like an acknowledgement that Hollywood has nothing left to give, nothing in stock that isn’t long past its sell-by date. It’s all empty shelves back there.

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July 2nd, 2011 | Comments (51)

Thor: Don’t Kill Yourself Over It

Thor‘s not good. It’s so ungood, in fact, it caused New York Times film critic A.O. Scott to consider throwing himself under a bus. It seems Scott despaired over the realization that “Thor is an example of the programmed triumph…

May 8th, 2011 | Comments (47)

Ding, Dong, Elizabeth Taylor’s Dead

  So, Elizabeth Taylor’s dead, you might’ve heard! They planted her yesterday. Thank God that’s over. There are a lot of tributes out there, praising her to the skies. What a fabulous broad, the Last Great Star, and all that…

March 25th, 2011 | Comments (31)

Feckin’ Independent Film

Feck, as the Irish say. Feckin’ independent film, it’s not worth shite. I just watched Ondine, this Neil Jordon thing set in contemporary Ireland about a soulful fisherman played by Colin Farrell, who catches a young woman in his fishing…

May 31st, 2010 | Comments (17)

Why the Academy Awards Are So Great

This will necessarily be a short article. The Academy Awards are so great because they keep us in touch with the ratty old values of our forefathers and foremothers. We no longer know how to churn butter, or why it’s…

February 8th, 2009 | Comments (9)

FILM PREVIEW: Holiday Movie Mess

Here’s a friendly warning for you: don’t count on the movies to get you through the holidays, any more than they got you through the Wall Street seizures or this gut-wrencher of an election. As bad as the movies have…

November 3rd, 2008 | Comments (1)

FILM REVIEW: The Depression and High School Musical 3

No way. Actually, I refuse to review High School Musical 3. We all know it’s rotten. Which brings me to my point: where the hell are the movies? I mean the ones for mass audiences, designed to make sentient beings…

October 27th, 2008 | Leave Comment

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