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Fatwah / April 17, 2009

texas2

(This post was published on Playboy.com)

There’s word out this week that the governor of Texas, Rick Perry, has thrown his support behind a bill that would declare sovereignty for the state of Texas. The bill is called HCR 50, and it’s being pushed on Drudge as a new front in the hillbillies’ revolution against president Obama. Promises, promises. 

texas11

As is so often the case with these right-wing blowhards, the resolution is a lot of macho hot air. According to Governor Perry, HCR 50 “reaffirms states rights according the 10th amendment of the US Constitution, and ultimately strengthens our Union.” 

I’ll tell you what would strengthen our Union: if Texas declared independence. Go! Get out of our house! We’ve had two presidents from that cursed state-LBJ and George W. Bush. Coincidentally, we’ve only had two presidents lead us into wars that we lost-the same two. Both presidents left America a complete mess and on the verge of revolution-it’s as though Texas was built on a sacred Indian burial ground and we’re all cursed for life. 

Anyway, it’s just one more reason to cut the southern states free. Because that is where the root of America’s problems lie. If you look at the list of states that take more revenue from Washington every year than they put into the Treasury, you’ll find that just about every one of those states is an anti-government red state. There’s a word for states like Alaska, Louisiana, South Carolina, and the rest who take as much as two dollars out of Washington for every dollar they put in: welfare queens. These days some welfare queen states are making a big show of not accepting Obama’s stimulus money, which is funny because for the last 30 years all they’ve done is take handouts. Texas is about the only exception to the red-state-welfare-queen rule, but Texas more than makes up for this by playing the role of grapefruit-sized brain tumor in America’s body politic. 

beverly-hillibillies

Let’s do what the Czechs did in 1993 when the Slovaks wanted independence from Czechoslovakia: buy them the first ticket out of our great country, and shut the door on their asses on their way out. After the Slovaks were cut free in 1993, the Czechs went on to become the most prosperous country in East Europe. The Slovaks, on the other hand, fell further and further behind, heading to the fate that awaits Texas and the rest of the rebel red states: a proud, independent basket case, a geopolitical footnote, full of cheap whores and easy-to-exploit labor. The only thing holding back the anti-Obama red states from fulfilling their Deliverance dream is figuring out who will send them their gazillion-dollar welfare checks every month, if not Washington? 

Let’s give Texas the push it needs: declare them and any other ingrate state independent, and good riddance. Then sit back, click on the TV, heat up the Jiffy Pop, and settle in for some serious slapstick comedy. So long, Jethro! No more Beverly Hills adventures for you pissant low-wage immigrants! Gotta stand in line at the American border with all the Mexicans, which I know you’ll love doin’! Yee-haw! Arriba arriba!

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35 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. az  |  April 17th, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    http://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/politics/states_general/texas/in_texas_31_say_state_has_right_to_secede_from_u_s_but_75_opt_to_stay

    Only 18% say they would actually do it though and 75% are against, in Texas itself.

  • 2. Dammerung  |  April 17th, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    I wish my home state, California, would declare independence from the Federal Empire. And yes, it was an Empire under Bush-the-Lesser too. And Clinton. And Bush-the-Elder. And Reagan.

    Think of it!

    States that used to be sovereign that could become their own countries again – California, Texas, Hawaii, Alaska…

    After all look what happened to the Soviet Union after their government took over EVERYTHING, turned every GED moron into a federal agent, and mismanaged it into the ground.

  • 3. 1of6billionSheeple  |  April 17th, 2009 at 4:29 pm

    I dont know why people make it seem the right wingers are the only ones who are anti federal govt. Interestign that you bring up which states take in federal dollars and which states get over-taxed. The federal govt. is the liberal’s own worst enemy too. Its not the red states that tax the hell out of the blue states its the federal govt. The federal govt. also raids Marijuana coops.

    IF your going to get mad about your state being TAXED LIKE HELL blame the govt. not the red states. At least these people have some sense and know not to trust the govt. all the time. Liberals think the federal govt. is your friend. Well If the police state arrives you’ll feel different.

  • 4. Armen  |  April 17th, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    Who are the guys in the picture? They look like brothers. They look like expressions of the mutant gene of the Aryan race, or they could also be the occupational therapy nurses at a memorial hospital.

  • 5. coldequation  |  April 17th, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Fact check FAIL! Your link says Texas receives $.94 from the feds for every dollar of federal taxes it pays, undercutting the entire premise of this article. Oh wait…sorry, I just read your piece again and I realize you wrote here that Texas is an “exception” to the red-state welfare queen rule. Sorry, see I was educated in Texas so I really can’t read, especially with my brother Buford’s dick in my mouth all the time.

    Another reality check – there’s a lot of money in Texas, and it would already be a top-tier economy if it was a country. What would Texas lose by not getting $.94 for every $1 that would turn into more of a third-world country than it already is? Besides civilization, seriously, what would it lose?

  • 6. Carpenter  |  April 18th, 2009 at 1:00 am

    “They look like expressions of the mutant gene of the Aryan race,”

    Tee-hee. How clever of you, eh? It is always brave to insult Whites, standing up against the White institutional racism etc etc. (Somehow it is those who dream up “institutional racism” who get all the airtime and have their books in the college classrooms though, and the gas burpers like Armen here who are always all over the place, expressing their hatred of the ones they envy.)

  • 7. aleke  |  April 18th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    @5.

    Since you’re having a tough time, let me just put what you’re saying into more coherent words.
    “Other people are ignorant, so why are you attacking me for being ignorant! I’m the one that’s supposed to rule the world! Stop Being So Mean”

  • 8. c  |  April 18th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Texas is actually a donor state, and so is Georgia, meaning they give more money to the federal government in taxes than they receive. They also have one of the most robust economies in the US right now. Many counties and metro areas in the state have actually gained jobs since the recession hit.

    Gov. Perry is a complete dicklord as an executive, and his rejection of expanding unemployment benefits makes him an even bigger fuckwit, but to be fair Texas is one of the only states propping up our feeble national economy right now.

    Of course, if I read this properly I would have noted that Ames himself writes that Texas is a donor state, but that they’re also a loser state for producing the two presidents who lost wars. But I was educated in Texas, so, well, you git the point.

  • 9. lolz  |  April 18th, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Why’d you post photos of Daniel Craig as the photo-title? He’s not THAT BAD of a James Bond, so give it a rest.

  • 10. CTD  |  April 18th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    @5 It’s becuase American whites are obese fat whale people who bitch about having taxes. It’s easy to make fun of the slow moving mouth breathers.

  • 11. Axel in Montreal  |  April 19th, 2009 at 7:13 am

    Err… They shouldn’t have to stand in line *with* the Mexicans; the whole damn country of Texas should be restored to Mexico, its rightful owner, which means all Texans are really Mexicans.

    But I agree with Dammerung, y’all should break up into little itty bitty countries so North America can have a normal political map like the other continents.

  • 12. charlie  |  April 19th, 2009 at 8:16 am

    the photo was taken in my backyard here in texas dont see whats wrong with it, guys look cyute to me

  • 13. Anthony  |  April 19th, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    Ah, so the Exiled Online is *that* kind of publication. Mainstream giggles and echo chambers.

    Too bad, there was a lot of promising stuff written here. Guess it happens to everyone when they run out of things to say, but just have to keep on talking!

    Goodbye.

  • 14. jim t  |  April 19th, 2009 at 6:50 pm

    As far as Texas and Georgia being ‘donor’ states, look at some of what they have donated. GW Bush, Bob Barr, the guy who shot Larry Flynt, whoever killed JFK and then botched the autopsy and investigation badly enough to make it look like a banana republic job, and the list goes on. Fuck Texas and Georgia. Two good places for a nuclear explosion.

  • 15. Armen  |  April 19th, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    @5

    Carpenter, I’m soooooo sorry that I offended you with that ignorant comment about mutant genes. Yesterday, I went to a Aryan cultural festival where I got to taste Aryan food, heard Aryan music, and educated myself about what the Aryan culture is like. And I learned that your culture is just like my culture.

    I also got to see traditional Aryan costumes, and I love it. Especially what Aryan males wear. What wonderful hats and boots! And traditional Aryan dances, Do-see-do your pard’ner, pard’ner. Did I pronounce that the right way? I’m sorry if I didn’t. Oh, and Aryan food: hunks of meat on a campfire. Delicious AND brilliant!

  • 16. CTD  |  April 19th, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    @12

    “Ah, so the Exiled Online is *that* kind of publication. Mainstream giggles and echo chambers.

    Too bad, there was a lot of promising stuff written here. Guess it happens to everyone when they run out of things to say, but just have to keep on talking!

    Goodbye.”

    Goodbye to you, too. I hope someone plants a shiv into your thigh.

    Mainstream media and echo chambers are just a reaffirmation that 99% of everything is unoriginal. Nothing bad about it, it’s just natural to our meatbag mechanics.

    The Exiled folk are by far not perfect. That’s ok, I love imperfection. I sincerely wish everyone else would. The Exiled gang me with one thing: showing the punchline to our meatgrinder existence.

  • 17. JR  |  April 20th, 2009 at 12:46 am

    Thanks for another stupid article.

    We only lost two wars? LBJ, but not Kennedy or Eisenhower?

    You are fast becoming the Lefty Ann Coulter.

    How about Shutting the Fuck Up and “planning” your next piece.

    There’s a lot of stupid shit going down on this site recently.

    Where’s that chick who was writing the movie reviews? At least that was semi-original. You should get her to write once a day. People go to the movies and watch TV.

    Nobody gives a shit about Texas. And the state isn’t any more or less fucked up than the rest of the country.

    You’re a fucking idiot.

  • 18. JR  |  April 20th, 2009 at 1:13 am

    Texas is full of idiots, morons, and retards. This would make it the smartest state in the union.

    I’ll remind you that oil was discovered by Texans. Without oil, there would be no modern world. No world as we knows it.

    Yeah, I know, they first hit oil in Pennsylvania (talk about hillbillies), but they didn’t know what it was. It took a few years for the Texans to finally invent oil and more years still for the ragheads to codify the subject.

  • 19. Tyler Bass  |  April 20th, 2009 at 5:53 am

    ” . . .according the 10th amendment of the US Constitution . . . ”

    I’m not certain that foreign sovereign powers enjoy the protections of the Bill of Rights.

  • 20. Walther  |  April 20th, 2009 at 9:06 am

    @ #14, Armen:

    So you were at an Iranian festival? Aryan food is indeed good – especially the cubed lamb with herbs!

  • 21. Armen  |  April 20th, 2009 at 9:52 am

    @#19 Walther,

    That would be Ghormeh Sabzi, which is very good, but I prefer Fessenjoon, duck in a walnut-pomegranate sauce. Strangely, they weren’t serving any at the Texan “Fucktard Days” Festival that I went to.

  • 22. Carlos  |  April 20th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Ames’s screed raises a couple of questions:

    1. How many times have women from Texas shot him down?

    2. How is Alaska a southern state?

    3. What is Ames’s favorite state? (Drunkenness, inebriation?) He wants to cast off the South (which includes Alaska), but then what is left that he finds so favorable? The Peoples’ Republic of California? Iowa? Delaware? And please don’t say New York, home of the wealthiest, unrepetant class-raping pigs (we know how Ames hates them) in the country.

    The only writer on this site who still has his wits about him is The War Nerd, and he should quickly “secede” from the inane bile that has become the Exiled.

  • 23. jim t  |  April 20th, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Carlos, you talk like a wetback who actually graduated from the tenth grade. Did Mr. Ames offend your sensibilities or something? Texas and Alaska have a lot in common – both full of indigenous people being screwed by the colonialist invader, both have a little oil wealth and a lot of natural wildlife threatened by man’s pursuit of the oil wealth, both seem to have more than their share of right-wing idiots.

    I just wish there was something to make you rebel mo’fuckers stop talking about secession and *leave* the US. Don’t try to take stuff with you, just get out.

  • 24. Carlos  |  April 21st, 2009 at 6:37 am

    Jim,

    Wow, talk about 10th grade. You have sophmoric written all over your white trash face. I don’t know where you live (other than in a park populated with trailers), but Ames was all over the map in his screed, and his hatred for so much of America just made me wonder what state he actually likes. I guess I offended your down-trodden, alternative politics, non-mainstream, populist, socialist, up-with-the-little-man, community-college liberalist fantasy that gets revved up everytime you read some fringe bullshit posted as an article here on the Exiled, which used to be a decent website.

  • 25. Aaron  |  April 21st, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Are you kidding?!, the czechs prosperous? They have far more whores then the slovaks

    Whats more they are nothing but a crackpot neo-liberal American satellite run by friedman worshipping clowns like Klaus and the overrated ,hypocritical, every right-wing nuts would be nobel peace laureate, Vaclav Havel.

    Atleast the slovaks have some pretense of normality and their chicks are far hotter.

  • 26. Tommy Jefferson  |  April 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Today is San Jacinto Day. That is the official State holiday where we celebrate winning the last battle of the Texas Revolution.

    Winning this battle allowed Texas to seceed from the Mexico and become an independent nation.

    We did that because Mexico had become a fascist dictatorship. As America moves further along the path toward that flavor of socialism known as fascism, more and more Texans are supporting a second secession.

    We have our own industry, our own sea ports, our own international relations, and our own military.

    Buh Byeee!

  • 27. jim t  |  April 21st, 2009 at 8:05 pm

    You still didn’t address the uneducated greaser remark, Carlos, although your ingles is a little better than your run of the mill pepper-belly. Probably took you a while to put that post together, didn’t it? What I don’t get is if you want a tax cut, why don’t you go back home to Mexico? I understand el Jefe cut a pretty good deal with Bush. Free tamales for everyone.

  • 28. Carlos  |  April 22nd, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Jimmy Trailer Park,

    Your meth-addled, inbred brain is tricking you again. I never wrote anything about being for or against tax cuts, I just wanted to know what state Ames likes, seeing as how he loves to hate on everything American. Actually, that’s not fair. Ames seems to hate on everything, regardless of nationality.

    And for the record, I’m not Mexican, but I would like to point out the irony of your calling me a wetback, then bemoaning their treatment by the “colonialist invader.” I guess your honkey ass is on the first boat back to whatever backwater of Ireland or Germany your knuckle-scraping ancestors were bred so you can leave the US of A to the noble savages that preceded you. But I doubt it. Leaving the familiarity of a mobile home, the proximity of all the meth you need, and all the hot chicks at the community college you occassionally attend is probably too much for you. Better to stay in America and pretend to be smart by dissing right-wing idiots while in the same breath (and painfully unselfaware), engage in the same racist rhetorc as the idiots you despise.

  • 29. Expat in BY  |  April 22nd, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Responding to 18. JR: I’m sure you must not be serious about Texas discovering oil. Azerbaijan has the honor of having first discovered oil. Granted, there isn’t a lot of difference culturally between Azerbaijan and Texas, other than all the British expatriate bars in Baku, but Texas didn’t even exist when Marco Polo first wrote about oil on the Absheron Peninsula. The first modern oil well was put in south of Baku 10 years before any drilling took place in Pennsylvania. The people who made the money from the oil boom in Baku that followed (long before Pennsylvania) were the Nobels and the Rothschilds, neither of which were from Texas, or anywhere in the United States. (Yes, there is a Paris in Texas, but that isn’t where the Rothschilds are from…)

    Responding to 22. Carlos: Alaska belongs culturally more to the South than it does to any other part of the country. Even a generation and a half after, the state still hasn’t recovered from all the Texans and Oklahomans that came north to build the Pipeline. They’re the ones who continue to support Palin and her kin (whose cultural background is admittedly more Northern Idaho than Southern United States – hurray for Hayden Lake).

    Lastly responding to 23. Jim T: Alaska has a whole lot more Natives than Texas does. About the closest any state comes to Alaska on retaining Native culture is New Mexico. Fortunately for the Pueblo people (Tewa, etc.), the Texans were kicked out of New Mexico by the Union Army at Glorieta Pass in 1862. Maybe someday the same will happen in Alaska.

  • 30. Carlos  |  April 23rd, 2009 at 6:32 am

    To EXPAT:

    Texas and the South are not the same. I know there’s a tendency to lump them in together, but having lived in both regions, I can tell you there are significant differences–sweet tea, pork BBQ, accents, ranching v. farming, kudzu, sharecropping, etc. And Texans and Oklahomans (who had all the oilfield skills) moving to Alaska doesn’t make Alaska kin to the South because Oklahomans and Texans aren’t southerners. Alaska actually is more akin to the Old West–frontiersmanship, little government, and lots of living close to the land. Which means Alaska has more in common with the Dakotas and Montana than it does with the Old South. Can you picture Sarah Palin in a Faulkner novel? I sure as hell can’t.

    And maybe Alaska is the answer to what state Ames likes the best. Sure, it’s very red, but it’s also a do as you please as long as you don’t mess with me kind of place.

  • 31. Expat in BY  |  April 23rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    To Carlos:

    The difference between Texas/Oklahoma and the rest of the south is probably as subtle as the difference between Louisiana and Georgia. Really, when it comes right down to that level of difference, you can’t clump any of the states together, or even their internal regions (Birmingham has about as much in common with Mobile as Jackson does with Biloxi, and El Paso has more in common with Las Cruces or Tucson than Houston). I would still group Texas in with the rest of the South because of historical and socio-economic reasons (they attempted secession alongside Georgia, Tennessee and the rest for pretty much the same reasons as the other states).

    As to the mistaken perception that I suggested Palin as being culturally southern, she is far from that. As I noted earlier, she’s from northern Idaho, a micro-culture that would get along well with just about any other white trash culture in America.

    As to the generalization that Alaska is “do as you please, just don’t mess with me”, parts are that, others are just as apt to mimic the white trash south as, well, the white trash south:

    Fairbanks: Outside the university, very conservative.
    Mat-Su: Conservative and redneck, with enough meth-labs to supply meth to the entire Lower 48.
    Anchorage: A cross between Houston and Seattle with a noted lack of imagination.
    Kenai: Outside of Homer, very conservative.
    Juneau: Anti-Mat-Su (which keeps trying to steal the capital).
    Ketchikan: Bitter over losing their bridge and their lumber mills, now mostly conservative.
    Aleutians and “Bush” (off-road) Alaska: Isolated, and so they display the “just don’t mess with me” attitude the most (and have the fewest people).

    Most of Alaska’s population lies within Anchorage and the Mat-Su. If any of these micro-cultures dominate the state, it is from these two areas (which abound in transplanted oil-state workers who probably would just as easily drop their loyalty to America over a liberal in the White House as anyone in Texas).

    Of course there is another South that incorporates black culture, which would probably be more loyal, no matter the color of skin of the president or politics of the government, but Texans don’t seem to care too much to elect those folks. Maybe Texas (and pro-Palin parts of Alaska) gets the reputation it deserves.

  • 32. President Howard Taft  |  April 26th, 2009 at 2:07 am

    Ames is such a boring beltway dickhole.

    Instead of forming a relevant or at least an entertaining criticism of Gov. Perry’s statement on secession, he accuses Texans of being stupid, backwards and cultureless.

    White Southerners are poor and stupid. Zing!
    Oh, shit, look at the middle of the post! There’s a picture of the Beverly Hillbillies! They’re those stupid Southerns from that one TV show, you know?

    And it doesn’t bother me a lick. Nope, seriously it doesn’t. That’s why I’m writing this comment. Because I’m not bothered.

  • 33. Brad C.  |  April 27th, 2009 at 9:53 am

    For somebody who has documented the class war, this piece was shockingly classist.

  • 34. aleke  |  May 5th, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Yeah, Mark, what ever happened to the Redneck Manifesto? I mean I like Spengler and all, but there is a serious contradiction between nationalism and rationalism. Not that I walk that line as well, but even though Southern morons want to bolt farther to the right, a challenge like this to the federal government isn’t all bad. Texas may be pulling towards the completely wrong direction, but you have to have a little sympathy for the brutish, sluggish moron trying to rise up against the vicious, suave monster that the federal state has become.

    I suspect it’s just that you are invested in American nationalism against this small target. Like people that cheer for the favorite over the underdog because they have some tribal/geographical identification with them, you want the US government to prevail against the small Taliban nation fermenting in its South. But supporting the state isn’t subversion. It may be proper and necessary for the preservation of the empire, but I think ultimately it’s not for the benefit of ourselves. Knaw what i mean?

    Those dumb Southerners will just get more rabid if you continue to use the traditional American classist language. We should be actively figuring out how to radicalize the reactionaries, I’m sure it’s possible. If the corporations can somehow appeal to patriotism and Western civilization, and if Mao and Lenin did it in entrenched traditional societies, we can surely do the same.

    I mean, I would hate to lose all those experts in small-arms.

  • 35. JJMillertime  |  July 24th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    Wow… this coming from someone that lives in VictimVille oops, I mean Victorville, Ca. I moved out here because of a girl and I am already on a one way ticket back to Austin, Tx. The unemployment rate in Victorville is 15.4% and its only 5.9% in Austin. Texas is probably one of the few states that could make it on its own without the Union. With Obama thinking hes president of the world I wouldnt mind Texas leaving the Union. Yes Rick Perry only said it so Obama would get a clue that we are tired of the Federal Government trying to control everything.


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